First one

[Kliik]

Hiya,

 

I feel a bit weird asking for advice since I'm sure my issue's a bit immature.. But this was my first relationship and break-up, and I'm just having a hard time understanding what's going on with him and me. I hope I can get some insight and help with this, because I sure am hella confused at this point..

 

We were going out for 6-7 months, and we just kinda ended in a very ambiguous note.. at least that's how I feel like. I'm not entirely sure what's going on with him because he's no longer replying to my phone and email messages. I don't live far from him, but I feel like it'd be creepy or going too far if I went over to his place and confronted him there, or even just call him. His lack of replies is just eating me up because I can't stand not knowing. It's hard to explain without going back to how we started, so if you don't mind reading a long one, here goes..

 

From the beginning I was uneasy with this relationship because we hooked up when we were drunk at my own party. We just made out, and then the next day there seemed to be a mutual assumption between the two of us that this was the start of something. (I know, stupid and too fast.. we were pretty much first timers with this) He mentioned he's been wanting to be in a relationship and he was interested in having one with me, so I thought why not? I mean it was the first time I've ever had the chance to have a boyfriend so I was really excited by the idea. But at the same time, I had a bit of regret because of how we got together in the first place -- we didn't start out as friends, in fact we barely knew each other, so the comfort level and trust weren't entirely there. With this in my mind I think it definitely showed through while I was with him, but I didn't bring it up then because I really wanted to be in a relationship for once, just like he did. We were both just really lonely so this worked out.

 

And it wasn't as if we were 'incompatible'. We generally got along and had fun times. He was kind to me all the time and was always careful not to cross boundaries. I think in all my excitement and curiosity, I was the one who pushed this over the edge. I was the one who initiated to sleep with each other, though he was hesitant the first time. The first few times I tried to get intimate he was hesitant, saying he didn't want another useless relationship, since he's apparently had a string of shallow relationships before. I understood where he was coming from, but since I didn't have much of an emotional connection with the guy, I was more focused on the physical aspects of our relationship. I just wanted to hump like rabbits, simple as that -- he wanted something else, but eventually we found a balanced meeting of our 'needs'.

 

So I put aside the fact that we hooked up drunk and decided to make something substantial out of this relationship. We did the dating thing, got to know each other, and it was fun for maybe the first 2-3 months until winter came around. As I got to know him I learned that he was on meds for ADHD. He had complications with our university and he got kicked out, meaning he also lost his student insurance and reason to be able to keep taking the meds. While I was aware of the situation, I couldn't spend enough time with him due to school work.. so I wasn't able to see how he dealt with it entirely. I assumed it was a traumatizing one though because he almost completely changed, personality-wise, the next few months I've met up with him. He said his 'change' was probably withdrawal symptoms, and that long periods without prescription could lead to depression.

 

I started to notice how different our communication patterns were afterwards. It's as if we were rarely on the same page when talking. When he opened up to me about his mental and family problems, I think I couldn't provide him much comfort.. I didn't know what to do or say. I've never dealt with someone in this situation before, and I didn't know anything about the subject.. More communication problems continued as I've noticed.. We weren't getting each other's jokes, we could barely have a meaningful conversation -- hell, we couldn't have a conversation that lasted at least an hour, so we resorted to watching movies, having sex.. or having sex while watching movies. It eventually just felt like we lacked passion and understanding. But just to clarify, we've had good conversations before -- we managed to talk like friends and that's how I saw a lot of his good qualities. It's just that we eventually.. I guess to simplify.. had nothing else to talk about. I'm not entirely sure if it's the meds, his mental state or just that we weren't in-sync communication-wise to begin with, that lead to this odd turn in our relationship.

 

Because of his odd behaviour, he came off as pretty distant at times. I acted out in certain ways too because I wasn't getting the attention I wanted from him. Eventually I got tired of it and decided to email him a long message with my concerns, and even talked to him in person about it. In his reply to my email he mentioned that I was the one who seemed distant and unattached, because I didn't contact him enough or never seemed like I wanted to spend time with him. I found this odd because I sent him text messages like crazy since I missed him -- I couldn't spend much time because I had a busy schedule of extra-curriculars, but I thought about him almost all the time. When I weigh it down I asked him to hang out most of the time. He didn't try to contact me first on his own, I always had to do it first. When I think back to times that I may have seemed distant, I can think of when I was just upset, really wanted his attention (yeah I'm an odd one), or didn't know how to start a conversation with him.

 

I mean, I knew from the get-go that this relationship was not working out, but I somehow convinced myself that it was just a challenge that I could see through. But he seemed to have just given up on trying to make it work. He even told me that I might've been just staying with him because of his depression.. that I might've been staying because of guilt. He even sensed that I've been wanting to break up with him but never had the courage to say it. My question is.. if he's been having these thoughts for a while, how come he never brought them up to me earlier? I confronted him with my worries in hopes of opening our line of communication, but that seemed to make things worse. I think I may have said or done some things that were ill thought out so he might've been turned off. Even then, I would've appreciated if he was honest with me so I'd have known what he liked and what bothered him and I would've acted accordingly. I was just so upset because it seemed like he expected me to read his mind!

