Husband cheated our whole marriage...

[LynnGragg]

Hello:

 

I've read through the forum a bit, and decided it felt safe enough to bring up my issue as it seems many are dealing with the same things.

 

A few weeks ago I found out my husband of three years has been physically and emotionally cheating on me the whole time we were together. Women have come out of the woodwork to "admit" their guilt, now that they know I've kicked him out of the house. Seems they are feeling pretty confident now. Some pretended to care for me and be my friends through this whole time.

 

I'm not only sad, disgusted, angry and flat out embarrassed - I'm also not able to say how I feel. Gossip amongst those around you isn't something I believe in, although I did spout off quite verbally in the beginning. Here, I figured ya'll don't know me.

 

I'm left feeling as if I was sold some sort of lemon by a used car salesman. I'm so beyond confused. He's an obvious serial lier, manipulator, sex addict - whatever it boils down to.

 

He's been out of the house for a few weeks. Here's the part I'm beyond confused about:

 

I actually agreed to work on this.

 

WHY?! That is what I'd ask and basically assume I'm some weak idiot for doing it. You see kicking someone out of my life and moving on like nothing happened is pretty easy for me to create - the challenging part is actually working on something. Maybe I'm doing this just to go through a lesson for myself. I don't know.

 

Everytime I want to scream how angry I am - how disrespected I am - how disgusted I am - I keep it to myself, because I despise feeling so weak.

 

This whole thing is twisted - I do love him. Does that really mean I'm destined to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't honor our marriage or be his word?

 

DOES MARRIAGE AFTER INFIDELITY (serial infidelity) EVER WORK? If so... why?

 

I already know the why nots. But if anyone has the why it works, please let me know.

 

And how do I possibly let go of this anger???

 

argh.... I'm so tired

 

Lynn

[KikiW]

My personal opinion is that if he has been unfaithful the ENTIRE TIME, I don't think that he will change. He apparently has found a thrill sleeping with not just one but several other women outside of his marriage. While he may genuinely feel bad that he hurt you, I don't think he's going to be able to stop himself from doing it again.

 

Yes, marriage after infidelity can be repaired, but it takes really hard work and commitment on both parts. What is he doing to prove he is willing to go the distance? Has he confessed completely to all his trysts? Will he give you his phone and access to all his email accounts in order to come clean? Have you informed him that if it comes to light that he hid ANYTHING that he will promptly be kicked from the house WITHOUT any further "chances"?

 

And, as one who is a naturally suspicious person, I would recommend that if you go forward with a good solid attempt to reconcile you get a keylogger for his computer.

 

But my feeling is this guy likes the thrill since he's been doing it the whole time. I wish you luck, whichever direction you go.

[BlackWhite]

You just let him back in based on....what? His promise? His words/lies?

 

What has changed? What would make him not do it 3 days from today, 3 weeks from today, 3 months from today, or 3 years from today. What kind of boundaries are you setting? What is he willing to do? Will he sign a post-nup giving you EVERYTHING if he cheats again?

 

How did he cheat? With whom? When? Anything set to prevent it from happening again EVER?

 

Are you going into this reconciliation blind to get yourself hurt again in 6 months?

[nothingissacred]

I'm not totally in a space to answer how to move past the anger. Or if things CAN work (I think that has a lot to do with the effort put forth by both parties and the situation) But I *think* I have an inkling why you would even offer to move past it. I offered. And wondered why I did, since i never thought I would, given the circumstances.

 

I preface this by saying I'm in the works of this myself. Therapist as well as a few friends have suggested that me trying to work it out, or be with him is because he is what is familiar. Familiar can be devasting, dysfunctional, and not especially good for you...but it is comforting *because* it is familiar. We had dreams and hopes with this person. And as humans, we like to be in that space of the familiar whatever that may be. That doesn't necessarily make it a good place for us, or make them good for us. Change takes a lot of work, and working through pain. It's riddled with fear. It's the hard path. It may be easier to stay in that horrible familiar place, because change is not comforting and doesn't have a a set outcome, it's scary. It's the unknown. But it *is* necessary. And it's hard to get yourself in the space to set about to CHANGE. Change what you want for YOUR life. It may take some time.

