Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 and a half, with 3 children. We never wanted any more children. Over the last year we have had our fair share of financial worries, stress of closing down 2 businesses and the obviously 3 kids day to day stress!!!! I found out 2 weeks ago he had a one night stand while on a weekend away. After much thought, him deeply regretting it, being sorry and remorseful, and after talking to doctors and counsellors, I decided that I too had too much to loose by not forgiving him. We were going to give it another go, for our hapiness and for our kids. He says he loves me and he only did it because of so much drink involved on the night in question. I love him deeply, sometimes I wish I didn't but I do. Then, a few days ago he told me that this girl is pregnant... with his child, he spoke to her and asked her to consider an abortion. She said no, she wanted this baby so much because she gave birth to still born baby and has had miscarriages in the past. Any advice on what to do. We live in Ireland, this girl is in England. My husband thinks it is for the best that he leave me , his 3 kids and Ireland to go back to England to where he is from. My life is ruined. I could have forgiven the one night stand thing, but not the consequence of it.?? Help!!!
PandorasBox Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Your husband thinks its best to leave you and your three kids? This is what I'd do, doesn't mean its what you'll do. I'd let him leave. First contact a lawyer find out your rights etc, etc. I'm assuming where the laws are where you are, you can get him for adultrey. If he is gonna play he can pay. He can pay child support for your three kids, and then he will have to fork out money as well for this one on the way as well. I mean it costs to have a baby and keep them up in what they need etc. It might be best to suggest to him this girl get a DNA test as well. Or you could always forgive him, again..and let him continue to have his way and do whatever he wishes. This is about whats best for you and your kids.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Wow, that's a very difficult situation. Less so, I suspect, for the OM who was probably just looking for a sperm donor to fulfil her need for a child and to get someone to pay for it all. And he's fallen for it. I simply do not - cannot - understand why he'd leave his wife of 6 years and 3 kids to support someone with which he had a one-night fling. I humbly suggest that you and he speak with a legal professional to determine exactly what his responsibilities are in your country. He may be under the impression that he's now financially responsible for the OW and her child. And maybe he is, but then again maybe he isn't. You'll need legal advice to find out. Go that route first. It might help clarify his responsibilities.
Author Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 thank you both for your reply. He is not going to leave me to support her and the kid. He is leaving me, 3 kids to go back to England. He says he does not love her and wants nothing to do with her. It's just the fact that she's pregnant now. She says he can be as involved or uninvolved as he wants. I can understand this as it is his child, however , in my opinion, he wants to get too involved with a child not even born yet, she's only 7 odd weeks pregnant. I think I might be able to cope with photo's, birthday cards, christmas cards, and visits once or twice a year to England, but not full on like he is daddy to my children.
PandorasBox Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hang on I'm kind of lost....do you and your H both live in Ireland? Why would he go back to England? Is that where he is from? Where is this girl he had the affair with? She there or in England? The bottom line is, its all up to what you want to do.
Author Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Hi, My H is from England, I am from Ireland, we both live in Ireland for last 9 years. He went to England for the weekend to visit family when on a nite out this happened. He knows this girl from when he was a teenager. She is living in England.
mark982 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 i think there's something else going on that you don't know about yet.
Author Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Hi, That thought has crossed my mind a million times, and as when I kept asking about my suspicions of the initital fling, I keep asking the same question about this, " Do you want to be with her over there, are you , her and the baby going to play happy families?" To which he adamently replies that he has no intention of any such thing, he has no feelings for her at all, that his only connection to her now is the baby. I really do believe that hew still loves me, regrets what he has done and that he has no intention to be with her, however, perhaps you maybe right......
