SummerSun Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 What I would like to know is....if you have a 'mutually' good first date is it always the case that the guy falls over himself to contact you and arrange to see you again - as though nothing would stop in his way...or is it more 'normal' for a guy to continue with his life and not overly contact you any more than before the first date? From past experience, the guys that have been oh so ultra keen have turned out to be pretty insincere.....so am thinking what is more natural, genuine behaviour if you go on a date and with a girl and feel you have some sort of connection..... Also what should the girl do. I don't want to come on too strong by overly contacting him, but then there is also the thing that guys like forward girls who make the move......
prettybaby Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Sending the guy a text within 24h following the date to thank him and tell him you had a great time and would love to do this again is a nice move in my opinion. It's sweet, genuine, not overwhelming, and it leaves the door open for him to respond by casually offering another date. It will make things easier for him too as this will reassure him that you did indeed have a good time; so he won't be doubting and wondering how he should proceed next, and it will give him that extra push to keep the ball rolling. I know people say that the guy should make the next move after the first date, blah blah, but a nice little thank you text has never hurt.
Thornton Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I would expect a guy to be extremely keen if we had a good first date - if he's not keen in the beginning, when will he ever be? I want a guy who's falling over himself to contact me, because I'm a very emotional and affectionate person who likes a lot of contact, and I feel unhappy when my man isn't the same way - if he isn't falling over himself to contact me then we're probably not compatible anyway. I would say if you expect him to be falling over himself to contact you, then you should do the same, otherwise he'll feel you aren't reciprocating his attention. If you like a guy to be more reserved then be more reserved yourself - act as you would like to be treated, at least it's honest and the guy gets some idea about what you'd be like in a relationship. I hate when guys are all attentive for the first few months, then once you're in a relationship they relapse back into their normal behaviour of not being particularly emotional - if I'd known they were like that I wouldn't have wasted my time!
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, it depends what you mean by "keen." There's a world of difference between connecting a day or so after a first date to set up a second one, and being in touch 4 or 5 (or more) times within a day. The former is, IMO, respectful and interested. The latter is just clingy and smothering. By all means, contact him. Yes, secure men DO appreciate women who aren't afraid to take initiative. It shows confidence, and that's never a bad thing.
Author SummerSun Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 By 'keen' I did mean the clingy and smothering type. I seem to fall for that though - the charmer who says what he knows you want to hear etc etc. But I'm trying not to stress that just because a guy doesn't behave in that way doesn't mean that he isn't interested - it's just that maybe he is more genuine with his feelings!!! Thanks, I did what you suggested actually - 24 hrs after the date I texted him to say I really enjoyed myself and that hopefully we could meet up again soon blah blah blah. He did reply positively, but as he is going away this week (for a week) he was a bit vague as to 'when' the next date would be....'when he got back'. I guess I'm being a little impatient and wanting something more concrete!!!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I say let the man make contact first, especially in the early stages. If he likes you, you can bet your behind he will.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I say let the man make contact first, especially in the early stages. If he likes you, you can bet your behind he will. Not so sure about this. If a man is *required* to do all the contacting and the woman takes no responsibility in that area, it won't take long before the guy figures, "I guess she's just not interested, she's taking no initiative at all. Never mind. I'll find someone else who's more interested." A relationship is a two-way street. Expecting him to do all the contacting without reciprocation will only breed resentment and a sense that she simply doesn't care.
Author SummerSun Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I think you're right Thaddeus - and it's great to get a male perspective. Us girls are pre-conditioned into believing that we should sit back and let the man do all the running, make all the decisions etc. and that to make the first move, contact, or ask out on a date etc is too forward and the man will see it as needy. I think I'm going to go with your reckoning. I want an equal relationship, one where we each make decisions and are both happy to make suggestions....
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Us girls are pre-conditioned into believing that we should sit back and let the man do all the running, make all the decisions etc.It's a common misconception and harkens back to a day when women were expected to be demure and passive. But those days are done. Thank goodness. You have a right - no, not just a right, a responsibility - to take charge of your own happiness. Sitting around waiting for the phone to ring is hardly the responsible thing to do (though, alas, even some women who insist on equality in everything else still labor under this delusion that it should always be up to the man to make the move). I'm glad you think like a modern woman. Props to you! Good luck! I hope it goes well - and I have a sense that it will.
kizik Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Just had a great date last night. Thanks to this thread, I'll send her a text prob. tonight and ask her out for Saturday. Thanks!
