FIREMAN Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 What do you make of this?? I've been with my GF for the past 4 years. I'm 38, she's 32. I've just noticed what "OUR" problem is...SEX... Every time we have sex or become very intimate, my GF withdraws (usually by the next morning) and suddenly becomes busy (with mundane things) and cuts off almost all communication with me, doesn't return calls for several days, etc. She comes up with excuses as to why she can't see me. it's like she tries to avoid me and makes tons of plans with her friends so she has an excuse not to see me. Usually 2 weeks later, she starts calling again and the cycle begins all over again. It's been like this the past 3 1/2 years, since things got more serious with us. we recently reunited after a 3 month break. For the past few weeks, things were getting good again. Lots of contact, more intimate, etc...We had a great night last Saturday, went to dinner, SHE talked of going away with me and invited me back to her house and we had sex... Then she basically disappeared again. Prior to that night, she was calling and texting regularly and stopping by to see me. If "I" don't initiate contact now, I don't hear from her for days!!! Even then, it appears if I call her it bothers her and if I'm lucky, I'll get a txt message that says she's "just busy". She'll make empty promises, like "I'll call you in 10 minutes", but then never does. She claims she's just in a mood.. Could she possibly "fall into a Low" in her hormones or something that makes her resent me after sex?? I DON'T GET IT!! What gives?? If I ask her about it, she gets mad, we fight and then don't talk and I wind up in the same spot I'm in now...WHY DON'T I GIVE UP??? Cause when things are good, They're GOOD! We have a lot in common and have fun together. I almost don't want to have sex with her, so as not to ruin the relationship when it's good...It's on my mind when we're having sex, because I KNOW what's going to happen the next 2 weeks or so... Any Ideas?
collegekid491 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Even crappy relationships have parts that are good. I don't think I have broken up with a girl because everything is always bad, otherwise I wouldn't have dated them in the first place My opinion would obviously be confront her in a gentle but firm way and not pull out until you get the answer. That being said most people back down because they are scared of the relationship breaking apart, but heck, if you break up over trying to solve a issue then you can't say you didn't try. P.S. She may be distant because she isn't being satisfied in bed, or maybe even because she's being nice so she can get her pleasure fill from you and then goes distant after her selfish needs are met. But regardless of what it is, can't fix it until she's open enough to let you, and seems like she's not to open to fixing it at the moment
lucy9216 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I agree, your gf needs to be comfortable enough to open up to you so the both of you can figure out this problem and try to work it out. It is really sad that you have been going through this for 3 1/2 years and do you really want to continue to go through it for another 3 1/2 years? Try to communicate to her how this makes you feel but of course in a gentle way, you don't want to come off as yelling or upset because in turn she will become very deffensive and not communicate with you at all and this will only create more problems. Good luck and I hope the two of you can figure this one out.
Author FIREMAN Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Thanks. Prob is that I need to be able to tlk to her. When she doesn't call me back and only sends a text message, it makes it more frustrating. In can't understand how she goes from being the perfect GF one day to lil or no communication 4 the next few weeks... As fas as satisfying in bed...sex is good, but could be better if she loosened up and had fun with it, and if I didn't always have it in the back of my head that I know she was going to avoid me the next 2 weeks... She seemed into it the other night, yet was tired. Nonetheless, at least we did it. Not tlking w\her is really starting to piss me off 2 the pt that I want to break it off again. She doesn't get that THIS is the prob. The solution is easy...Don't withdraw and we'll be fine. I feel used in a way. I called her ystrdy, got her VM n left a message. She txtd back she wnt to the beach w\her GF and would call when she got home last night...Never did
norajane Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 After 3 1/2 years, perhaps you need to face the fact that this is how she is and she's not going to change? You may need to decide whether you can accept that or if you need to move on. Since you've tried talking to her about it and that gets you nowhere, you may not be able to improve matters.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I think she's not that into you, the sex is not good for her, she's seeing someone else, and/or she has a significant emotional problem. Unfortunately, by this point, there's not much you can do to change any of these. If I were you, I would completely stop initiating plans and pursuing her. Get involved in your life beyond her. Right now, all the "come here" energy is coming from you, and the "leave me alone" energy is coming from her. Cat and mouse. Stop chasing, and maybe she'll stop running. If not, there's no point in wasting your time with her.
