icemann12 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hey everyone, I have been seeing a girl kind of for a little over 2 months now. We have been on multiple dates, we constantly talk via either text or phone call. I have spoken to her about taking it further a few times, the first time she said, I got out of my last relationship about 10 months ago, and for the first time in over a year, i actually feel good about myself, im enjoying my independence, and i also do not want to bring a new bf around Dom(her 4 year old son) she is 22. She also said that with saying that, she doesnt want to lose me either. Now the thing that is really bothering me is, i dont know what she wants at all. Last week, she invited me over for sex, we havent had sex yet, everything was going well until we were about to do it. Then for some reason i went limp, never has happened to me before, cant explain it, and she joked about it, said dont worry about it she had a blast anyways. On friday i went to a party with her, we had an awesome time, but after about 2 hours, she got sick, drank too fast, so i took her home and helped her into bed then left. Last night i talked to her about my feelings and what not, saying i love being her friend, but itt really isnt the only thing i would like to have between us, sex isnt the only thing i want, it isnt evenn really important to me, being with her is more important. I asked her why every time i seem to move closer on her, in a non-friend way, she gets uncomfortable. Now she has had family problems in the past in which her therapist seems to say it has given her commitment problems. Her answer was that she gets scared, because the one time that we do something non-friend like, we can never go back. I said to her that i get nervous too, but she means a lot to me and its a chance i am willing to take to see greater pastures. Tonight she invited me over after work, and i knew it was for sex, but i also know she is nervous about it, i know she doesnt normally get nervous about sex, cause she has sex, but with me she gets nervous. It is really starting to wear down on me. When i got there tonight, i said to her, if she doesnt want to do it she doesnt have to, and she said ok, we didnt have sex. Another thing is taht, i get so ****ing nervous around her that im literally afraid to even put my arm around her, i dont know why, i have NEVER been like this around a girl before, ever. I constantly go home completely pissed off at myself for pussing out completely. i cant stand the fact that i havent done anything in my power to make this better for me, because im afraid of what might happen, is there something i can change, or that i can do differently, is it important i have sex with her, i want to know waht i should do. Because i am at breaking point and i really really like this girl, do not want to lose her and be a friend zone person forever, that will devastate me. I really appreciate any help, if anyone can critique me on what i am doing wrong, or any of that stuff, thanks in advance for the help.. MP.
green/eyes Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Wow dude you seem like you are doing all the correct and upstanding things. Just keep the communication lines open, and don't assume anything. Now with that said, don't keep bringing up the fact that you want to elevate the level relationship, she knows that you already told her. If she said she is enjoying her independence then enjoy it with her, but don't keep badgering her. That my friend may make her run fast. If she has had some troubles in life (who hasn't) then just be there for her, listen to her, really, really, listen to her. Provide feedback as necessary. One reason she may be pulling back is because she likes you. I don't know her, but if she has been wild in the past she may be trying to turn a new leaf and the pull back is a defense mechanism to keep herself in check. She may have in the past been under the impression that a relationship was graded by sex, or the overall physical aspects (guys have a way of tricking young girls to believe that). Now she may have matured to understand that many things go into and grade a relationship. This would also explain the thing about doing something non-friend like and not going back. There is also the possibility that she does just look at you as a good friend. She may still find you attractive and be willing to have sex with you, but may have lost some friends in the past due to that, which would also explain the doing something non-friend like and not going back. The list of hypothesis could go on and on. Regardless of the reason if you do like her just remain there for her. Listen to her and nurture her . Be her friend first and let the rest take care of itself. If it's meant to be it will be.
