confusion on whether to try again for our relationship or move on

[rakez]

hey guys i really needed peoples opinion on my situation especially from those who have experienced so much. i have spoken to many people in my family and friends already about my break up and they have told me the usual of just move on, give her space, she is lost so let her find herself and if your meant to be together you will find each other again. BUT last night i spoke to a close friend of mine that told me to go all out and fight for her because i have nothing to lose.

 

o.k me and my girlfriend had been going out for almost 5 years and i am 21. i was first attracted to her when she was 12 and i was 14. when i saw her at this christian youth group valentines function where i was suppose to be seeing someone else but when i saw my girlfriend she blew me out of the water and i and my eyes on only her the whole night. from then on i knew i wanted to be with her. we stayed in close contact knowing we liked/loved each other for 2 years because i thought we were abit young and when i was 16 and she was 14 was when we officially started going out.

 

we had been in love for a long time already speaking on the phone/internet every night because i could hardly see her in the first few years ebcause of having to take the public transport to her house, family not know etc so we we were pretty much sneakign around. now her family was one problem that we couldn't be official to everyone. our friends and my family knew but hers didn't. she was scared to spring a boyfriend problem onto her parents and especially brother as they are very protective of her. this also has effected her social life as she jsut wouldn't go out at all so all she had was me. her brother hasa bad history and he travelled in the wrong direction which is another reason why my girlfriend didn't want me to meet the family.

 

so what we did was keep in contact when we could and as we got older and got our cars and drivers license she'd come to my house to chill at or come to my house and go out. This would be hide the family's back as she would tlel them she would be at school or at the library studying or with her friends at the shopping centre and this is pretty much how it always was untill we broke up about a week an a half ago.

 

the family knew my girlfriend had a boyfriend and they actually saw/met me a couple of times BUT i never had the chance to talk to them and say " hi guys i'm jills boyfriend jake, lets talk about it". so many times i've wanted to do this during our relationship but my girlfriend jsut didn't feel comfortable yet. Althoug hat the end of the year where the brother would be moving out of their house the parents sai that they would be finally ready to meet me as the brother and his troubles/attitude will be out of the way but don't know if it will be possible.

 

now the problems were that we use to fight about little things. sometimes when i'd be out with my friends she would want me to come home and talk to her or try and contact her alot. i use to talk to her on the phone for a few hours everyday on the week days when i didn't see her and on friday nights or saturdays when i went out with my friends i'd tell her taht i'd be goign out with my friends and sometimes she'd be o.k with it but other times she would say "i really wanna talk to you tonight" which would sometiems usualy end up with me goign home or even fighting with her about me wanting time out with friends. i always recommended for her to go out or come out with me but she never wanted to because of her family and maybe even because she jsut couldn't be bothered with the complications of coming home late and her parents/brother asking where she went and stuff like that.

 

we also fought about little things like slip ups in things we say about anything if we said something in a rude way or somewhat. we would just keep fighting till it escalated to a big thing and i know on my part i was wrong that i would sometimes raise my voice at her BUT it was only because i was so frustrated and it got to that point where we had been fighting for a while and just wanted to stop. she'd tell me not to raise my voice but sometimes i can't help it cause of the things she says but i promised i'd work on it.

 

so many times i've tried to sit her down and talk things out. i'd say "i'm tryign to work things out, can't we compromise, all i want from you is to understand me and love me". she would usually come up with a tired sound "o.k jake...".

 

so that was what was happenign in our relationship. besides that we were happy together, loved each other very much, enjoyed each others company, went out together, experienced our first things together and etc. we know everything about each other and we are very close. we have experienced being apart during the relationship (differenvt countries for 3 months) and we have worked through many problems with one reaason evident. that we loved each other. we grew up together and because we were in the same christian youth group and i met her in one of the valentines days functions i believe that we met under God's eyes.

 

when she broke up with me she felt distant a week before. she stopped calling me alot and i told her that she made me feel like she didint' care about me anymore and her response was just "oh o.k...i dunno what to say to you" "i don't know why you feel like that". so this got me worried and a few days later she broke up saying that she felt trapped, she wanted space, she wanted to be by herself for a while, she felt bored of doing the same things and the most hurting thing, she didn't want a boyfriend and she wasn't sure about me anymore. a few days past and i was ready to let her go and i spoke to her about it. the day after she rings me up on the phone and she is balling her eyes out saying i love you i can't live without you and if we could see each other on the day. i had no hesitation and i went to her and we spent time together and also got back together but at the end of the day i had a talk to her because she still felt abit distant and i wanted to know if it was what she really wanted. she said "oh....i'm really sorry...i don't think i should have seen you today...can we just go back to being not together?". i was heart broken again but i agreed and left it at that. in the past few days we have been contacting each other just asking what we are doing and seeing if we are o.k.

 

she still tells me that she loves me and some days she will say we should'nt be talking because we aren't together. 2 days ago she kept on calling me all the things she use to call me when we were together. yesterday she didn't even contact me at all so i contacted her and asked if everything is o.k and she said yes and she seemed very blunt.

