NoseOverTail Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Hi all, I am new to the forum but have spent many hours reading through everyone's posts before deciding to join myself. I'd like to share my story with you and hopefully get some input and advice. I met my husband in June 2007. We instantly had a strong connection and got along incredibly. I adored everything about him (that I knew), and he adored everything about me. Life was peachy. We got engaged in September 2007. Yup, only 3 months after we met. It was very soon but like I said, we felt an amazing connection. We got legally married at a courthouse in March 2008, for health insurance purposes. I have a pretty serious health condition (nothing fatal, thank goodness) but I needed insurance desperately. Only our parents came with to the courthouse and we kept it a secret from people we knew. Our big wedding (with friends and family) was October 2008. Ever since even before our courthouse wedding, we were having some problems. He has issues with anger management, we got into HUGE screaming arguments, even a couple of physical ones. To this day we cannot get into the car with one another without fighting. He picks on me and I pick on him. He has called me names numerous times, and in retaliation I call him names back. It just is NOT what I want in a marriage, not at all. I cry every day, to which I get made fun of and called a baby, a coward, a brat. I do admit I can get overly sensitive, but I am also a completely open book when it comes to telling him my feelings and emotions. Nothing is hidden, I feel honesty is the best policy- ALWAYS. He still tells me I over react, that my feelings are worthless, etc. etc. It sucks. I've brought up numerous times in the past that we should go to counseling. He said absolutely not. I've tried everything under the sun to improve this marriage. For a while I bit my tongue and just took the verbal lashings from him. I purposely sat silent, to see how far it would go. I only work part time (2 days a week) and he has a good career, so I'm mostly a housewife. I made sure to keep the place clean, to try to keep him happy. He's always just so crabby and mean. It's like a switch goes off in his brain, he turns into Jeckyll and Hyde. It's unreal. I feel like I am completely out of love with him now. I can't bring myself to think of him sexually, and I haven't for a long time. I've tried to force myself to give in and please him sexually in hopes of improving our marriage. A couple of times of doing that and I actually cried during intercourse. That isn't normal. I think I deeply resent him for multiple reasons. He doesn't like when I hang out with my friends. Lots of my friends work in bars and I can understand not wanting your wife to go out partying, which I have been guilty of. But after I realized how much it bothered him, I stopped. To this day, he still uses those times against me. He pouts and pitches a fit when I make plans with my friends alone, and tries to make me feel guilty. Ultimately, I end up canceling my plans most of the time, to try to help my marriage. Like I said, I've brought up the fact I want to get separated or divorced multiple times with him. I've said it while calm, I've said it while angry, I've said it while arguing, etc. He fully understands my feelings. I've told him that I don't think I'm in love with him anymore and that I don't think our marriage is healthy. Every time I say it he acts as if this is news to him, like I'd never brought it up before. It is ridiculous! So last night, after a huge fight during the day and me spending hours alone at my parents house, I told him this is the real deal. I want to be separated. He acted as if I pulled this out of nowhere! Telling me I'm a coward, asking where the he** did this come from, etc. When I came home, he acted as if nothing was wrong, trying to be all nice and sweet and give me a backrub. I told him to back off, that I was serious and I took off my wedding rings. This is the dilemma: my husband and I were planning on moving in with my parents in 7 days, to help them fix up their house to sell, and to pay off our massive debt (that he brought to the relationship but now has my name on half of it). Like I said, I only work 2 days a week and make very little money, so for this debt to be in my name is horrible. I told my husband he needs to find somewhere else to leave, hopefully within this week that we have to move, otherwise he can still move in with my parents and he needs to find a place within a month. I was hoping to use his salary to pay off this massive debt, but oh well. The hardest part of this all is that he won't take me seriously. He thinks I'm bluffing, and he acts like I'm just a quitter with our marriage. But in fact, I've tried everything I can think of (sans marriage counseling that he said NO to) to improve our situation. I'm sorry this is so long and all over the place. I'm sure I'm leaving some things out. My head is not really all there since I spent all last night and this morning crying. Does anyone have any wisdom or advice to share? This is so new to me. I really believe I got married way too soon. Thanks. Edited to add: We have no children but we do have 3 pets that I adore. We are 26 years old (me) and 28 years old (him).
tojaz Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 The best i can offer you right now is to insist on marriage counseling. Move to your parents solo and only allow him to follow if he consents to MC. Could prove a big wake up call for him. The sense I get from your post is that you both have a hard time considering and respecting each others feelings and needs in the marriage. I would start there on your end (without being a doormat) and see if he is willing to follow suit. Perhaps include him in some (not all) of your bar trips so he feels included. This is a two way street though, if he is not willing to accept what your telling him, not much can be done until he does. TOJAZ
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Your marriage has been so short and you two got married way too early. Honestly, this seems like a case of not really knowing eachother that well..Maybe it is time for a separation/divorce to happen, especially since he's so unwilling to seek counselling with you and work on his anger issues. If you stay, this WILL get worse and one day he could put you in the hospital - Or worse..If you know what I mean. You AREN'T quitting on the marriage. It isn't a marriage and hasn't been for that long. You two have an unhealthy dynamtic going on and it's only going to get worse. Sorry you're hurting.