PhoenixRise Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I am sorry to say that I think it is likely that your husband has been carrying on an emotional affair with this woman in addition to the ONS you know about. He is talking about leaving you and your 3 kids to go back to England? Why? The other woman lives in England and now that his one night stand that didn't mean anything has resulted in a pregnancy he wants to leave you and the 3 kids he already has to be closer to OW. I think you need to take a much closer look at what is going on. Stop taking his word for everything.
stuckinoz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hi, . I really do believe that hew still loves me, regrets what he has done and that he has no intention to be with her, however, perhaps you maybe right...... However.................He is still leaving a marriage, you & three children - to be closer to this OW & ONE child? This doesn't make any sense. If it were me I'd investigate a little more. There's more to this story than what's here. Has to be........Who does that!!! OH & BTW...His "Getting Drunk"....& having the one night stand..Not an excuse! Something is rotten here.
Author Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 he says he is leaving us because he cannot live over here around my family with them all knowing what he has done!! He says it would be too hard and that it would never work for us.
Author Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 did she also tell you she tried to kill her self and that she planned it so i would find her ................ and to leave 3 children behind just so i would live with the guilt of it all ...................you all are very good at givin advice when you only hear one side of the story .... who do you lot think you are have you nothing better to do with your sad little lifes ? from the big bad husband
LifesontheUp Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 he says he is leaving us because he cannot live over here around my family with them all knowing what he has done!! He says it would be too hard and that it would never work for us. Sorry for what you are going through. I just don't understand why that would make him go back to England. If he loves you and the kids he would stay and face the music. Sorry but I am with others here who say there is more to it.
Owl Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I'd like to suggest to "the big bad husband" that he start his own thread here. We'd be more than willing to talk with you too...but it works a LOT better if you two have your own seperate threads, and don't stray onto each other's. As far as your "revelations" about your wife...none of that was hardly surprising. Did YOU consider the scope of the emotional devestation and trauma you've caused her by sleeping with someone else? I think not, or you would have demonstrated a little more compassion and understanding about what she's going through, and about her potential suicide threat. Realize that most of us here have been through something similar in the past, either on her side or yours. Seriously...start your own thread...or at least give your wife some peace and let her come here for advice. You'll find that most of us are pretty pro-marriage...but your response is one that sure would cause me to begin to doubt that advice. There's a lot of bitterness and anger in there, and clearly directed not only at us, but your wife as well. Take some ownership for what you've done...don't blame her for her strong reactions to what you've done. Man up, and help her deal with it and work through it, rather than try to make her sound like the "bad one" in this situation.
PhoenixRise Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 did she also tell you she tried to kill her self and that she planned it so i would find her ................ and to leave 3 children behind just so i would live with the guilt of it all ...................you all are very good at givin advice when you only hear one side of the story .... who do you lot think you are have you nothing better to do with your sad little lifes ? from the big bad husband if this is from the big bad husband, perhaps you should get your own screenname and post your own side of the story. and just so you know, people come here to post their stories and get support for dealing with infidelity. It is only possible to post your ideas and support based on the information you are given.
stuckinoz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I'd like to suggest to "the big bad husband" that he start his own thread here. Take some ownership for what you've done...don't blame her for her strong reactions to what you've done. Man up, and help her deal with it and work through it, rather than try to make her sound like the "bad one" in this situation. Wow & woops.... - Never saw that before in LS......Owl - You are 100% correct. Hubby - Start your own thread. who do you lot think you are have you nothing better to do with your sad little lifes ? from the big bad husband and for the record.....she came here for advice - no one went after her
LifesontheUp Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 did she also tell you she tried to kill her self and that she planned it so i would find her ................ and to leave 3 children behind just so i would live with the guilt of it all ...................you all are very good at givin advice when you only hear one side of the story .... who do you lot think you are have you nothing better to do with your sad little lifes ? from the big bad husband Showing your true colours She's better off without you, you are selfish and think only of yourself. You make me sick.........afraid to face the music eh? Why not man up and face it after all its the consequences for your actions. Own up to it being more than a one night stand........go on be honest for once.
Author Angel78 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 sorry guys, i left the comp on, I did come to you all looking for advice and appreciate all you've given. This is just a horrible situation for me.
