prettybaby Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Would you say there's an ideal dating period prior to moving in together? When should the subject start being discussed? Of course, I realize every relationship and situation is different. This is theoretical, and I'm just curious to see if some of you here have maybe moved in together too soon in the past or perhaps waited too long to bring up this topic. This is in a totally hypothetical and idealistic sense. I can personally see us hitting the 1 year mark first (in terms of dating), but then I'm not sure how much longer past that would be considered too long for further commitments and such to be discussed.
TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Though I can't speak for others, I've always had the one year mark as the threshold. I wouldn't even consider such a thing until that point.
Scottdmw Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 What are you looking for long-term? There are studies that show you are actually less likely to get married if you move in together, if that is something you are considering. Based on that I would personally not want to move in until marriage. Scott
Author prettybaby Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 We are both looking for long term (marriage + children). I don't want to trick anyone into marrying me without knowing first if living together actually works. So moving in before marriage is definitely the plan. Just not sure about ideal timing yet.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 While moving in together isn't for me, for others, I don't think you can define a time period, just like you can't say, you must have sex on such and such date. When you're both ready for it, do it, if it's your thing.
TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Trialbyfire: I think you're right that every couple is different but there can be timelines as a general guide. Even if I was interested in moving in with someone before one year, I wouldn't until at least a year had passed. Moving in with one another is a big step and I personally believe a relationship should reach a certain point before it's done. Though I don't have numbers to back this up, I'd be willing to bet couples that move in together later rather than sooner have a higher success rate in terms of staying together.
Jilly Bean Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Pretty - is that you in the avatar? You look like Baby Spice. Anyhoo - my ex and I moved in together a week and a half after we met. And we lived together for 5 years. I will say, however, that making any kind of commitment too soon, whether like I did with jumping into living together, or getting engaged immediately, or a shot gun wedding, is not advisable. When people make moves like this, either they are running on pure hormones (as we were), or are just desperate for some type of security. I would never act so rashly again. I think dating for 6-9 months as a minimum before living together is a good idea, as then you can take your time to get to know someone BEFORE making a commitment, rather than doing what I did, which was commit, and THEN get to know things about him besides his genitalia.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 TheIrishKid, perhaps I don't see moving in together as that big of a commitment, just like I don't see exclusivity as that big a deal. IMO, anyone afraid of small commitments like these, is someone to be wary of, indeed...
tanbark813 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 There are studies that show you are actually less likely to get married if you move in together, if that is something you are considering. Based on that I would personally not want to move in until marriage. Yes, and we all know how well marriage works out statistically. Maybe if more people moved in together before marriage the divorce rate would go down since less people would want to ultimately get married.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 My minimum is a year. If we hadn't made any kind of plans for it or long-term commitment by about a year and a half, I'd start to lose interest. And I would never get married without living together first.
Pyro Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Would you say there's an ideal dating period prior to moving in together? When should the subject start being discussed? Of course, I realize every relationship and situation is different. This is theoretical, and I'm just curious to see if some of you here have maybe moved in together too soon in the past or perhaps waited too long to bring up this topic. This is in a totally hypothetical and idealistic sense. I can personally see us hitting the 1 year mark first (in terms of dating), but then I'm not sure how much longer past that would be considered too long for further commitments and such to be discussed. IMO and experience, there is no ideal time. The ex and I waited 2.5 years before we moved in together and a year later we were broken up. The only advice I can say is to take your time getting to know the person before you move in.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Another aspect of moving in together, is that if you live in a jurisdiction where you become common law after a certain length of time, be careful. One of my old CEOs used to live with women until about a month before the clocked off period. He then dumped each and every one of them. Not a nice man at all. I'm not saying that your b/f is like this prettybaby, but there are aspects of living together that can become legal nightmares. Make sure you understand all the implications within your jurisdiction, previous to moving in, since you have assets to lose.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Another aspect of moving in together, is that if you live in a jurisdiction where you become common law after a certain length of time, be careful. <snip> I'm not saying that your b/f is like this prettybaby, but there are aspects of living together that can become legal nightmares. Make sure you understand all the implications within your jurisdiction, previous to moving in, since you have assets to lose. This is a very good point and is worth serious consideration. Much of it can be avoided by drawing up a co-habitation agreement (sort of like a pre-nup except there's no 'nup').
Author prettybaby Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Another aspect of moving in together, is that if you live in a jurisdiction where you become common law after a certain length of time, be careful. One of my old CEOs used to live with women until about a month before the clocked off period. He then dumped each and every one of them. Not a nice man at all. I'm not saying that your b/f is like this prettybaby, but there are aspects of living together that can become legal nightmares. Make sure you understand all the implications within your jurisdiction, previous to moving in, since you have assets to lose. Right, those are great points.
huck Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Dont think theres a set time - if it feels right for both partys then go for it - whatever the time period. In my last relationship we moved in after 4ish months as both of us were living in places that we werent happy.. Looking back it was a bit quick and we missed out on all the dating stuff as we were both in each others pockets...
