marz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Ok. So my story is a bit complicated. I dated this guy about 5 years ago when we were both 16. It was for a short time and I got bored and broke it off. We both missed each other but didn’t speak for a while. We became friends again a year or so later and a couple of years after that, we were both in Europe at the same time and met up and stayed together for a while. We became best friends but nothing more. It was a fantastic relationship. When we both returned home, we became excellent friends again. He was long distance dating a girl that he met had met overseas. He said that he really liked her and planned to go back to be with her in a couple of month’s time. As you could have guessed, we fell in love with each other. Bad. I knew he was leaving. I had no control over my feelings, even though I always had. He said that he’s always loved me and couldn’t believe that he was leaving me. He said that he knew he was supposed to be with me but everything was booked and he was to leave in a month. I told him everything that I had felt in a letter and said that I accepted him leaving. There was nothing either of us could do, but we never talked about it and got over it. On the day that he was leaving, I went to the airport with his family to farewell him. He asked me, “What am I doing?”. I said that he had to go because if he didn’t he would regret it. He liked her. He wanted to be with her. When he left, I was screwed. I screwed around with guys and I know how wrong it was. I ended up being with his brother and stupidly slept with him. The only time we did wasn’t for long and I eventually stopped it and left. The brother knew that I regretted it and stopped calling me etc. I told myself that I would never tell his brother. Today, I found myself being asked by brother #1 why brother #2 was asking brother #1 about me. I told him the truth. I said that we had made a mistake and slept together. He went ballistic, understandably and said that I was a joke for making out like I was upset when he left, that he didn’t need friends like me and that when he returned home, I have no right to speak to him, his brothers or his gf ever again. He said that I’m not the person he knew and that he didn’t want to know me. I understand how he can be angry. But my question is this..... How do you live with the guilt of doing something so stupid to someone you love? How do you accept what you’ve done? How do you live knowing that they will never forgive you? Knowing that they will never speak to you again? That you have lost them as a friend? How do you accept that? I have never felt worse in my entire life. Please help me.
Bejita463 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So am I correct in gleaning from this story that he left you for another woman, then had the audacity to believe you need his approval to see anyone? I agree his brother was a poor choice, but that isn't really his concern is it? He made his choice. Simply put, it is not his business, and he has no right judging you for something he himself did - choosing someone else.
GorillaTheater Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I'd echo Bejita and would add, regarding the guilt, that it's a useless exercise in masochism if you don't use it as a learning experience. What led you to seek comfort in sleeping around? What led you specifically to sleep with his brother? Was there a better way to handle your pain? If so, why didn't you opt for those other choices? Just to be clear, we don't need to hear the answer to those questions, but I encourage you to answer them to yourself. Learn from the experience, learn something about yourself, and make the changes necessary to make better choices in the future.
lostsunsets Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Ok. So my story is a bit complicated. I dated this guy about 5 years ago when we were both 16. It was for a short time and I got bored and broke it off. We both missed each other but didn’t speak for a while. We became friends again a year or so later and a couple of years after that, we were both in Europe at the same time and met up and stayed together for a while. We became best friends but nothing more. It was a fantastic relationship. When we both returned home, we became excellent friends again. He was long distance dating a girl that he met had met overseas. He said that he really liked her and planned to go back to be with her in a couple of month’s time. As you could have guessed, we fell in love with each other. Bad. I knew he was leaving. I had no control over my feelings, even though I always had. He said that he’s always loved me and couldn’t believe that he was leaving me. He said that he knew he was supposed to be with me but everything was booked and he was to leave in a month. I told him everything that I had felt in a letter and said that I accepted him leaving. There was nothing either of us could do, but we never talked about it and got over it. On the day that he was leaving, I went to the airport with his family to farewell him. He asked me, “What am I doing?”. I said that he had to go because if he didn’t he would regret it. He liked her. He wanted to be with her. When he left, I was screwed. I screwed around with guys and I know how wrong it was. I ended up being with his brother and stupidly slept with him. The only time we did wasn’t for long and I eventually stopped it and left. The brother knew that I regretted it and stopped calling me etc. I told myself that I would never tell his brother. Today, I found myself being asked by brother #1 why brother #2 was asking brother #1 about me. I told him the truth. I said that we had made a mistake and slept together. He went ballistic, understandably and said that I was a joke for making out like I was upset when he left, that he didn’t need friends like me and that when he returned home, I have no right to speak to him, his brothers or his gf ever again. He said that I’m not the person he knew and that he didn’t want to know me. I understand how he can be angry. But my question is this..... How do you live with the guilt of doing something so stupid to someone you love? How do you accept what you’ve done? How do you live knowing that they will never forgive you? Knowing that they will never speak to you again? That you have lost them as a friend? How do you accept that? I have never felt worse in my entire life. Please help me. Day by day.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So am I correct in gleaning from this story that he left you for another woman, then had the audacity to believe you need his approval to see anyone? I agree his brother was a poor choice, but that isn't really his concern is it? He made his choice. Simply put, it is not his business, and he has no right judging you for something he himself did - choosing someone else. i agree with this. If I were her, I'd have told him, "hey, you left me, so f### you if you are upset about it". I also agree the brother was a poor choice, but the brother that decided to leave doesn't own OP.
