Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I find the bunny in the avatar quite fitting. Just needs a pot now...
Author bunset Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 In the first post, you said that you told the girl that you were attracted to her dad. Look it up. How is that helping the girl, her mom, or the MM? If you truly believe that you did nothing wrong, tell your husband, now. And let us know what he says. You are deluding yourself if you think that you can fix your marriage and still have feelingsd for the MM. I'm not going to judge you, but you need to look at what you are doing. (not what I am doing, but what I did - past tense. Not happening now, not intending to happen again, but I'd do it again if I had anymore NC-type associations that warranted raising an alarm) Her first response to me telling her I was concerned and that She should talk to her parents. Was "who are you and what makes you think I can talk to them". My reply was to explain that I was an adult who had walked the road errors. I knew something about them as I was once a friend of her father but that I could not call the family directly, because of my errors. I repeated my concern and suggested she contact a counselor and secure her info. She followed up with, if you want me to trust you tell me exactly who you are and what kind of mistakes. I gave her the basics, as a concerned mother, myself. I laid it all on me. My misjudgment of her parent's marital situation. That I had expressed my attraction to her father and that they had stood together to request I no longer have contact. I said nothing about infidelity. I did, however, tell her that her Dad and I used to talk about our wonderful kids, accomplishments and worries, and that her Dad thought highly of her. I also made it clear that I would go away again as soon as I knew she had a counselor (or unsaid, that I saw signs of other rescue) I chose not to just send some random person to talk to her. That seemed sneaky and underhanded. As for viewing her pages, I already explained that she had written some cool stuff and I was happy to see had become such an interesting young woman. There's no more I can say about the oddness of my curiousity. I have no argument as to how bad it sounds, but it seemed serendipitous that she sent up warning signs of trouble. Her Mom has the choice of telling her that I am a stalker and nothing about the short A I had or the turmoil. the emails leave plenty of room for the girl to know I 'made a run at her Dad' and failed. This is a good example of what chaos can ensue from an A and how there are people out there who have good intentions that can and will backfire. I'm not trolling anyone's blog, facebook, myspace, twitter or anything. I don't do that, even for old friends/rivals. I make my page visits known!
Author bunset Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Just needs a pot now... Damn, I hate it when I miss the meaning of a reference...
Author bunset Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 worse than that... sounds like some very narcissistic writing... check out post #13. Wow just wow. Please, I am a student of psychology and would like to know what aspects of the postings narcissistic. It possibly would provide good material to discuss with a counselor.
StarChick Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 The road to you-know-where is paved with good intentions, and if you try to contact the family again, I hope they slap a restraining order against you. I hope the girl didn't fully process exactly what you told her about your relationship with her father. If she did, just think of the confusion and pain you caused an innocent girl. Do you like doing things like that? Do you like reminding the family that you're still out there? Does that make you smile? Stop trying to justify it. There is no excuse for this contact. None.
Author bunset Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 And, some alcholics cannot BE around any booze, depending where they are in their sobriety. I am not responsible for other's sobriety and I do not want others to be responsible for mine - unless it is an expressed agreement between us.
boldjack Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Bunset, I was a serial cheater, I had numerous affairs with married women. NEVER, EVER, under any circumstances would I ever involve myself with the BS and children. You need to get proper IC for this obsessive behavior, for your own good All of your posts have been attempts to justify a horrible breach of NC. You should never, ever, even looked for the girl's pages, in the first place. You also need to be honest with your husband about this issue. Nobody can rebuild a broken marriage on deceit. I very much hope that you will seek help. I wish you the very best of luck.
awkward Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Just needs a pot now... Damn, I hate it when I miss the meaning of a reference... A pot to boil the bunny in.
Author bunset Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 So is there a special movie night for xBS to throw things at the screen and inversely a special movie night for OMM/OMW to cheer for the evildoer? I have 2 ex-anythings in my 30+ year adult life. I coudn't care less if every one of them walked in and said, "How you doin'?" They have no significance to how my family lives. They do happen to have some connection to my profession and industry, so it happens that I'm without work and I have to avoidat least 20% of possible opportunities because xMM has some serious involvement. I'm not changing industries because for a few weeks, 19 years ago I dated a guy who was M (unknowingly). I'm M now, he's not, I think. I do not understand how anyone can turn off the pleasant feelings and memories on has for another. I can redirect the urge to jump in bed to an urge to help a troubled teen. This is an unkind and unsupportive place for people who wish to share their 'what-not-to-do' stories.
boldjack Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I'm sorry you feel that way. I am only trying to help. You probably won't take my advice anyway, but that "good luck", still holds.
