jj33 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Now 3 yrs later I type the 'confession' that I dare not speak or let H know. I would love to have contact w/xMM, but he's a good guy, keeping up his end of the deal to keep marriage intact and strong. He's invisible man. I care about him and his family, so I just like to see what his 16-17 yo daughter's up to on social networking. I see she is not keeping her underage self private, but I'm glad to see all is cool. One day, she writes stuff in her blog that rings alarm bells to me (she even posted her telephone #). I can't contact her parents, because: #1 I will be breaking NC #2 I will appear as stalker. #3 I don't believe all kids really need full parental monitoring, nor that all teen problems can be solved by panicked parents. So I do stupid thing and send an email offering kid counseling by my friend who is a pro at teen counseling in the areas kid writes about. If she creeps out over my contact, reports a strange adult, she may close the one window into her distress. Really, I only want to hand off to my friend, who knows nothing of my past stupidities. Kid doesn't need to know about her Dad's A, but I gotta explain why I know what I do and why I'm alarmed. So I explain the following: I screwed up my chances to be friends w/her family because I was attracted to her Dad and mistakenly believed that his marriage was flawed. That her Dad, with Mom's support requested that I break contact etc. That's all. I explained I was the error-maker but that the consequences of the error don't automatically make me not care. Well, she did do the right thing and beefed up privacy of her stuff and talked to her Mom. Then Mom gets back to me and rattles off riot act. Nasty email in same tone as before, 3 years ago! I am NOT the bad guy. I pose no threat to what you all have now. Why does giving a Damn make things bad? It's not like I said "Say Hi to your Dad for me." I am not capable of just forgetting and not caring. Anyway, I've gone all NC. I hope this keeps the kid a bit more protected, but without causing damage. More selfishly, I hope it doesn't get back to my H. I fear the BS egos are still fragile. I know my H still feels like I'll do it again, but fact is, just 'cause I like and care about the xMM, doesn't mean I'm gonna dump my H. The whole "We don't need you to care. We have everything we need already" and "Your kind of care is not welcome" attitude is flawed and seems to come from a place of paranoia. We cannot live fearing an offer of a hand up when we trip. We're all bound to miss the good parts of what we had, before. That doesn't diminish what we have now! Geeze! Do any of us ever heal? This does serve as an example of what not to do, but I still believe we don't have to destroy ourselves because we make mistakes. Bunset when you first posted you conceded that this was not a great idea. What has caused you to go into defense mode? Is it the fact that you were heaped with criticism? Also what did you mean by "We're all bound to miss the good parts of what we had, before. That doesn't diminish what we have now!"
fooled once Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I feel her primary reactions should be about her daughter's immediate situation, not about protecting her 'territory'. And no, I would not feel threatened, because my husband is a fully functional adult and can make choices for himself. It is a shame that she should feel that my existence could warp her husband's desire to be true to his commitment. This is the fundamental flaw in the string of strong reactions to xOW/OM. I would have to be pretty flawed myself if xMM called me to say "hey, let's do that again" and I did. I'd hope my husband was aware that if I am not some ragdoll, easily manipulated by another. My goodness if that was true, I'd be worthless as a companion at all. he xMM was no svengali, nor do I delude myself that I have that kind of magical power. I wouldn't want someone like that. If the BS feels that the WS is that weak minded, how unpleasant it must be to live in a relationship like that. You don't get to decide what THE MOTHER's primary feel should be. Didn't you just post that others don't get to decide what you feel/do? That only YOU are responsible for you and not your H and his healing? Her daugher IS her territory. SHE IS THE MOTHER - not you. The second bolded part ~ are you kidding? Your existance DID cause issues and DID warp HER husband's commitment to her. I would would bet that IF the xMM called you and wanted to restart, you would. You stated in your first post that you still carry a torch for him and still love him. I would bet you woudl JUMP at the chance to start up again with him. I think the only reason the A ended was because he CHOSE to stay with his wife and not upset her anymore. (not what I am doing, but what I did - past tense. Not happening now, not intending to happen again, but I'd do it again if I had anymore NC-type associations that warranted raising an alarm) Her first response to me telling her I was concerned and that She should talk to her parents Was "who are you and what makes you think I can talk to them". My reply was to explain that I was an adult who had walked the road errors. I knew something about them as I was once a friend of her father but that I could not call the family directly, because of my errors. I