lostwithafuture Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Hi everyone! Me and my girlfriend had planned a holiday together and 2 weeks before the holiday she just called me and said “everything is finished”. Her main reason was that she doesnt love me anymore (later she changed it to “I dont know"). After talking to her on the phone for a bit it turns out she has found someone else and wanted to break up with me so she could start this “new” relationship. Apparently this other guy makes her “happy”. Fair enough, I understand this has been a tough relationship because for the past year we havent seen each other much, I had to go away for a year to another country so we saw each other only every month and a half. She said that everything is so hard and I had been neglecting her, I agreed to everything (because what she was saying was true) and said just give me one final chance, she has refused to do that.... I had never felt as much pain.....she was my first love and I really loved her with all my heart.....but I fergot to show "love" for a bit and got punished. However she said lets meet up when u come back, which is in September, I agreed to that and said that if we meet up in September you need to promise me that you will not get together with this other guy during August. But she refused to promise this coz she says that if things dont work out between us in september then she will be left with nothing. I gave her some time to think about it and when I called her later I just gave her an deadline which is Saturday, either she picks me or the new guy. I am not sure this was the right decision but I thought it would get some sort of result. The main problem was that she does not want to let me go completely but keep me on the reserve bench (she says I mean a lot to her), so I thought I would ask for some advice because I dont really know what to do, I love her and I am feeling really really down. It looks like our 4 years will be over....but I would do anything to have her back. I look forward to your replies!
Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 First of all, a relationship is a two way street. It's way too easy when you get dumped to feel like "everything she said is right", and to beat yourself up over everything you did wrong, but it takes two to succeed and two to fail. The fact that you acknowledge what you did wrong and feel remorse for it proves that you are a caring individual, and maybe if she had made more of an effort to bring it to your attention, you could have fixed things sooner. Being away for a year probably strained the relationship and nobody is really to blame for that. It takes a tremendous amount of love to be far apart from each other and trust that you won't be going out and meeting other people. After 4 years she may just be lured by the excitement of seeing someone new. So again, it's not so much about what you did wrong, even if you had treated her better, if this guy came strolling into her life and she was attracted, she would still want him. Although when we're emotional we like to think we can wait for the one we love, you are right that you should not be "put on the bench" while she experiments with other people. Either she will go out with this guy and realize that she had something special with you, or she will move on and never come back. In either case, you should not be waiting for her. You can go out and meet other people too. I know it's easier said than done. But do not give her the satisfaction of "waiting". Giving her the ultimatum to decide by a certain date probably didn't win you any points, but at least you WILL have an answer, although I suspect it will not be a good answer. If she picks you, I'll be happy for you. No matter what, know that you are not alone. There are people on these forums grieving over the loss of 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, or 20 years. 4 years is certainly a lot to be upset about. But we are all learning tough lessons and trying to heal.
Author lostwithafuture Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 First of all, a relationship is a two way street. It's way too easy when you get dumped to feel like "everything she said is right", and to beat yourself up over everything you did wrong, but it takes two to succeed and two to fail. The fact that you acknowledge what you did wrong and feel remorse for it proves that you are a caring individual, and maybe if she had made more of an effort to bring it to your attention, you could have fixed things sooner. Being away for a year probably strained the relationship and nobody is really to blame for that. It takes a tremendous amount of love to be far apart from each other and trust that you won't be going out and meeting other people. After 4 years she may just be lured by the excitement of seeing someone new. So again, it's not so much about what you did wrong, even if you had treated her better, if this guy came strolling into her life and she was attracted, she would still want him. Although when we're emotional we like to think we can wait for the one we love, you are right that you should not be "put on the bench" while she experiments with other people. Either she will go out with this guy and realize that she had something special with you, or she will move on and never come back. In either case, you should not be waiting for her. You can go out and meet other people too. I know it's easier said than done. But do not give her the satisfaction of "waiting". Giving her the ultimatum to decide by a certain date probably didn't win you any points, but at least you WILL have an answer, although I suspect it will not be a good answer. If she picks you, I'll be happy for you. No matter what, know that you are not alone. There are people on these forums grieving over the loss of 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, or 20 years. 4 years is certainly a lot to be upset about. But we are all learning tough lessons and trying to heal. First of all many thanks for such a great reply, the thing is I love her like crazy and I know she loves me too. The problem is that the past year has been difficult but has made it mentally difficult however the love is still there. The reason I have gave her an ultimatum is because I did not want her to to with this guy and I felt that was my last option. I know she is very stressed at the moment and just looking for someone to keep her close, problem is I am not there to do this for her so this new guy came along and done a great job. For some reason I also think the answer will not be good, but me going crazy for her is also not good, so I thought it would be best to know. Either move on and forget her or she comes back to me and I try all my best to make her as happy as possible.
Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Oh yeah I forgot you mentioned that you are still gone, I thought the year apart was already over with, then yeah, I suspect she just wants someone who is there for her right now. Of course you don't want to see her with another guy, but you have to understand there is a certain beauty to the way that situation would work out. It would give her someone to compare you to. Maybe she'd go out with him for a few weeks and realize the feelings just aren't there. Or if she ends up staying with him, then you know she was never the one for you. Although it can be a painful thing to experience, in a way, it's a win/win situation. Whatever she decides, show her that you care by staying calm, and agreeing with her decision. She still wants to see you when you get back, which is a fairly good sign. If she wants to see someone else, let her do it. Don't let your mind start racing that they're having sex and getting married. They'll hang out a few times and maybe it will just make her miss you more.
Author lostwithafuture Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Oh yeah I forgot you mentioned that you are still gone, I thought the year apart was already over with, then yeah, I suspect she just wants someone who is there for her right now. Of course you don't want to see her with another guy, but you have to understand there is a certain beauty to the way that situation would work out. It would give her someone to compare you to. Maybe she'd go out with him for a few weeks and realize the feelings just aren't there. Or if she ends up staying with him, then you know she was never the one for you. Although it can be a painful thing to experience, in a way, it's a win/win situation. Whatever she decides, show her that you care by staying calm, and agreeing with her decision. She still wants to see you when you get back, which is a fairly good sign. If she wants to see someone else, let her do it. Don't let your mind start racing that they're having sex and getting married. They'll hang out a few times and maybe it will just make her miss you more. Thanks again for the response! Really appriciate it! Yes I am still gone but I saw her about 2 weeks ago and everything is great. August was supposed to be a holiday month for both of us (and then I wasnt going to be away anymore)....she waited a whole year for me to just give up now. I have made mistakes in the past, and I agree to that but I have never stopped loving her for one bit. The thing is she really cares for me still and wants me close and loves me. But for some reason I can not imagine her even being huged by another guy, it really destroys me just thinking about it. From what I understand she just wants to try something different as you said, she is scared from the fact that we have been together for so long when we are both only 21. Personally I love so much that I would not have a problem spending the rest of my life with her. But I guess she seems to have different plans.
adamt Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I always think once a woman has doubts it eats away inside her head and eventually they will break up with you and the feelings never come back. Thats what i think happened to me. Although she is not going out with anyone else she is wanting to get out there and just look after herself and trying to relive her younger days. You will try to analyse everything you have done wrong in the relationship, but more than likely no matter what you did wont have made any difference. Once they are leaving the relationship, nothign can be done. I would just try to move on and expect the worst. Keep yourself busy, do plenty of physical activities. DOnt be surprised if this other bloke has been floating around for a while
Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Some people are ready to settle down early and some people just get that nagging feeling that they'll be missing out on something if they don't go out and experience being with other people and other things. I understand how you feel that you were ready to spend your life with her, but you have to accept that you are both young and there is a ton of potential to meet someone better. Like adamt is saying, it does seem like many women have this "point of no return" that they get to in their mind, where even if they wanted to save the relationship, their mind keeps wandering and they can't change their mind. If she feels strange settling down at 21 years old and wants to go do other things, you can't really stop her. I know it hurts to think of her with someone else, on Friday night I had the pleasure (sarcasm) of seeing my ex holding hands with another guy in Facebook pictures. All you can really do is see what she has to say when this deadline you gave her approaches. I'm guessing it's next Saturday?
boogieboy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Shes gonna choose the new guy, Whatever love she had for you was gone while you were away. You can never leave a woman alone like that for that long. Let her go, and do not meet up with her when you get back. DOnt talk to her, let her miss you, let her try to win you back if she so chooses. Just dissappear. Dont answer her calls unless she leaves a message that she wants to try again. Thats your only chance.