RedAlert Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Accepting the invitation would be a good first date for me!
alphamale Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 but then there is also the thing that guys like forward girls who make the move...... no, actually we like girls who respond to our moves
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 no, actually we like girls who respond to our moves Exactly. Let's say I go on a great first date with a guy. He then calls me in the next few days to set a second date. I respond to his voice with warmth and happiness to hear from him. I tell him what a great time I had and express my excitement about seeing him again. We end the call with me feeling happy that he followed up for a second date, and him feeling happy that I was so responsive and excited about seeing him again. Second date is a blast, like the first, and we keep it rolling from there. All dude has to do is keep picking up the phone and inviting me on fun dates. All the while, I am chiming in with ideas for fun things I'd love to do with him, and he is showing he is invested by doing a bit of his own research into possible events, dates, etc., and inviting me. This is how I have always done it, and things have always unfolded in a fun and exciting way. Everybody wins.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 All dude has to do is keep picking up the phone and inviting me on fun dates.So, if I read this right, it's always up to the guy to pick up the phone and do the inviting?
Thornton Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So, if I read this right, it's always up to the guy to pick up the phone and do the inviting? I wouldn't hang around waiting for a guy to contact me! If I like him and I want to see him again, I'll pick up the phone and invite him out. That way he knows I'm interested, there are no misunderstandings about whether I like him or not, no pressure on him to be the one who calls me. The ball is in his court and he knows I'm interested, so if he doesn't respond it's his loss, and at least I know I tried and didn't lose him by sitting back and doing nothing.
kizik Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Thaddeus has consistently made good points about our antiquated courting rituals. There's an inherent, ironic disconnect between the fervor of the feminist movement, and the "come catch me" games those same, supposedly liberated chicks still play.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Every serious relationship I've had has begun in this way. None of these guys has ever complained or seemed to have any problem with doing the initiating. In fact, they seem to enjoy that role and delight in coming up with fun ideas and showing me a good time. Also, I enjoy the luxury of separating the wheat from the chaff. A man who is attracted to me and wants to pursue a meaningful relationship will have no problem inviting me out to spend time together. No one has ever told me he feels I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship, at any stage. In fact, they have all remarked on how nice it is for a change to be with a woman who is an active and equal participant. There is nothing wrong with happily embracing gender roles that fulfill you and make you happy. I am perfectly able to go outside and manhandle the charcoal and mesquite, throw the meat around on the grill, and serve up barbecue for the whole gaggle of friends, but my man usually enjoys doing that while I make the salad, mix some drinks, bake the pie, etc. I am not banned from the grill, and he is not banned from the stovetop. This is simply what we like to do, so we do it. Men who are not cool with courting me in the traditional way can move on, and I won't miss them. There are plenty of men who are happy to take on that role. One of those is the guy for me.
JHparkes Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Every serious relationship I've had has begun in this way. None of these guys has ever complained or seemed to have any problem with doing the initiating. In fact, they seem to enjoy that role and delight in coming up with fun ideas and showing me a good time. Also, I enjoy the luxury of separating the wheat from the chaff. A man who is attracted to me and wants to pursue a meaningful relationship will have no problem inviting me out to spend time together. No one has ever told me he feels I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship, at any stage. In fact, they have all remarked on how nice it is for a change to be with a woman who is an active and equal participant. There is nothing wrong with happily embracing gender roles that fulfill you and make you happy. I am perfectly able to go outside and manhandle the charcoal and mesquite, throw the meat around on the grill, and serve up barbecue for the whole gaggle of friends, but my man usually enjoys doing that while I make the salad, mix some drinks, bake the pie, etc. I am not banned from the grill, and he is not banned from the stovetop. This is simply what we like to do, so we do it. Men who are not cool with courting me in the traditional way can move on, and I won't miss them. There are plenty of men who are happy to take on that role. One of those is the guy for me. I couldn't agree more - all of the serious relationships i've had have been where the man has been comfy being the initiator.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 And, IME, every serious relationship I've been in has been with a woman who's not afraid to take responsibility for her own happiness. (OK, there was one exception whereby this woman insisted I chase her. I didn't. She crawled back. I sent her home. No idea what happened to her after that.) Different strokes, I guess.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 And, IME, every serious relationship I've been in has been with a woman who's not afraid to take responsibility for her own happiness. I do take responsibility for my own happiness. It makes me happy to be with a man who is happy to assume the assertive role. I run my business the same way. I am confident in the quality of what I offer. I have a Web site and two forms of advertising to drive traffic to my site. My sales approach is not aggressive -- it's more: here I am, this is my expertise, if you want me come and get me. This attracts quality clients who are committed to working with me for the long term, who don't try to nickel and dime me, and who will wait patiently until I have availability in my schedule to accommodate their projects. A quality client has done his research and knows that I'm the right woman for the job. And a quality man has done his research and knows that I've got exactly what he wants. He has no problem assuming an assertive role and making his intention to win me over perfectly clear.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I do take responsibility for my own happiness. It makes me happy to be with a man who is happy to assume the assertive role.I was actually going back to edit that line about a woman taking responsibility for her own happiness but couldn't because you had already posted. It wasn't my intent to suggest that women (or men, for that matter) who want the other party to take the lead weren't taking responsibility for themselves. No offence intended; it was just a poor choice of words on my party. Apologies to any and all who thought I was being condescending or downright rude.