LittleGuyBigIssues Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This may be way out of line to ask, sorry if it is. Does she have any sexual problems or abuse in her history? You mentioned she could 'loosen up' a bit more during sex. That sounds like she seems uncomfortable during sex? Maybe something is blocking her from having fun while having sex and tends to haunt her for a long time afterwards? I would wait till she is feeling happy and open again and then approach her. - Ask her if you could have a talk with her because you are curious about something. - If she seems tense or uneasy during sex, tell her that you noticed it. - Tell her gently that you notice she pulls away from you after sex. - Finally, tell her you are concerned about it and would like to try figure it out with her. If you approach your girlfriend honestly and carefully, and show understanding and DONT make her feel she is doing something wrong, she should be able to openly talk to you about it without her raging at you. If there is no underlying reason and thats just the way she is, then its up to you to determine if you want that. Do you really want to only get intimate with a girl once every 2 weeks followed by 2 weeks of her avoiding you? If there is a reason, like mental trauma or something, then perhaps you two can talk about it, or find help. EDIT: one thing i would certainly mention is her habit of saying she would do something and then not doing it. Good luck.
Lucky_One Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I can't understand how you just noticed this after 3.5 years? You have a serious relationship with a woman who won't return calls or see you for two weeks, and then will start communicatiing with you again when she decides it is a good time for her. That just doesn't seem very intimate to me - sex or no sex. So I don't see it as sex not being satisfying or good - it's just that after she "gets hers", she doesn't need to be around you anymore. She just doesn't sound that into you.
aloneanddepressed Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Just from reading this, its hard to know why she might be doing this. Maybe its possible the entire time, she has been seeing others...has led you to believe you are in a committed relationship, but is mostly with you for the sex/intimacy? Is that not possible? It sounds like she isn't very committed in the relationship. She has sex, then doesn't call you or talk for days. Who does that??! She clearly must have some sort of emotional instability though. Also, maybe she is scared of getting hurt for some reason or another, so she becomes distance, especially after intimacy. The only other reason might be some sort of control issue. She can spend time with you, and be intimate, but afterwards she doesn't have any obligation in her mind to talk to you etc. She can talk to you and see you when she wants. In any way, something is really strange, especially after 3 years. What do you make of this?? I've been with my GF for the past 4 years. I'm 38, she's 32. I've just noticed what "OUR" problem is...SEX... Every time we have sex or become very intimate, my GF withdraws (usually by the next morning) and suddenly becomes busy (with mundane things) and cuts off almost all communication with me, doesn't return calls for several days, etc. She comes up with excuses as to why she can't see me. it's like she tries to avoid me and makes tons of plans with her friends so she has an excuse not to see me. Usually 2 weeks later, she starts calling again and the cycle begins all over again. It's been like this the past 3 1/2 years, since things got more serious with us. we recently reunited after a 3 month break. For the past few weeks, things were getting good again. Lots of contact, more intimate, etc...We had a great night last Saturday, went to dinner, SHE talked of going away with me and invited me back to her house and we had sex... Then she basically disappeared again. Prior to that night, she was calling and texting regularly and stopping by to see me. If "I" don't initiate contact now, I don't hear from her for days!!! Even then, it appears if I call her it bothers her and if I'm lucky, I'll get a txt message that says she's "just busy". She'll make empty promises, like "I'll call you in 10 minutes", but then never does. She claims she's just in a mood.. Could she possibly "fall into a Low" in her hormones or something that makes her resent me after sex?? I DON'T GET IT!! What gives?? If I ask her about it, she gets mad, we fight and then don't talk and I wind up in the same spot I'm in now...WHY DON'T I GIVE UP??? Cause when things are good, They're GOOD! We have a lot in common and have fun together. I almost don't want to have sex with her, so as not to ruin the relationship when it's good...It's on my mind when we're having sex, because I KNOW what's going to happen the next 2 weeks or so... Any Ideas?