 

So I'll skip to what happened to us recently. I confronted him another time.. and that ended with us agreeing to just being friends. Or in other words, start getting to know each other again on a clean slate and see if that can lead to any improvements. However, one drunken party later, he confesses that he's been confused about his feelings for me. (Actually, he's been telling me this throughout the relationship -- that I make him 'confused') The rest of the party a friend of mine kinda kept him away so we don't run into each other, and later revealed to me that my ex was broken up about our relationship. I didn't know what to think at this point.. If he really cared, why isn't he talking to me about it? Why isn't he trying to do something on his own?

 

I actually do care about this guy and he said he felt the same way, but we had a mutual agreement that this romantic thing between us isn't working out. What's bothering me now is, I'm trying to make up with him so we can at least be on a good note with each other.. y'know, be friends. At the aforementioned drunken party, I may have done some things that might've upset him, so I messaged him the next day asking to talk so I can apologize and clear some things up. I sent a total of three messages and one email. No reply as of yet. I just miss him now and I only wish he could honestly tell me his side of the story and what I've done wrong so I can learn from it. I'm assuming he needs time to think about what to say, but he usually takes less than a week to respond. I'm worried that something might have happened.. but it's unlikely. It's just moreso that he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, but we've had a friendly relationship throughout and I always believed there was a good level of respect between us.. So it's upsetting me that he couldn't at least show me some care or respect to at least respond.. even one line is good enough. Even if he sends me an angry message, I'll be happy to just hear his true thoughts. I just think this whole ignoring me bit is unfair.. but at the same time, I fully admit to being a total insensitive girlfriend through most of it, and now I really wish I can just make it up to him. I understand if he's too disgusted or upset with me to talk anymore. I genuinely feel bad.. I just regret that I didn't realize the stupid things I was doing to have possibly upset him until now. I'm constantly hitting myself over the head about it..

 

How do I deal with this now? Should I gather some guts to visit his place or call him, or just give it up entirely? And if I do visit him.. what should I say? I'm really confused and I honestly just wanna see him again and apologize from the bottom of my heart, as cheesy as that sounds.

 

I'd appreciate all feedback, even any bluntly honest ones. Thanks.

[Exit]

Based on many of the things you said, I'm not even sure why you're trying to save this relationship. Maybe you'd just rather not face the pain of your first break up? It's going to happen some day.

 

But anyways, to cut to the chase about your questions, no, you should not go see him. 3 text messages and an email is more than enough. The ball is in his court. If anything, depending on how clear you've made it to him that you'd like to work this out, if you feel that he might not understand that, send 1 more text that you would like to hear back from him and then leave it alone.

 

It's unfortunate for a relationship to fail for such a reason like his personality changing because he can no longer get his medication. Nobody is really to blame if his change in behavior truly is a result of not being medicated.

 

I want to make sure and give you credit for the times you did write out your thoughts to him and tell him what you were feeling. Communication is so valuable, and you should have the comfort of knowing that you tried to open up the lines of communication. If he didn't make the same effort, then he is another one of these people who fail to communicate, the type of people I've been discussing in many other threads on these message boards.

 

But back to my original point, you say things like knowing this wasn't going to work out from the beginning, you say you didn't feel a strong emotional connection and instead just wanted to have sex, and that this entire relationship was based on both of you just being lonely. Are you sure this is worth fighting for? Wouldn't you rather find someone to share an emotional connection with?

 

I've been there before, in relationships that involve hanging out, watching TV, and having sex. And it can be satisfying at the time, but it's not enough to sustain a real relationship.

 

And I've also experienced moving too fast without being friends first, and that also is a huge downfall. I started dating my ex out of the blue, amazingly we ended up having a ton in common, but now that it's over and she's had no problem moving on from me, it's easy to see why.

 

He is probably taking some time to think about this, and I think you need to do the same. Ask yourself if it's really worth trying to patch this back together. It doesn't sound ideal in the first place.

[gavinus]

phew well you wrote a lot!!! Well in my opinion if you want to apologize to him then do it, but be aware of what your hidden agenda is, e.g. what you expect to get out of it. So make a decision and do it, no more texts etc,or maybe you could write everything down saying sorry etc and not send it just read it, I have tried that before and it made me feel better. In short are you saying sorry for him....or you? You seem like you have remorse and a conscience and as my therapist always says "Change comes with pain", no pain no change, good luck

[Kliik]

Thanks Exit and gavinus. It definitely makes sense to think that I've been trying to patch this up because of some motives -- I just can't handle being in post-break up mode and now that I think about it, the main reason why I feel like crap about this is because I miss the physical aspects of our relationship. Now, I'm just beating myself over in the head because I can't believe how I wasn't aware of the many mistakes I was doing. It just makes me think: 'I can't believe I did that!' I'm just sad that I lost the chance to at least apologize for mistakes on my part and prove that I've matured since then.

 

But now I've accepted that it's a lost cause so I'm gonna give another go with this dating deal. I really appreciate the advice! To the dating forums I go!