I am maybe getting my second chance, wanna thread carefully now....

[KissTheRain]

Please help me, I am maybe getting my second chance, wanna thread carefully now....Please help me out...

 

Hi,

I guess my old thread had no replies cause it was too long and complicated. Anyway I will keep this one short and I hope some experts do reply.

 

Me and my ex of 2 and some years broke up about last October, we were living together for 2 years I was shattered and did all kinda crazy things, including some NC too. It was her descision and she wanted out cause later she told me it was cause I had started to take her for granted and she never felt any love from my side etc etc. Where as I loved her more then I even thought about myself, it also had to do with her Mom moving back to town and she at the time didn't like me much, now things are different, her Mom likes me and things are good on that front.

 

Anyway then in Feb we started to slowly hang out etc. We would do all the things we used to hang out, make out, party together etc spending long nights together, play computer games go house shopping, take our pets out like we used to etc etc. we even had our share of fights in this time as some of the older issues were not resolved completely. Now she spends most of her time with me, we hang out nearly every evening, go out to dinners, movies, and do all the things we used to. There are some more things she wants me to work on and I am fine with that, and I understand she says those for my own good too, like the gym and a new job so I am happier.

 

Now the issue is that I can't get her to commit herself to me again, or can't ask for a committed relation cause she says she never wants it anymore. If I ever talk about us, she just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Over the weekend I had a huge argument with her 'cause I could not take just being hung in the middle. Infact we had a plan to go out to the bars, and whilst I was waiting for her to call me to let me know when to pick her up, she simply called and said that another friend of hers was getting her and that I should just come by there, she made it clear that she had hung out with me the whole week and she did want me to come there, but I could not stand being second to this friend of her and told her that I rather no come out. And ofcourse I did not go. She sent me a text the next morning that she was sorry that she hurt me, and if I had felt bad about the evening.

 

When I met her next we had a huge argument and I told her how I had felt and that I am sorry that I could not stand being second to no body for her. And that I needed to know where I stand am what I am to her, and what she wants off me as I am only in this city cause of her, so if she is not interested in any of it ever she should simply ask me to leave for good. She started to cry and simply said that she really likes me, and no she doesn't want me to leave town. And She doesn't know what we both are, and she can't explain what I am to her. I told her that I needed to know cause in the end I totally love her and I am committed so if she is not sure I don't want to be wasting my life. And then I simply switched my phone off and left town till Sunday evening. She got in touch with my friends to know where I had gone, she even spoke to my family to find out if I was ok, as I ahd just left after a fight.

 

Sunday evening I then met her for a bit. No she had no answer for me, she still did not know what we were. Well then I told her that I then need to leave the city and need to get over her if she doesn't want any of it, and if she doesn't believe we can be together ever again, we both were holding hands and walking, and she started to cry again, She said she would really miss me, and that she really cared about me, but she does not love me the way she did. I asked her what was the difference between really really care about someone and loving someone? She just looked at me with those teary eyes, and we just hugged.

 

I dont know what to say or do, I am so so very confused, more confused bacause she makes me that way. I mean we spend all our time together doing all the things we used to but she is somehow scared of committing herself, I know maybe it is bacuase of what she expericnced in the past but now for the past 5 months I have done all I could for her and she herself tells me how much I have changed for the better. I dont know what to do I am really losing it.

 

Please advice any help would do, I know she loves me I can see it in her eyes, and I can feel it everything we are together, but I also feel she is not letting me know that, or she is holding it back, cause she doesn't want to be hurt again, I feel she sub-consiously protecting herself. Cause all the closest people in her life have let her down and left her, her Mom, her Dad, and in the past me.

PLease advice me what to do, she is a real sweetheart who I feel is confused.

Thanks

[NopeNah]

Well first off. You two aren't even oficially back together and you're arguing already..Not good. Second..seems to me like you're putting ALOT of pressure on her to get back with you..and that comes off as needy. I understand you want to know what's,what and all. But, it looks to me, by her saying "she doesn't love you like that anymore", that it's over in her eyes. She was hanging around so much by either not having anyone "new" and she was comfortable with you. Or.. to get that famous ego stroke and make her breakup with you, just that much easier on her.

[samspade]

You have placed way too much value in your ex girlfriend and are letting her control the frame of the relationship (and its outcome). Protect YOURSELF and pull your attention away. You need to clear your head and get a little perspective. If she broke up with you once, that means her interest in you dropped to a level that will never be replenished. Use the only power you have in this situation and cut the cord.

[LovesHangover]

It reads like you love her and both of you are confusing each other.I am a BIG fan of saying what is on your heart to say and working/dealing with the response you get.It seems that you have done this. Now, give yourself and your lady time and space to process this and figure out what you want.Please take care of yourself in this process. Do less with her and take time to clear your head. It can go either way, but you expressed yourself. That is about the most you can do with her and you can do a lot more to take care of yourself and grow from this.Good Luck!

[BCCA]

Now the issue is that I can't get her to commit herself to me again, or can't ask for a committed relation cause she says she never wants it anymore. If I ever talk about us, she just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Red flag.

 

What does that tell you? It tells me that shes not going to want to get back together, but she doesnt mind some company. Let me guess, when you are in front of other people, she wants to maintain the appearance of being broken up, doesnt she? Listen bro, shes just taking you for a ride, and losing respect for you the whole time.

 

She sent me a text the next morning that she was sorry that she hurt me, and if I had felt bad about the evening.

 

So, she's sorry if you feel bad. lol She's not sorry for what she did, or for how she acted, shes sorry if the end result is you being upset.

