shewantsout Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, he has choaked me within an inch of my life, attempted suicide twice thrown all my stuff down the hall of our old apartment building, called me whores and cunts and lazy ******* etc. About 4 months ago he began drinking and then going out smoking crack and cleaning out the bank account. Now when he is sober, he is a wonderful person, my best friend and soul mate, I guesss I have stayed so long because I love the Sober man, and I despise the drunken, and now drug abusing *** he becomes. I guess I put up with this stuff for so long because I have never experienced this kind of a relationship before and really thought that I was supporting someone with an illness, since he was the sober guy more than the drunk guy. Well now we live in a new state, he has not been able to find work and has become the drunk guy more than the sober guy, two more incidences when he ran through all the money in the bank account too many instances of smoking crack to mention and I have decided to end it. I told him that I am done and I do not want to be with him anymore, but he refuses to acknowledge that he is wrong in anyway (because he is never sober anymore) He is trying to hold my dogs hostage, will not leave (as he has no money and no place to go) I cannot afford to move and will not leave my dogs behind. So the situation is stressfull and overwhelming. Even if I just left, I cannot leave my job and I know him enough to know that he will stalk me and figure out where I am, then I will have no peace wondering if he is outside my house watching me etc. He is threatening to kill himself and I told him to go ahead, if he does it, that is his choice and not my fault, then he just cries and says he needs me and that he cannot believe I am leaving him while he is at his lowest point. I am so sick of this and can see my new life just over the horizon. A life where I do not have to feel like **** all day, every day, I can persue some of my interests that have all been put on hold because of his insecurities and rages (when I would do things he did not like he would get totally drunk and show his ***) I have also alienated all my friends because all my friends would be mortified if they knew what my life was really like, I also know that the quickest way to aileienate people is to complain constantly about a situation like this and then keep staying in it. Now I find myself almost hoping that he will kill himself so that I can be free of him, even though I know that it is terrible to think this and I know that if he did it would be devistating as I cannot say that I do not love this man, I just hate the life I have with him and want my life back. I wish he would just leave. I am at my witts end and really just wanted to vent I found this article online that says to just become emotionally boring and he may hopefully just get tired of investing and not getting a return. I live in a town that has very high unemployment and I have a good job working for the Government, I know I should just leave, but I cannot just leave the only security (my job) I have, I cannot leave my dogs, they are like my children. I just wish he would leave.
Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I feel for you and your situation. You need to go. He doesn't love himself if this is the lifestyle he chooses, and he's in no position to love anyone else. I understand why you tried to hang on at first, hoping that maybe he wouldn't wander farther down the wrong path, but it appears he is past the point of no return. Although he threatens to kill himself, you may actually save his life by forcing him to lose someone he cares about because of his crappy habits. Get out of there and encourage him to check into rehab. If he truly threatens to stalk you, get a restraining order, it's that simple. Then when he approaches you, he can get arrested and probably have a couple rocks in his pocket. You won't have to worry about him when he's in jail. You should be able to go somewhere nearby and not have to lose your job. It certainly is a bad time to walk away from a secure job. Is there any sort of women's shelter in your area? But it just struck me, if you have a decent, secure job, why couldn't you afford to move out? Find a cheap apartment, anything for the time being. I know you don't really want him to die, you are just saying that because you feel it's the only chance for a clean break. Do not let him guilt you into staying by saying you're leaving him at rock bottom. This is his problem and clearly up until now, having you there with him hasn't inspired him to clean up. Try to overcome the fears of the consequences and just GO as soon as you can.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 This is far more serious than any of us can give you advice for. This isn't just another situation. You need to consider contacting authorities. This is a situation that has the potential to be life threatening. We cannot help you with our words, you need far greater support, and from real life ends. Please weigh your options, and consider contacting the police. Hopefully he can be forced into getting help.
