delajoonal Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 hi everyone... its another sunday...alone..ack:o i am not new to LS...but have not posted a new thread in a few months. long story short, dh and i are separated now...i have moved into my own apartment, been here about 3 or 4 weeks...seem to have been doing fine..the tears stopped, was keeping busy..etc... but now the past 4 days i can't move! literally...i can't stop crying and when i'm not crying i am soooooo angry at H. i know i should post more of my story..( maybe if you all are interested or have time, you can check my back posts?) i'm not sure why i am posting today..i don't know what i want anyone to do for me? i guess i am on the pitty pot lately..i am not sure..just SO darned depressed/angry/sad/humiltated....so many cruddy emotions i can't seem to get a hold of and buckle down and move on... does anyone else feel this way? ever? after 4 months of separation and 13 years of marriage ( H left me), how long does the grieving last? when does the lump in my throat go away, the pain in my gut..and the frickin' crying stop??? sorry...i'm sorry to be such a bummer today.. i guess i really just need to connect with someone here on LS that is feeling the same way:o thanks all so much for always being here;) have a great sunday...i am going to try to peel myself off this chair and maybe go to a movie or something????
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Sorry to read that you're having such a crappy day.does anyone else feel this way? ever?Sure. Happens all the time. after 4 months of separation and 13 years of marriage ( H left me), how long does the grieving last?It will come and go. You'll have good days and bad days. Today isn't a good day for you. Tomorrow will probably be better. when does the lump in my throat go away, the pain in my gut..and the frickin' crying stop???It's like going through detox. As you progress with your healing, days like today will become fewer and fewer. Trust in the process, because it will happen. sorry...i'm sorry to be such a bummer today.S'ok, you're entitled to feel cruddy once in a while. have a great sunday...i am going to try to peel myself off this chair and maybe go to a movie or something????All I can suggest is DON'T DON'T DON'T see the latest Transformers movie. Not because it might remind you of him. Just because it's a cruddy movie.
Author delajoonal Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Thaddeus... thank you thank you thank you for taking a moment to reply to my post today:) also for making me actually giggle...LOL..about the Transformers movie! i am not sure i really liked the first one either?
LakesideDream Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Deja, The pain may never to away. I promise you it dulls with time.
LisaUk Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Hi there, I'm 4 months in as well, my ex of 18 years left me. I backslide sometimes to, I think you just have to feel it, but I am assured by those that have been here before us that it will get better. Just grieve for the man you loved, let it out. Keep posting, we are here to listen and try and get through this together, you are not alone in your pain.
lupa Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I don't think the pain stops...it just gets less and less over time. Keep trucking, and come here whenever you need.
LisaUk Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Lupa, I have a friend who insists it does stop, she is glad he left her now, she is married with a beautiful daughter and says he did her a favor! They weren't married, but they were together 7 years. He didn't just walk, he did try to work things out first for 6 months, so her situation is a bit different. Anyway, she says now she actually hopes he is married and happy himself, that she has a fondness for him and still feels some love, as he was her first love, but in a very detached way. Hope that brings you some hope.
broken hearted Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I'm wondering if the pain ever stops as well! My husband walked out on me and our 2 year old son at the beginning of February. I was about 8 weeks pregnant when he left and 8 months now. I was getting used to him being gone but the pain was still extremely intense. I was beginning to handle the pain, the stress, the emotional ups and downs, and the feeling of abandonment better each day until I found out a week and a half ago that he was having an affair while he was gone. The pain I felt before was 1000X less than what I feel now. This new information opened up a whole new set up wounds that I am terrified will never heal. I am trying to take it day by day and I think that's all anyone can do at this point. The best piece of advice I have gotten is to mourn the man you love but to realize that the man you fell in love with is no longer here. The man I see now is simply someone who looks a hell of a lot like that man but he is NOT that man anymore. This is just something I am trying to accept. As desperately much as I want my husband back, I know this person who looks like him is not him. I don't know if he is coming back or if this is the person he has become. While walking such a lonely path, this forum has helped me realize that I am not alone! Thanks to everyone for always listening to me ramble about my pain! I haven't always done the best at listening to the advice but I have tried hard.
tojaz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hang in there broken, your doing a lot better then you think you are! I don't think the pain ever truly goes away, not entirely but it will lessen and dull with time and if you let it. Just go through the process and get support where you can find it. TOJAZ
Author delajoonal Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 first...broken..i am SO SORRY you had to find out about your H having an affair after he left...i know that pain too...and i SO KNOW exactly what you mean by the man you love is NOT really there anymore, that HE LOOKS Like your H but it is NOT him anymore..OMG! really that is what i said out loud when i read your post...no kidding:confused: i can't explain it ...i just connected with that statement... the only thing with my H, he as lost about 40 LBS..way too much, he didn't even need to lose weight..so he really doesn't even LOOK like my H anymore either..his voice is different, he can't look me in the face, let alone eye contact...and did i mention he never yelled our entire marriage and he only called me Sweetie... for the past year he began to yell, and then the past 4 months or so, i am "Shut up you stupid bi***" or "you idiot" or my favorite, " R U dense?"....really THESE are the reasons i believe i am crying so much lately...what the heck happened...everyone we know, is in total shock and disgust at the way he is treating me...as if I DID something wrong..when HE WAS the one who had the online emotional affair, and LEFT ME...LOL..but he talks to me like i have just done something so horrible...anyway, i am just baffled at the verbal abuse...its like some demon has taken over my sweet husband:( anyway... lisaUK and lupa...thank you so much too...ALL of your posts mean the world to me...especially today.tonight....i still can't snap out of this funk..and it's not even PMS... i did take my dog for a walk, went to the mall, out to eat, barely could choke down 3 bites...i came home and watched a The Game Plan with THE ROCK...it was so cute it made me cry more..lol my mother told me of an aquantance (sp?) that was married to her high school sweetheart, something like 28 years...he left her for OW...this was 10 years ago..my mom says this woman is still walking around in a very DEEP depression and still cries daily...OMG..right! 10 years...i have this horrific feeling THAT will be me! still crying in 10 years... and i am not sure if IT is ALL for HIM... i think it is all of life passing by and changing..... well...thank you again..each and everyone one of you..even the ones that stopped to read but couldn't find the words to post..i thank you for your time too:cool: my son came over to do his laundry..he is now asleep and snoring on the couch...lol..very comforting...so i guess some prayers were answered today..thank you all and thank you God:) gnite...
