Thomas X Forever Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 What did your breakup show you? How will you be different? What GOOD came from all the bad? Me, I'll be a lot less cruel, a lot less passive aggressive, a lot less depressed, a lot more caring, I'll be there 100% for the next girl. I'll use psychology, coupled with introspection, to become a better person, one day at a time, so I don't hurt the next girl unless I have to.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Less doormat. I still like the mat but it'll just be a bit less plush moving forward
Giha Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I've learned not to expect. And I'll do more for her, but this time I won't ignore it when I don't get what I deserve back.
gavinus Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 What I have learnt is to believe in myself and to know when to stop giving
moo Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I learned that actions really, really do speak louder than words. I learned that if the bf refuses to go to couple's counseling for whatever reason, to cut him loose. I learned that red flags should not be ignored. I learned that when I am upset, calm down before talking to the bf instead of yelling and calling him names.
Exit Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I've learned that no matter how badly a girl wants your time and attention, it doesn't mean to give up on the rest of your interests and become an uninteresting boring slob. I'm not sure how to strike the perfect balance, telling a new GF you can't hang out very often because you go to the gym at night doesn't make you seem very interested, but completely giving up and getting out of shape isn't attractive either. I've learned when there are obvious, glaring problems, and the other person just wants to hug and make up and sweep it under the rug, that I was WRONG to go along with that. I've learned how important communication is, and lack of it cannot be ignored. I've learned to control my temper, to see other people's point of view, and not to get so mad over a temporary issue that it ends up being a permanent end to the relationship. I just hope the fact that I've spent these 3 months without her really looking in the mirror and analyzing my faults will pay off.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Exit, that was very good. In fact, all of your guys posts are. I also made this topic so I (and we all) could learn from each other. We could see which mistakes we, and others, made, and thus, learn and adapt from them all. This topic, ideally, will make us all very, very good next round.
lupa Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I've learned that providing and giving is not the same as showing affection and empathy. I've learned that I'm a "strong" personality type, and sometimes the weaker personality can get run over. I've learned that listening and offering support is not simply giving solutions to problems. I've learned to address the problems in a relationship like a man, instead of avoiding a fight and letting tension and unhappiness build. I've learned that we could always do things differently, but thinking about it will kill a man. Instead, all we can do is look to grow and get better.
Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I've learned that providing and giving is not the same as showing affection and empathy. This is an important lesson for me too. I do too much giving, for the wrong reasons, trying to make up for my other faults. Can't buy happiness with material things. I thought my ex would appreciate all the times I fixed her car for her, the times I wrote her a check when she was going to be short on paying bills for the month, the times I drove her to work, etc etc, but none of that makes up for just being a happy, enjoyable person on a day to day basis.
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I'm currently not suffering the effects of a breakup, but can remember clearly the lessons from the last one: What women say they want and what they actually do want are often two different things. Not always, but often enough that it's easily confused. Sharing feelings is only acceptable if those feelings are in line with her feelings. If they're not, shaddap. Talking does not fix things. Taking action fixes things. Being open, transparent and authentic is often perceived as weakness.The higher the expectations, the lower you'll feel when those expectations aren't met.You cannot - absolutely cannot - trust your feeling/intuition/gut/whatever. It's wrong as often as it's right. (This was HUGE for me.)Giving is good, as long as it's done with no payback in mind.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 nice guys finish last with their special set of rules says JZ and he is right no more mr nice guy for me that is what i have learned not the only thing but most important thing...i let my ex run over me use me and take me for granted the love and caring i gave to her she doesnt deserve my love that i gave her and although i want her back i dont need her back that is another thing i became to needy and clingy which saps the energy from the relationship i have changed a lot since june 3rd and i am lookin forward not into the past plz believe it
Beeotch Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 SO much..kinda glad it happened as I actually learned a lot about myself and dealing with relationships in general. 1. I learned about attachment styles and how that plays into how people do just about everything in relationships. Something I didn't know before and no doubt will look out for in future relationships. 2. Patience, perseverance 3. Strength- putting my foot down even when it hurts. Learned it through NC (NC is also something I learned). Learned when to walk away after doing all that I can. 4. It brought me closer to my bestfriend...who surprisingly went through a break up too and we had grew slightly apart but because of our break ups we're much closer now, share insight and actually discuss future plans and ways to improve ourselves and our lives and goals. 5. True meaning of love versus being inlove. Being inlove is no more than infatuation...you can fall in and out of it but loving someone is long lasting and unconditional no matter what they've done and what has happened. The break up caused me to realize this and to also strive for this. 5. Self-introspection and just reaffirmed for me that I am a great catch 6. Opened my eyes further and reaffirmed the qualities I want in a partner and relationship and it has upped my standards.
