SimpleSam Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So, me and my lady planned this weekend to visit the Ann Arbor, Michigan art festival. It was going to be the first time that we spent a couple of nights together with my close friends. During the week leading up to it, she kept complaining about not wanting to stay the night in Ann Arbor. I just figured she was putting on a ruse. Little did I know....On Friday, I pick her up and she has a huge suitcase with her. Ann Arbor is may be 150 miles east of where we live. The ride there was fine and then we had dinner with my friend and his parents. As I'm driving to the apartment we're going to stay at, she tells me, out of the f*cking blue that she wants to go home. I can tell that she is having some sort of anxiety problem, and I try to talk her out of it. She had none of that. So, instead having her be a burden on me and my friends, I decide to take her all the way back home. We were only in Ann Arbor for may be two hours. On the ride back, I let her have it. I told her how embarrassing it was to drive all the way there, when she didn't even want to go. I couldn't understand why she was doing what she was doing. I mean, it took her forever to pack (her words). Then she tells me how it isn't me (which I don't really believe) and says how she didn't fell comfortable staying with me since she has only known me for a month. What the hell is this girls problem? I told her she just should have told me she didn't want to go. Its almost like she did this on purpose to test me or something. I talked to her yesterday, but at this point I don't even know if I want to go forward with this crap. I'll give her a little time I guess. May be I'm just unlovable or something. It always seems that the girls I have dated the last couple of years seemed threatened or something. What a terrible weekend.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 you should have pulled one of the battery cables and pretended the car wouldn't start for the trip back home.
Author SimpleSam Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Trust me, it did cross my mind. I just don't understand why this girl, who you have to remember, came after me. Its like she does this just so I will get rid of her. Its damn aggravating.
IcemanJB Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Trust me, it did cross my mind. I just don't understand why this girl, who you have to remember, came after me. Its like she does this just so I will get rid of her. Its damn aggravating. I think you're right - you should leave her be for awhile. Doesn't sound like it's worth the troubles.
D-Lish Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I can't really explain away this behaviour... It's pretty messed up. Did she have a panic attack or something? Does she have really bad anxiety? How has she been acting since then?
Author SimpleSam Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 After we had dinner, she gave no physical indication that she was having anxiety. She told me on the ride back, that she didn't feel comfortable at all. I just don't understand. She acts like she is super into me, then I try to be nice and take her to this art festival (she's really into this type of stuff) and pulls this nonsense. I wanted to break it off once she got out of my car, but I thought may be I was moving too fast. But she said nothing I did made her act like this. So who knows? I have a sinking suspicion that there may be another guy. She said there's not, but how many women say one thing and mean completely the opposite. Oh, and here's the kicker....she had an abortion last month so I wonder if that is taking its toll on her psychologically so who knows.
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Us women are crazy sometimes Personally, I would have told you BEFORE I made you drive all that way that I didn't want to go...but thats just me. Since you guys have only been together for a month, maybe she thinks the few nights together is moving too fast. The abortion thing...was that with you? I know that procedure does weigh a lot on the mind. Its not an easy thing to go through physically and emotionally. Give her some time. Her hormones and emotions are definately not in alignment after that sort of thing. Good luck!
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Since you guys have only been together for a month, maybe she thinks the few nights together is moving too fast.I had thought of that too, but it still doesn't explain why she flaked out at the worst possible time after having him drive all that way. It's probably one of those situations-all too common-where she actually expected you to know what she was thinking without her actually expressing it. The old standby, "You should just know these things" and whatnot spring to mind. Sure, it's very possible that her emotions and somewhat erratic because of her recent procedure, but all the same, you can't know what's going on in her mind without her telling you, especially when she tells you one thing one minute and then changes her mind after having you drive her 150 miles. Jeezuz... Might be a good lesson for you both, however, if you choose to stay together. Clearly, the communication between you two needs some work. If she's insistent on having you read her mind all the time, that doesn't bode well for the relationship (sorry to say).
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 To me it sounds like it is tied to the abortion.. If it has only been a month then her body still thinks it is pregnant and her hormones are still going crazy. If it were me I would speak with her about it and point blank ask her where you fit in things and how or if this abortion did affect this weekends activities.. Show compassion but don't be shat on either.. she has gone thru something that some women have difficulty placing and she needs the courtesy and respect of that... If you aren't getting what you need out of this realtionship or you feel that she will continue to act this way then it might be time to just part ways...
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If it were me I would speak with her about it and point blank ask her where you fit in things and how or if this abortion did affect this weekends activities.. I disagree... Asking her about the abortion is just going to rattle her emotions even more... If it is about the abortion, let her speak up... you can ask her why she acted the way she did and she might let ya know... but I dont suggest bringing up the abortion at all.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I disagree... Asking her about the abortion is just going to rattle her emotions even more... If it is about the abortion, let her speak up... you can ask her why she acted the way she did and she might let ya know... but I dont suggest bringing up the abortion at all. I disagree with my friend JUSTdaNCE. This must be addressed directly (and compassionately), and she is likely to be unwilling to open up about it without you (OP) taking the lead. Otherwise it's the elephant in the room and ignoring it will only exacerbate the problem.
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I disagree... Asking her about the abortion is just going to rattle her emotions even more... If it is about the abortion, let her speak up... you can ask her why she acted the way she did and she might let ya know... but I dont suggest bringing up the abortion at all. I would.. it seems like she has spoken to him about it as he knows about it.. so it isn't this huge unknown thing in their relationship already. I'm not saying that he blame the abortion.. I'm saying that he discuss what she is feeling right now and how it impacts their relationship. Open communication is the only way to get past this for either of them. His feelings and what happened this weekend should not just be thrown aside because she went thru an abortion either or it will be a source of resentment for him. Showing compassion isn't just ignoring the issue Just Dance.. in fact ignoring the problem might just make things worse and then they might just breakup or grow apart. JMO...