New Again Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I've yet to experience any desire to live with anyone I've dated. Just wanted to post in this thread about protecting yourself legally should you go down that road - but I see I've been beaten to it! Good luck
Sam Spade Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Would you say there's an ideal dating period prior to moving in together? When should the subject start being discussed? Of course, I realize every relationship and situation is different. This is theoretical, and I'm just curious to see if some of you here have maybe moved in together too soon in the past or perhaps waited too long to bring up this topic. This is in a totally hypothetical and idealistic sense. I can personally see us hitting the 1 year mark first (in terms of dating), but then I'm not sure how much longer past that would be considered too long for further commitments and such to be discussed. I personally would wait for as long as humanly possible! E.g. put it off almost up to the point when she considers a break up . My girlfriend is great and all, but unless we're at least engaged, I'm not giving up that much independence and comfort yet . In my mind, if cohabitation doesn't serve explicit purpose - i.e. start a joint household, have kids, etc. it is ore trouble than it's worth (and that's irrespective of how much you like each other).
MusicChick24 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 As has been said the "timeline" would be different for different couples. Not everyone is comfortable with the same things at the same times. My bf and I have discussed talking about living together after engagement becauase we have been together 5 years, discussed marriage, and I would feel more comfortable living with him before marriage because obviously you can click in all ways and not be able to live with each other. The most time we've "coinhabitated" was four days on a family vacation. However, if it was any other relationship where I had not already been in the extreme long term and previously discussed marriage I would say 1-2 years would be my minimum. Mostly because I feel for me that that amount of time would provide for a good understanding of the person and there habits so there is no "jumping in" to living together. Alot of people move in too soon and end up homeless or in a bad situation because they did not think such a move through the way they should have.
Surfer Dude Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm with Sam here. Unless you're trying to start a family and a joint household for that purpose, what's the point of cohabiting? Last thing I need is a chick trying to move in for trivial purposes. Hell no. I value my freedom and personal space.
samspade Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm with Sam and Surfer. No need to move in unless you're engaged/married. Not for religious reasons, but simply because there is no need to give up your independence just because you have an SO. Moving in together removes a great deal of the sexual tension and anticipation that makes relationships exciting, and it complicates YOUR ability to walk away from a broken relationship.
Chicago_Guy Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I wouldn't let a girl move in with me permanently unless we were already engaged and close to getting married. If I like a girl enough to live with her, we might as well get married.
Scottdmw Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Yes, and we all know how well marriage works out statistically. Maybe if more people moved in together before marriage the divorce rate would go down since less people would want to ultimately get married. That would be a plausible argument, if not for history. 50 years ago, there was a heck of a lot less divorce than now. People started saying marriage could be better if we added things like living together and premarital sex so that people could try each other out. Again, a plausible argument in and of itself. But, what actually happened is the rates of divorce went up in direct correlation with the rates of living together, premarital sex, etc. Now, that's correlation not causation, but it seems very difficult to argue that these things are somehow helping marriage when the more of them we have the higher the divorce rate gets. If you want to do those things anyway that's your choice, but saying that they somehow help marriage is difficult to believe, given what we’ve seen happen. Scott
tanbark813 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 50 years ago, there was a heck of a lot less divorce than now. People started saying marriage could be better if we added things like living together and premarital sex so that people could try each other out. Again, a plausible argument in and of itself. But, what actually happened is the rates of divorce went up in direct correlation with the rates of living together, premarital sex, etc. Now, that's correlation not causation, but it seems very difficult to argue that these things are somehow helping marriage when the more of them we have the higher the divorce rate gets. If you want to do those things anyway that's your choice, but saying that they somehow help marriage is difficult to believe, given what we’ve seen happen. I'm glad you pointed out the bold part because I believe it's the former rather than the latter. Other things have changed since 50 years ago as well: Divorce doesn't have the same level of stigma, there are far more women in the workforce, etc... Plus, according to this: http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Historical_Divorce_Rate_Statistics "After World War II, the divorce rate continued to increase. In 1950, the rate was sitting at 1,070 per 100,000 for men and 1,373 per 100,000 for women. Historical divorce rate statistics continued to rise steadily, and the numbers took a big jump in the 1970s. This may have been due to the fact that the Seventies were the decade when no-fault divorce was first made available." And if you look at this, divorce rates have actually gone down a bit since 20 years ago: http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0923080.html
WineCountry Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I wouldnt move in with a man unless he put a ring on my finger. I dont see why people feel the need to shack up. Keep your own places. If things dont go well, or if you have periods of time where you each just need a break or space, its less messier. And if things DO work out, well then you will get married. THEN you can live together. But thats just me.
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