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 This is exactly what happens when you rely on "feelings" and that indefinable "sense of connection." We blind ourselves to the larger truth. (For the record, I've done this too... PLENTY of times. But I'm still a work in progress, like we all are.) Both Tojaz and WWIU are right: Married too early without forethought. I wouldn't agree with WWIU about leaping headlong into separation/divorce proceedings yet though. The two of you have an unhealthy dynamic which tends to feed off one another. But this is fixable. A good marriage counsellor can assist you in working through some of these issues.
Author NoseOverTail Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks for the quick responses, I really do appreciate it. I agree we got married way too soon. I don't really know what we were thinking. I thought I knew him, but I so totally didn't. I've tried insisting on the marriage counseling but he flat out refused. That got me to thinking.. maybe I don't really want to be with him at all anyways, even if he did go to counseling. *Sigh* I feel foolish for jumping into this. Now I know I'm going to get grief from my family and friends for giving up early, I just know it. But this isn't about them, and I need to remember it's my life and I'm the one who has to live it. I just sent him a text message (I don't know where he is right now) telling him I think I need to move in with my parents, alone. He wrote back "I think it's a good idea too." What a relief. Although, I feel like a huge loser for moving in with my folks at 27, with a part time job and my husband's debt that I inherited. Gosh this is so overwhelming. Edited: Thaddeus, I replied before seeing your response. Do you think we should split up and live in different places? I'm not sure I can force him to go to counseling. Our current lease is up in a week so we don't really have the option of just staying here and trying to fix things together here.
runnergirl Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I'm sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the others- this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You mention many red flags including your husband trying to isolate you from your friends and the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. If you stay in this relationship, it is likely to get worse. You could try a separation and see what happens. I would encourage you to seek counseling alone even if he is not willing to go.
Author NoseOverTail Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Hi runnergirl, thank you for your input. I have been thinking about going to therapy alone. I used to go when I was a teenager and I think it could help me. I've sort of been putting off finding a therapist, I'm not sure why, I think I don't want to admit this is happening or something. But you're right, I should get on the ball with this.
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I don't really know what we were thinking. I thought I knew him, but I so totally didn't.Yes, you actually DO know what you were thinking. You were relying upon your feelings and this amorphous sense of "connection." It's very common. Like I said, I've done it too. As for the notion that you thought you knew him but really didn't, I imagine he's thinking exactly the same thing. This is not about who's at fault, it's just that neither of you went into this with your eyes fully opened. It's very common, happens all the time.You could try a separation and see what happens. I would encourage you to seek counseling alone even if he is not willing to go.FWIW, I concur. Good luck.
Author NoseOverTail Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Thank you. I know it's not about who's at fault, but our relationship is so combative that I tend to think that way now. It's a shame, and I don't enjoy it. I will look into counseling tomorrow. What a mess I've made of my life!
tojaz Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Thank you. I know it's not about who's at fault, but our relationship is so combative that I tend to think that way now. It's a shame, and I don't enjoy it. I will look into counseling tomorrow. What a mess I've made of my life! Don't look at it that way, regardless of what happens with your marriage, a better you will surface as a result. Wiser and more prepared for the world. It is a challenge for sure, but you will overcome and see it as a learning experience. TOJAZ
Author NoseOverTail Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Thanks for all the advice. My husband has found a friend with an extra room that he can move into while we're separated. I made us an appointment with a marriage counselor for next Saturday. I'm excited for the session and hope it will help, but I can't let myself get my hopes up about it. He finally agreed to go with me, which I couldn't believe. I'm starting to wonder if him living away from me will really help the situation. This is all so confusing and I don't know what is the "right" thing to do. The worst part is that he doesn't seem to be too upset by it, I'm the one who's been crying everyday and feeling all around depressed.
LisaUk Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 It's great that he has finally agreed to go to MC. Just make sure you choose one that works with the couple rather than focuses on the individual. Google Divorce Busting, the first chapter is avaliable free on the site and she talks a lot about choosing the right counsellor for MC. You are doing everything you can to try and work on your marriage, I hope that your H does the same and that the MC helps you to work past your issues.
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 The guys an @zzhat! Sorry but that's what he is! He's got issues, and until he can learn to deal with those issues? You shouldn't be with him. Just that plain and simple! BTW? I speaking this as though you were my daughter! I'm 52, and my SIL had some of the same issues, one of them being that he believe parenthood ended at conception! WRONG! I raised my daughter to dump a loser quick, fast, and in a hurry like! I raised her to be self supporting, independant and not dependent upon any man for anything! I raised my step-daughter to be the same way! They don't play! They don't put up with any man's crap! Both of them will put a man to the curb quick!
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