repeated my concern and suggested she contact a counselor and secure her info. She followed up with, if you want me to trust you tell me exactly who you are and what kind of mistakes. I gave her the basics, as a concerned mother, myself. I laid it all on me. My misjudgment of her parent's marital situation. That I had expressed my attraction to her father and that they had stood together to request I no longer have contact. I said nothing about infidelity. I did, however, tell her that her Dad and I used to talk about our wonderful kids, accomplishments and worries, and that her Dad thought highly of her. I also made it clear that I would go away again as soon as I knew she had a counselor (or unsaid, that I saw signs of other rescue) I chose not to just send some random person to talk to her. That seemed sneaky and underhanded. As for viewing her pages, I already explained that she had written some cool stuff and I was happy to see had become such an interesting young woman. There's no more I can say about the oddness of my curiousity. I have no argument as to how bad it sounds, but it seemed serendipitous that she sent up warning signs of trouble. Her Mom has the choice of telling her that I am a stalker and nothing about the short A I had or the turmoil. the emails leave plenty of room for the girl to know I 'made a run at her Dad' and failed. This is a good example of what chaos can ensue from an A and how there are people out there who have good intentions that can and will backfire. I'm not trolling anyone's blog, facebook, myspace, twitter or anything. I don't do that, even for old friends/rivals. I make my page visits known! I am just stunned that instead of alerting your counselor friend to the page you 'accidently' stumbled across, you chose to insert YOURSELF into it. Your friend could have contacted the girl. And really - did the girl NEED contacting? Probably not; but you took this opportunity to JUMP back into their life. UNbookmark her site and stay off it. LEAVE THEM ALONE. NOW, the wife has to start all over with her healing because YOU chose to insert yourself. But then again, isn't that what you really wanted? To make sure the wife remembered you? Remembered what you did with her husband? And maybe stir a little bit of longing in HER husband? Heck, for all you know, they both had a laugh at you trying to get back in their lives? Maybe they both pity you because you haven't let go? WHO KNOWS? But don't condemn the WIFE for sending you an email telling you off -- she did the right thing, IMHO. And I agree - if all this was truly with the best of intentions, tell your husband.
stuckinoz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I feel sorry for this kid - Having you jump into her life without her asking for your "GUIDENCE"...AND as a "Mother Yourself"...You should know better than to cross that line. Also...What if she didn't know about her father's indiscretion? Is it YOUR place to tell their children what happened? Wow - You're something - Me thinks you should look into counseling yourself:confused:
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I wonder, are there any other teens on social networking sites that you have attempted to save, or offered the help of your therapist friend? You crossed the line in a large way, and your failure to see that speaks volumes. I do hope that your XMM's wife will see her way to alert your husband that you need serious help. As a good samaritan, I mean.
White Flower Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 In the first post, you said that you told the girl that you were attracted to her dad. Look it up. How is that helping the girl, her mom, or the MM? If you truly believe that you did nothing wrong, tell your husband, now. And let us know what he says. You are deluding yourself if you think that you can fix your marriage and still have feelingsd for the MM. I'm not going to judge you, but you need to look at what you are doing. OK, I have a problem with this. You know how much I respect you BoldJack so I ask honestly how you would advise people to work on their Ms. So often the WS still has feelings that they just can't overcome, yet can't or have decided not to be with the AP. I think most BS believe that in time the WS can overcome those feelings and develop new feelings for their spouse. Isn't this the dominating sentiment? If we still have feelings for an ex-partner, how can we move on to anyone? I ask even for myself. Bunset, Is there anyone else who knew this young teen who you could have sent to help? I also wonder if you shouldn't have just emailed a copy and pasted post from her myspace page to her parents from an anonymous email account. You could have said, 'I'm a friend who would like to remain anonymous...I'm concerned for your daughter.' Just a suggestion for the future.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 OK, I have a problem with this. You know how much I respect you BoldJack so I ask honestly how you would advise people to work on their Ms. So often the WS still has feelings that they just can't overcome, yet can't or have decided not to be with the AP. Seems like Bun isn't doing much to prevent or stop the feelings. By contacting xMM's daughter and also saying she still holds a torch for him, is NOT helping her marriage, let alone her own intimate feelings towards her husband.
