A story that made it easier for me to cope

[Scottdmw]

I recently had an insight that has helped me in letting go of my ex. I thought I would share it in case it could help anyone else.

 

It came from a novel that I read once a long time ago, “The Power that Preserves” which is the third book of a trilogy by Stephen R. Donaldson. I'm going to paraphrase part of the story. Bear with me here!

 

The novel is set in a fantasy world, similar to the Lord of the Rings. High Lord Mhoram is the leader responsible for protecting his land from an evil force. To help with this, he tries to summon Thomas Covenant from the “real” world into his world to help. The first two times Covenant comes, but the third time he resists. The summoning catches him at a moment where he is trying to save a little girl from a rattlesnake. Even though Mhoram tells him that he's the only one that can save their entire land, he doesn't want to come because he's also the only one that can save the little girl, and he's not even sure if the other world is real or a delusion.

 

Mhoram gives an impassioned plea for Covenant to come and help them, but is torn with conflict because he understands too that Covenant has this other duty in his own world. In the end, even though he believes it is going to mean the destruction of his land, he says “We will not be undone by such motives. Thomas Covenant, go in Peace.”

 

 

I recently found out that my ex is now engaged to someone else. It's been very difficult, even though I thought I was over her. But I started thinking about this event in the story, and it seemed like it changed something in my heart. I felt like if I could say to my ex “Go in Peace” in that same sense, releasing her to do as she thought best even though my heart was crying out that it was the wrong thing, it made everything different somehow. It's like giving her my blessing to leave and be happy.

 

There is an event here of her choosing, her deciding to go and be with this other man. For me, there is a world of difference between that event being torn from me out of clenched fingers, and “giving” that event to her as a gift of sorts. Rationally it's not like she is mine to control in any sense. But, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that it's natural to feel a sense of possessiveness about an ex, to feel like you do “own” them. When someone comes and “takes” them it's like someone stealing from you. But, no one can steal something from you if you give it to them freely. It's like the psychic energy is completely reversed when you are giving rather than trying to take.

 

So, lately when I've been feeling down about this, I try to think about the story and imagine saying to my ex “Go in Peace”.

 

Scott

[stablesong]

I like that, man! Definitely feeling the psychological reversal. Science Fiction/Fantasy metaphors are very helpful.

[Exit]

Ugh... I hope I am healed before I ever hear that my ex is getting engaged. I know that would destroy me.

 

Good story though. I already am trying to feel that way. I'm trying to let her go, let her make her own decisions, and accept that this new guy can have her, with her faults and all.

[bolase]

this is awesome. another way of saying it, that has been keeping me stable enough:

whatever you (the ex) want to do with (new girl), thats your party!