Author SimpleSam Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I think the abortion ways on her mind more than she lets on. When I was taking her back, she didn't really mention it, but said that it did affect her. Which is no brainer. My problem is that she says things that I have no clue how to respond. For example, she made a point of saying that normally she has no problem sleeping with a guy, that she is dating, fairly soon. I have stayed over at her house once, and we didn't have sex. Now, I have no problem waiting, however, when she tells me that I'm "different" I don't know what the hell to think? Plus, she claims that she has never waited this long to sleep with someone. I completely understand if she doesn't want to have sex right away. Especially after the last guy she was with didn't use protection and got her pregnant. But, it doesn't really make me feel any better. And now that she has pulled this stunt this weekend, I don't even know if I want to have any closure. How do you explain a situation where a female comes up to me, out of the blue, and wants my number. I take her on a couple of dates, we hang out together, and everything seems fine. Then I try to bring her on a nice weekend trip, and complete utter chaos ensues. And to top it all off, its really frustrating emotionally because I really like and respect her. But my patience is waining.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 For example, she made a point of saying that normally she has no problem sleeping with a guy, that she is dating, fairly soon. I have stayed over at her house once, and we didn't have sex. Now, I have no problem waiting, however, when she tells me that I'm "different" I don't know what the hell to think?This is vaguely reminiscent of another thread but I can't seem to find it at the moment. But to the point: She has no problem leaping into the sack with pretty much anyone but you? WTF is that? You're "different" because you're friend-zoned and she's not remotely interested in sleeping with you. She likely took your patience ("I have no problem waiting") for failing to take the lead, and because of that she lost respect and romantic interest in you. Voice of experience here. I've been in your shoes. It's no fun. I will never, ever do that again.
paddington bear Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I don't know, I haven't read the back-story on this, but.... "she kept complaining about not wanting to stay the night in Ann Arbor. I just figured she was putting on a ruse." She did actually tell you up-front that she didn't want to spend the night there before you left. We don't know the reason why she didn't want to go, just that she was uncomfortable with the idea. So instead of sticking to her guns, she then went against her instincts, probably to please you, and then when there felt uncomfortable and probably thought 'I knew I didn't want to spend the night here, why did I agree to this? I want to go home.' In your mind you had a nice trip planned and thought it would please her and now feel disappointed. At the end of the day, the question you need to ask her is 'why' she didn't want to go. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you, the abortion, maybe she feels uncomfortable staying in the houses of people she doesn't know, could be any number of things. Right now you're working on the assumption that it's because she doesn't want to have sex with you. Until you find out that that is the reason, you're acting under perhaps false assumptions. Ask her and let her tell you the reason, and then take it from there.
thegoodlife Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I don't know, I haven't read the back-story on this, but.... "she kept complaining about not wanting to stay the night in Ann Arbor. I just figured she was putting on a ruse." She did actually tell you up-front that she didn't want to spend the night there before you left. We don't know the reason why she didn't want to go, just that she was uncomfortable with the idea. So instead of sticking to her guns, she then went against her instincts, probably to please you, and then when there felt uncomfortable and probably thought 'I knew I didn't want to spend the night here, why did I agree to this? I want to go home.' In your mind you had a nice trip planned and thought it would please her and now feel disappointed. At the end of the day, the question you need to ask her is 'why' she didn't want to go. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you, the abortion, maybe she feels uncomfortable staying in the houses of people she doesn't know, could be any number of things. Right now you're working on the assumption that it's because she doesn't want to have sex with you. Until you find out that that is the reason, you're acting under perhaps false assumptions. Ask her and let her tell you the reason, and then take it from there. AGREED. Good post paddington
samspade Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So, me and my lady planned this weekend to visit the Ann Arbor, Michigan art festival. It was going to be the first time that we spent a couple of nights together with my close friends. During the week leading up to it, she kept complaining about not wanting to stay the night in Ann Arbor. I just figured she was putting on a ruse. Little did I know....On Friday, I pick her up and she has a huge suitcase with her. Ann Arbor is may be 150 miles east of where we live. The ride there was fine and then we had dinner with my friend and his parents. As I'm driving to the apartment we're going to stay at, she tells me, out of the f*cking blue that she wants to go home. I can tell that she is having some sort of anxiety problem, and I try to talk her out of it. She had none of that. So, instead having her be a burden on me and my friends, I decide to take her all the way back home. We were only in Ann Arbor for may be two hours. On the ride back, I let her have it. I told her how embarrassing it was to drive all the way there, when she didn't even want to go. I couldn't understand why she was doing what she was doing. I mean, it took her forever to pack (her words). Then she tells me how it isn't me (which I don't really believe) and says how she didn't fell comfortable staying with me since she has only known me for a month. What the hell is this girls problem? I told her she just should have told me she didn't want to go. Its almost like she did this on purpose to test me or something. I talked to her yesterday, but at this point I don't even know if I want to go forward with this crap. I'll give her a little time I guess. May be I'm just unlovable or something. It always seems that the girls I have dated the last couple of years seemed threatened or something. What a terrible weekend. You should have kicked her and her suitcase out of the car and let her find her own way home. And it doesn't matter "why" she didn't want to go there with you. The medium IS the message. She was communicating that she didn't want to go with you to Ann Arbor. You should have read the signals before you left, and gone alone. Don't waste your time trying to figure out "why," because it is irrelevant. When a woman WANTS to be with you, she'll go just about anywhere. And - an abortion? Do you know if it was yours or not? If she's having a psychological fallout from that, there is not much you can do to "save" her besides just being there. (Or not being there, depending.)
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