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Been 3 years since I was OW/WS. I still carry a torch for OM, but want nothing more than for him to be happy. ***************** Now 3 yrs later I type the 'confession' that I dare not speak or let H know. I would love to have contact w/xMM, but he's a good guy, keeping up his end of the deal to keep marriage intact and strong. He's invisible man. From an earlier post of yours, back in 2006, you said (and I quote): Hopefully, if the A comes out (only 4 week A) (...) What I find disturbing is your affair was so short -- just one month, yet now, THREE years later you are still wanting to keep in contact with OM, and you figured out a way of injecting yourself into OM's life by this fiasco with telling his daughter who and what you were in her Dad's life... thus conveniently finding a way of reaching out and touching that 'invisible man'.... Why do you keep the torch burning for a man you only had a four week affair for, three years later... ?
fooled once Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 EXCELLENT question Athena..... Would love the answer to that question......
stuckinoz Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Excellent Question Athena - I too think that's very interesting - but it looks to me like bunny foo foo hopped away:bunny:
Gamine Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Been 3 years since I was OW/WS. I still carry a torch for OM, but want nothing more than for him to be happy. His D-Day sparked his W to call me and email me to demand NC. He painfully submitted to her request to save his family/marriage. I let mine continue into Hell. While mourning NC I confessed to my H. Found no sympathy (go figure ) My BS/H wanted to threaten and intimidate xMM, problem was xMM was already NC. So I took the anger and hatred due. Not well, I might add. Now 3 yrs later I type the 'confession' that I dare not speak or let H know. I would love to have contact w/xMM, but he's a good guy, keeping up his end of the deal to keep marriage intact and strong. He's invisible man. I care about him and his family, so I just like to see what his 16-17 yo daughter's up to on social networking. I see she is not keeping her underage self private, but I'm glad to see all is cool. One day, she writes stuff in her blog that rings alarm bells to me (she even posted her telephone #). I can't contact her parents, because: #1 I will be breaking NC #2 I will appear as stalker. #3 I don't believe all kids really need full parental monitoring, nor that all teen problems can be solved by panicked parents. So I do stupid thing and send an email offering kid counseling by my friend who is a pro at teen counseling in the areas kid writes about. If she creeps out over my contact, reports a strange adult, she may close the one window into her distress. Really, I only want to hand off to my friend, who knows nothing of my past stupidities. Kid doesn't need to know about her Dad's A, but I gotta explain why I know what I do and why I'm alarmed. So I explain the following: I screwed up my chances to be friends w/her family because I was attracted to her Dad and mistakenly believed that his marriage was flawed. That her Dad, with Mom's support requested that I break contact etc. That's all. I explained I was the error-maker but that the consequences of the error don't automatically make me not care. Well, she did do the right thing and beefed up privacy of her stuff and talked to her Mom. Then Mom gets back to me and rattles off riot act. Nasty email in same tone as before, 3 years ago! I am NOT the bad guy. I pose no threat to what you all have now. Why does giving a Damn make things bad? It's not like I said "Say Hi to your Dad for me." I am not capable of just forgetting and not caring. Anyway, I've gone all NC. I hope this keeps the kid a bit more protected, but without causing damage. More selfishly, I hope it doesn't get back to my H. I fear the BS egos are still fragile. I know my H still feels like I'll do it again, but fact is, just 'cause I like and care about the xMM, doesn't mean I'm gonna dump my H. The whole "We don't need you to care. We have everything we need already" and "Your kind of care is not welcome" attitude is flawed and seems to come from a place of paranoia. We cannot live fearing an offer of a hand up when we trip. We're all bound to miss the good parts of what we had, before. That doesn't diminish what we have now! Geeze! Do any of us ever heal? This does serve as an example of what not to do, but I still believe we don't have to destroy ourselves because we make mistakes. I'm surprised his wife hasn't given you a black eye. First, you insert yourself into the marriage becoming his alternate route for sex. Next, you try to forge emotional ties with someone who is married to another woman and who is the mother of his children. Now, you are budding into their lives giving parenting advice. This is sick, controlling and bordering on bunny boiling. To say that you 'care' and are interested in the lives of the children of your former sex partner is absurd. You are not a stakeholder in his life and the very notion that you are is disgusting. You don't give a flip about the daughter, you are obsessed with him and, by consequence, any and everything that revolves around him. I mean, really. It has been a few years and you are still carrying a torch? Seriously, someone needs to grow up here.
2sure Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Holy smokes.... This 4 week affair happened 3 years ago? Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water. She is there, lurking , lurking...watching your daughter. Throwing a flag here. This is not an OW/MM issue. This is something else altogether.
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Stay away from other folks' children. Especially after you've already disrespected their family via an affair. I haven't read all of the replies, but most seem to be in agreement that you crossed a BIG LINE and don't seem to see it. No one here is in any position to be contacting someone else's child on Facebook, MySpace or Twitter with fauz concern when they really are just trying to see if the family is happy and still together. BTW, this story reads like one on another board where the OW also gave the daughter her life history and was stalking the family via the daughter. The only thing that story left out was the fact that the BW reamed her (rightly) for contacting her daughter.
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