Wife likes to live like "friends" - no physical relationship

July 19, 2009

We've been married for 10 years with two kids (7 and 4). About a year ago, my wife stopped having any physical contact with me. She hasn't even let me kiss or touch her for more than 9 months now. Whenever I speak to her about this, she gets very uncomfortable. She just says that last year I didn't do my part of responsibility at home (paying bills, kids activities) because I was too busy traveling for work. She even said that she stopped having feelings for me at that time and doesnt know if the feelings will ever come back. Since last year, I have taken on lot more responsibilities at home - and even though I still travel for couple of days a week, I do most of the household chores now. Also, she has help at home, so she doesnt have to do much in terms of household work. She is so focused on her job working out at gym or being on facebook - she hardly spends any time with me. I still have feelings for her, but I feel angry at myself for letting her take me for granted for everything. I even threatened to walk out but she doesnt seem to care.

If we didnt have kids, I would have walked out by now because of the way she has treated me. However, I can't see myself living away from kids and I think she is taking me for granted because of this reason. Sorry about all this rambling but I really dont know what to do at this point. It is so hard for me to even think about being away from kids - I dont know how a divorce or separation would help my situation. Maybe someone here can help with with some ideas on what to do!!

July 19, 2009

I've said this before but it bears repeating: Assuming both parties are healthy, sex is the fundamental driver in a marriage.

I'd bet the proverbial farm that if your wife would be more open to the physical part of your relationship, you'd be far more likely to take on more responsibilities at home.

She is most definitely taking you for granted. She gets all the benefits of a marriage without having to maintain the physical aspect of it.

And she undoubtedly feels that you've taken her for granted as well, by working in a job that entailed so much traveling.

Thing is, she probably wanted it both ways (which is very common, by the way). She wants the financial security that you provide, but also wants you to be around the house more often to help her out. But those are mutually exclusive. If she wants the money you provide for the household, that, by necessity, will require you to be away from home at the office (or on the road, or whatever is required of your job).

From what I read, this is not unsalvageable but it's going to take work, communication and physical intimacy. I'd strongly suggest a good marriage counsellor.

July 19, 2009

Thanks Thaddeus. Whenever I bring up the topic of counselling , she just says that she doesnt feel comfortable with it. I think she just feels comfortable with the current situation and doesnt feel any changes or counselling are needed.

July 19, 2009

Yes, I get that. Of course she feels comfortable with the current situation. She gets all the benefits of marriage with no intimacy.

It's a turnabout on that old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Just so you know-and you probably already do-what you're experiencing is extremely common, especially when there are kids in the house of that age. Mom is worn out being a mom. The perpetual exhaustion, the constant badgering by the kids, managing the house and all the rest... Everyone needs a break from time to time.

How about taking her away for a romantic long weekend, just the two of you? Is that do-able? Some time to re-connect as husband and wife.

July 19, 2009

1. She just says that last year I didn't do my part of responsibility at home (paying bills, kids activities) because I was too busy traveling for work.

2. She even said that she stopped having feelings for me at that time and doesnt know if the feelings will ever come back.

3. She is so focused on her job working out at gym or being on facebook

4. Whenever I bring up the topic of counselling , she just says that she doesnt feel comfortable with it.

Classic, and I do mean classic behaviors for someone who is shopping for, if not already found, external validation in the form of an affair, or at the very least is ripe for one.

I would not do anything, nothing at all until you find out more. I would get a keylogger and start from there. When you start down this path, you cannot under any circumstances let the person know you are suspicious. If you do, they will merely take steps to hide it better.

First - keylogger. See what is being said to and from others. I wager you'll get a nasty surprise, but you cannot go forward until you find out for sure what is going on to drive these behaviors.

July 19, 2009

You could now be the greatest husband in the world. Do all the housework, take care of the kids all hours, shower her with money and gifts, take her on fabulous vacations. But, it will not be enough. Not now. She isn't as busy with work like you think she is. She is busy getting emotionally, and perhaps physically involved with another. Stop what you are doing, it's pointless at this time. If there is another man, nothing you do or say will make her the wife she once was. Find out the truth. Hire a private investigator, go through her belongings, and if you dare, ask her outright if she is cheating. She will of course deny this but it is a way for her to know you are onto her. Yes, she will hide it more but might crack under the pressure of her lies and deceit.

The marriage will only get worse as long as there is someone else. One day, you may wake up and she'll be gone. There would be no way to get her back then.

July 19, 2009

Your situation is very similar to mine. I have no intention of marrying again (if I were to become single again, for whatever reason), so I am not going to initiate a divorce or separation. I took the alternative and radical approach, one that is unpopular among the general population. She looked the other way, so there is silent acceptance. A 2 week vacation on my own did the trick. Now I have no physical interest in the wife and the family is intact. And no big bills from divorce lawyers or dividing the assets. I had posted a thread under the title 'Sex gone from marriage' for people's opinions.