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This is an unkind and unsupportive place for people who wish to share their 'what-not-to-do' stories. I apologize for being 'unsupportive', but I didn't realize you were stressing the mistake part of the story, I guess I focused on the part where you said you do not regret contacting the xMM's D...(which I felt was overstepping boundaries most normal people would not).
StarChick Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 *smacks forehead* Look, I'm brand-spanking new here, but I've lurked for awhile. I've seen OW/OMs pour their hearts out here and I've seen people support them the best way they could through a forum. I've never been an OW and I hope I never have to deal with infidelity, but reading these stories on here has helped me see "the other side" of things. I feel better prepared if something like this comes up down the road. So, I thank you (and countless others) for that. The thing that is sticking in people's craws is the fact that you contacted an ex-lover's child in a really strange and unappealing way. If you fessed up to this as an unsavory aspect of the story, I think people would have more respect for your story. But, I'm a n00b, so what do I know?
Lyssa Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Bunset! [[[[[hugs]]]]] I'm sure if anyone read carefully, they'd know you were stating things "NOT to do!". Welcome back! (I've missed you )
Lucky_One Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This is one of the posts where you WISH someone who knows the bunnyboiling OP IRL would just inadvertently stumble across her post through an innocent Googling of "bunny avatars" and recognize her SIL's writing style and marital details and the picture of the family pet, and then inform her nieces and nephews that their Mommy is stalking her ex-lover's child and that Daddy need to be told at a family dinner tonight.
PhoenixRise Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Bunset Do you have children of your own? I can't imagine that you do because if you did, you would know that children pick up on what is going on with their parents pretty easily. If this child is 16-17 years old and your affair ended just 3 years ago do you seriously think this child had no inklng about the affair? Do you think a 13-14 year old girl is not going to notice that Mom and Dad are miserable, in pain, and at each other's throats? So now we have Bunset confirming that yes indeed dad did do something terrible to mom. Oh I know you said you didn't acutally "reveal" the affair. You just let her know you had the hots for her dad. But do you seriously think that a now 16-17 year old girl won't put the pieces together? AND now we have a 16-17 year old girl going to her mom to ask questions about this woman who contacted her on facebook who said she had a thing for dad. Now Mom gets to decide if she will tell the truth about the affair to her teenage daughter or lie. Bunset if you had truly wanted to protect this child there were any number of ways you could have alerted her parents to whatever danger you saw on her facebook- sent an email from a throw a way email account, sent a note to MM/W snail mail, etc. The absolute last thing you should have done is contact the girl yourself and reveal that you had a thing for her father. AND maybe if you were not still carrying a torch for MM you would have seen this clearly. The Mother/wife is absolutely justified in being furious with you. You put her in a terrible position of having to either explain things about the affair or lie to her teenage daughter. The fact that you are following her daughter's facebook entries is more than enough to let her know you are still carrying a torch for her husband. You need to seriously look at your motives here.
2sure Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Stay away from their kids. You took it upon yourself to insinuate to their child that you had some kind of inappropriate relationship with her father and that her parents put a stop to it. Just cant stay away can you? Whatever it takes. And to justify it, you see yourself as the caring hero protecting their daughter. As far as something of value to take to your counseling session, just print out your first post. Please.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 No wonder no one comes here anymore. 3 pages of condemnation. I hope you all feel better about yourselves now. GEL
Lucky_One Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Yeah - maybe I should have praised her in her dysfunction.
boldjack Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 So GEL, you think her actions were Ok? When will you ever understand that "support", doesn't mean "knee jerk", agreement? Bunset, I have given you my opinion,I don't condemn you as a person, just some of your past actions.
2sure Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I dont condemn anyone. For reasons of my own, I have neither that luxery or the inclination. But when kids are involved, thats a boundary that simply cannot be crossed. There is no justification for it.
