Scordicus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hi guys 'n' gals, Although there is the universal language of love lol, I should just point out that I am from across the pond so some of the phrases may be slightly different to what most are used to, also this is obviously just from my perspective.. I am confused some what, don't really know what's going on 100% and could do with any constructive advice especially from anyone that has possibly been in a similar circumstance, I've trawled through the forums but have yet to find any other situation quite the same to mine.. I'll also apologise now if this becomes a bit long winded, just trying to get a bit of insight for my own sanity.. It's quite complex & it's quite honestly frying my brain!! I'm finding this situation that I'm in quite hard to put in to words while keeping it as short as I can, so if you think you may need a bit more info, please do ask & I'm sorry if it seems long winded... --------------------------------------------------------------------- I didn't know where to slot this bit in, so I'll stick it right at the beginning. I do not judge, we all have a past & it is just that the past & I hope you won't judge either, just help me out if you can with some advice &/or opinions... A bit of history on my SO 'H' H is 43, she has 2 older kids (16 & 14) by her late ex-husband, during her 18 year marriage she became an alcoholic as was her husband at the time (as far as I'm aware), and freely admits although she is not proud of the fact, that she destroyed her marriage through the bottle roughly 7-8 years ago, I feel she regrets this and has now been off the bottle for a number of years & no longer drinks at all. Her ex remarried but was unhappy in his new marriage, he was also it seems heavily on the bottle again at this time, and sadly died 5 years ago today (20th July) due to internal organ failure as a direct result of the drink. While 'H' was very vulnerable still reeling from the loss of her children's father & trying to support her children through that time, she got involved with someone else who turned out to be one of these full of false promises & never delivering. He whilst drunk one night raped her which resulted in her having another child 3 years ago. She kicked his sorry pathetic ass out (they only lived together for 2 weeks (& I believe before the 3 yo was born)) and he does not bother either supporting nor seeing this beautiful little girl & has absolutely nothing to do with either 'H' or his daughter... (She told me all this because in her words "I don't want things coming out furthur down the line that may shock you, I'd rather you knew now!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a single parent and still have my youngest son (16) living at home & after being married for 18 years and now divorced for 2 (ex-wife ran off with someone else but that's another story) I'm finding the whole dating game a bit of a nightmare & very confusing with this particular woman. I'm now 40! Twas my birthday yesterday & my now SO 'H' will be 44 at the end of this year, we met through a mutual female friend on Facebook who also happens to be H's neighbour. We originally started talking through FB just over 3 months ago and at that time when we first started talking, H said that she doesn't 'date' & prefers to be single, or at least wouldn't unless someone very special came along, well I guess she saw something very special in me as we've now been dating now for 2 months! When we started dating she made a point of saying she wanted to take things with us slowly, because she likes her own 'space' which I was cool with but didn't quite understand 100%, as different people have different views as to what is fast & what is slow, right?? How much space is enough?? How much isn't?? We talk mainly either by text or MSN which I hate with a passion, but 'H' finds it hard, so she says, to talk on a shall we say on a private level, either face to face or over the phone.. So much so, that in the 2 months we've been together, we've only really spoken on the phone once, as she prefers conversing via text.. Does anyone else find that weird, or is it just me?? Things seemed to be going great between 'H' & myself & 3 weeks in to our new relationship & after half a dozen or so dates, 'H' decided to come over & visit me at my place for the first time (previously I had always been to her place for coffee etc..) one evening with the sole intention of taking me to bed! Now that was great, she was absolutely amazing & it was quite unexpected.. Now I don't personally sleep around partly because that's just not me but also because I am allergic to latex &/or the spermicide & because of that I took the initiative & had 'the snip' some years ago, so I'm very careful about who I sleep with so as not to catch an STD, so just to make sure that 'H' & I were on the same page we had a chat where I told her that I would only make love to someone that I have strong feelings for as I see it as the ultimate giving of yourself and she said she was exactly the same & that she didn't just sleep with just 'anyone' or just have sex for fun.. All good!! The next weekend, I stayed at her place on the Friday night, me staying at her place one night a week I saw as a natural progression in our relationship.. The night was great and during a tender moment in the middle of the night, laying cuddled up in bed, I asked her if she was happy to which she relied that she was & held me tight, I told her that I was too, extremely & I said 'Ya know what - I could quite happily spend the rest of my life with you'.. The week after that we went out as normal as we had been (3 afternoons during the week) coffee shops, flower gardens etc.. On the next Friday she didn't feel too good but didn't say anything till about half an hour before we we're due to go to bed, I think from what she said to me that she was worried to say anything, thinking that I only really wanted to be with her for the sex! Which couldn't be further from the truth, when we went to bed nothing happened & to be honest I really didn't expect it to as she didn't feel 100% so we just cuddled up & went to sleep, but she did feel kinda distant to me.. I mulled this over in my mind and came to the conclusion that maybe it was something to do with her 'Space thing' & by me being there, it was somehow an invasion?? So on the Monday being mindful of her space thing, I sent her a cursory e-mail asking her very nicely to define