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hi, I read some of your posts on Lupas thread and just wanted to say that you come across as a lovely sweet minded women. You are not alone in the asking of WHY, we all do it, in your case it must be even more of a difficult and confusing situation as your H hasn't even tried to give you a reason. This is probably because he doesn't have one, more often than not this about them not you. Here is a link to a great website www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com I don't know how old your H is, but some of the behaviours you have described are consistent with midlife transition. In particular the verbal abuse and change in character. Perhaps you will find it helpful in making sense of things? Have a look, see if it applies to what is going on with your H. I'm glad your son came over, how old is he? It must be nice to have that, someone who loves you unconditionally at a time like this must be a great comfort for you. Do you still have your dog as well? Keep posting, we are listening.
giotto Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 visited that website, quite interesting and a very good read... I have signs of MLC, I think... but I didn't find any solution to the problem in it, just ways of coping with it...
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 visited that website, quite interesting and a very good read... I have signs of MLC, I think... but I didn't find any solution to the problem in it, just ways of coping with it... Hi Giotto, there are many online resources for coping with MLC or ML transition, depending on whether it has gone into crisis levels or not. Everyone goes through a midlife tranisition. (For orginal concept see Jung), whether it goes into crisis or not depends on how much you have to resolve from childhood or how much you accomodated. Any doctor can offer advice or an individual counsellor of therapist would be able to help. All midlife is, is intergrating parts of your own persona that you sepaerated in order to fit in with your parents and societies expectations of you. This can be difficult though if you had a particularly difficult childhood or had to accomodate your true self drastically. There is a way through it, we all have to do it in the end, so if you having difficulty coping think about seeking IC. It will make it much easier on you in the end!
giotto Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hi Giotto, there are many online resources for coping with MLC or ML transition, depending on whether it has gone into crisis levels or not. Everyone goes through a midlife tranisition. (For orginal concept see Jung), whether it goes into crisis or not depends on how much you have to resolve from childhood or how much you accomodated. Any doctor can offer advice or an individual counsellor of therapist would be able to help. All midlife is, is intergrating parts of your own persona that you sepaerated in order to fit in with your parents and societies expectations of you. This can be difficult though if you had a particularly difficult childhood or had to accomodate your true self drastically. There is a way through it, we all have to do it in the end, so if you having difficulty coping think about seeking IC. It will make it much easier on you in the end! cheers... been to IC in the past, but didn't help much (wrong time to focus on myself, I suppose), but it might be helpful in this phase of my life when my marital issues are now resolved, for better or for worse...
Angel78 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You posted on mine yest and I thought I'd post back. I only joined to get advice on my situation so I don't know about the whys or anything of your marriage. I am sorry you feel like this right now, but believe me I am feeling the same. Apparently every cloud has a silver lining..... not sure whether to believe or not right now. It's hard to face the future, especially when you can't really see any future through the tears. Do you have children? I'm sure we'll all get through this and hopefully look back in time and be a much stronger person for it all, it's just hard to face it. I've spent the last 2 weeks moping around the house in pj's, crying constantly, ans I'm hoping it will stop soon, however, if you feel like this weeks later i'm not sure theres much hope for me!! Do you feel any better today??
Author delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 hello all... i can't tell you what it means to me to come on LS today and see so many posts with so many kind words:) thank you all:) i sure hope you are well today? i myself have not cried yet..it is noon...so we shall see... lisaUK..thank you for that website, i am going to go check it out as soon as i finish this post:) you also asked a bit about me: i am 43, H is 39, my son is 22 years old...i was NOT married to my sons biological father, my H raised him as his own since he was 8 years old...funny...even thru this mess, H is still there for my son... my son had car issues at 3AM one day last week...and my H was right there for him..even tho he had to be to work the next day at 6AM... so...i do believe that there is good left in him somewhere..i don't think people can change that drastically over night like my H is trying to make me think he has...i am beginning to think IT is all a show for my sake...something about proving he is his own man etc etc.... thank you all again for always being here for me...you are amazing people...especially with the pain most of you are going thru right now..and to be here for other people in crisis is just amamzing to me! be back later today... i sure hope you ALL have a good day....at least no tears today????
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 at least no tears today????Maybe there will be, maybe there won't. Doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're healing. And that's all good.
Author delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 thank you thaddeus...for reminding me its OK to cry if i need too:) and to lisaUK..you sound like an amazing person... what an amazing bunch of people here on LS...hard to believe our 'better halves' have left us.....right?.... i don't get it...
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 hard to believe our 'better halves' have left us.....right?They're not "better halves," they were simply our partners for a time. ALL is in flux. NOTHING is permanent. That includes relationships. (Well, except maybe herpes... that's permanent.)
lupa Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 They're not "better halves," they were simply our partners for a time. ALL is in flux. NOTHING is permanent. That includes relationships. (Well, except maybe herpes... that's permanent.) Oh f*ck...now I have to worry about the possibility of STD's again. Thanks a freaking lot, thadd. Sheesh. *storms out of room*
Recommended Posts