paddington bear Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I think it says that the person is either highly emotional for a man or is a "doormat" type. I never thought of this, and Carhill said much the same...but you're both right. I'm thinking of a couple of (straight) men I know with only or mostly female friends are highly emotional and door-matty. You've made me think. Wondering if it is in fact healthier for men to engage in mostly male company - in terms of them finding a woman I mean. The guys I've known and know who have mostly female friends act like girls themselves out on the dating scene, waiting for the women to make the first move, being emotional and yes, acting like a doormat...which women don't find attractive (unless they are the control-freak types who search out doormats like heat-seeking missiles). And OP...I'm wondering your motivation of asking the question, you seem to be worried that this guy is either gay or bi-sexual, and if that is the case what does it matter, unless you're freaked out that he's in love with you or something.
New Again Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Haha. Carhill, I usually have to read your posts twice to comprehend them. You are a wordy dude!! You are correct in all of your assumptions although the realizations and discussions took place over a loooooong time. I don't like for my guy to "share emotionally" with any woman but me. Perhaps, if his ego weren't so easily stroked by female connection, that wouldn't be the case. But because he has a "history" of some friendships crossing lines, I'm insecure about most of them. The females that do not "trip my wires", so to speak, are the ones who show an equal interest in me as they do him. I don't dig on the friendships I'm not included in. Never used to be so territorial. This happened after I met him. Strange? I can totally relate to this. Having had a couple of experiences like this with two different exes actually contributed to my realization that I shouldn't be putting myself in a position for that to happen with my guy friends either. I also got frustrated with guy "friends" who confessed to having always been totally into me since we first met and were just waiting for their chance the second I broke up with a bf. But, I feel like I could have written your post - my relationships with guys like that were too immature (the guys and I were immature, not blaming it all on them) to work out the issues though, the way you have with your guy. So, now I also don't want to get involved in a situation where this might become an issue. I also have this major sense of fairness, and I feel like if I'm not putting myself in that position, the guy I'm dating shouldn't either.
D-Lish Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Many of the guys I have dated have had a large circle of female (and male) friends- it hasn't bothered me. Sometimes you'll run into female friends that are territorial- and that can cause issues- but I haven't experienced too much of this. I also wouldn't put up with it. I also have a large network of both male and female friends. I think it's healthy to have balance in your life. It wouldn't at all deter me from dating a guy if he had lots of female friends.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Never used to be so territorial. This happened after I met him. Strange? IDK. Perhaps not strange, but indicating an elemental fear based on history. Fears are normal. We have them every day. They drive many of our behaviors, territoriality being one of them. After all, you'd no sooner welcome another woman into your man's territory than you would a burglar into your home, right? Both are based in fear; fear of loss. Say your man was a complete gentleman. Polite and distant with all women except you (and maybe your mother ). Think about this, real hard. If that was his psychology, would you even have been attracted to him in the first place? Or, was it that easy way he had with women, with them validating his ego, that attracted you? Hate it when that happens, right? OK, with that, I'm off to my best friends' house. His wife invited me for dinner and a sleepover, given the complete and utter gentleman that I am. Or is it my easy way with women?
New Again Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Guys can be friends with girls, and be easy with them and make them feel special etc. without crossing lines that would or could harm a relationship - whether that relationship is with a girl friend or a girlfriend.
AlektraClementine Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 IDK. Perhaps not strange, but indicating an elemental fear based on history. Fears are normal. We have them every day. They drive many of our behaviors, territoriality being one of them. After all, you'd no sooner welcome another woman into your man's territory than you would a burglar into your home, right? Both are based in fear; fear of loss. Say your man was a complete gentleman. Polite and distant with all women except you (and maybe your mother ). Think about this, real hard. If that was his psychology, would you even have been attracted to him in the first place? Or, was it that easy way he had with women, with them validating his ego, that attracted you? Hate it when that happens, right? Excellent point. And you could be right. I just wish that his easy disposition with women hadn't resulted in my insecurities being tapped so many times. He now understands how it makes me feel and has taken great measure to correct the behavior, but I can't help thinking that I'm trying to change something fundamental in his behavior. And in that case, will it ever really go away or is it just for now. I wish that I could understand it an not see it as a threat. Starting to threadjack here. Sorry OP!