 

Hard concept for those that are in it. I know. I'm working on it every day.

[LynnGragg]

Kiwi:

 

Interesting questions regarding what is he doing.

 

1. I have full access to his phone records, he gave me the password as part of his - getting it all out there.

 

2. He has not moved back in, and will not until a few things have been completed - in the meantime, I am getting the keys to where he lives and his shop. As for the email and the suggestion of the Key thingy (computer thing), I will ask for that as well. He's been very up front - when I ask. He never sat down and explained everything - just left it to me to get it all and ask. Which, I've gotten enough I think - at this point, any more info doesn't matter. It's already too big to get my head around.

 

Thank you for the thoughts. It really helps hearing what others suggest. It may be that he's too used to it, and will continue. At this point, I'm just attempting to heal.

[LynnGragg]

Hi BlackWhite:

 

I didn't let him back in. There are plenty of boundries right now and one heck of a lot of work to do on a damaged marriage. Although, I don't know if I can call it that now. It was an alter reality for me obviously.

 

Counselling is in August, in the meantime we get to try to create a relationship based on - truth. It's gonna be tough for him, he's not used to it.

 

Not sure why I'm doing this - maybe to just say I did.

 

He cheating on people that he called "friends", or "work associates". Even the local Starbucks lady. I have not been there since ofcourse.

 

It's absolutely disgusting really.

 

So yes, I know not to let him back in - he gets to be with himself. Both of us get to decide on when we want. It's not just me making the decision. He gets to be truthful with himself as well.

 

Thanks!

[LynnGragg]

Hi Nothing ~ Thanks for the info, it's day to day here too. I'll probobly re-read what you've written in a day or so as well. It helps alot. Thank you.

[Athena]

 

DOES MARRIAGE AFTER INFIDELITY (serial infidelity) EVER WORK? If so... why?

 

I already know the why nots. But if anyone has the why it works, please let me know.

 

And how do I possibly let go of this anger???

 

Hi Lynn,

Anytime you feel the emotion Anger, you know there's been an injustice done to you.

Why would you be asking so soon how to let go of it? If not dealt with properly, the anger would soon be turned Inward, this means Depression -- for you, as opposed Anger for what your H has done.

 

Looking at your situation, the fact that your H has cheated so early on in the marriage indicates a problem with HIM, not possibly a problem with your marriage or relationship... this is the real issue: can he change who he is? Can he change his character? Most likely, not.

If he would be willing to change, he might pull it off, with a lot of motivation and professional help. So the question is, how much does he really want to change?

 

Cheaters like him can and sometimes do change, after they see 'for real' that the end of the marriage is facing them... that sometimes can act as a motivation for real change.

But change is Hard Work. What is your H like? Is he a charmer? Superficially getting what he wants, then turning back to his way?

 

It's hard to know for sure. But one thing you can believe, is that if you make it too easy for him to come back into your life and your heart, it will just be a matter of time before he is up to his old tricks.

So, he must face ugly consequences to his actions, he must work hard at changing himself, and must do without the other women that he obviously felt entitled to have.

 

What is your H like? Does he despise himself? Is he prone to rages? Does he confuse you by flip-floping on what he says within the same conversation? Is everything about HIS reality... does it matter more to him that he gets his own way, than about fairly working out a compromise? How has he been with you for your entire R? How long did you know him before you got married?

 

What does he say for himself now? Why did he do it?

 

I think you need to understand everything a little better before you make up your mind to accept him back...

[ForumFool]

I am very tired so this will be very direct. I am sorry for your pain anger and feelings of betrayal because of him and your so called friends. I pray you do not ...ever ....take him back..I hope in time you can be friends who do NOT live in the same house...Move on with your life this dude will pump anything that will spread her legs ...His history is frightening

 

Hugs to you..so far you sound like a smart and strong lady

[KikiW]

One thing Lynn -

 

the keylogger is something you DO NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW ABOUT. It is a program that is installed on his computer so that if he sets up another email account you don't know about (in order to maintain contact with another woman), the program will record information that you can retrieve later.

