Graduate Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I am absolutely clueless here, and I would totally appreciate your opinions on my problem. Here is the sit: I met this guy online about 3 weeks ago, we met for coffee, hit it off and have been dating about 3-4 times per week so far. When we are together he is a real gentleman, very attentive, sweet, etc. The days I don't see him he usually sends me 1-3 messages. We slept together after two weeks or so and I told him that if he wanted to make this a regular thing, we would have to be exclusive. He said that was fine with him, especially as he had already told me he really liked me and was not interested in seeing anybody else. Here is the problem: Other than for our first date, he will never make plans in advance. I have told him already twice that I did not like last-minute invitations, but still, the way it works is that he will send me a text or email around 09:00 pm and ask if I want to get together. Before we started sleeping together he would also send me a text around 10:00 in the morning and ask to meet for lunch. But lately it is always at night. It is not that he comes straight over and we head for the sack, usually we go out for drinks, late-night movie, dinner, etc. And then we end up at my place most of the time. But still, I feel more like a booty call than a girlfriend. I have not yet been to his place, he says that's because he has a room-mate and tries to stay out of their way. When he spends the night at my place he always leaves around 4:30 claiming it is because he has to walk his dog. Right now he is on a business trip out of state and while he writes me every day and tells me he misses me and can't wait to see me again, he still has not made actual plans. I asked him about that and he said he would let me know when he gets back. Oh yeah, up until a few hours ago I did not even know when he would be coming back. I have asked him a couple of times and all he ever said was 'Soon'. So today I sent him a really frustrated email and said 'would you please just tell me when you are coming back, or it it a state secret?' and he finally told me that he would return tomorrow. Oh yeah, I have also seen that he is still active on the dating site we met on, even though we agreed to be exclusively dating. Does any of this sound regular guy behaviour to you, because every fiber in my body tells me that he is cheating on me or cheating with me on somebody else. Please help! I don't want to mess something possibly great up by letting my inscecurities rule my head, but at this point I am ready to tell him to forget about it because we are obviously not a good match for each other.
lucy9216 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well something does seem fishy about this guy, but you two have only been dating for how long? 3 weeks? He may have been really into you but it also sounds like the two of you have been moving way too fast. When he calls you, you are always ready to jump, if you need him to make initial plans with you then when he calls you, you need to do just that. If he calls you at 9 pm and wants to see you that night you are busy and make plans with him for a future date. Your actions are speaking louder than your words. I did read somewhere that alot of women make the mistake of what is called the "instant relationship" basicallly when a woman or even a man starts acting like they are already in a relationship right away when at the beginning it should just be about getting to know this new person. Getting too involved too quickly can certainly frighten someone and push them away. So I would say back off a little and wait for him to call, do not send anymore frustrated messages this is really scary especially at the very beginning of a relationship do not do this anymore. I would say stop contact and wait for him, but like I said do not jump at every one of his requests. It makes it look like you do not have a life of your own.
Author Graduate Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Hi Lucy, thanks a lot for your reply. You are right, I have certainly made the mistake of falling into an 'instant relationship' with him and now I find it hard to just relax and go-with-the-flow. It is not that I don't have a life, and he knows that - he often makes little comments like 'you wouldn't have time for me anyway'- about it, but I already told him "Yes, I have a life, but I am happy to make room for you in it. Just give me the heads-up if you want to do something, so I know not to make other plans." That is one of the reasons we always get together so late at night, usually I am doing something else earlier with a friend. But the part that frustrates me is that if he told me he wanted to get together, I would make plans with him, instead of someone else. But once I made plans with a friend I am not going to cancel just because he suddenly decides he wants to see me. Oh, and I am usually not the one who initiates contact. The two times I did it, he basically ignored my calls for a day or two. So I usually let him call me, which he does, but out of 3 messages per day, he only mentions getting together in one of them, if I am lucky. I just get so frustrated when he tells me stuff like "I miss you, I can't wait to see you" but won't actually make plans to get together. And when I ask him, 'so do you want together this week' he replies with 'i have to check my schedule, I will let you know.' Aargh, I am so frustrated!!!
2sure Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If you told him you want to have plans made in advance And he doesnt do that.... Why do you continue to go out with him when he calls you at 9 pm with no advance notice?