 

now what i wanted to know..now with you guys reading a brief description of our relationship, would it be worth getting back with her? i love her so much and she still tells me that she does to or do you think i should just leave it the way it is. my friend told me that we had been together for so long but i never made the effort to go out of my way to WOW her and regain the excitement we once had for each other with love. my friend wants me to go all out, speak with her parents, to her brother, get something that is so romantic and special and that only me and my girlfriend would know about and i feel like i do want to give this to her now. I want the challenge and i don't want to go out without a fight.

 

please let me know what you think.

 

thanks

[boogieboy]

Dont do a damn thing. She has to regain YOUR trust and earn YOUR attention now that she broke it off. So blow her off for a couple weeks, so she can miss you. DOnt answer calls, dont answer all the texts, and if she asks whats wrong, say "Nuthin". Do what she did and stay distant. Stay busy and you dont have time for her. If she wants to get back with you, she has to work at it. Dont make it easy for her. If she doesnt do the work, she wasnt really that serious. its been 5 years for you two, she sounds like she wants to try out other guys, shes been with you for a while. So expect that you cant fix this. But for your own sanity, you have to stop talking to her altogether. Thats the only way you will be able to get over her.

[wow123]

Boogieboy...he said he never went out of his way for her.

 

By reading your description it sounds like she is confused. I think she does love you but doesn't want to let you in emotionally...I have gone through something very similar. As long as you can handle the worst case scenario, I would ask her out. Take her out somewhere nice and give her what she deserves. But again...make sure you can handle the rejection.

[Exit]

I see a lot of issues here. The main thing being her family. You want to go out and have fun with friends, she's trapped at home because she can't go out, and she expects you to be there for her. If you want to freedom to go out with your friends and no longer get dragged down by her situation, then why would you want her back?

 

I agree with your friend on one point, if you tried to work it out, you need to talk to her parents and stop playing these games. They need to know what's going on, and they need to trust you and let her out of the house more often. If she can hardly leave the house then she's in no position to be in a relationship.

 

Many people, like boogieboy's response already, will say leave it alone right now. All I can do is offer my opinion, and if I were in your shoes, I would write her one letter, and say that you would like to work this out but you would need to address the family issues, having time with your friends, and everything else. Then inform her that you will honor her request to be apart, and then go no contact. The reason you do this is because although she claims she is done with you, she may actually want to see some effort on your part, so if you go No Contact right here right now and never say anything to her, she's just going to assume that she wasn't very important to you. I still advocate No Contact, but I suggest one letter, just to cover your butt so she can't turn the blame on you later and say "you never even tried to contact me".

[rakez]

thanks so much for your responses guys.

 

i did something just before that i think i shouldn't have done. its been a week and 2 days and we haven't gone NC yet. Today i called her and asked her if she still loved me.

 

i don't know if i should have done it but i feel that i shouldn't have. Although it is now done i just wanted to know so that it could give me more confidence on doing something spectacular for her but instead she cried and told me she didn't love me anymore. she also said i don't want to be with you anymore because whenever she talks to me she thinks of how badly i treated her.

 

I'm really not a bad person. Well i really don't think and i asked my parents and friends if i was and no one has ever seen me angry nor be an ******* to anyone.

 

no i don't know what to do. i still feel like i should talk to her parents to atleast support her through this time that we arent together.

 

when she told me she didnt love me i don't know if she was beign serious or jsut telling me that so i can move on or jsut to get rid of me or because she was crying at the time.

 

i'm really going to give her space now by going NC and try and do things behind her back and hope for the best. i'm really hoping she was jsut acting like she didn't love me and saying stuff like that to me because she was emotional.

 

if god gives me abit of a sign to keep going with what i planned for her i will plan for august the 15th which is our 5th year anniversary and do waht ever i can to make her fall head over heels for me like she did when we were both younger. Atleast this will give her a month without me, to figure out if she really wants to be with me and to also figure out if i still wanna be doing this for her.

 

i will try to live my own life and prepare for the worst.

 

what do you guys think i should do now?

[boogieboy]

Dont do anything. leave her alone, leave her family alone. You taklked to her too much as is. Wait for her to come to you, and dont talk to her unless she is ready to work it out. . Thats all.

[Exit]

Unfortunately I think that's bad news for you. If she said she doesn't love you anymore, she likely means it.

 

Reminds me of my ex, telling me she can't get over how badly I treated her and how I didn't appreciate her, when I really don't think that's the reality of the situation. I think they just need to convince themselves so they can move on.

 

Sometimes girls send mixed signals and it's hard to tell. But I would think "I don't love you anymore" and "you treated me badly" is NOT a secret invitation to come surprise her on her anniversary. And talking to her parents behind her back will just leave her feeling betrayed and invaded.

 

I think you may want to start moving on right here right now. My ex said the same hurtful things to me, and she wasn't kidding, she's already seeing someone else.

[rakez]

last night when i wanted to go NC with her she called me and asked me why i took her off my facebook and she re-added me but i ignored. she sounded like she had been crying and stuff.

 

do you think she still loves me?

 

This is also the first day that we have not contacted each other at all.

 

i am dying here trying to accept the fact that i'm really not the one for her after all these years