TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now and things have gone very well. We get along great, our communication is excellent, and we have lots of fun. In fact, there’s only one tiny issue that hasn’t been a big deal up until recently. Not to get too personal but my biggest sexual fantasy has always been to be with an older woman (I’m 26). I’ve had that fantasy since I was a teenager. I never pursued it, however, because I knew it would be nothing but a sexual relationship, something I didn’t want. My girlfriend’s mom lives out of state and is coming to visit in a few weeks. She’s cool, funny, smart and beautiful, just like her daughter. And because she has all those qualities, along with the older woman factor I’ve always desired, I’ll shamefully admit I’m attracted to her. My girlfriend told me her mom plans to visit and spend the weekend here in a few weeks, and she isn’t bringing her husband because their relationship is rapidly going downhill and potentially ending soon. She also asked, since she works 9-5 and I work third-shift, if I could entertain her mom at her apartment for several hours until she’s done with work I’m not saying I can’t control myself, not at all. It’s just been my experience (I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend) that it’s best to avoid situations that could potentially lead to temptation. What should I do? I don’t feel this is something I can really talk to my girlfriend about. Link to post Share on other sites
stepka Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 You can come stay with 50 yo me instead sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Would it cause issues if you politely backed down from this "Entertaining"? How well do you know her mother? Could you say something like "I do not feel comfortable entertaining for hours when I don't really know her all that well" Then again...I don't think you should put yourself in a situation where you may question yourself....with your girlfriends mother of all people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 stepka: I can understand your sarcasm. The whole situation makes me feel dirty. I don't want to be attracted to her mom - I just am. And I'm doing what I can to avoid a bad situation. JUSTdaNCE: I know her somewhat well but not as well as I usually get to know a girlfriend's family simply because they live out of state. I actually think the not knowing her too well is part of the discomfort I'm feeling toward the idea. I've kicked around the notion of telling my girlfriend I don't know her mom well enough to keep her occupied for an extended period of time but I'm fairly confident I know her answer: it's a long drive (10 hours) and she'll want to kick back and relax after her trip, so she'll want to be at my girlfriend's apartment. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 The unknown wild-card factor appears to be how your GF's Mom will react to YOU. If she's any kind of Mom to your GF, she will handle the situation deftly so that parental roles/boundaries will be clearly defined... if she even picks up on your attraction to begin with. Some things are better left to fantasy. This is definitely one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 OpenBook: I disagree. I don't think it should be a fantasy. While it may be okay to have a fantasy about an older woman, I don't want that older woman to be my girlfriend's mother. Her mother and I have done friendly flirting but I don't think it's anything unusual. When we met, I told her I never would have guessed she was my girlfriend's mom because she appeared too young. While I was trying to do the boyfriend thing of getting on the good side of the parents (it's important to me to be on good terms with a girlfriend's family), I actually did mean it. She was quite young when she had my girlfriend (20), so she doesn't seem old enough to have a daughter my age and it surprised me. You did tap into something I'm concerned about, though. I'm afraid my being alone with her will make it clear I'm attracted to her through nerves, awkward glances, whatever. I'm not saying her mom would feel the same or act on anything, not at all. But I don't want her mom to become aware I find her attractive. I wouldn't want her to think less of me. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 No way. Tell me this is a troller thread. It's got all the symptoms of a bogus Loveline call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 kizik: While I'm new to this forum, I am not new to forum's in general. My normal posting occurs at football communities. I can't stand flames, trolls, whatever you wish to call them, and I assure you I am not one of them. I saw some of the "similar" threads from below and was dismayed I had been linked to such a category. I'm not looking to snag my girlfriend's mother - I'm looking to avoid such a situation. I feel badly for being attracted to her. Link to post Share on other sites
prettybaby Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Surely, you should be able to put yourself some boundaries. You have this fantasy, fine. But this is your girlfriend's mother and the consequences -whether she picks up on it, reacts negatively, or reacts positively- are in any possible scenario disastrous. That should be enough to turn you off and put her in the "family" zone instead of the "I'd like to screw" zone. A little self-control and common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 prettybaby: I don't believe there's a serious threat of anything happening. Even if by chance - and it's incredibly small - some vibe were being sent out we both received and accepted, it's not like I don't have self-restraint. I'd like to believe I could walk away from the situation. I'm just concerned about the situation overall and what my girlfriend's mom may think of me. If she senses I'm attracted to her, will bad things follow? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I hope your girlfriend's name isn't "Stacy" ... look, you're a big boy and you are very well able to control yourself around this woman. Don't flirt or give yourself the opportunity to do something stupid. It's one thing to be hospitable, another to make a jackass out of yourself. Mom might be tempted to flirt, esp. since her marriage is going down the drain, but you don't need to encourage it, you know? Not unless you want to be girlfriendless and in the dog house with TWO women because you overstepped boundaries. leave it as a fantasy featuring some faceless woman, and NOT your girlfriend's mother! Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 By imagining over and over again how NOT to appear like you are attracted to, that is exactly what will happen. Use your imagination to your advantage. Imagine a friend's mother who you are not attracted to at all. See yourself and how you speak and behave towards this woman, imagine this over and over again, what feelings do you have in your body etc. Then gradually replace that image of the unattractive mom with your girlfriend's mother and imagine yourself behaving in the same way towards her - this works, seriously. It's no different to a runner imagining over and over again winning the race. If you think about what you don't want too much, you will act out those things because that's all you've thought about. Also maybe have some lines rehearsed should you get all flustered around her 'sorry if I'm a bit nervy, I just really like 'insert girlfriend's name' and want to make a good impression' - which you do, it's not a lie. I'm sure you can think of some others that will help diffuse the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 quankanne: I never liked that song. Yeah, I'm going to do everything possible to not flirt and merely come off as hospitable. The fact I was told her marriage isn't going well doesn't help matters. I became concerned it would throw fuel on the fire when it comes to wondering if she'll be able to tell I'm attracted to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 Paddington Bear: That's good advice. I guess my concern stems from my past with women. While in high school and at the start of college I was very awkward around girls. It wasn't until I was a junior in college that I started to do better and relax more. However, my weakness is still one-on-one contact with someone I'm attracted to in an uncomfortable setting, one not of my choosing. If I can talk to a girl I'm attracted to one-on-one at a bar I like, or at my own apartment, or a place I've chosen, I'm fine. I'm fine if the girl I'm interested in chooses the place too, but this is different. My girlfriend has arranged this meeting and the nerves will be up, and when my nerves are up I'm afraid my "game face" will be off. And by "game face" I mean being able to converse with someone I'm attracted to without appearing rattled or nervous. Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Ok, so you're sounding like you think that you have absolutely no control over yourself, that you're like some kind of animal working on instinct, which I'm sure is not true. You're also working from the assumption that her mother will flirt with you or somehow lead you on. Just make sure that normal motherly friendliness and getting to know her daughter's boyfriend doesn't get misinterpreted by you as something else, because then you'll be like 'oh my God, she invited me to dinner...this means...', when all it means is that she's trying to be friendly and get to know you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcheripie Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Why does her mom need to be entertained? Can't she just hang out at the apartment til her daughter gets home? Maybe you could take her to lunch with one of your friends? Then drop her off at the apartment so she can rest and unpack etc. But I wouldn't go hang out at the apartment with her. Link to post Share on other sites
stepka Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 stepka:I can understand your sarcasm. The whole situation makes me feel dirty. I don't want to be attracted to her mom - I just am. And I'm doing what I can to avoid a bad situation. I'm sorry Irish kid, I wasn't being sarcastic. Just teasing you a bit--probably should have used my smilies. Of course you're being good, but I don't know what to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 Paddington Bear: I don't know what part of my saying I'd be able to walk away made you think I can't control myself, but I'll restate it again: I can walk away. My concern is that my girlfriend's mother, because I'll be nervous, will sense that uneasiness and realize I'm attracted to her and potentially construe my being nervous as a form of a come-on. I don't want her to know I'm attracted to her. If she realizes that, will she dislike me? Will she tell her daughter I have a thing for her or that I'm a jerk? That's my concern. Sweetcheripie: Those are all good points. The reason I have to go over there is because my girlfriend will be at work and there won't be anyone there to unlock the apartment for her mother. Her mother doesn't have a spare key to the place because she lives out of state. And my showing up to unlock the door only to immediately leave could be taken as rude, and I don't want that either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 stepka: No worries at all. Even if you meant it to be sarcastic, I could understand. My being attracted to her mom is pretty low. I don't want to give out too much personal info but my girlfriend and her mom are actually from your state. Too many good looking girls in MO, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 My concern is that my girlfriend's mother, because I'll be nervous, will sense that uneasiness and realize I'm attracted to her and potentially construe my being nervous as a form of a come-on. as long as you're not flirty or giving off strong vibes of attraction, she may just think that you're nervous about entertaining your GF's parent, you know? And that would be a good cover to assume in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 quankanne: That's what I'm hoping it comes off as - me just being nervous upon getting to know her. Again, my main worry is that she'll discover I'm attracted to her, think I'm a jerk, and tell my girlfriend. I don't honestly expect to have my meeting with her mother turn into some poorly produced pornography. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I don't honestly expect to have my meeting with her mother turn into some poorly produced pornography. Not that you haven't had a porn loop or three run through your head though, eh? Fantasies are fine. Nothing in your situation to feel particularly guilty about, and you seem like a guy who knows better than to act on them so I'm sure you'll be fine. I guess I'm fortunate in the sense that I've never sexually fantasized about my MiL. Save the occassional BDSM daydream. But those are more about the duct tape than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Bayern Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Self control is all you need. If you can't handle it then excuse yourself outside or something. Save the occassional BDSM daydream. But those are more about the duct tape than anything else. Quoted for hilarity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 Gorilla Theater: The thoughts appear from time to time but I would do everything in my power to avoid acting on them. This has never been an issue before. Maybe it's because her mother is younger than the moms of most girls my age, I don't know, but I'm definitely attracted to her. Bayern: I think you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
stepka Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 stepka: No worries at all. Even if you meant it to be sarcastic, I could understand. My being attracted to her mom is pretty low. I don't want to give out too much personal info but my girlfriend and her mom are actually from your state. Too many good looking girls in MO, eh? No, I don't think it's low at all. What would be low is if you acted on it. You can't help how you feel, only how you deal w/ it, and I just happen to think you're a pretty neat guy b/c you're trying to control yourself. Also, think how lucky your gf will be if she marries you and doesn't have to worry about aging, b/c you'll like her even better when she's older. Now, from an older woman's perspective: If I thought you were attracted to me as the gf mom, but you were just shy and sweet, I would be flattered and think it was sweet. If you did the horndog routine, I wouldn't like you anymore. It's really that simple so you can quit worrying. Link to post Share on other sites
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