tigressA Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I have learned... Not to rely on anyone else to give me the affirmation I want. Because I used to be so reliant on others for that, I would fall for anyone who was decent and paid me attention, and that's why none of my relationships (besides the one I'm in now) worked. You have to love yourself before being able to love anyone else. To always, always take the high road. I did some major-league trash talk after my breakups, and even some of my closest friends thought I had gone way too far; I had gained a reputation for being a cruel, vicious gossip. I had to work hard to regain trust I had lost. That you just have to cry, no matter when the feeling comes, no matter where you are. I would feel like I was about to cry at strange times after breakups--in class, in the middle of the student union cafe with friends, in my dorm kitchen making breakfast. I would always go to a more private place, and after the moment passed, after it was all out, I felt much better. That I am SO much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for before.
Vicious_Delicious Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Ah, good thread. Got out of my first relationship about 4 months ago and I'm still angry over the situation. Things I've learned: - Don't get into a relationship with someone you don't trust - Don't give and expect anything in return, just give - Don't tell her about your insecurities - Don't ask her about her exes - Don't bring up her past - Don't overthink every little action - Don't spend too much money just to get her to fall in love with you - You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, they must save themselves - Don't put anyone before your career - Don't take her on a trip to a foreign country for a month if things aren't going well, in hopes that things will get better. Especially not when it's a business trip... - No one else can make you happy but yourself - Make sure the person you decide to be with will appreciate everything you do for them - Don't say "I love you" if you don't truly mean it - Respect the other person's privacy and just hope that they aren't doing anything disrespectful behind your back (She was though) - Go with your gut - If it looks like ****, smells like ****, hell if it even tastes like ****, then it must be **** - Don't kiss and tell - Don't ask your friends for their advice and follow it blindly, take the advice they give you and determine if it meets your standards - Always end it on a good note (it ended very, very ugly) - Always treat the other person fairly - Don't make the other person feel like you are using them for something - Don't stay in the relationship if you're unhappy, even after trying to work on it - Myspace is the devil - Stand up for yourself, if the other person does something you don't agree with, talk to them about it, and if they are unwilling to collaborate, then end it. - Effort and communication!!! - If you're going to dump someone, don't point out all of their flaws just to hurt them back - The main reason why it doesn't work out is because the two people in the relationship were just not compatible - Don't smother the other person, give them some space - Let the other person do some work some of the time, 50/50, not 90/10 So many other lessons to list. It was a crazy 8 month emotional roller coaster with a woman that was well... not good. For me at least. Although I feel sorry for the next guy. All in all, I'm happy it ended, there were good times, there were bad times. Now, I'm just learning how to get over someone. Especially the anger.