July 19, 2009

We've been married for 10 years with two kids (7 and 4). About a year ago, my wife stopped having any physical contact with me. She hasn't even let me kiss or touch her for more than 9 months now. Whenever I speak to her about this, she gets very uncomfortable. She just says that last year I didn't do my part of responsibility at home (paying bills, kids activities) because I was too busy traveling for work. She even said that she stopped having feelings for me at that time and doesnt know if the feelings will ever come back. Since last year, I have taken on lot more responsibilities at home - and even though I still travel for couple of days a week, I do most of the household chores now. Also, she has help at home, so she doesnt have to do much in terms of household work. She is so focused on her job working out at gym or being on facebook - she hardly spends any time with me. I still have feelings for her, but I feel angry at myself for letting her take me for granted for everything. I even threatened to walk out but she doesnt seem to care.

If we didnt have kids, I would have walked out by now because of the way she has treated me. However, I can't see myself living away from kids and I think she is taking me for granted because of this reason. Sorry about all this rambling but I really dont know what to do at this point. It is so hard for me to even think about being away from kids - I dont know how a divorce or separation would help my situation. Maybe someone here can help with with some ideas on what to do!!

The gym, huh? That's a classic excuse to have an hour or two of sex with an affair partner. I am VERY sure she is cheating on you. Ever check her phone records, have her followed, etc.? Do you know whom she is talking to on facebook and every single of her friends there?

Does she go to the gym for a couple of hours too while you're traveling? Get yourself tested for STDs.

July 19, 2009

It is possible she might be having an affair. This thought has definitely crossed my mind a few times. I could probably get keyloggers/private investigators to really find out if that is true. However, I feel that at the end of day, this will not do much to improve my situation. If she is not having an affair, then I am still left with someone who doesnt have feelings for me. If she is emotionally or physically involved with someone, it still is probably because of the same core issue - that she doesnt have feelings for me any more. The real challenge I am having in this situation is whether I continue living in this environment, knowing that atleast I would be with my kids through out their childhood. Or do I leave her - which is going to be very difficult for me, because I know I wouldnt be able to live happily away from my kids.

I have tried romantic dinners, evenings outside - she seems to enjoy them. However she just likes to talk about whats going on in her work and not about our personal situation. and when we come back home from these evenings, she is back to being more like a room mate.

July 19, 2009

Frankly, I don't see whether she's having an affair or not as material.

She's already checked out of the marriage. And (depending on your jurisdiction) in divorce court it makes no difference who initiated an affair as to how the marriage is dissolved.

If she is having an affair, it's unlikely that she'll end it if/when her husband finds out because, like I said, she's already checked out of the marriage, and most divorce laws (again, depends where you live) don't take that into account anyway.

July 19, 2009

The real challenge I am having in this situation is whether I continue living in this environment, knowing that atleast I would be with my kids through out their childhood.

It may not be up to you. It will be up to her. If she gets further and further away from you, she will leave you, with or without the kids. There is a window of opportunity here, as in you are both under the same roof, and that is finding out what/who the enemy is and to either try to destroy it or walk away.

July 19, 2009

I dunno, knowing for sure whether there is an affair going on helps the BS to make decisions he/she probably wouldn't consider if there weren't an affair going on. Anger can motivate where hopelessness often doesn't.

It would be the difference between wavering with a long come/go process and chucking her firmly and squarely out on her ass, and being done with her.

July 19, 2009

Sounds like she has emotionally detached from you and the marriage, let resentments build up and ruin her intimiate feelings for you. And I also wonder if your wife is suffering abit from depression.

Offer to do marriage counselling with her.

July 19, 2009

Offer to do marriage counselling with her.

He tried. She refused.

Whenever I bring up the topic of counselling , she just says that she doesnt feel comfortable with it. I think she just feels comfortable with the current situation and doesnt feel any changes or counselling are needed.

July 19, 2009

Is she allowing you to date?

July 19, 2009

Whenever I speak to her about this, she gets very uncomfortable. She just says that last year I didn't do my part of responsibility at home (paying bills, kids activities) because I was too busy traveling for work.

Since I'm going to assume that she expects you to do your job of working and paying the bills, why don't you expect her to do her job of keeping the house in order ??? (My feelings would be the same if the roles were reversed and she was the breadwinner)

I wonder if you've set yourself up for this by playing a passive and placating role in the relationship from the beginning. She sounds like she's been getting away with a lot for a long time...

Mr. Lucky

July 19, 2009

Classic, and I do mean classic behaviors for someone who is shopping for, if not already found, external validation in the form of an affair, or at the very least is ripe for one.

I would not do anything, nothing at all until you find out more. I would get a keylogger and start from there. When you start down this path, you cannot under any circumstances let the person know you are suspicious. If you do, they will merely take steps to hide it better.

First - keylogger. See what is being said to and from others. I wager you'll get a nasty surprise, but you cannot go forward until you find out for sure what is going on to drive these behaviors.

