Author Graduate Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Hi dressing, no I didn't. Chicken, I know. But the thing is, he is leaving town in 1 week anyway as his job is taking him to Asia for a while. So I figured that this would be the end of us anyway, no need to create drama for the last few days. Our date was actually very nice (they always are), we went rock-climbing for a few hours, than we had a coffee before he took me home. When we said goodbye he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him the next day. I agreed and we had lunch yesterday. Again it was very nice. He has to work at night these days, but he said he would let me know if he could get Friday night off and we could go see this movie I wanted to see. So he is definitely not treating me like a booty-call at the moment, my impression is that he likes me, but he also likes to date other girls. No problem with that, if we had not agreed to be exclusive. Though I remember asking him if he was okay with sleeping together exclusively. So he might think it is okay to date other women as long as he is not sleeping with them. Though he has not made any move to sleep with me recently, so I am thinking that he has gone on to sleeping with somebody else and has demoted me to a girl he is dating. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on. I have decided to just take it day by day, try to have fun, but realize that this is not going to be a serious, long-term relationship. It is difficult though, because I could really like him.
dressing up Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Asia. That means he would be able to hang out with some Asian chicks, if you know what I mean. Don't want to generalize but many of them do that there. Your attitude to take it day by day and continue with your life is good. You just have to be resolute and carry it out. I hope you do.
Mary3 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Don't let him put his hands on you if you think he is sleeping with other girls and just * dating * you. That part is OVER. Please don't let him talk you into bed, How disrespectful of him...
darknightie Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Oh my god. I think I dated this guy. Not literally, but figuratively. You know what he did? He went on a trip to Jamaica, that he had originally planned with his ex but they broke up and he wanted to go by himself because he needed the vacation, already paid the ticket, this and that. He was SO sincere and sweet to me, I never suspected what was coming. He didnt tell me in advance when he was coming back (and I felt silly pressing the issue because we'd only been seeing each other a few weeks and only some heavy kissing ensued thus far) but I knew it was "Around" a week because he worked in the same building as me and word gets around. Anyway -- a week later he returns. Friend of mine comes to my desk and says, "um. I need to tell you something and I just dont know how to do this., So I am just going to say it....he's back. And he has a wedding ring on." Yep. He called me not a few minutes later, and explained that, SURPRISE - him and his ex ended up going together after all, they made amends the day before the trip and decided to give it a shot. And on a whim, got hitched. Said it was what he wanted. What a TOOL. That was the moment I told him "I hope you are happy, dont ever speak to me again". And although he tried to, I NEVER did again. Creepy, huh? I swear to god - my story began identical to yours, except obviously I knew about an ex, and instead of asia, it was jamaica. Something to keep in mind. BUT - on the other hand, if you know he is a shady already, and right now he is only taking you out and spending money on you (he's paying, I hope)...then let him. Just dont sleep with him. And in the mean time, continue your hunt for a better fella. He hasn't stopped his - apparently.
Thornton Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 This doesn't sound good to me. Calling at the last minute for late night dates, leaving at 4.30am, making excuses for you not to go to his place... sounds to me like he has a gf! There's no reason why he wouldn't take you home and be proud to show you off to his room-mate if he really liked you, no reason why his dog should need to be walked at 4.30am - who walks their dog at 4.30am anyway?! Plus he's still active on the dating site despite having agreed to exclusivity, and when you pointed this out he tried to turn it around and blame you for checking up on him! You're making excuses for him, such as he has a new job and works a lot of hours - believe me, if a guy wants to see you he'll make time. He's making excuses for his behaviour too, and it's time you said: Stop! I don't want to hear your excuses, either you treat me right or I'm gone. If his actions matched his words I'd say he probably did really like you, but the fact is that he's talking the talk but not walking the walk. Just because he's acting nice and saying he really likes you, that does not make him a decent guy, that makes him (possibly; likely in fact) a manipulative liar. I dated a guy who didn't want to have sex to begin with because he "wanted to save something for later", because he'd "never felt so good about a relationship" and didn't want to move too fast. Guess what - he had a serious long-term gf all along. If I were you I'd be doing a bit of covert surveillance - do you know his address? I'd be tempted to park my car outside and see who comes and goes, or even wait till he goes out and knock at the door under the pretence of doing a survey. If he does have a gf, you can bet she's his "room-mate". I'd also check up on him online, or by calling his work, anything I could do to catch him out. You're not being needy or overly suspicious; you're rightly concerned about some pretty odd behaviour, and it all sounds very fishy to me. My suggestion is that you stop having sex with him and see if he bothers to continue seeing you; also stop accepting last minute dates and tell him you like him but you're not willing to make plans at such short notice, especially not late at night.