asuman Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 You need to come up with a plan to extricate yourself from this relationship without risk of injury or worse to yourself. Put your safety above all else. One last resort option to consider is domestic violence shelters. They maintain secrecy about their locations and can offer you a place to stay while you get your life in order, while preventing him from contacting you in any way. If you have dogs, see if you can find friends to temporarily adopt/babysit them for you while you go through this crisis situation. You are in a very serious crisis, so you need to count on your friends to help you in this small way (dog-sitting). Offer to pay for their dog food and other expenses, if you find someone to do it for you. Restraining orders are an option but just keep in mind that they are just pieces of paper. Before you rely on a legal document, you need to rely on your instincts and on your protecting yourself first before assuming the justice system will.
RedDevil66 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Find an Al Alnon meeting in your area and PLEASE GO. They can help you and will have people there that can assist you Your BF sounds like a total mess, I would not leave my job, home or my dogs for this person. You need to figure out a way to get him away from you for sure
moo Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hello Dear National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can just call and get some info. Make sure your boyfriend is no where around and if you have a cell phone, erase the number when you are done. Regarding your dogs, there may be some animal organizations in your area that can help you. Some members might be able to be a foster parent while you get yourself together.
Author shewantsout Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Update*** Last night my x-boyfriend tried to kill himself, because I will not take him back, I told him I do not want to be with him anymore, he got raging drunk again and tried to hang himself in my attic. I called Suicide prevention and they sent cops and an ambulance out to the house and took him to the Psych ward. I applied for an order of protection and have to go to court tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm. The hospital called me at 4 in the am to tell me that they believed that this man was a great danger to me and that he was raging out of control. I am calling an alarm company to put a security system on the house and I am buying a Stun Gun and Pepper Spray. I really hope that all this works out and that this idiot doesnt kill me. Thanks for all your comments.
moo Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Good Gosh! Thank goodness the police and the hospital are now involved and now the courts will be as well. Stay strong. Sorry you have to go thru so much. You are making good decisions for yourself. You deserve a pat on the back. Go You!
Thomas X Forever Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Ah, what a breath of fresh air from the average topic on this board. I hope people come into your topic, and see what an ACTUAL traumatic situation looks like, and stop playing the victim in their own topics. Frankly, myself included, 98% of people on this board have nothing on your situation. (No offense to you, I don't mean to make you feel even worse about your scenario. I also don't mean to belittle the seriousness of it). Thank God he's locked in a psych ward. Hopefully his padded room reminds him of fluffy clouds
Lostgurl Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 How horrible! I'm so glad you are ok and took action right away. Let us know how things work out for you and keep posting here, its a very supportive place.
MagicMan08 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 fwiw it is a lot easier to read large amounts of text if you break it up it sounds like you are in a tough spot, and you can't just leave....i feel for you
SweetyBear Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Good luck to you my dear. I hope he gets the help he needs to no longer be a danger to you. I'm glad you went right away to get the protective order and got the authorities involved. No matter how much help he gets, from reading about his behavior, there is no reason for you to be involved with him. I'm certain it will take him years to deal with his own issues and that would be if he really wanted to, which he doesn't sound like he does.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Call him and ask if he's straightened up his act, what with the help of the straight jacket and all
lorilynne Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Good one...about the straight jacket. Really if you rent talk to your landlord. I once had an issue with an ex and the apt complex let me move to a sister property because they didn't want drama on their property. I went to counseling and was told to make sure you don't put anything on your porch or patio that you had b4 because they will see it and can find you that way. For a while I was always on the phone with someone when walking from my car to my apartment or in parking lots. A protective order is just a piece of paper. I hate to say this but get a shotgun. You don't need a license to have one & really don't need very good aim. One shot and you'll hit anything in the vicinity of your aim. It's a good idea in case he breaks in in the middle of the night & you don't have your wits about you. You may want to stay with friends for a bit. I didn't because I was afraid of bringing my drama to their homes but depends on you. Good luck.
moo Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 shewantsout, what's up? Were you able to get your court order of protection? Is he still in the hospital?