Author Graduate Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 If you told him you want to have plans made in advance And he doesnt do that.... Why do you continue to go out with him when he calls you at 9 pm with no advance notice? Because on paper he is the perfect guy for me. I know, I know, who cares what he is on paper. But don't you worry, I have reached the point where I won't accept last-minute invitations anymore, because no matter why he is doing it, if I don't like it, he is just not the right guy for me. My reason for posting is in hopes of hearing your opinions on whether it sounds like he is playing me, or whether I am just insecure and needy. Basically, when I look back at previous relationships of mine I realize that I often torpedoed them by being way too insecure and breaking up with the guys over nothing. (One guy I really liked I broke up with because he only sent me 10 emails per day, instead of 25.) So I know, that when it comes to dating, sometimes I can be my own worst enemy.
Mary3 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This is Classic * Booty Call * No real plans , late night calls of wanting to come over. You spelled it out to him in the beginning. He wants the sex so he is trying to comply. He is way too vague. Do NOT give this guy your body anymore. Even if he changes it does not matter because he is using you for sex.
Author Graduate Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Even if he changes it does not matter because he is using you for sex. What do you mean 'even if he changes'? So even if he starts making plans in advance, plans that don't take place at night, and even if he is interested in seeing me even if it doesn't lead to sex, I should still forget about him? But don't all guys want to get you into bed as much as possible? How can I tell if he is interested in more than a booty-call?
New Again Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Sounds like you're a booty call. Either way, I think what the situation really comes down to is that you're not happy with how things are.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I have told him already twice that I did not like last-minute invitations, but still, the way it works is that he will send me a text or email around 09:00 pm and ask if I want to get together. Before we started sleeping together he would also send me a text around 10:00 in the morning and ask to meet for lunch. But lately it is always at night. He is doing the minimum he can get by with and still get sex, and you are enabling it by accepting his last-minute invitations. When he spends the night at my place he always leaves around 4:30 claiming it is because he has to walk his dog. Again, bare minimum investment he can get away with. Oh yeah, I have also seen that he is still active on the dating site we met on, even though we agreed to be exclusively dating. Then you are not exclusive, or he would at least like to be dating others or someone else. I don't want to mess something possibly great up by letting my inscecurities rule my head, but at this point I am ready to tell him to forget about it because we are obviously not a good match for each other. Other than staying active on the dating site after he agreed to exclusivity, he's not doing anything wrong -- he's just following the guidelines you have communicated are OK with you. You are letting him treat you like the booty call girl, so he is. Given that he's still browsing for women, I don't think he sees you as anything more, and by this point probably won't.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I'd be much less worried about the last-minute arrangements than the fact that he's still on the dating site. Life and business can keep a person very busy so last-minute arrangements often can't be helped, but the fact that you agreed to exclusivity while he remains on the dating site is a bit of a worry. Have you talked to him about it?
Author Graduate Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I'd be much less worried about the last-minute arrangements than the fact that he's still on the dating site. Life and business can keep a person very busy so last-minute arrangements often can't be helped, but the fact that you agreed to exclusivity while he remains on the dating site is a bit of a worry. Have you talked to him about it? Well, I have mentioned that I saw him online on that site and his reply was 'So you are keeping tabs on me now? Stalker!' He acted like it was no big deal and I kinda felt stupid for bringing it up again. But I am planning on mentioning it again the next time I see him. I was thinking of saying something like: 'So why are you still active on match.com? I thought we agreed to be dating exclusively. Did I misunderstand something?' What do you think? Does that sound like a good way to broach the subject?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, I have mentioned that I saw him online on that site and his reply was 'So you are keeping tabs on me now? Stalker!' He acted like it was no big deal and I kinda felt stupid for bringing it up again. So, he turned it around on you and you fell for it? He's browsing other women after he's agreed to be exclusive and you feel stupid?
Mary3 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 What do you mean 'even if he changes'? So even if he starts making plans in advance, plans that don't take place at night, and even if he is interested in seeing me even if it doesn't lead to sex, I should still forget about him? But don't all guys want to get you into bed as much as possible? How can I tell if he is interested in more than a booty-call? Right now he's the chameleon ; ever changing ....to suit what you want. The POINT is he IS doing these things and you are calling him on the carpet for it. He's thinking geez I thought getting a piece of tang was going to be easy but she is right behind me. Checking the fact that I am on the online site and then I twist it on her when she confronts me. Uh , the WAY you can tell he is interested in YOU , instead of your booty, is by NOT sleeping with him when he makes late night calls. I promise you say this : You know steve I don't think you should come over so late tonight , when you are ready to ask me out on a real date give me a call :"
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So, he turned it around on you and you fell for it? He's browsing other women after he's agreed to be exclusive and you feel stupid? Excellent point, Ruby. He totally turned that on you, Graduate. This guy is totally hiding something. He knows you really want him, too. Time to check out, IMO.