JackJack Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 You're right you're in a tough situation. You came here for advice and you'll get that, and some of it you may or may not like and your H probably wont like most of it either. That's understandable. However, you need to look yourself in the mirror and then decide what kind of help you need. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. That's really your main priority at this point. If you need to seek some individual counseling, that would be great too. My guess is, him wanting to go back to England is his way of going to be with her. WHY? because if he was truly sorry he would stay here, work things out with you, and go to whatever links he could to do that, and not worry about what the family or anyone else thinks of him. Right now I'd seek some legal advice on what you can do, and seek some counseling for yourself.
Darth Vader Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 did she also tell you she tried to kill her self and that she planned it so i would find her ................ and to leave 3 children behind just so i would live with the guilt of it all ...................you all are very good at givin advice when you only hear one side of the story .... who do you lot think you are have you nothing better to do with your sad little lifes ? from the big bad husband To the Husband, or whatever: Why don't you face us and stop being a coward! Face us like a man and not like a Loser!
Darth Vader Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 sorry guys, i left the comp on, I did come to you all looking for advice and appreciate all you've given. This is just a horrible situation for me. What a Bastard that you have for a husband! Listen up Girl, if the OW is preggers, you had better file for child support now! Because in many courts, the first to file gets the child support! You want your 3 children that you have with this man or whatever he is to get the child support! Listen Honey, your hubby's pissed because you're ratting him out, raining on his parade. Well, Inform all family members too, including his, as to what he's been up to.
delajoonal Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 to the big bad husband...EWWWWWWW! you are a coward for posting such mean stuff about YOUR WIFE! hello!!! SHE IS the mother of your children...no matter what you do or what she does....she will always be the mother of your children and YOU.. mr. big bad husband...need to have more respect for HER than post some cruddy words about her wanting to kill herself....well, you know what...WE all want to die thearetically...when we find out the lOVES of our lives are cheating on us..after years of marriage and sharing our lives and having children together...yes, we all have felt like we want to die at some point...it does not mean we ARE going to kill ourselves...please... i am sure YOU are not worth her life....she was just upset, scared, hurt, humiliated....and every other horrible feeling under the sun...you are supposed to be her husband, her best friend, her protector, her confidant...and then you cheat, get that OW pregnant..then have the nerve to use your wifes username and post in HER group therapy website! shame on YOU big bad husband..shame on you! now if you want to join in and tell YOUR side..then GET your own username! MAN UP!
Reggie Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Your husband sounds very insensitive and has a huge sense of entitlement. Why would he want to leave, especially if you are in such desperate shape. And, why would he try to humiliate you further , by disclosing the extent of your desperation(not that you should be embarrassed about this.) As others have said, an initial, extreme reaction is very normal. And, you need to examine your H's reactions, both in expressing his intention to leave and in trying, in some twisted way, to justify both his cheating and leaving by telling folks who are supporting you about a suicide threat. If this is his true character, you may want to reassess your desire to remain with him. He, obviously , has a mean streak , in addition to his dishonesty and entitlement issues. I'd start looking at info on NPD to make an assessment of his suitability as a spouse. If he is personality disordered, as can be gleaned from his post and actions, you are better off without him in your and the kids' lives. Sorry he has put you through this.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 he says he is leaving us because he cannot live over here around my family with them all knowing what he has done!! He says it would be too hard and that it would never work for us. Your husband is an a-hole. Bottomline, if he wants to go, let him go. He is giving you a bullcrap line saying that he wants to move away and the why behind it. Obviously he wants to be with the OW. I rarely tell people to divorce their spouses, I usually suggest counselling and even more so since kids are usually involved, but in your case, DUMP HIM. Get child support, and have your family and friends help you through this. Your H is selfish, a liar and is full of himself. did she also tell you she tried to kill her self and that she planned it so i would find her ................ and to leave 3 children behind just so i would live with the guilt of it all ...................you all are very good at givin advice when you only hear one side of the story .... who do you lot think you are have you nothing better to do with your sad little lifes ? from the big bad husband Gaslighting your wife eh? Why would you say something like this on a public forum? Just shows how selfish you are. You're the one who has cheated on her and knocked up the OW. IF this is true, then it is YOUR responsibility to HELP your wife through this and get her the help she needs. Counselling, being assesed by a professional.
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