wow123 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 So the ex and I have begun talking and hanging out. She was really showing effort/enthusiasm and was the one that began talking about getting back together. Things were going very well as she was actually coming to me. Well I foolishly asked her if we were back together and she pulled back. So for those of you looking for a second chance...pressure is no good. It's tough to do but do not bring up getting back together at all ever...the dumper should be the one to do it as they may be reluctant to try again. Lesson Learned.
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Things were going very well as she was actually coming to me.All good, until this:Well I foolishly asked her if we were back together and she pulled back.Yes, it was foolish but entirely understandable. During the first bit, you were doing the right thing and leading, and she was responding. But as soon as you asked her, that shifted the power balance completely and her pull-back is the result. It wasn't the pressure that did it, it was the power shift away from you. She likely took that as you abrogating your leadership role, suddenly she's not attracted as much anymore and she pulled back. And I'm not making this up, nor is it even remotely misogynistic. It's how we're wired and goes to the fundamentals of our evolutionary being. See Psychology Today: Why Women Want Their Man To Be A Caring Caveman From the article:The caring caveman is an activist for sure; an assertive, strong, take charge guys who can be caring, warm, affectionate yet retain his maleness... Being instrumental means men eagerly assert themselves on behalf of the relationship... The thing that is hardest for men to learn is that women are responsive to their actions.So, in short, by asking her if you were back together again, you lost your assertiveness and your strength and gave it to her. And she lost respect for you. Her pull-back is the result. Can you get it back? Sorry to say, but probably not.
CaliGuy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 The person who holds the most power in a relationship is the one who cares about it the least. When you started asking "where do we stand?" you essentially handed over all of your personal power. The article is great and this paragraph says it all about being a REAL man: In reality, a strong man is tolerant, flexible, generous, faithful, and competent without believing he's omnipotent, and more interested in being close than being worshipped. Women may fall and fall hard for a bad boy with a big ego, but are then devastated when that man is not protective and reliable, fun and funny, kind and accessible. Yet he needs to retain his wild side, which, when properly channeled, is rewarded by admiration, laughs and sex.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 The person who holds the most power in a relationship is the one who cares about it the least.+1. Quoted for truth. (CaliGuy, is that you racing the bike? Just curious...)
CaliGuy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 +1. Quoted for truth. (CaliGuy, is that you racing the bike? Just curious...) No. I don't race anymore and if I put my racing pic up, someone might recognize me. Well, probably not, but still.....
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