Mary3 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, I have mentioned that I saw him online on that site and his reply was 'So you are keeping tabs on me now? Stalker!' He acted like it was no big deal and I kinda felt stupid for bringing it up again. But I am planning on mentioning it again the next time I see him. I was thinking of saying something like: 'So why are you still active on match.com? I thought we agreed to be dating exclusively. Did I misunderstand something?' What do you think? Does that sound like a good way to broach the subject? Listen . he has a smorgasboard of women on the online sites. He is likely winking and writing MANY women. You realize there are 1,000's of women and if he can just ONE to say YES to sleeping with him , then he works on the other 999..............
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 he will never make plans in advance.I have told him already twice that I did not like last-minute invitations, but still, the way it works is that he will send me a text or email around 09:00 pm and ask if I want to get together.I feel more like a booty call than a girlfriend.I have not yet been to his place, he says that's because he has a room-mate and tries to stay out of their way.When he spends the night at my place he always leaves around 4:30 claiming it is because he has to walk his dog.he still has not made actual plans.I asked him about that and he said he would let me know when he gets back.Oh yeah, up until a few hours ago I did not even know when he would be coming back. I have asked him a couple of times and all he ever said was 'Soon'.and he finally told me that he would return tomorrow.Oh yeah, I have also seen that he is still active on the dating site we met onOh, and I am usually not the one who initiates contact. The two times I did it, he basically ignored my calls for a day or two.but won't actually make plans to get together. And when I ask him, 'so do you want together this week' he replies with 'i have to check my schedule, I will let you know.'Well, I have mentioned that I saw him online on that site and his reply was 'So you are keeping tabs on me now? Stalker!' I thought I would itemize the issues for you, for easy reference...
Mary3 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 he will never make plans in advance. CLASSIC bootycall symptom have told him already twice that I did not like last-minute invitations, but still, the way it works is that he will send me a text or email around 09:00 pm and ask if I want to get together. I feel more like a booty call than a girlfriend. Thats because you are Booty Call Thats also typical. Make plans ? Why should he ? He just calls and you and him play ( I could have used a different word ) I have not yet been to his place, he says that's because he has a room-mate and tries to stay out of their way. When he spends the night at my place he always leaves around 4:30 claiming it is because he has to walk his dog. Yeah sure , walk the dog. A polite way of saying he got his piece and theres no reason to hang around .he still has not made actual plans. And he wont make any either. Your expectations are very low I asked him about that and he said he would let me know when he gets back. Oh yeah, up until a few hours ago I did not even know when he would be coming back. I have asked him a couple of times and all he ever said was 'Soon'. and he finally told me that he would return tomorrow. Thats a man whos got you by the throat. Please disrespect me and then tell me when you are coming back to do it again Oh yeah, I have also seen that he is still active on the dating site we met on You pick some real winners. 90% of the guys on ALL the sites are looking for some tang and not much more... Oh, and I am usually not the one who initiates contact. The two times I did it, he basically ignored my calls for a day or two. but won't actually make plans to get together. And when I ask him, 'so do you want together this week' he replies with 'i have to check my schedule, I will let you know.' Another BIG sign. Hes not contacting you because he is out with other women. Well, I have mentioned that I saw him online on that site and his reply was 'So you are keeping tabs on me now? Stalker!' THIS guy is a real prize. Trust me he is cheating or about to and is laughing at you and the amount of tang you gave him.
redant Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 You are way too into this guy way too soon. I think he needed to know that you wanted exclusivity before you had sex. You had sex then demanded exclusivity. It was easy for him to say sure. How do you know he's a man that is true to his word? I think you need to reevaluate. I know how you feel. You may expect him to be a certain way but really you can't. He can do whatever he wants including lying, using, cheating. Try and date other guys. This guy does not seem to be sincere.