Author Graduate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Hi guys, thanks a lot for your posts and opinions. Don't worry, I don't plan on sleeping with him again or accepting another last-minute invitation. I have not heard from him since our Wednesday lunch date, which is rare for him because he usually contacts me on a daily basis. He also has not gotten back to me yet on whether he needs to work tomorrow night or can make the movie we were talking about. I fully expect him to send me a message tomorrow saying: 'Sorry, I can't make it. I have to work. Can we reschedule?' And my reply is going to be: "Sure, I will let you know when I got time." And then never contact him again. I have to admit that it is really difficult for me to stay away from him and today I was about 100 times on the verge on contacting him, but I am doing my best to stay strong and not go there. Honestly, I can't wait for August to come around, when I know he will be out of the country. I find it much harder to resist his sweet words when I know he is only 15 minutes away. And once he is gone, I am sure he is going to stop contacting me and I can go back to living my life. One thing is for sure though, I am going to take a good, long break from dating. Just been going through too much pain lately.
socialight Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Ruby Slippers is 99% correct in her advice. One other point -- make sure you consider the genuinely great guys you missing out on while being involved with the subject at hand.
moo Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Graduate, I'm usually in the breaking up forum. Sometimes I come to the coping forum, esp. to post a letter to my ex. I read you letter. Gosh, it was like we were dating the same bf. Maybe we can help each other.
Mary3 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hi guys, thanks a lot for your posts and opinions. Don't worry, I don't plan on sleeping with him again or accepting another last-minute invitation. I have not heard from him since our Wednesday lunch date, which is rare for him because he usually contacts me on a daily basis. He also has not gotten back to me yet on whether he needs to work tomorrow night or can make the movie we were talking about. I fully expect him to send me a message tomorrow saying: 'Sorry, I can't make it. I have to work. Can we reschedule?' And my reply is going to be: "Sure, I will let you know when I got time." And then never contact him again. I have to admit that it is really difficult for me to stay away from him and today I was about 100 times on the verge on contacting him, but I am doing my best to stay strong and not go there. Honestly, I can't wait for August to come around, when I know he will be out of the country. I find it much harder to resist his sweet words when I know he is only 15 minutes away. And once he is gone, I am sure he is going to stop contacting me and I can go back to living my life. One thing is for sure though, I am going to take a good, long break from dating. Just been going through too much pain lately. This guy is acting just like a guy I know did about 5 years ago. They don't really seem that into you , they cancel dates , if they do see you its pretty casual and they just want sex.
Author Graduate Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Hi everyone, just an update to let you know how things played out: Yesterday I 'broke up' with him. After our wednesday lunch date I only got a short message from him on friday saying he couldn't make the movie and another short message on Sunday saying he was 'trying to call me later'. I never heard from him again. So yesterday, on monday, I sent him a short email saying that this obviously was not going anywhere and we should just end things now. As a reply he sent me a really long email, longer than anything I had gotten from him in a week. In it he apologized, said he had been really busy, but basically confirmed that his focus was so split right now (probably on other girls) that he could not give me the attention I deserved. He also said he would like to stay friends and get together some time for lunch. I did not reply and have no attention of ever seeing him again. My impression of his email was that he was glad I did the 'dirty work' and he did not have to be the bad guy by breaking up with me. If I had not done it, he probably would have strung me along for a few more weeks, always hoping that I would get fed up and break up with him. He had told me in the past that most of his friends were girls who he used to hook up with at some point in the past. I'd say that's his MO and it probably feeds his ego to have so many female friends who he used to sleep with him and who still want to be in contact with him. He also said that he sometimes still hooks up with them from time to time. Well, I have no interest in joining his personal harem and I only wish I had cut him loose sooner than I did. At least I stood up for myself in the end and cut the cord. I could not have done it without your help, so thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate all your advice and insight!
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