[SueBee3490]

Hi Lynn,

 

Your situation sounds like mine in that I was cheated on for 2 1/2 yrs and didn't know it. My bf and I were in a committed relationship when I found out after marrying him, that the whole time we dated, he was seeing other women. He even saw one 3 weeks before our wedding! I felt all the emotions you describe and even one emotion, embarrassment, that I don't see associated with affairs as much. I was so embarrassed to the point of not wanting to go anywhere with him because I was scared we'd see some woman he had been seeing and I'd feel so stupid.

 

I don't know what to tell you about if your marriage can survive. Like others have said, it would take alot of HARD WORK to save it. He's done so much damage, I don't know if you'd really want to save it. This isn't a ONS or a drunken bachelor party situation. This is 3 years of deceiving and lying to you!

 

I went to 4 counselors to try and help with the depression/anger. I now know it wasn't my fault but I still feel angry towards him for what he did. Maybe a counselor can help you.

 

Even though I can't prove my H had done anything since marrying me, he did enough damage to the relationship that I can't trust him and have chosen not to repair the marriage. I loved my H too, especially right after, even after finding out about the cheating. But after sifting through all the lying, etc., he did, the love seem to fade with the years. I knew I could never love him like a husband again even though he "seemed" sorry.

 

Sorry for your pain - I know it's the most difficult part of my life that I've had to deal with. You seem like a strong woman and will pull through this one way or another.

[hopesndreams]

Short term pain for long term gain. You have lots of strength in you to be able to fight for this man who has caused you so much hurt. It's better to use that strength elsewhere and be done with him. Some people never will change and you know, deep down, he's one of them.

 

I already know the why nots. But if anyone has the why it works, please let me know.

 

Anything is possible, but just be prepared for more of the same behaviors from him and stock up on Kleenex.

[Dexter Morgan]

I actually agreed to work on this.

 

WHY?! That is what I'd ask and basically assume I'm some weak idiot for doing it. You see kicking someone out of my life and moving on like nothing happened is pretty easy for me to create - the challenging part is actually working on something.

 

true, but what would you really be working towards? keeping a cheating dog of a husband? Even if he never cheats again, he HAS cheated your entire marrage. Which means he loves having sex with different women.

 

You think that is going to change? Sure, he may just decide that losing his family life isn't worth it any longer....but he will still desire to bone other women. If you can live knowing that is in his head, then do what you think is right for you. But don't kid yourself....what you would be working towards is keeping an unfaithful d!ckhead.

 

 

This whole thing is twisted - I do love him.

 

he betrays you over...and over....and over again. he likes having sex with other women, the more the better. he likes the variety.

 

What is to love about that?

 

 

Does that really mean I'm destined to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't honor our marriage or be his word?

 

if you stay with him, then the answer is yes.

 

 

DOES MARRIAGE AFTER INFIDELITY (serial infidelity) EVER WORK? If so... why?

 

depends on what you call "working". If it means that someone can vow never to cheat again, even though they'd really really like to...then yes, i suppose it can work.

 

But with a guy like your husband...I don't see anything as working because you'll always be shortchanging yourself by staying married to a dog like that.

 

And how do I possibly let go of this anger???

 

well you have to let it out for one thing. He needs to know how angry you are. he needs to know that you are ready to rip his balls off in his sleep.

[Teslacoil]

In my experience there are two types of cheaters:

 

- "One Time" cheaters who screw up, make a huge mistake and cheat. It eats them up inside to the point where they could never imagine ever cheating again. They're able to go on without cheating.

 

- "Serial" cheaters. They might feel bad about it, but sometimes they don't. Most of the time these cheaters REALLY only feel bad that they got caught. They will apologize until the ends of the earth sometimes to be forgiven, but then they'll go ahead and do it again when the opportunity presents itself. It might never happen again, but these cheaters are still mentally capable of cheating.

 

The problem you have is that you usually can't identify a "One Time" from a "Serial" cheater if you only have one instance of cheating.

 

Others here, will of course disagree with me over my categorizations. There's lots of opinions about this.

 

In my opinion, you have a serial cheater on your hands. I appreciate that you want to save your marriage, but I honestly believe that it's only a matter of time before he betrays you again. Let's hope I'm proven wrong if you really decide to take him back.