 

Get what Im saying here?

 

When I met her next we had a huge argument and I told her how I had felt and that I am sorry that I could not stand being second to no body for her

 

Your problem is that you say you cant stand to be second, but then you keep going along with it. She cried to guilt trip you, which worked beautifully, and then she had the piece of mind that you werent going anywhere when you told her how much you loved her. Youre doing all the wrong things here, dude.

 

Sunday evening I then met her for a bit. No she had no answer for me, she still did not know what we were

 

Listen, SHE KNOWS! Shes not telling you for one reason: she knows its not what you want to hear.

 

Plain and simple, people dont just 'not know' if you hear that, you can bet youre being BS'd.

 

Here is what you need to do:

 

1. Tell her you need someone who can give you more than 'I dont know', so while you appreciate her attempts, they arent enough, and youre not going to take it anymore; you cant.

 

2. Tell her that as long as things stay the way they are, she is going to need to completely and totally leave you alone. You cant be around her, talk to her, or even listen to her.

 

3. If she says she still doesnt know (which is exactly what shes going to do), you need to stay completely out of contact with her, for good. You cant give an inch, anywhere. Its all or nothing, and shes probably going to try calling your bluff.

 

4. Move on, date new people, heal yourself up.

 

Im sorry friend, but shes treating you like crap, and youre letting her. No one who cared about you would do this to you, its just cruel.

[Phateless]

Please help me, I am maybe getting my second chance, wanna thread carefully now....Please help me out...

 

Hi,

I guess my old thread had no replies cause it was too long and complicated. Anyway I will keep this one short and I hope some experts do reply.

 

Me and my ex of 2 and some years broke up about last October, we were living together for 2 years I was shattered and did all kinda crazy things, including some NC too. It was her descision and she wanted out cause later she told me it was cause I had started to take her for granted and she never felt any love from my side etc etc. Where as I loved her more then I even thought about myself, it also had to do with her Mom moving back to town and she at the time didn't like me much, now things are different, her Mom likes me and things are good on that front.

 

Anyway then in Feb we started to slowly hang out etc. We would do all the things we used to hang out, make out, party together etc spending long nights together, play computer games go house shopping, take our pets out like we used to etc etc. we even had our share of fights in this time as some of the older issues were not resolved completely. Now she spends most of her time with me, we hang out nearly every evening, go out to dinners, movies, and do all the things we used to. There are some more things she wants me to work on and I am fine with that, and I understand she says those for my own good too, like the gym and a new job so I am happier.

 

Now the issue is that I can't get her to commit herself to me again, or can't ask for a committed relation cause she says she never wants it anymore. If I ever talk about us, she just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Over the weekend I had a huge argument with her 'cause I could not take just being hung in the middle. Infact we had a plan to go out to the bars, and whilst I was waiting for her to call me to let me know when to pick her up, she simply called and said that another friend of hers was getting her and that I should just come by there, she made it clear that she had hung out with me the whole week and she did want me to come there, but I could not stand being second to this friend of her and told her that I rather no come out. And ofcourse I did not go. She sent me a text the next morning that she was sorry that she hurt me, and if I had felt bad about the evening.

 

When I met her next we had a huge argument and I told her how I had felt and that I am sorry that I could not stand being second to no body for her. And that I needed to know where I stand am what I am to her, and what she wants off me as I am only in this city cause of her, so if she is not interested in any of it ever she should simply ask me to leave for good. She started to cry and simply said that she really likes me, and no she doesn't want me to leave town. And She doesn't know what we both are, and she can't explain what I am to her. I told her that I needed to know cause in the end I totally love her and I am committed so if she is not sure I don't want to be wasting my life. And then I simply switched my phone off and left town till Sunday evening. She got in touch with my friends to know where I had gone, she even spoke to my family to find out if I was ok, as I ahd just left after a fight.

 

Sunday evening I then met her for a bit. No she had no answer for me, she still did not know what we were. Well then I told her that I then need to leave the city and need to get over her if she doesn't want any of it, and if she doesn't believe we can be together ever again, we both were holding hands and walking, and she started to cry again, She said she would really miss me, and that she really cared about me, but she does not love me the way she did. I asked her what was the difference between really really care about someone and loving someone? She just looked at me with those teary eyes, and we just hugged.

 

I dont know what to say or do, I am so so very confused, more confused bacause she makes me that way. I mean we spend all our time together doing all the things we used to but she is somehow scared of committing herself, I know maybe it is bacuase of what she expericnced in the past but now for the past 5 months I have done all I could for her and she herself tells me how much I have changed for the better. I dont know what to do I am really losing it.

 

Please advice any help would do, I know she loves me I can see it in her eyes, and I can feel it everything we are together, but I also feel she is not letting me know that, or she is holding it back, cause she doesn't want to be hurt again, I feel she sub-consiously protecting herself. Cause all the closest people in her life have let her down and left her, her Mom, her Dad, and in the past me.

PLease advice me what to do, she is a real sweetheart who I feel is confused.

Thanks

 

Cliff's Notes?

 

Bullet points would be great.

[Trialbyfire]

NaNu, you need something that she can't or won't give to you. I've noticed that it's only your side that's getting fixed. What about her side?

 

It seems to me that she's reversed the roles, in that she's now the one taking you for granted. Perhaps it's time she realized that you will also enforce your boundaries and walk away to heal and move onto someone who can appreciate what you've got to give.

 

Also, plse don't become one of those bitter young men who hate the world. You've learned something in this experience and that's not to take someone for granted that you love. For that matter, I hope you've also learned to recognize within you, when you're in love, before it's too late.