lorilynne Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 So it's been a while since I've been here. Dated someone for nearly three years. The whole time he cheated and lied & I always took him back bc I love him. In May he told me "something was missing" and I "not the one". I accepted it but begged him to leave me alone. He usually says this and after a couple of weeks, sings a different song. He swore he would this time. Two weeks later, he starts calling, texting, etc. I respond but generically. He starts asking if I'm seeing someone, tells me he was wrong because something feels missing when I'm gone, and here's the kicker: he had a dream that I was pregnant and we were happy planning for the baby which made he realize how much he missed me. I fell right back in. Fast forward to a week ago. I realize I'm late. Not for a doctor's appointment, but no period. I figured I'd wait to test this monday. He calls me saturday. We talk casually then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't know what he is to me. I said I didn't either. We go around this for a bit and goes right back to I'm not the one and he loves me but he's not in love with me. I'm embarassed bc I'm late and actually thought that the whole "dream" crap he said b4 was true. So I tell him. He freaks and keeps begging me to take a test. He's real impatient about it. I do. It's positive. I tell him and proceeds to tell me that two weeks ago he met someone and they're in love. He says she the one and he's never felt like this about anyone before. Wants me to terminate the pregnancy. I tell him I can't and he tells me he doesn't think he'll be a good father(he already has a 14 yr old). Starts telling me how bad he feels for her and how he doesn't want to tell her because they talked about spending the rest of their lives together this morning! I can't stop crying. I can't believe what I'm hearing. Can someone have a relationship for three yrs with someone, get them pregnant and then only worry about the impact it will have on the girl they met two weeks ago & they're in love with? What about me?
wow123 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 He is in love with someone he met two weeks ago and they are planning on spending the rest of their lives together? They don't even know eachother.
Author lorilynne Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 I know I'm confused. That's what I said he just keeps telling me crazier things have happened. He told me he's worried about what she'll tell her family, all kinds of stuff but not about me. He hasn't even met her family! He could care less that I have to tell my family I'm pregnant, he dumped me, and he's in love with someone else. Who does this?
moo Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Lorilynne, I am so sorry that happened to you. You are gonna feel lots of pain, of course, but somehow you have to keep your stress reaction down for the baby's sake, while at the same time, releasing the sadness and anger. It may be a balancing act you have to do. I suggest you tell your doctor that you are going thru a very stressful time and get some advice. Also, seek therapy. Also, there is a link in this forum called "Links of Laughter." That might help bring a smile to your face.
boogieboy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 You will have to accept that he is done with you, and he wants away from you. He is telling you these things to drive the point home that he doesnt want to be with you anymore. He might be lying about being in love with a new girl, but he clearly wants to be as far away from you as possible. He probably checked out of your relationship months ago, and he could be a crappy guy who was never in love with you. Dont have the baby just to spite him, thats no reason to bring a child into this world. Save your child bearing hips for a guy that is actually in love with you and wants to raise a family with you the right way. Please dont be a single mother on this creeps account.
Author lorilynne Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I wouldn't be having this baby to spite him. I can't in good conscience terminate a pregnancy. I foolishly believed when he said six weeks ago that his dream about us & how it made him miss me more meant that he would be okay with this. He lead me to believe that he wanted to be with me not just in actions but in words. He actually told me that he was wrong and I was the one. He asked me to marry him and told me that we should either get married or break up. I said that I thought we should successfully date first. Now six weeks later, he states he met someone two weeks ago & is in love & wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I get that we're over. I'd never want to be with someone like this & I'm not hanging on to him. I am however confused. I don't know how this happens and I can't believe that I allowed this to happen to me. I will happily bring this child into this world alone(though I know a single parent household isn't the best idea) but I can't end a life because it's not convienent to have this child or because it might mess up the relationship he started with someone two weeks ago. I refuse to base my decision on this insanity. I will make the choice that I can live with since he is just an impulsive ***hole that thinks only of himself.
Exit Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Stop saying things like you "allowed this" to happen to yourself. Don't beat yourself up because you chose to believe the person you love that they could change. Sure maybe you missed some red flags that should have warned you, but hey, we all do. You didn't "allow this", you weren't purposely trying to hurt yourself. I'm sorry for what you're going through. You sound like a much stronger person than I am.
Author lorilynne Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I'm not strong...i'm weak. I can't stop crying. my therapist can't see me until tomorrow. in the meantime, i just cry and i can't eat. this feels like hell. i don't understand why he felt the need to tell me every detail of this woman that he is so in love with. i know they couldn't have even spent that much time together because he was with me or working the majority of the last two weeks. i'm just devastated. can't find any other words. know i need to eat and get out of bed but i just can't. can someone be in love with one person and in two weeks decide someone else is the perfect person for them. he didn't even tell me about her until i said i was preghant. he told me if i keep the baby he's still gonna be with her. it was like he just needed to say that to try to convince me not to have it. he said he'll be a bad father and doesn't want this baby and will never be excited about it. i just can't stop crying.
moo Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Lorilynne, you have to eat. You can't stop eating because you are upset. Think about the baby. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your baby is going to be a welcomed bundle of joy. Concentrate on all the joy the baby will bring. If you can, go shopping for the baby, or just look at baby stuff, in the store or online. Look at the cute little stuffed animals that play music and the cute mobiles that go over the crib, baby clothes, baby toys, etc. etc.. Try to have fun with your pregnancy.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I don't mean to give you false hope, because I can tell you from an educated psychological viewpoint, this guy will wreck your life. You DON'T want to be back with him. But anyway, as I was saying... it's possible he just made this girl up, to avoid all responsibility, and to try to manipulate you into aborting the child. She may not even exist. She may, though. But I HATE when people say things like "im not strong, im weak". My God, this is pathetic. Get a grip for you or your childs sake. You can't have that ****ed up, pathetic, weak, loser attitude that you're weak not strong. It's just too feeble and such a cop out. Take responsibility, and get some strength. You have it in you. LITERALLY. Get your freaking strength up.
