SM22 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I met this guy online last month and he seemed really interested in me from the start. He always complimented me and wanted to meet up right away. I told him that I recently got out of a long term and didnt want to jump into anything serious. Basically told him that we can start off as friends. He was ok with that. We went out to movies and then dinner and I liked his personality alot and gave him a peck on the lips at the end of the night. Since then we have only been in contact through messenger. No texts and no calls. After the initial date we agreed to meet up again...but there were no real plans. I started seeing another guy I met through friends and we hang out on a regular basis. But then out of the blue the first guy will contact me on msn and flirt....but makes no plans. I kind of want him to either say he wants to go out again or to stop contacting me. I dont want to ignore him because that is just rude. But I also dont want to be an msn buddy to him when he is bored. Im not the type to confront someone I barely know...so what should I do?
JustLooking123 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 He probably doesn't want to go out on a limb and ask you out again, since you told him you wanted to move slowly and be friends first. That doesn't exactly translate into, "Please ask me out for a second date ASAP." If you want to see him again, ask him out yourself! It's clear that he has some interest, he probably just isn't sure of your interest in him.
boogieboy Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I met this guy online last month and he seemed really interested in me from the start. He always complimented me and wanted to meet up right away. I told him that I recently got out of a long term and didnt want to jump into anything serious. Basically told him that we can start off as friends. He was ok with that. We went out to movies and then dinner and I liked his personality alot and gave him a peck on the lips at the end of the night. Since then we have only been in contact through messenger. No texts and no calls. After the initial date we agreed to meet up again...but there were no real plans. I started seeing another guy I met through friends and we hang out on a regular basis. But then out of the blue the first guy will contact me on msn and flirt....but makes no plans. I kind of want him to either say he wants to go out again or to stop contacting me. I dont want to ignore him because that is just rude. But I also dont want to be an msn buddy to him when he is bored. Im not the type to confront someone I barely know...so what should I do? You cant expect him to want to make moves with you when you told him youre apprehensive right from the start. Basically he thought you really meant "I want a relationship, but I dont like you enough to do it with you" So of course if you dont show enough interest, hes not going to make plans. Youre already seeing another guy, dont be so greedy.
Author SM22 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 You cant expect him to want to make moves with you when you told him youre apprehensive right from the start. Basically he thought you really meant "I want a relationship, but I dont like you enough to do it with you" So of course if you dont show enough interest, hes not going to make plans. Youre already seeing another guy, dont be so greedy. Well to be honest, I really wasnt that interested before we met but I liked his personality from the first date so that is why I kissed him and also agreed that a 2nd date would be great. I thought that was hinting enough? But what confuses me is that I wont talk to him for like a week then out of the blue as soon as Im on msn he messages me and flirts with me. Should I tell him up front Im not interested in msn friendship and if he wanted to talk we should meet up instead?
boogieboy Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Well to be honest, I really wasnt that interested before we met but I liked his personality from the first date so that is why I kissed him and also agreed that a 2nd date would be great. I thought that was hinting enough? But what confuses me is that I wont talk to him for like a week then out of the blue as soon as Im on msn he messages me and flirts with me. Should I tell him up front Im not interested in msn friendship and if he wanted to talk we should meet up instead? EXACTLY! Be straight up about it. If he doesnt respond with a date, then you know where you stand.
Author SM22 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Ok so I got on MSN tonight and he was online...after 5 minutes he message me "how you doing?" and I responded "Im doing good, how are you?"... asked me about my day, said he just got off work and that he was tired. I commented that Im not really into talking on MSN for long. He said he figured and could tell. I then said "we should meet up sometime, there are a few movies I really want to see" and he said "yeah we should." So is he waiting for me to set up a day and time??? lol There was silence for 10 minutes and I logged off. I think Im going to block him and try to avoid him from now on...he just gives off the vibes of a man who doesnt even try lol
New Again Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I can totally understand why you're so annoyed - I would be too. However, as other posters noted, you kind of put yourself in a bad position. I think this guy probably thinks you're giving mixed signals. You are being incredibly passive - again, I get it, you want him to pursue you - I go for more assertive/aggressive guys also - BUT in this case, I don't think you can do that if you're actually interested in him - sure, ideally you would say "I'd love to see a move SOMETIME" and he would respond with "Great, I'll pick you up at 7pm on Thursday." Unfortunately you put yourself in a position where you can't hint around like that - you should've said, "I'm not really into long MSN convos, but I would like to hang out again - maybe we can go see a movie this week? What's your schedule like?" or something to that effect.
littlewhiterose Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I told him that I recently got out of a long term and didnt want to jump into anything serious. Maybe keep this notion to yourself at first - instead of telling a prospective guy. This automatically sounds like a roadblock. I'd think just simply 'thinking' this, while still agreeing to meet up, would show in your actions. He'd pick up the fact that you're treading lightly and act accordingly based on his level of interest. Maybe he was confused and thought you were testing him and since 'he passed' , it's like "OK, now let's go to the movies". I dunno, I could be wrong.