Author Graduate Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Wow guys! Thanks a lot for all your posts and the way you broke it down for me. At least now I know it's not all in my head and he IS actually treating me like a booty-call. I feel so stupid for not listening to my instincts and continuing to see him even if I felt bad about it. Well, that's all gonna change. No more late-night booty calls for me. From now on if he doesn't make plans in advance and treats me like someone who is a priority in his life, I am just not going to go out with him. I am also not going to sleep with him anymore, and -even though I really hate doing it- I am going to ask him about what is up with him and the dating websites. The reason I hate to bring this up is because I am sure he is going to say something that will make me feel stupid. Like "hey, we only agreed to be sleeping exclusively, we never said we couldn't date other people'. Do I really need him to say to my face that he wants to see other people? Maybe I should just send him an email and ask him about it. I know, I am a chicken. So here is the newest development: I guess he realized that I am getting fed up, because he sent me an email asking if I wanted to meet for lunch tomorrow. So not only is he asking me out a day in advance, it is also for a non-booty related activity. Though I've got to tell you guys, I am 90% sure that I am going to receive an email tomorrow saying: "I am so sorry, but something really important came up at work, can we reschedule to 10:00 at night?" Obviously my reply is going to be something like: "No, sorry. Already made other plans." And possibly I am going to add something like: "I think we should stop seeing each other. It's just not working out for me." How does that sound? You guys must think I am a total loser for continuing to date a guy who treats me this way. But the thing is he always seems to have a good explanation for his behavior. He HAS just started a second job, so he is working more than 40 hours per week, which is his excuse for not having time during the day or being able to make plans in advance. And he never acts like he assumes he is going to get laid when we go out. Instead after we go out, he brings me home, gives me a kiss at the door and thanks me for a lovely night. I usually ask him if he wants to come up, and he often says something like "I'd love to, if you are not too tired". And the first two times he came up to my place we actually did not sleep together because he did not want to. When I asked him why not, he replied "Because I really like you and want to take it slow." So the next time when he was at my place and wanted to take it further I asked him why he had changed his mind and he said: "Because now you know how I feel about you (he had told me earlier that he 'really liked me') and you know that I am not dating anybody else." In addition to all that, you should read the emails he has sent me during the last few days from his business trip. They are full with statements like: "I miss you, I can't stop thinking about you, I am desperate to see you again, I hung out with my buddy last night and all I did was talk about you." Do you guys see why it is so hard for me to trust my instincts and believe that he is playing me? Wow, that was a long rant. Sorry about that and thanks for reading.
redant Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Yea well you could be a bit paranoid too. I get like that myself. Try to be objective and see his intentions. Try to get the truth so you will not be paranoid. Good luck!
Mary3 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 While its normal for him to want to have sex with you , thats a given , he needs to know that you respect yourself. If he makes a date and then jacks it up to 10 at night I would say " You know John , sorry you could not make our date. I don't want to be your late night entertainer so lets rescedule the date and I will talk to you tomorrow "
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 More and more, I am learning that you really do teach people how to treat you. I don't think this guy is all that culpable -- he has merely been following the rules you have laid down. And possibly I am going to add something like: "I think we should stop seeing each other. It's just not working out for me." "I think" is not resolute. If you don't want to see him, say something like, "I don't want to see each other anymore." Your whole problem here is that you are not making firm decisions (no last-minute dates, etc.) and sticking to them. You need to develop your own sense of self-respect and solid decision-making skills.
RedDevil66 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Don't over analyze, don't sleep with someone right away and always play a little hard to get. You are his booty call. It's rare when a man has respect for any woman who gives it up too easy
Author Graduate Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 So here is the update: I barely slept last night because I was sure he was going to cancel this morning and ask to postpone to a late evening. Well, he did postpone. At first he sent me a text saying that his plane was heavily delayed and he barely slept at all. And he therefore wanted to know if I was okay with rescheduling to tomorrow. I did not reply because, frankly, I did not know what to say. A few minutes later he sent me another text and an email in which he asked if I was free this afternoon, as he would like to go rock-climbing with me. I thought about it for a few minutes and then agreed, because even if it is a last-minute change, it is still taking place during the day and I'd really like to go rock-climbing. I have no idea why he changed his mind within a few minutes from "sorry, I got to cancel" to "can we postpone by 2 hours". My suspicion is that he had another date lined up and the girl cancelled on him. Gosh, I am so suspicious. I don't know how this could ever work out between us when I second-guess everything he says and does. I plan on asking him about his activity on the dating website. Any advice on how to broach the subject?
dressing up Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Graduate, just read through your thread. What's the update? Did you manage to ask about his activity on the Web site? That aside, I feel that if you can't accept his last-minute ways, then it's not ideal. It'll just be painful all the time.
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