Author lorilynne Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I appreciate the honesty Thomas X. A little hard to take in like taking a huge pill but delivered the necessary medicine. I will take care of myself. I've eaten twice today and going to go for a walk in the park in a bit. He keeps texting & telling me how special this new woman is and how he is depressed that he is having a child with someone that he doesn't want to be with. We used to talk daily (multiple times a daily) since we last saw eachother on the 13th of July. But by the 18th after I tell him I'm pregnant he is head over heels in love with someone else. I've considered that he is making it up but why does he insist on driving the nail in deeper. I guess ultimately I don't want to think that someone I love could be sadistic enough to invent a person to try to manipulate me into terminating this pregnancy. And if she really does exist...I ask again, can you fall in love and decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone in that little time. He said she's a mom. Could a mom do this? I thought you took time to get to know someone and you were supposed to be careful when you have a child. I've told him repeatedly to leave me alone because I don't want to be stressed out but he keeps sending the messages. I turn my phone off but everytime I turn it back on there's a message or two. At first, he called 6 times in a row until I turned the phone off.
moo Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Do what you need to do to get through this pregnancy...change your sim card if it's a cell phone, or change your number, change your email, or change phones..whatever you have to do. The main thing is that you get through this pregnancy. After the child is born, you may have to have contact because he can turn around and say you are keeping his child from him. But for now, I would say do what you have to do to keep him away from you. If necessary, go to a lawyer or a free legal clinic (via a law school or human service program) to get some advice. You are stronger than you know.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 He keeps texting & telling me how special this new woman is and how he is depressed that he is having a child with someone that he doesn't want to be with. My God, where do you live? I'm going to grab this idiot and smash his head through a solid oak tree. This is so, SO absolutely wrong, and SO disgusting. Please tell me you're at least provoking him, by texting him. Please tell me he isn't just contacting YOU out of nowhere and saying this all on his own accord. I would seriously come to where you are, grab him by the back of his head, and break down a thick tree with his even thicker skull
Author lorilynne Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Well in the interest of continuing to get your great advice I'd like to tell you I'm provoking him, but I'm not(though vision of you slamming his head into an oak tree did make me smile a bit). He called me obsessively & I text I will text you the results from the dr but don't want to talk. He text me "answer the phone, I'm not going to fight with you". I said no and repeated I'd text him later. after I text him the results and due date and a request not to contact me again. I told him I'd text him on Friday after the sonogram he started in with how special "she" is and how depressed he is about having a baby with someone he doesn't want to be with. This went on about three more times, my response always "leave me alone. i don't need the stress. do not contact me again." I was a little sarcastic with the last one because I said "I hope our child can read better than his dad...LEAVE ME ALONE!". Haven't heard back.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 LOL! That last line was ownage. You telling him you hope the kid can read better than his dad. Seriously bad ass. That is so wrong what he said, and just a disgusting display of stupidity and idiocy that is on SUCH a pathetic level that it actually brings ALL of humanity down as a whole. Yep, you bagged an idiot so stupid he brings 6 billion other people down simply because they are of the same human race. What a lovely man
Author lorilynne Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 You should charge $ for this Thomas X. Your replies are poetic! Still nothing since the last response about his reading abilities. Maybe he's having difficulty sounding out some of the words (hee, hee). Going to go get some fresh air and talk with friends & hopefully not about him! Thank you all for helping me get out of bed!
Author lorilynne Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Here's a little update. No further contact since I told him to leave me alone yesterday and stated that I hope our child reads better than he does. Went to my therapist today and it was a good session. While I was there he sends me a 3 page text about how sorry he is and what a great dad he'll be. PSYCHO...You can't go from asking me to get an abortion to telling me you'll be a great dad. Says he wants to be involved in all the doctor appnts blah, blah, blah. When it's this guys weekend with his daughter(he has a 14 yr old), he tells people "I have the sh**head today". I still have a text message from him from a week ago saying "I hate kids" because he helped his friend move and their kids were there. If we go to dinner and baby cries, we have to leave! I deleted the text messages and didn't reply.
moo Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Lorilynne, KEEP every text, every email, every letter in which he talks about his distaste for kids. Print it out and store it away someplace safe. You might need this if he tried to fight you for custody or more visiting time with the child, etc. He probably won't, but you never know.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 You should charge $ for this Thomas X. Your replies are poetic! I'm just slightly evil, and know too much psychology. Your ex isn't just an idiot though, he is enemies with logic, reasoning, compassion, and simple empathy and sympathy. I am usually careful in using this because it's so difficult to truly diagnose, but I would actually for once wager that you are dealing with an actual narcissist. 'Tis a shame...
Author lorilynne Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Wow, you are good. Therapist told me the same thing a while back. I read up a bit on people like this. Also read up on sociopaths and pathological liars. It was pretty scary how many traits he had that were similar. Especially the empathy part. There's a book called the Sociopath Next Door, it's alarming how on-key it was with everything he does and says. What does this mean if he is and I have a child with him? Stupid question but does nurture win over nature? His daughter is a beautiful, sweet child...guess I answered my own question.
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 a lot of mental disorders contain a genetic component and most dont manifest til later in life. theres a lot of different theories on it though.some people think that its mainly genetics and some people believe that how you grow up directly effects most of that. i myself am a believer in the latter though i do think your genes have a direct effect upon it. i wouldnt worry to much about your child though because it sounds like he doesnt want anything to do with you or your child. i would though save his messages and other articles he says just in case he trys to pull custody or if you just want full custody.
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