Author SM22 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 I can totally understand why you're so annoyed - I would be too. However, as other posters noted, you kind of put yourself in a bad position. I think this guy probably thinks you're giving mixed signals. You are being incredibly passive - again, I get it, you want him to pursue you - I go for more assertive/aggressive guys also - BUT in this case, I don't think you can do that if you're actually interested in him - sure, ideally you would say "I'd love to see a move SOMETIME" and he would respond with "Great, I'll pick you up at 7pm on Thursday." Unfortunately you put yourself in a position where you can't hint around like that - you should've said, "I'm not really into long MSN convos, but I would like to hang out again - maybe we can go see a movie this week? What's your schedule like?" or something to that effect. Yeah, you are right. He probably is confused by my actions but just the fact that he is so laid back about it is a turn off to me. I generally don't set up the dates and I dont feel comfortable doing it. I think for the next week I will block him on msn to see if he will just text me or call to see how Im doing? If not, then Ill know the answer. I just never had someone perfer to talk to me over a messenger rather then on the phone or in person...seems odd especially if they live close by. Maybe keep this notion to yourself at first - instead of telling a prospective guy. This automatically sounds like a roadblock. I'd think just simply 'thinking' this, while still agreeing to meet up, would show in your actions. He'd pick up the fact that you're treading lightly and act accordingly based on his level of interest. Maybe he was confused and thought you were testing him and since 'he passed' , it's like "OK, now let's go to the movies". I dunno, I could be wrong. Well I really wasn't looking for a relationship so I thought I would be honest with him (also from the photos he posted, he wasnt my type but I liked talking to him). But after getting to know him during the first date, I think we hit off nicely...so I was looking forward to a second. Taking it slow is exactly what I wanted and didnt want to put labels on it too soon. Now that its been 3 weeks since the first date and he continually talks to me over msn, I dont know why he would do that and never want to actually meet up? Do men actually do this?
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Here's the hinge upon which this entire drama rests:Basically told him that we can start off as friends.For someone that's looking for a meaningful relationship, "let's start off as friends" is the kiss of death. He probably thought that you were interested in looking for romance, but as soon as he heard that "friends" comment, he backed off because he won't tolerate being friend-zoned.
boogieboy Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 You really stepped it down too much. He still thinks he is friend zoned, if you want him to show interest, you have to take back anything you might have told him that makes him think you arent interested in him romantically. Hes not going to pursue you if he thinks he is in the friend zone. Now you have to fix this.
Author SM22 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Alright, I guess I will fix this and ask him out If i get rejected Im coming for all of you lol Ill let you guys know how it goes!
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Alright, I guess I will fix this and ask him out That's the spirit! Take charge of your happiness, take responsibility for your life! If it doesn't work out, well, hey, it doesn't work out. But you'll never know unless you step up to the plate and take a swing. Good luck!
boogieboy Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Alright, I guess I will fix this and ask him out If i get rejected Im coming for all of you lol Ill let you guys know how it goes! If thats you in the avatar, then come to New Jersey, and Ill take you to the movies you want to see, how bout that? And bring your paddle. BTW if you keep taking charge like this, you'll get alot more dates of guys you like when youre not afraid of them saying no. It gets easier the more you do it...
Author SM22 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Oh I finally got the nerve to ask him out to dinner on Monday Night here is how it went... Him: whats up? Me: not much, whats up with you? Him: Same, how was your day? Me: great how was yours? Him: Im off work today, so just been relaxing Me: nice! Lets meet up tomorrow and grab a bite to eat Him: Ahhh I cant tomorrow...how about Wednesday or Saturday? Me: Wednesday sounds good. Him: cool. Me: Ill give you a call tomorrow. goodnight. Him: Later... Okay so he accepted it and its tomorrow night so we haven't set up a time or place yet (I know I should have) but I will call him early tomorrow and figure that stuff out. Hope all goes well
Author SM22 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I called him to confirm time and place earlier today at 1pm eastern...its now 620pm and still no call back... I assume he flaked. I cant believe I was stood up lol this sucks... Anyway, Im not about to stay home and do nothing...got dressed too so Im going to hang out with a friend now... I will not be contacting him ever again.
Chicago_Guy Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 What do you expect from this guy? You met him on the Internet and then told him you didn't want a relationship. You cannot expect him to stick around if he's looking for a relationship himself.
paddington bear Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I think here's what happened. You wanted a relationship, and yet thought maybe you weren't ready. You communicated your confusion to this guy in the hope of being honest. He picked up the 'friends' part of the conversation and ran with that. But seeing you as now something unavailable and a challenge, he continued to flirt. As soon as you finally respond to that and step up to the plate and call him on it, he backs off. If he had had genuine interest he would have thought 'Finally! She's realised that she wants more than friends, I'm looking for a relationship and she's on the same page. Yay! Can't wait to meet her'. But he didn't. Just playing games. Wanting what he can't have and then when he gets it, doesn't want it. You're totally right. Write him off, move on and next time say to yourself 'I just got out of a bad relationship, but I'm open to see what happens' - I mean, some guy could come along who will knock your socks off and then you would suddenly be 'ready' to jump into a relationship with him, so don't limit yourself, just stay open and see what happens on a case-by-case basis.
Author SM22 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 That exactly what I was thinking. Here is the kicker... I got on MSN earlier today and guess who messaged me? I didn't respond for a good 15 minutes cuz I was pissed but then I didnt want him to think it bugged me so I ended up talking to him but only with one word answers... He didnt bring up the fact that he never called me back and kept asking what my plans were for the weekend... what the hell? I just blocked and deleted him. His behavior is so odd, Im flabbergasted! Either he is in a serious relationship already or he is avoiding meeting face-to-face lol Life goes on....
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