Darn, you beat me to it. Anyway, yep it sounds like she's talking to someone alright, keyloggers a good idea at this point, thing is, make sure that it's a good one that's not traceable by adware removers or antivirus programs, that doesn't slow the computer down. There are ones that capture passwords, screenshots and what's typed and received.

July 19, 2009

If she is having an affair, make sure that you're not the one who leaves the family home. If she's cheating, she leaves, not you!

July 19, 2009

The easiest answer is she is having an affair..... Unfortunately if you read many of the posts with similar issues, there is no affair..... Women just slow down, sometimes detach or shut completely off.....

Investigate.... If no affair, you need to take the bull by the horns, get her to counseling IC and MC and if that does not work frankly figure out how to kick her out!!!!

July 20, 2009

The easiest answer is she is having an affair..... Unfortunately if you read many of the posts with similar issues, there is no affair..... Women just slow down, sometimes detach or shut completely off.....

Investigate.... If no affair, you need to take the bull by the horns, get her to counseling IC and MC and if that does not work frankly figure out how to kick her out!!!!

Agree, but the clues for an affair are many and stong.

Investigate, Investigate, Investigate.

1. Keylogger

2. Check cell phone records, calls/texts

3. GPS tracking on vehicles.

This is not "snooping" or "spying". You are fighting a war for your marriage. First, all's fair in love and war. Second, you cannot be successful in battle if you do not know your enemy.

Marital apathy is one thing, but another person invading you marriage is another. Both require intervention, but have different approaches and techinques.

July 20, 2009

For women, sex is often more about emotional than physical attraction. If she has emotional feelings for you she'll want sex - but as soon as she stops seeing you as a good husband, father and provider, her man and the love of her life, as soon as those emotional feelings stop then the sex will too. You're trying your best to re-ignite those feelings by helping around the house etc, but it clearly isn't working.

What you need to do is talk to her and find out exactly why she doesn't have feelings for you, what aspects of you she doesn't like, or what you're not doing that she needs. Counselling would help with this. You're not psychic, so how can you fix things when you don't even really know what she's feeling? If you can figure out why her feelings have changed and what you can do to make her see you in a more positive light, that's a big step forward. Of course there is the possibility that she's checked out of the marriage and is already having an affair, but rather than making such assumptions you should at least try to fix things before giving up and filing for divorce.

I imagine that things which might help are: spending more time with the kids, doing little romantic things for her, being more affectionate, taking her out for dinner or away for the weekend... anything which makes her see you as the kind of guy she wants to be with, because she clearly isn't feeling that at the moment.

July 20, 2009

If she goes to the gym to work out then the gym clothes should be a sweaty.

If they are not?

She getting some strange.

July 20, 2009

I'm going through similar torture and my feelings are similar to the poster and trying to find ways to limit and reverse the damage.

Did your wife come from a home where she did not have great or even good role models for parent hood? Was her father absent or did he abandon the home or was distant emotionally?

She may have unrealistic expectations of men.

July 20, 2009

For women, sex is often more about emotional than physical attraction. If she has emotional feelings for you she'll want sex - but as soon as she stops seeing you as a good husband, father and provider, her man and the love of her life, as soon as those emotional feelings stop then the sex will too. You're trying your best to re-ignite those feelings by helping around the house etc, but it clearly isn't working.

What you need to do is talk to her and find out exactly why she doesn't have feelings for you, what aspects of you she doesn't like, or what you're not doing that she needs. Counselling would help with this. You're not psychic, so how can you fix things when you don't even really know what she's feeling? If you can figure out why her feelings have changed and what you can do to make her see you in a more positive light, that's a big step forward. Of course there is the possibility that she's checked out of the marriage and is already having an affair, but rather than making such assumptions you should at least try to fix things before giving up and filing for divorce.

I imagine that things which might help are: spending more time with the kids, doing little romantic things for her, being more affectionate, taking her out for dinner or away for the weekend... anything which makes her see you as the kind of guy she wants to be with, because she clearly isn't feeling that at the moment.

all very well, and well said, but, from my experience, it's too late. When a relationship gets to this level of disconnection, it's almost impossible to rebuild anything. Options?

1) Stick it out until the children are old enough and then leave

2) Insist on MC

3) Trial separation

4) Open marriage

4) Divorce

I'm in a similar situation, and, after the failure of MC, I decided to stick out... my youngest is 8... good luck to you!

July 20, 2009

The old, help more around the house, be romantic, flowers, dinners out & weekends away...... just words 90% of the time.

You do that or continue trying to improve the marriage and then you will be accused of doing it for only sex... My wife calls that "the elephant in the" room.

As said simply find out whether there is an affair. If so make the appropriate plan/decision. If one or not, then you have to insist on counseling and changes. Accept blame for what is your fault and improve.

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Wife likes to live like "friends" - no physical relationship

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