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 invited me over for sex In this situation, I think you should just let the sex flow. When it happens it happens. Since things revolving around sex seems to be a little touchy- I think making nights specifically "for sex" might make things a little more uncomfortable. Hang out...watch a movie... and let things happen
Author icemann12 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 so i guess i dont really need to change anything then eh?
paddington bear Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 By saying 'we are going to have sex on this day and at this time' you're setting yourself up for disaster. Why not repeat to this girl that you really are sexually attracted to her, so much so that it makes you nervous. And yeah, just start with getting used to putting your arm around her, being close physically and let her get used to that as well. And then maybe a little cuddle the next time. Then stroking the neck and then and then...well, you get the picture. Let it build slowly at a comfortable pace for both of you, that way the pressure of 'I must perform NOW!' is off both you (and her - you think girls don't get nervous about sleeping with guys for the first time? We do. Particularly if we've built up a long relationship with them beforehand, what if he doesn't like my body, what if I'm a disappointment, what if me being bad in bed ruins what is outside of sex a perfect relationship?)
Author icemann12 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 By saying 'we are going to have sex on this day and at this time' you're setting yourself up for disaster. Why not repeat to this girl that you really are sexually attracted to her, so much so that it makes you nervous. And yeah, just start with getting used to putting your arm around her, being close physically and let her get used to that as well. And then maybe a little cuddle the next time. Then stroking the neck and then and then...well, you get the picture. Let it build slowly at a comfortable pace for both of you, that way the pressure of 'I must perform NOW!' is off both you (and her - you think girls don't get nervous about sleeping with guys for the first time? We do. Particularly if we've built up a long relationship with them beforehand, what if he doesn't like my body, what if I'm a disappointment, what if me being bad in bed ruins what is outside of sex a perfect relationship?) Very true, thankyou, so maybe i should take her out on a date and just enjoy myself, get it off of my mind, tell her that stuff about how i get nervous around her and what not, and just see what happens? Usually im perfectly capable of dating, making a relationship work, but this is unusually hard for some reason, im hoping it will be worth it lol, her best friend wants her to date me, and her son loves me too, so idk why im having such trouble
paddington bear Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Very true, thankyou, so maybe i should take her out on a date and just enjoy myself, get it off of my mind, tell her that stuff about how i get nervous around her and what not, and just see what happens? Usually im perfectly capable of dating, making a relationship work, but this is unusually hard for some reason, im hoping it will be worth it lol, her best friend wants her to date me, and her son loves me too, so idk why im having such trouble Yeah that's the idea. The fun has gone out of this whole thing because you're too nervous about the sex issue. So bring the fun, spontaneous, let's see what happens and enjoy ourselves attitude back and I'll bet everything will change. I think I know why you're so nervous. You've fallen for her. I'm the same. Much easier to be physical (and I mean even a hug) with someone you've either just met, or that you're not totally in love with. Once those emotions come in, the whole thing becomes more weighty and more of an issue because of FEAR! So, drop the fear, become more relaxed and fun around her, she'll pick up on those vibes and will follow suit and before you know it one day, or night one thing will naturally lead to another without you both having to discuss it.
Author icemann12 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Yeah that's the idea. The fun has gone out of this whole thing because you're too nervous about the sex issue. So bring the fun, spontaneous, let's see what happens and enjoy ourselves attitude back and I'll bet everything will change. I think I know why you're so nervous. You've fallen for her. I'm the same. Much easier to be physical (and I mean even a hug) with someone you've either just met, or that you're not totally in love with. Once those emotions come in, the whole thing becomes more weighty and more of an issue because of FEAR! So, drop the fear, become more relaxed and fun around her, she'll pick up on those vibes and will follow suit and before you know it one day, or night one thing will naturally lead to another without you both having to discuss it. yes very true, only thing that bothers me is, people make it seem like if i dont have sex like NOW. then ill be just a friend forever, is that true?
paddington bear Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 "Last week, she invited me over for sex "She gets scared, because the one time that we do something non-friend like, we can never go back" If you were in the friendzone she would have said something like 'I just don't see you that way, but can we stay friends?' She invited you around for sex, something you really want to do with her, so you were understandably nervous. She meanwhile is nervous because you guys are such good friends that now the sex is a Big Deal. You're not in the friendzone, you do not have to have sex right now this instant in order to escape that horrible zone, both of you want to, but both are nervous about it. Different scenario all together.
Author icemann12 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 well i talked to her today, and im taking her out on friday to dinner and a movie, any good ideas for what i can do? i live next to boston
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