aloneanddepressed Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 As I mentioned in a previous thread, I brought up the issue of someone using tobacco. Well in this particular case, this guy I was thinking of going out with, he chews tobacco. I have only talked to him on the phone (although for quite a long time), and have not been dating him. I was told that if I had a problem with this issue, to bring it up to him in a "reasonable" manner without offending him. Unfortunately, tonight I tried to bring it up in the most reasonable manner possible, and all hell broke loose. Please tell me what you think, because I do not think I was out of line; however, I do think he was. To begin with, the first time he mentioned he "chewed", I acted like it was fine. Well, I did not comment, criticize etc. I listened to what he had to say. Maybe I should have spoken up at the time, and once again in a "reasonable" manner informed him of how strongly I felt about the issue or nicotine. He smoked for 15 years, and claimed he quit this about 4 months ago, but he says he chews tobacco every morning, all day. Hopefully that was a bit of an exaggeration. Tonight, I told him I was curious about something he had told me. I told him I was scared to mention it before, and did not want to offend him. I told him that I was worried I may have an issue with this. I had never been brought up around it, and was curious as to how often he chewed tobacco.I know that I was very polite, I went out of my way to not offend him. I know I could have just waited until another time, but I felt I wasn't being honest, letting on that it might have been fine with me. I think I have a right to question this. I said nothing out of line. His reaction was crazy, if you ask me. I know he probably took it personal, and is a bit sensitive, but my god. He accused me of being hypocritical, and judgmental. He flat out called me a hypocrite and judgmental. He told me he might as well move back to the city he was originally from, because "small town" people are too judgmental. At this point I was completely offended myself, and the conversation became very awkward. His voice was getting louder, and he seemed very defensive. I miraculously remained very polite, didn't even raise my tone, and agreed with what he had to say. He started running off at the mouth and would not stop. He told me how a man can be abusive and a real jerk, and a woman want to be with them, but though they wouldn't date them if they smoked or did tobacco. I mean everyone has their preference, what the? Plus, I never told him I wasn't interested in him or that I didn't like him. I kept telling him that it didn't mean I wasn't interested in him. It was no attack on his character. He continued to run off at the mouth, and told me that he guessed I had never been around a "redneck". And yeah, he dipped every morning, and all day. He was like "I don't know if I want you as a friend", basically because I disliked what he did. He told me chewing is basically nothing, and its not dangerous etc. It doesn't hurt him or no one. I was so offended. I think he may have said some other things, but I can't quite remember. I know he was taking this very personal, but I don't think I said anything for him to be reacting this way. Anyways, it is rather odd, because at first he seemed to be such a nice guy, and to be honest now I'm really freaked out. It's not so much he chews tobacco, but the way he reacted, to someone he has talked to on the phone like 4 times max. After I got off the phone I felt completely nauseated and attacked. I never said anything to be treated like this, and I went out of my way to be nice, and approach the subject in a reasonable manner. What do you think?
collegekid491 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Working with alot of people who... fly off the handle, your approach was simply the straw that broke the camels back. In other words, it wasn't the cause of his rant, he probably just had a bad day or its a hot button. We all have anger build up if we don't vent it properly, some handle it much worse then others. But ya, if he gets that defensive this soon (when he should be trying to impress), its only gonna get worse.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Well, I was very surprised by his reaction. I tend to get upset myself, and can be very sensitive, but considering we haven't even dated, what the ? Maybe, I shouldn't have ask him anything about his "habit" this soon, but I feel like I have the right, if asked in an appropriate way, which I know I did. If he does get this defensive soon, I wonder what it would be like if I was in a relationship with him. He has the nerve to act like this now to someone he doesn't really know. Working with alot of people who... fly off the handle, your approach was simply the straw that broke the camels back. In other words, it wasn't the cause of his rant, he probably just had a bad day or its a hot button. We all have anger build up if we don't vent it properly, some handle it much worse then others. But ya, if he gets that defensive this soon (when he should be trying to impress), its only gonna get worse.
boogieboy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 You werent actually considering going on another date with this guy were you?
boldjack Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Alone, I know that you think that he was out of line, but maybe this has been an issue before. Like heavy set people always being reminded about their weight, for example.
boogieboy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Alone, I know that you think that he was out of line, but maybe this has been an issue before. Like heavy set people always being reminded about their weight, for example. I get badgered by people all the time about not liking kids, its something I feel strongly about, but I know how to keep my composure, and I dont fly off the handle. He clearly has anger issues, and he showed a preview of his future behavior.
StarChick Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I would chalk it up as a...interesting little adventure...and focus my time elsewhere with someone else. If he goes off about something like that, I'd hate to imagine how he feels about bigger issues, being from "the city" and all.