the 'Space' parameters? What would she like ideally in regards to seeing each other? What does she see as too much? etc.. I was truly shocked and absolutely devastated by her reply.. Her exact words; "Before you came along, I wasn’t ready for or looking for a relationship. Relationships I’ve had in the past have not lasted purely because I can’t give what the other person is looking for. You know I’m not the sort who finds it easy to say what I’m thinking so a lot of things do go unsaid, for which I apologise. You may be a lot of things but you’re not a mind reader!!! I do know how you feel about me and if I’m being honest I find that a little bit over whelming!! I don’t want to hurt you but I never thought for one moment you would end up feeling like this about me. I find the whole ‘love’ thing a bit too much because I’m not ready to give any back. To be honest I’m not sure if I ever will be. I’ve been hurt in the past, as you have, but I have never gotten over loosing (16yo) and (14yo’s) dad. I know we were divorced but for about a year prior to his death we had become very close again and to loose him like we did crucified me." She also said I'm such a nice bloke, I deserve better & I should just forget about her! To say I was gutted would be a huge understatement, in a short period of time, I had shocked myself, I had fallen madly in love with this woman & now she expected me to just walk away!?! I replied to this telling her that if she needed time then she had it, all the time she needed as I knew in my heart of hearts that she is a wonderful woman & I want to be with her, in for the long haul.. Now I know your probably thinking I'm mad for feeling like this, after all, we'd only been together for 5 weeks, but it was enough, this woman had really touched my heart.. So I did the NC thing for a couple of days in the hope that she'd miss me and that what ever was going on in her head, she could hopefully sort out.. Day 1 was NC - Day 2 was NC BUT she kept popping up on MSN. Now I know from a previous conversation that she only goes on MSN to talk to me, she talks to all her friends through FB chat.. So I put a tag-line up opening the door, something to the effect of 'If you don't know what to say, keep it simple & just say that special word you did when we first met.. Hello!' Well she did, she had indeed missed me & wanted to talk to me but didn't know what to say to me, or how to explain things.. All good, so I thought (& if your still with me at this point, I'm very grateful lol) I told her that no explanation was necessary if she didn't feel ready, we had a bit of a chit-chat, how's ya day, that sort of thing, we chatted for the next 3 days where it became apparent that when I said the "Ya know what - I could quite happily spend the rest of my life with you" line, what she actually heard was, 'I want to move in with you - the whole shabang!!' & that's why she got 'Cold feet' as she put it, even though we had previously touched on the subject & both made it quite clear to each other that neither of us wanted to live with each other right at this moment in time, it's way too soon!! So I asked her where we were at & she said on MSN "we can get things back on track but it will be on the basis that we take a couple of steps back and then start again - not going back into what it was." Which she may as well have written in Chinese, because I really don't get it? & I'm far from stupid.. We don't see an awful lot of each other as it is, and the only time we really get any quality alone time (because we both have kids) is on the Friday night when I'm supposed to be staying over!?! After we kinda sorted out that little misunderstanding over a couple of tenuous days, both of us so it seemed, treading on egg shells, she went on a long weekend break with her kids (weekend before the one just gone) which had been booked before we even got together.. On her return I told her, as I am quite open with my feelings that I had missed her, even though she was only away for a few days, but she said nothing back? I eventually asked her a couple of days later if she had missed me at all, to which she replied 'yes she had'.. She says after I asked, that she has feelings for me, but I'm really at a loss as to where I stand! So, since she's been back from her long weekend I know she hasn't been feeling too well & prefers to be left alone when she's under the weather, so I've kinda kept my distance although we've conversed on MSN, we went to the movies on Friday & she seemed fine?!? (I didn't stay the night because she said she wasn't feeling 100%), she blew me out Saturday, said she didn't feel well again, fair do's, I'll give her that one although she seemed fine Friday evening?? (we we're supposed to be going to a BBQ in a different county Saturday & she was supposed to be meeting my best friend & my 2 older children for the first time) & we spent yesterday together & went for a 'family meal' in the evening for my birthday yesterday with the 4 kids we have living at home between us .. I know sometimes actions speak louder than words & she was very passionate when she kissed me goodbye both Friday & last night, but I'm at a loss as to how she really feels?? Yesterday she said to me that she wouldn't be seeing me today as it's 5 years today that her ex died & she was going to take the kids up to the cemetery.. I can appreciate it's hard for her & am more than willing to give her the space she needs today, but she hasn't even text me or come on to MSN to see how I am, which she does by every lunch time without fail (apart from the 2 days we we're NC), and that has upset me.. I know she's been through a lot in the last few years & can't help but feel that as a result of what happened to her ex-husband, she just cant move on?? I really do love this woman & I don't want to loose her, but in the same respect I feel like I'm in limbo & have been for the last couple of weeks, I just don't know where we're at?? & I really don't know what to do for the best? I so want to talk to her about how she feels about everything, but in the same instance, I don't want her to feel pressured in to talking to me about things & end up possibly pushing her away from me.. Well if your still with me, I am grateful & apologise for being so long. I would much appreciate if anyone could shed any light on this situation & any advice anyone could give me on this rather tricky situation I find myself in...
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