MistyK Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Ending the A must have been a terrible loss for you. Your original question was do any of us ever heal? People seem to come here (I know I did) in a state of anguish, so posts here may give an unusually bad picture of the success rate of getting past all this. Your email to the daughter was inadvisable and I think you know that. So for more than your surface concern for the daughter, what else were you feeling? Was it to not feel so invisible anymore - some acknowledgment that you had a relationship with him when he and his W are trying to erase that it ever happened? Just a way to reach out from a distance? If you were truly in love with this OM, then he may never be completely gone from your heart. My worry is how much that is interfering with your M and the life you have now. What's going on in your M right now? I sense an emptiness from you...
stuckinoz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If this were to happen to one of my kids - by my XMM....I would come after him with a vengeance. Claw his eyes out & tell him....My children are of no concern to him. And truthfully - If I did that to his kids (even though he is divorced from their mother) He would MOST definitely tell me the same thing. You crossed the line here.
confusedinkansas Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I have 2 ex-anythings in my 30+ year adult life. I coudn't care less if every one of them walked in and said, "How you doin'?" I do not understand how anyone can turn off the pleasant feelings and memories on has for another. I can redirect the urge to jump in bed to an urge to help a troubled teen. This is an unkind and unsupportive place for people who wish to share their 'what-not-to-do' stories. Yes I will agree - AT TIMES this is an unkind & unsupportive place......... BUT - the bottom line is - the bolded sentances........HIM coming up to you & saying How You Doin'?....Completely a different thing that YOU contacting his child. (Very Bad Form) How is it that his children are YOUR concern? As for turning off pleasant feelings & memories....No, I don't believe that you can do that 100%. But it doesn't mean you redirect the urge - to his children. Wow. Not trying to bash you, but you should have thought about this before you contacted this child on facebook. I am on facebook as well & you don't by accident run across someone. I hope that you can let go of this OM....& not involve his children - soon. Personally - If I were their mother or father - I'd come after you in a heartbeat.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I had no way to contact her Mom directly. I had destroyed all that information. I believe the best way to have gotten her to talk with her parents was to explain that I had been an interloper in the past. I WAS the bad guy. I am not the same idiot as before. Again coming across the blog in the first place was a coincidence. Checking 2 or 3 more times was a voluntary act of interest, not a prelude to any other intended action. Yet again, you may think you're not the bad guy anymore, but how are the exMM and his wife to know that? I do not feel comfortable with a spouse whose ego is so fragile. If he feels he is not companion to someone who is in control of their own decisions and not an easy mark for manipulators, than that would mean he is not married to ME. But you MADE his ego fragile, you made him have doubts and mistrust. My random thoughts and fleeting curiousities about other people are NOT a statement of how I feel about my husband. My memories of happy events in my past have no bearing on how I see my husband nor the history and future we have together. This isn't 'other people' it's your exMM's daughter. I cannot control my husband's healing. I have no control over things that 'trigger' his insecurities. If I held him responsible for all the subtle words and actions that stir unpleasant memories in me, that would give him the 'power' to cause me pain and aguish at the slightest mistake. I control that and I choose to give him the same power to bring a joyful response within me when he does little things for me. No, you can't. But you can make it easier on him by cutting the exMM, his wife, his kids, any curosity you have about them OUT of your life. If it isn't a big deal, then TELL your husband what you've done. You can make it easier for him by showing him that you want NOTHING to do with the past of your affair. And, some alcholics cannot BE around any booze, depending where they are in their sobriety. I am not responsible for other's sobriety and I do not want others to be responsible for mine - unless it is an expressed agreement between us. Yet, you DO feel responsible for the exMM's daughter. Would you do the exact same thing for a perfect stranger, another young girl or boy online that you don't know, if you saw their blog too and got worried? No wonder no one comes here anymore. 3 pages of condemnation. I hope you all feel better about yourselves now. GEL So, just because you're an exOW, that means no matter what another OW or exOW does, you'll support and not tell her she was in the wrong at all? It blows me away that Bun cannot see ANY wrong doing in her actions. Unbelievable. And, she won't tell her husband about this. If she feels she did nothing wrong and would do it again, then she SHOULD tell him and be proud of her actions - Trying to save her exMM's daughter.. I also made it clear that I would go away again as soon as I knew she had a counselor (or unsaid, that I saw signs of other rescue) This is none of your business, to follow up and make sure his daughter gets help. Like it or not.
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