StarChick Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I get badgered by people all the time about not liking kids, its something I feel strongly about, but I know how to keep my composure, and I dont fly off the handle. He clearly has anger issues, and he showed a preview of his future behavior. Bingo! You nailed it.
StarChick Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 And being new, I thought I'd be able to edit my horrible grammar. Silly me! Sorry, folks.
collegekid491 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I get badgered by people all the time about not liking kids, its something I feel strongly about, but I know how to keep my composure, and I dont fly off the handle. He clearly has anger issues, and he showed a preview of his future behavior. You are assuming that he is sensitive about the issue she brought up, which i would agree with you if that is the case, but if it was anger built up over other issues, its a different thing. You ever had one of those days you go to work and you do something wrong and get in trouble, you hold it in. Then you get pulled over by a cop and get nailed with a $500 fine, you hold it in. Then you get dumped, you hold it in. then perphaps someone steals your last piece of gum... then you snap. Not to say its acceptable, cause its not, but there is a difference between a bad day and a anger issue. If your human you have let a series of events cause you to over react. Again, this isn't to justify the behavior but distinguish the difference so the OP can see a balanced view.
lucy9216 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Personally I smoke, I have been smoking for 14 years it is difficult to quit I have tried many times. So being a smoker for a while it does get frustrating when people treat you differently or like dirt just because you smoke. I do not wish to harm anyone else I always go out of my way to make sure I do not smoke around other people or when if I cannot get to a secluded place when I am out I just wait until I get home then I smoke in my patio. My point is I do get alot of rude remarks, evil stares and people do judge me because of this and it is very frustrating!!! because I am a good person that just has a really bad habit and I hate being judged and persumed as being an evil person because I smoke so this could be how this guy felt. He has probably been judged and ridiculed because of his own bad habit and he may be really tired of it. I do not agree that he should have reacted the way he did but I was reading through your post and I could not find where you mentioned exactly what you said to him? I am sure you were as polite as you could be but there may have been one little word that just set him off, not just by what you said but with all other comments by other people and other stress factors combined.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, like I mentioned in the other thread, you can't be responsible for other people's reactions and feelings. Do NOT blame yourself. Don't even think for one moment that you could have said it differently, or at a different time, and it would have been better. As long as you weren't being an outright ***hole, I don't see what the big deal is. COMPLETE overreaction on his part. I'd be done with this one...and not even for the bad habit of tobacco. I can't believe you're even considering still TALKING to the guy, let alone dating him. It's not normal or okay to let somebody verbally abuse you. Calling you hypocritical, judgmental, and small-minded (referring to the small town comment). If he doesn't like being discriminated against for his choice, then he's free to quit! It'd be completely different if it was something that was out of his control.
JustLooking123 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If you don't drop him because of the tobacco use, drop him because of his reaction! That was not a normal response. He has issues. Just imagine how he will react to a real issue. Run fast and far.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Thank you for the replies. I had difficult going to sleep after dealing with this rather strange phone call. I am aware people have "bad" days, but he doesn't even know me that well, and to fly off the handle that way, it was just totally awkward. I told him I didn't want to bring it up the issue, because I was afraid of offending him. I told him it's something I'm not sure if I could deal with, and I've never been around it, but didn't know how often he did this or whatever; therefore I wanted to know more, and thought I would ask. Maybe the part about not knowing if I could deal with it, set him off. Its hard enough for me to accept things like this anyways, and the first time he mentioned it , I could have said something and never talked to him again, but no I did not do that. I mean I never told him I wasn't interested or anything. I told him I was just curious how often he did it, and sure enough he said daily or all day, which is like totally non acceptable in my book, but I still did not say that to him nor make him think that...even if I was thinking there is no way I would date him. He seems to think its way better than smoking, but I thought chewing tobacco actually had a lot more nicotine than smoking? Or am I wrong? He told me he has no reason to quit, and his life is boring and some other crap. I absolutely can not stand that kind of gibberish. I mean my life isn't too exciting at the moment, but I don't excessively smoke, chew, drink or what not. He kept talking about all his other good qualities, insinuating that I thought he wasn't no good, and had nothing else going for him. How in gods name did he get this? Regardless, he tried to make me feel incredibly guilty, and the more I think about this, it makes me upset. And the name calling, what the heck? How was I being hypocritical. HA..he probably doesn't even know the definition of that word.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 He told me he has no reason to quit, and his life is boring and some other crap. Cool. Then you have no reason to date him. Sounds to me like he has victim mentality. His life is boring (insinuating that he has no control over that), so he has to chew? Um, okay. What a winner.
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