ant0255 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I posted a thread a few days ago on the abuse board about my girlfriend and what she went through and I have a couple questions. Before I begin here is a brief synopsis: She was emotionally abused by her ex for the last 2 years of thier relationship. Everything was good with us until he started to use things like her dogs and the house they were leasing to control. It beat her down until she finally hit rock bottom. We had talked about it several times and we spoke about it again the other day. Basically she was finally opening up to me about how she was feeling. She said that she hit rock bottom and that, while it sucked it needed to happen. She called her ex and told him to take her off the lease of the house and that she does not need him. He got pissed off apparently, but she stood up for herself and did what she needed to do. We talked for a good hour maybe more about our relationship. I love her very much and she loves me as well, but she said she needs some time be herself and get her life together because she feels that it is unfair to me that I give 110% and she cannot because of her issues. As upsetting as it is to hear this, I know she has to do what she has to do. She still wants to hang out and we see eachother at the gym everyday, and we send the occaisonal text to each other. I want to give her time, but what can I do besides be there for her to help her. I'll be honest, I want to be withher , she said I can go out and if i meet another girl who is gonna give me what i deserve then thats fine. Honestly I dont want another girl, I've been in relationships before, been in love, but there is something about her, I cant explain it but its a great feeling. How should i go about handling this? So, please feel free to comment and provide any advice or info, for both us. Thanks
boogieboy Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 You will see her at the gym everyday, but you know you want to stay with her, so you have to stay away from her. Let her miss you. Dont keep being in her face and be unavailable to hang. Her situation sounds legit, but her reasoning sounds like the same lame excuses that all the dumpers give... Im really suspicious about what shes doing.
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 While I certainly admire her strength to get out of a very bad situation, I hasten to suggest that you are not her therapist. By all means, she's going to need support as she works through this process. But be sure what you're signing up for. These issues can take a long, long time to resolve. Are you willing to give her 100% when you're only going to be getting 20% to 30% back, with the very real possibility that she may not want to be with you when it's over? Again, her healing isn't going to happen overnight. It might take years.
lora22 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Thaddeus gave some really good advice. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over four years. I'm not sure what advice I can give you specifically, beyond what Thad said, because after I finally ended things for good with my ex, I saw a therapist. I did not put any guy (or girl for that matter) into the position of playing therapist, nor did I use a guy for any kind of emotional support through my experience. After that, I didn't WANT a guy to be in that kind of position. I wanted to be alone and focus on myself and getting myself together and fixing my own problems. I wanted to be in control of myself, and I wanted to be the only thing I needed - I wanted to be able to rely on MYSELF and be independent. I took an entire year to myself without dating anyone, hooking up with anyone, nothing. That's how long it took me to feel like I could be in a healthy and emotionally stable relationship. I know you said you love this girl and want to be with her, and want to be there for her - however, I think she needs to work independently on her issues with a therapist if possible, and not drag you or any other guy into the mix. JMO based on my experience. Good luck.
Author ant0255 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Thanks for the advice i appreciate it and i am in no means of trying to be a counselor to her. Im only here if she just needs to vent. She is doin her own thing and im gonna do mine. and I have experienced the 30% she has given when i give a 100%. It sucks, but like i said im here to encourage her and motivate her, i have no intention of telling her what she needs to do, its all on her. Thanks again.
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