Author marz Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Everyone has good points. He was rude the way he spoke to me. I did the wrong thing and I knew he would be upset but as you said, he doesn't own me and it just happened. It was a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. And this was one of them. I regretted it more than anything I have ever done. I also agree the brother was a poor choice, but the brother that decided to leave doesn't own OP. What does OP mean?
hoping2heal Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Yeah, as you are already fully aware the brother probably wasn't the best choice of person, but as for you doing something wrong, I don't know where this guy has room to talk. He cheated on his long distance gf, and then to add to his d-bag M.O he has the ballsack to tell you "there's nothing I can do now, everything is booked and set for me to leave in a month". Yeah. BUZZZZZZZZ sorry, the bull**** alarm gets loud at times. Don't let him make you feel guilty, he hasn't been exactly a prince himself.
Author marz Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 That really is a good point. I never thought about it like that. He claims that he didn't sleep for 6 months after he left home and during the news convo today, he said that as of 10 mins before, he was still not over me but this confirmed that he could walk away. I said that that was good because now he could live happily ever after with her. His response to that was, "Exactly". I shouldn't let him make me feel guilty but I do. I f**ked any chance we had of being friends again..
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Op, You are very young. This was a bad idea on your part, but he is not blameless either. If he wants you to leave him and his family alone, do it. Have no contact with them at all. Find new friends and new romances and learn from this episode. Be honest with others and usually they will return the favor. Good Luck
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Everyone has good points. He was rude the way he spoke to me. I did the wrong thing and I knew he would be upset but as you said, he doesn't own me and it just happened. It was a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. And this was one of them. I regretted it more than anything I have ever done. why? he left for another woman...you suppose to walk on eggshells for a man that wasn't man enough to stay with you if he truly thinks he should be with you instead of going to another woman and letting her believe his heart is completely with her? Wonder what his new woman would say if he found out he got jealous over you and his brother. It would be well deserved if she slapped him across the face and told him to get out. Really, she doesn't have his whole heart, so he is basically spitting in her face by getting mad at you.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 That really is a good point. I never thought about it like that. He claims that he didn't sleep for 6 months after he left home and during the news convo today, he said that as of 10 mins before, he was still not over me but this confirmed that he could walk away. then what the hell is he doing leading this other woman on? I shouldn't let him make me feel guilty but I do. I f**ked any chance we had of being friends again.. if he is committed to someone else, which actually it doesn't seem that way as far as he is concerned, then you being friends with him isn't appropriate. What would you do if you found yourself with a man, and you found out that he had been with another woman sexually, was in love at one point, and may still be on some level, being friends with that woman? You think you'd like that?
Author marz Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 What would you do if you found yourself with a man, and you found out that he had been with another woman sexually, was in love at one point, and may still be on some level, being friends with that woman? You think you'd like that? Listen, I know exactly what you mean, but I was friends with him before and all I was meaning was that I accept that we couldn't ever be together but I didn't want to lose him as a friend.Yes, I can understand that he is leading her on and it isn't fair on her, but why are you telling me that? It's not me who was with her and fell in love with someone else.
Author marz Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 why? he left for another woman...you suppose to walk on eggshells for a man that wasn't man enough to stay with you if he truly thinks he should be with you instead of going to another woman and letting her believe his heart is completely with her? Wonder what his new woman would say if he found out he got jealous over you and his brother. It would be well deserved if she slapped him across the face and told him to get out. Really, she doesn't have his whole heart, so he is basically spitting in her face by getting mad at you. And I completely agree with this.. You are right. He made her beleive that all his heart was with her, when clearly it wasn't. Now that I think about it, he is a moron.
Javelin Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Learn from the experience, learn something about yourself, and make the changes necessary to make better choices in the future. Best advice right here.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Listen, I know exactly what you mean, but I was friends with him before and all I was meaning was that I accept that we couldn't ever be together but I didn't want to lose him as a friend.Yes, I can understand that he is leading her on and it isn't fair on her, but why are you telling me that? why do you think? this is the man you are in love with? Someone that will hold another person hostage in a relationship when his heart doesn't belong to her? and also, he left you. he has no say in what you do and to get angry is downright stupid.
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