playlislay Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Waheey, a chance for self-evaluation and reflection!!!! I have not only gained new knowledge from MY actions in my last relationship, but also from my ex's actions/approaches. Be open and honest to avoid hurting others The experience: When me and C first got together, we were in an open relationship........well, HE was but it was news to me. Yes. He wanted to have his cake and eat it!!! Once I found out that he was sleeping with others (4 months into 'us'), I went mad! He had convinced me that it was me and only me. Thats what hurt the most. If he would have been upfront/honest (his ex had recently dumped him before we got together, he was heartbroken and obviously wanted to keep his options open for a while) and said that he was still keeping his options open for a while, then it wouldnt have broken my heart like it did. Needless to say, I stayed with him but knowing what he had done caused major anxiety on my behalf, which wrecked the relationship. How I applied my new knowledge to my new "relationship": 5 months of heartbreak later (we finished in Dec 08), I decided to start dating properly but wanted to keep my options open as I didnt want to settle for the first man that came along. I was introduced to a lovely man (L) through a friend. We started dating, but I always made it clear that my options were being kept open for a loooong time. My soul purpose for doing this was so that he wouldnt be hurt if he saw me flirting on social networks (I would NEVER flirt in front of him!) and so that he knew where he stood in regards to "us". I have dated others, although I refuse to sleep with anyone else but him due to diseases etc and that fact that Im just not the slutty type. L and I have become very close, yet I am still sticking to my guns at keeping the relationship open until Im 100% sure of what I want. Needless to say, I think we will become official within the next month or so but I shall stick with my honesty and openess for now. To good to be true? Always keep an open mind and watch out for red-flagsThe experience: Relating to my lesson learned above, when I met C I "knew" that I had met "the one". He was my last stop on the love train, perfect in EVERY way! I honestly thought that I knew what love was until I met him. He really was something special and what we had was rare (already I sound deluded, but I was convinced and in some respects, I still do believe that he was "the one"). The problem with this is that I believed every word that he said to me. I trusted every word that came out of that mans mouth, especially the valid points, such as "Ive cheated once and I would NEVER do it again", or, "I hate dating sites. They are such a waste of time". After creating a strong relationship based on love and trust, I decided that I wanted to make it official at uni (study together) and on the wonderful world of Facebook. His repsonse? "Oh, you know Im a private person... yadda yadda yadda" RED FLAG!!!! It was one week after this discussion, 4 months into the relationship, that I discoverd he was sleeping with various women behind my back. How I applied my new knowledge to my new "relationship": I now take every comment from a man with a pinch of salt. Unfortunately love can blind us, so it's best to pull off that tinted love-visor every now and then. Last but not least, communication The experience: When I was with C, I found it hard to express my emotions when I was feeling down. He would ask me what was wrong and my head would tell me all the things what I wanted to say to him but my mouth just didnt seem to work, it went into meltdown! It would take me a good few hours, or at its worse, days, to have the "ability" to open up and explain myself. This ultimately destroyed our relationship. It also turned out that HE couldnt express himself to me either. He was very unhappy with how I would close down and push him away, but he never explained to me that this was the case. My mind had the go-ahead for continuing to not express myself when needed, as he never expressed that it was not OK for me to behave this way. If I would have known that I was going to lose him from it and that it made him that unhappy, then I would have most certainly have made a great effort to open up more. How I applied my new knowledge to my new "relationship": After a continuous analysis of what happened to cause the breakdown between myself and my beautiful partner, I soon realised that I had to change my behaviour when being upset. I have taken it upon myself to improve my communication techniques and I have already applied them with L. I was VERY reluctant to open up during an upsetting incidence, but I did and I felt proud of myself after.
moo Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Hrtbrk, you said "nice guys finish last" and "no more Mr. Nice Guy" for you. I felt the same way about myself (Nice Girls finish last). I did not ever want to be nice or giving again after my ex treated me like dirt. I have changed my mind. I do want to be nice, but I have to set limits. I love giving: kindness, caring, patience and presents. My therapist said when I give, make sure there is giving on his side as well. Well there was VERY LITTLE. I made lots of excuses for him instead. I gave him lots of presents and he gave me NONE. I gave him huge doses of understanding and patience and he gave me some in limited supplies...sometimes very limited supplies. Yes, when I gave him gifts, I did not do it with wanting him to give me a gift back in mind, but at some point I started to feel angry. I had given him a medalion, flowers, a scrapbook set so he could share fun times with his son, a set of Russian books. What did he give me? No presents at all. We went out for a year and absolutely nothing. There was always some excuse...he didn't have money for flowers, etc. One flower costs lest than 5 dollars, yet he blew money...lots of money on himself, and had enough money to play golf, to hang out at nightclubs, etc. I even said he could pick a card up for me when he is at the grocery store and he said "I dont' think of you when I go to the grocery store." I stopped giving presents because at some point, you have to say, "Gee, I give to him and he does not, even though he told me more than once he would." Birthday...nothing...Anniversary...nothing. nothing, nothing. Everytime there was an excuse. Everytime I tried to understand. My next relationship...yes, I will be kind, caring, patient and giving...but there will be limits...in somewhat small doses that will build up over time if he is worthy...and if he is not a giving person, I will leave. I think it's important that we don't bring baggage of anger to the next relationship. I want to give my next bf a clean slate....but with caution. You don't want to be mean in your next relationship do you? I think many of us here feel very taken advantage of. The key is to be kind, caring, patience, etc., but to know where to draw the line...I have to figure that out. I do not know where the line is yet.