sugarmomma Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I like Ruby's suggestion. It is not your problem to figure out what her "issue" is. Since she has pulled back you really have no other choice except to pull back also. It's not playing games, its protecting your heart from someone who is pulling your love strings. I would stop calling texting and initiating any activities with her. Also do not have sex with her. I know this will be difficult but you have to get to the bottom of this. YOU need to get her attention and I think this will be the only way to do it. You may have a chance at this point to address the problem because she is gonna want to know why you have changed.
Author FIREMAN Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Lucky One, during the past 3 1/2 yrs, she kept blaming different issues for the on-again-off-again attitude, i.e. new job, stress from family, family obligations, etc. It wasn't until after we reunited and had sex for the 1st time in months that I realized SEX is the issue here. All of the other excuses seemed legitimate in the past. Last Sat, she was excited to go out with me, even made a point to show me she was wearing jewelry I got her 2 yrs ago for our anniversary, etc. She was very intimate and caring all night. Once sex was over, she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed. She didn't ask me to stay over and I went home. Since then, she's withdrawn 90%! I've seen her once for a breif moment on Wed. and she's only returned 1 call since then. WEIRD, but I think sex is the issue. In the past, I asked if she was ever abused (as I had concerns this was the issue). She said no adamantly and was mad I said it.
GorillaTheater Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 In the past, I asked if she was ever abused (as I had concerns this was the issue). She said no adamantly and was mad I said it. Although it could have been the context or how you asked the question, this sort of reaction tells me that she was, in fact, sexually abused. That was my general impression when I read your initial post.
LittleGuyBigIssues Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I agree with the banana above me. It all depends on the context in which it was asked ofcourse, but if you showed concern and asked it gently she should not have reacted the way she did. Unless she is trying to completely suppress any notion of her being abused in the past. Dont take this as 100% proof ofcourse. But if having sex causes her to shut you out of her life for several days/weeks and she gets mad if you kindly asked if there was sexual abuse in her past then i get the impression that perhaps that is indeed the source of the problem.
aloneanddepressed Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, this thread is rather interesting. I'm really curious as to why she reacts this way, especially after dating for such a long period of time. One of my reasons, in which I had already stated was maybe she was scared of being hurt. It could be in the past guys have used her for sex, possibly left her after sex, and she has this fear of it happening again. She fears you may not talk to her again or see her again after sex, so she sort of does this to you. She waits to see if you try to contact her again. Just like if someone feared you would break up with them, you may go ahead and do this yourself because it won't hurt as much. She may have a hard time trusting your feelings for her. If that makes any sense.
Author FIREMAN Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 It's just odd and so obvious now that she ALMOST COMPLETELY blows me off after sex. Normally she returns my calls\texts within an hour (pre-sex)...e-mails too. Since sex, it takes days for her to get back to me, if call at all. Usually she answers by text to avoid talking. It hurts bad. Feel like the rug's been pulled out from under me. WE had such a great time that night. For whatever reason, she refuses to let her "guard" down with me long enough for the relationship to continue. We wind up back at square one again, trying to re-establish communication, emotions, romance and intimacy.
GorillaTheater Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This is a tough one. Even if I'm right, and past sexual abuse is the core of the problem here, that doesn't get you very far if she's unwilling to talk to you about it or is unwilling to seek counseling. And based on mylittle bit of experience, her unwillingness to do either isn't too unusual. Some things just seem like they hurt too badly to face. But that doesn't help you and your situation. The only advice I can offer is to try to sit down with her and gently and lovingly share with her what you've shared with us, and tell her that it's causing a significant strain in the relationship but that you want her help in working through the problem. If she won't do it, that doesn't leave you much in the way of options. Essentially you'd be down to living with things the way they are or bailing. In that event I'd take a hard look at what's best for you.
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