Author lostwithafuture Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Thanks for advice everyone! Really appriciate it! Keep it coming please. I always think once a woman has doubts it eats away inside her head and eventually they will break up with you and the feelings never come back. Thats what i think happened to me. Although she is not going out with anyone else she is wanting to get out there and just look after herself and trying to relive her younger days. You will try to analyse everything you have done wrong in the relationship, but more than likely no matter what you did wont have made any difference. Once they are leaving the relationship, nothign can be done. I would just try to move on and expect the worst. Keep yourself busy, do plenty of physical activities. DOnt be surprised if this other bloke has been floating around for a while You have a point here! I should just let her go, the only thing that keeps me from totally letting her go is the fact that she does not want to let go of me when she gets with this new guy (And I love her with all my heart). I think the wants to make it easy for herself....leave me but have me there when she needs me. Some people are ready to settle down early and some people just get that nagging feeling that they'll be missing out on something if they don't go out and experience being with other people and other things. I understand how you feel that you were ready to spend your life with her, but you have to accept that you are both young and there is a ton of potential to meet someone better. Like adamt is saying, it does seem like many women have this "point of no return" that they get to in their mind, where even if they wanted to save the relationship, their mind keeps wandering and they can't change their mind. If she feels strange settling down at 21 years old and wants to go do other things, you can't really stop her. I know it hurts to think of her with someone else, on Friday night I had the pleasure (sarcasm) of seeing my ex holding hands with another guy in Facebook pictures. All you can really do is see what she has to say when this deadline you gave her approaches. I'm guessing it's next Saturday? Ture say, I think this is one of the main problems, she thinks of 4 years as a life time.... she wants somthing fresh, she thinks she is going to be the happiest girl in the world this way. Because I do not even want to think about her and someone else which is why I gave her an ultimatum, that way I will let go completely and I know I will feel hurt but I know she will as well. If I stay her friend she will have me to make things easy about us and this new guy to F**K. Please excuse the language. But am I right or wrong here? Shes gonna choose the new guy, Whatever love she had for you was gone while you were away. You can never leave a woman alone like that for that long. Let her go, and do not meet up with her when you get back. DOnt talk to her, let her miss you, let her try to win you back if she so chooses. Just dissappear. Dont answer her calls unless she leaves a message that she wants to try again. Thats your only chance. I think she is gonna choose the new guy too but I know leaving me will not make things a lot easier for her either. I am planning to leave her, if she picks this new guy I will hate her for it but I will not allow her to stay close to me so that she can get over me. I never forced her to stay in the relationship in the first place, I love her and wanted to her to stay, plus it was her final year at university so she was busy. I find it difficult to understand what this new guy can offer her which I can't, I mean I gave her everything I could or had. Let her go, watch her come crawling back. I can see this happening but I really will find it difficult (impossible) to accept her back if she goes for this other guy. The only thing that I believe will make her plan fail is that she is acting too quickly, she agreed to come on holiday with me 3 weeks ago (thats when we booked) so till then she had no plans with this guy. Maybe the new guy threatened her that if she goes on holiday with me, everything is finished!? Which is part of the reason I gave her an ultimatum so she would have to pick.
Exit Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Yes you are right, if she makes the wrong decision you need to disappear. You definitely don't want to stick around with a smile on your face, that will just make her feel good and help her get over you. She sounds similar to my ex, she must not have too much respect for any of her partners considering she isn't even taking a break between relationships. Sorry to say it but you sound like me when you keep saying "but I know she still loves me" and "it'll hurt her to leave me". It might not really be that difficult on her to leave. My ex had me so convinced that we have a strong love too, and after we broke up and she would hesitate to give me my things back, and she'd say it wasn't about another guy, I thought for sure something would work out. But it didn't, and eventually she did find someone.
Author lostwithafuture Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Yes you are right, if she makes the wrong decision you need to disappear. You definitely don't want to stick around with a smile on your face, that will just make her feel good and help her get over you. She sounds similar to my ex, she must not have too much respect for any of her partners considering she isn't even taking a break between relationships. Sorry to say it but you sound like me when you keep saying "but I know she still loves me" and "it'll hurt her to leave me". It might not really be that difficult on her to leave. My ex had me so convinced that we have a strong love too, and after we broke up and she would hesitate to give me my things back, and she'd say it wasn't about another guy, I thought for sure something would work out. But it didn't, and eventually she did find someone. Yes you probably have a good point in that case, she doesnt love me anymore and I dont actually think she cares about me at all. I just seem to make myself believe that there is still a chance. These type of girls seem to be really selfish! I am a bit stupid for not seeing that in the past, I remember she used to talk to her ex at times when we first got together......now I understand that she was only doing that to get over him. I remember she told me that before her previous boyfried she had someone else and before that she had 2 other boyfrieds in such a short time frame. I am guessing she would have left me long before but she had not found someone to get together with. I have come to understand this and want to hurt her somehow so she feels some sort of pain like I am right now!
Author lostwithafuture Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Still feeling down... it actually got much worse. I am not dealing with it very well. Not getting any sleep and not eating much at all. I have given her until Sat to decide but I was thinking, should I even bother calling on Sat? Or should I just start forgeting her if she doesnt call? I sent here a sms today from the internet just saying "congrats" coz it was her graduation, but I didnt write my name, but for some reason I think she will know who it was. Thanks!
adamt Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Still feeling down... it actually got much worse. I am not dealing with it very well. Not getting any sleep and not eating much at all. Thanks! I was in that situation for the first 2 weeks. It does get better as long as you dont try to contact your ex and work on yourself. I would start to move on now, not easy but fill up your time with stuff you like doing and seeing friends. get active to give your confidence a boost and to stop you focusing on her. If she calls you up then worry about then, but in the meantime dont wait on her and be selfish and look after yourself. At the begining you really do have to push to motivate yourself but gradually it gets easy. you learn to keep your emotions under control and at the bakc of your mind
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