crew Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 And, IME, every serious relationship I've been in has been with a woman who's not afraid to take responsibility for her own happiness. (OK, there was one exception whereby this woman insisted I chase her. I didn't. She crawled back. I sent her home. No idea what happened to her after that.) Different strokes, I guess. There is absolutely nothing wrong with women initiating. How can u expect to meet a guy that YOU like if you refuse to initiate anything?
WineCountry Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Every serious relationship I've had has begun in this way. None of these guys has ever complained or seemed to have any problem with doing the initiating. In fact, they seem to enjoy that role and delight in coming up with fun ideas and showing me a good time. Also, I enjoy the luxury of separating the wheat from the chaff. A man who is attracted to me and wants to pursue a meaningful relationship will have no problem inviting me out to spend time together. No one has ever told me he feels I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship, at any stage. In fact, they have all remarked on how nice it is for a change to be with a woman who is an active and equal participant. There is nothing wrong with happily embracing gender roles that fulfill you and make you happy. I am perfectly able to go outside and manhandle the charcoal and mesquite, throw the meat around on the grill, and serve up barbecue for the whole gaggle of friends, but my man usually enjoys doing that while I make the salad, mix some drinks, bake the pie, etc. I am not banned from the grill, and he is not banned from the stovetop. This is simply what we like to do, so we do it. Men who are not cool with courting me in the traditional way can move on, and I won't miss them. There are plenty of men who are happy to take on that role. One of those is the guy for me. See..I have found the same thing. When I have been the one to like someone and initiate contact, it has only worked ONCE. I got to the point where I said I will NOT ' go after' a guy again. I will DEFINITELY make sure my attitude, demeanor, body language, etc says that I am open to contact, but i will keep my mouth shut when it comes to actually verbally expressing interest. I have just found that it works better that way for me. I think there is SOME truth to the saying that men like to chase. I feel if a guy is REALLY interested, he will let you know. This has just been my experience. Even watching my friends and seeing how they met their men, all their guys did the asking/chasing. Barbaric behavior, you say? Well, why does it still work more often than not?? I dont have a problem at all doing the initiating, but you know what? I guess neither do most men. So, if they REALLY want to get to know you, they will let that be known.
refurb Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 After a good first date I take the middle of the road approach. I don't go crazy over her, but I let her know that I enjoyed spending time with her and I'd like to do it again. All I expect from her is some indication (hopefully verbal) that she feels the same way. I'll take it from there. RF
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I won't speak for guys' date=' but I think they might really like that. Every time they put a foot forward to asks us out we respond favorably what's not to like about that when two people are really into each other? [/quote'] I will! I do the next-day text thing butcher's is talking about, but if I don't get one back, it's a pretty big indicator that they're not interested. The exchange should generally go like this thru texts: Guy: "I had a great time w/ you last night, wanna hang out later this week?" Girl: "I had a great time too, what time/where/etc.?" In general: Don't try to convince yourself she likes you. If she likes you, you'll know it. If she doesn't, get over it. You're not an Adonis, and all you probably have going for you is your personality, anyway. Plenty more women to harass.
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