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I want to send my recently separated gf of 5 yrs a letter


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Posted

So she and I have had a lot of struggles lately with me relapsing and her losing all confidence and trust she had built up from other times I have done this. But we have been together for pretty much 5 years prior to like two weeks ago. She is 27, I am 25.

 

But in early June she told me she was going to hang out with this other guy (bosses son, he is 21, she said he had some qualities that she doesn't really like)....well I didn't think much about it, but told her I didn't really like it....but it has become more serious with him and her. So I talked to her about it for 2-3 weeks and then about a week and a half ago she came over and distanced herself from me a bit and wasn't accepting my kisses and pretty much said we can still talk and stuff, but she wants to see this other guy to see if we are really "right" for each other so we can overcome some of the earlier pitfalls of not going out with her friends and seeing her family. This hurt, and she cried......and I feel like she really meant what she was saying. Given how the last 2 years have been with us. But we did not kiss.

 

So I get upset about her getting really serious with this guy, and hanging out all the time, and she says something like well maybe we shouldn't talk while I go through this. So after a little more conversation, I said something like I don't really like that you are doing this, but I will do whatever it takes for this to work out for us should it come to that. And that she can call me if the wants to see me.

 

Well a week goes by, and I call her cuz I am like what the heck. Now we had an agreement to be completely open, and she has been 100% honest if I ask her about anything. So she says she was happy and that they are hanging out on the weekends and every weekday they can. And then she says when I ask if she slept with him, that she did. I immediately hang up.

 

So she returns a voicemanil, and I ask when I can come get my stuff and such. Well she is all like I was worried about you, but I am probably going to nap and then the other guy might be getting off work early, but you can come tomorrow to get your stuff. So I am like yeah this is really hard because I am taking down all of our pictures off my wall, and shes like you don't have to do that you can come see me and our cats. We then set up an agreement to not talk on the phone, or see each other until August 16th. She has been completely open and honest with everything.....

 

Well she messages me later, if I have our camera, I said I did, and she was like well I am gunna have to buy a new one, because I am not going to be without a camera. So I call her, and we talk, and she is short, but I then said I really support what she is doing right now if it will make things for us potentially better in the long run. And said I just want both of us to be happy (and she emotionally said me too) and then I said I am going to miss her and the boys for this month as it will be close to my birthday when we can contact each other again. And we had an emotional toned hang up, from what was kind of a colder call to start with.

So, I now have this feeling that if I at least don't send her a letter letting her know that I miss her, and some of the nice things I remembered about her and us (like snuggling, and holding each other), that I am essentially giving up and not letting her know I miss her and that I want things to work. I mentioned that I miss seeing her face and that I know it will be a while before I can see her.

 

Good idea??? Or should I simply stick with the not calling or seeing each other until mid August, and then try and hang out and open up that line of contact again. I don't expect a response from her, but I am not sure if I should just wait, or send it? And then seeing her in August in better shape and doing well. It could work!

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Posted

Note, she has never said it is over, and that she doesn't want to see me again. She said all of my stuff at her place is still where it was left....in her closet, and that she plans on not even moving it. I am so confused and lost!

 

Also in the letter: I did mention I was having a lot of thoughts wondering when we will be together again and happy and share out lives together. But I did not ask when. I did not mention the other guy at all.... I also enclosed the lyrics of a positive song her and I used to listen to that will lift her up and let her know I want the best for her.

 

(i read about 4 hours of posts in this section earlier this AM)

Posted

Holy Christ.

 

Something tells me that you aren't going to take my advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyways.

 

Do not contact this chick in any way, shape, or form ever again. This is utter and complete bullsh*t. Yeah, it was swell of her to be 100% open and honest about wanting to see another guy, and sleeping with said guy, but if you have an ounce of self-respect you will end this abortion of a relationship now and not look back.

 

What the hell did she do to you that makes you think that this is okay on any level whatsoever?

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Posted

So should I just make contact with her in about an hour and speak my mind.....and then get it over with....me or him....which it will no doubt be him....then tell her to have a nice life.....

 

We had taken two other breaks, but she didn't sleep with some guy....

Posted

No. Go hard-core deep-cover ninja-style no contact (NC). The goal of NC being to give you room to heal rather than to punish her or "try to get her back", in case there are any misconceptions about that. You need the space to get over her (a fairly long road, make no mistake) and to regain your perspective as to what comprises a healthy, happy relationship. If you've made mistakes, examine those mistakes and the reasons for making them, and don't repeat them.

 

But write her off, 100%, starting now. I promise you that you will regret it if you don't.

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Posted

yeah but i have a decent amount of stuff over there.....i am gunna call her and tell her i would like to talk

 

i think you're the first person to smack me upside the head and remind me that she effed some other dude! jeezuz christ....i think that pretty much means she is surely over me for the time being....so I need to be over her

 

not even torture myself until august 16th

Posted
Something tells me that you aren't going to take my advice

 

Thought so.

 

Look man, if it's stuff you can't live without, just arrange to pick it up. Smile and if you have to talk, keep it to small talk.

 

She dumped you and almost immediately f*cked another guy. She'll do it again and you know it. What do do want here? And why?

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Posted

i am not entirely sure what I want....but you sure let it sink in really quick for me :lmao:

Posted

Forget your stuff. Shes never going to let you get it. DOnt talk to her, dont tell her how you feel, it will only make you look pathetic. Were you pathetic when you first met her? no. You have to go back to meeting rules. She is seeing someone else and doesnt care how you feel.

 

Dont contact her, and dont take her calls. She is poison.

Posted
yeah but i have a decent amount of stuff over there.
How about sending a disinterested third party to pick up your stuff? A moving or courier company, perhaps? Sure, it will cost a bit but it might cost you more psychologically if you and she start having words.
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Posted

i am gunna be very mature and cool about it.....but i have to not wait until mid august for this crap

Posted
i am gunna be very mature and cool about it.....but i have to not wait until mid august for this crap

 

You're a man, not a back-up plan. Keep that in mind.

 

And yeah, send somebody else to get your stuff. Other than making plans for that (and then only if you can't live without this stuff), go NC all the way.

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Posted

i have no clue what to do, i am a mess.....i am gunna go to the gym instead....and try to hit my weight loss short term goal, which i will be able to reach by Saturday

 

I think i will not mail the letter, and go nc and see if she calls me.....and if she doesn't well then i know and I will get my stuff August 16th or around then

Posted

I wouldn't talk to her even if she did call, other than to tell her that so-and-so is going to get in touch with her to make arrangements to pick up your stuff.

 

The gym is good. Beat the f*ck out of those weights.

Read this when you get a chance:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

Posted

It's ALL been said already. For your own sanity,self-respect and hell the respect you'll gain, from friends/family who know the sh*tuation you're going thru....Listen to what has been said in here. ;)

Posted

I forgot to add in my last post that you should keep posting, MagicMan. The folks here will help anyway they can.

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Posted

Thanks for the advice folks..... :) I plan on sticking around here and helping others out as well. This is a very vulnerable time in my life.....and yes I will beat the hell out of those weights. I used to be a huge jock, but then I became an alcoholic and stopped exercising for like 4 years :mad: but now I am back and it feels great

 

I am a moderator on a cellphone forum so I love forums. Best thing ever if they are busy enough

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