heatherb16 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Until I started typing I had no idea how much I learned. -My break up showed me that you can't control what the other person is feeling. It's not their fault if they no longer feel the same, and you can't do ANYTHING to change that. -My break up showed me that I am a very insensitive person. I don't listen to someone when they express how they are feeling. And when I finally do listen, I make the situation even worse with giving my opinion. Bad mistake. I'm already beginning to work on this-when I talk to him, and when I talk to friends and family. -My break up showed me that this is just the first heartbreak and I can make it, again, if I have to. There may be many more, and now I am prepared. -My break up showed me what I lost-how much I took him for granted. I feel horrible. -My break up showed me to open up the lines of communication. I never really took into consideration how much those lines were closed with my ex and me. I believe this is definitely where our relationship crumbled, and we both had no idea, until it was too late. -My break up showed me to kick my jealousy to the curb. I never once should have even questioned him. It hurt us both. -And last but not least my break up showed me EXACTLY what I'm looking for in a guy. I thank my ex for that. He offered me everything I ever wanted.
t0ri Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I've learned: -to not let my entire happiness fully rest in someone else's hands! -that actions speak louder than words, for sure. -that people change, but I can't change them. -it takes two people to make a relationship work. I let all the work fall on me while my ex sat back and watched it fall to pieces because he wouldn't communicate his feelings. -communication is key in relationships, and my ex did not communicate with me about his feelings until after he dumped me. -that it's completely necessary to maintain my individuality while in a relationship. -how I should be treated, and my ex did not treat me properly. -to choose my battles wisely in a relationship. -and not to take my loved ones for granted, you never know when they could be gone.
Exit Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 t0ri I really like your list, many things that also apply to me.
redhighheels Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 My last break-up was a real eye opener for me. I took a lot of time to reflect not only on my relationships, but on my life overall. Some of my conclusions: - If something bothers me, I have to address it, with the risk of disturbing the status quo, otherwise I become frustrated and angry at myself. - I need to be more tactful and choose my words wisely because I never know when I'm going to have to swallow them. - No matter how much you care/love or are in love with someone, sometimes it just doesn't work out..and that's ok. Some people that come into your life are the real deal, while others are merely painful, yet necessary lessons. It's important to recognize them as what they truly are. - People only look out for themselves. Push comes to shove, I can only count on my family. Always was there for me, always will..no matter what. That thought is very comforting. - There are certain areas of my life that I need to improve. It was hard to figure out the distinction between my real issues and the things that my ex didn't like, but are not a reflection of myself, just of his preferences overall. - The way someone treats you during and after a break-up says a lot more about that person's character and personality than the whole relationship. And finally, the most important thing that I've learned is that everything is going to be ok in the end. We are far more resilient than we realize.
wontgohomewou Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I learned that I became a big jerk and very possessive. I was also pretty jealous and looking back now I'm like 'why in the world was I like that?'. I'm actually pretty happy I was dumped, I will change the bad things about me in my next relationship. The main problem with me was that I cared too much, this time I don't think I'm really going to give a damn about the small stuff. OH also not to show weakness to your gf, they find that unattractive.
Battlewax Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Only one thing. To trust my instincts at the beginning. Had I done that, I wouldn't be here today.
adamt Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 My break up has taught me how to watch out for those warning signs and to communicate more. But it isnt one side and the ex has to take some of the blame too. Dont assume that when the girlfriend talks and starts planning for the future that they will actually follow it through. Talk is cheap, action speaks louder. Both sides have to be accomodating and make sacrifices. Once the otehr half stops laughing at your jokes then you are introuble
joseffrost Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 My break up has taught me how to watch out for those warning signs and to communicate more. But it isnt one side and the ex has to take some of the blame too. Dont assume that when the girlfriend talks and starts planning for the future that they will actually follow it through. Talk is cheap, action speaks louder. Both sides have to be accomodating and make sacrifices. Once the otehr half stops laughing at your jokes then you are introuble Sooooooooo true. And when your own little idiosyncracies stop being endearing and become an annoyance, you know you're on a downward slope.
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