Author shewantsout Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Hey Guys, I know I never came on here to tell everyone what happened. 5 days after my last post my boyfriend killed himself. I came back on here today to read what I wrote and to remind myself where I was at that time. A funny thing happened after he died, I began to diefy him and act like he was the greatest thing that ever was. I felt such guilt for not going to get him. They released him from the hospital and he was calling telling me that he was on medication and that he was not like he was before anymore, that they had told him he was Bi-polar and that they had medicated him and put him on anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressents and that he saw things clearly now and he just wanted a chance for us to have a life together when he was not sick. I almost gave in and let him come back home, but I said no,that he would have to show me he changed not talk his way out of trouble like he had always done in the past. I know it is hard to explain to a person who has never lived with someone like this but, These people can be so manipulative, charming and they know how to talk a good talk. I never in a million years thought I would wind up in a relationship like this, not ever. I do not have low self esteem, I am not desperate, I am intellegent. They always portray battered, abused, whatever you want to call us..Women as something I could and can not really relate to. I held to my guns and kept saying no, then I just stopped answering my phone when he called. A mutual friend of ours called me and said that he had just gotten off the phone with my boyfriend and that he was talking about coming to the house and taking me and the dogs with him. That he had decided to end his life and that he was selfish and wanted to take me with him, because we belonged together and he loved me. That he knew I would be so devistated when he was gone that he would be doing me a favor by saving me from that pain and that the thought of another man ever touching me made him crazy so he was going to take me with him. That he loved our dogs to much for them to wind up in a dog shelter so he was going to kill them too. He called me to tell me that no matter what he said or did, not to go and pick him up, no matter what he said. He continued to leave messages crying, begging and saying anything he could to get me to come and get him. When I didnt respond, he drank a whole bottle of Vodka, told everyone who would listen that if he couldnt be with me and his Dogs that he didnt want to live anymore. Sometime after 630pm on Friday evening (the last time anyone saw him) he hung himself with his own belt at a construction site near a relatives house. They did not find him until the following Monday when crews showed up to the site to work. Needless to say, I was unable to view his body as he had been out in 97 degree weather for 3 days. His Mother and many other family members blamed me for his death and when the memorial was done, I was completely cut out of everything. Funny, none of them where around for all the years that I dealt with his illness and drunken rampages. People love to claim the dead, forgetting most time how they where never there for them when they where alive. So I have been terribly depressed for months, guilt ridden, even though I understand that it was not my fault, It is still a devistating end to a bad situation and it has left a horrible battle scar on my spirit. I lost my job, the one that was my one security at the time and seemed so important. I was just so out of it for so long that they really had no choice but to let me go. I have since gotten into grief counceling sessions and have joined a survivors of suicide group that helps tremendously. I always thought of myself as an understanding person, I now know that there are some things that you cannot understand if you have not experienced them. I would not wish this understanding on anyone, and have found comfort speaking to others who have lost someone to suicide. Luckily I have been recieving unemployment and I rented a room out in my house which covers my expenses. I wanted to let you all know the outcome and tell any women out there who find themselves in a situation like mine to please, please look at the signs in the begining, before you get knee deep in a situation like this and know that you cannot change anyone, only a persons own desire can change them and their situation. Do not sacrifice your life to a person who is incapable of honoring you as a human being. My grandmother once told me. "When you dance with the devil, you don't change the devil, the devil changes you." I know just what she means now. Too bad that we have to suffer so much before we learn the lesson. I know that I could have very easily lost my life, that if my boyfriend had found one person to bring him to my house, this story could have ended much worse than it did, with him not only killing himself, but killing me and my dogs as well. I hope that by sharing this story here, that someone somewhere will be helped. Please feel free to contact me if you are in a situation or just need someone to talk to. Take care you guys and thank you for giving me a place to vent and share my story. It really did help me alot.
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