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 I have no clue what is going on with this thread now. Its like its gone way over board. I think I would have a better chance of comprehending some foreign language than some of the posts that have been submitted.
LittleGuyBigIssues Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Sometimes you'll run into female friends that are territorial- and that can cause issues- but I haven't experienced too much of this. I also wouldn't put up with it. Yup, i have met that type before. Always hung out with a male friend of hers, hugging, cuddling him whenever she needed someone and her own boyfriend was away or busy. Until this guy finally got a girlfriend himself and wasnt 'available' as often anymore. She got really jealous and bitchy.
eiithan Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Back in college I had an ex very similar to your guy. He was a metrosexual intellectual raised by an matriarchal Italian mother, very into arts and culture, who found himself more comfortable surrounded by women than men. Occasionally he was mistaken for being gay also. It did not bother me at all. I am not a jealous type (could be mistaken for being aloof even) and have a preference in men who are emotionally available and comfortable with both his masculine and feminine sides. Now, interestingly, he had a difficult time understanding that I have more male friends than female friends (it's a nature in the field I am in) and that I only had eyes for him. He was a very insecure guy. You see what I am trying to say?
Thornton Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Someone who has a lot of friends of the opposite gender typically has more in common with them than with people of their own gender, they identify with them more. So a man with a lot of female friends might typically be more emotional and open, a sensitive kind of guy who cries at romantic movies and stuff. He isn't necessarily gay though, and a lot of women would be into a sensitive guy like that. Take me as an example - I'm a heterosexual female with very few female friends, I ride a motorbike and work with computers, and personality wise I'm a bit of a tomboy. Females rarely want to play video games with me or go on motorbike rides, they don't want to discuss the latest scientific developments, and I tend to regard a lot of them as being rather silly and giggly. To me, men just seem far more interesting and logical, so I have mostly male friends. The female friends I do have are mostly tomboys too.
tigressA Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Not gay, if he's a good looking guy, these friends are girls that he either got with already, or girls that want to get with him. It keeps his options open. Typical heartbreaker type. I agree with this. I have a friend exactly like this who I did hook up with many times before, on and off. A lot of people have speculated about him for years, wondering if he's gay--he's creative, emotionally open, dresses well, good-looking--but he's straight. Nearly all the girls he's friends with now he's hooked up with and/or dated in the past or wanted to date them, or they wanted to date him. And someone else said something about those girl friends getting "territorial"--I've been there, on both sides. I'm not proud of those times in my life.
RedAlert Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 It doesn't necessarily mean your gay, I'm a young male with more female friend than male friends because for some reason I simply have more in common with them. They're easier to talk to and more mature than most of my male friends. Some question my sexual preference because of this and the fact that I never "make a move" towards any of the girls I'm friendly with, but that is because of I am involved in an unrequited situation with a female and therefore resist the temptation of other girls. Short Answer: I'm too ugly to be gay.
gypsy_nicky Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 if the guy is highly attractive I don't think females will befriend this type of person. Too risky because of constant sexual/physical tension on her part. Unrequited love will result. Also, bearing in mind most women are very much concerned with their physical appearance due to social pressure/norm a highly attractive male will make her feel constantly insecure and weary because of attention from other women. IF the guy is average and somewhat attractive then he's either gay, an intellectual whore, or a "baggage handler". Nice guys with lots of female friends.
gypsy_nicky Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I agree with this. I have a friend exactly like this who I did hook up with many times before, on and off. A lot of people have speculated about him for years, wondering if he's gay--he's creative, emotionally open, dresses well, good-looking--but he's straight. Nearly all the girls he's friends with now he's hooked up with and/or dated in the past or wanted to date them, or they wanted to date him. And someone else said something about those girl friends getting "territorial"--I've been there, on both sides. I'm not proud of those times in my life. closeted gay.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Well, the guy I'm speaking of-he isn't highly attractive. He is cute, but probably more average than anything else. I don't think he is all that attractive, personally. I definitely don't think he is gay unless he is going out of way to hide it, but the bisexual thing is questionable for certain reasons. I don't get why he told people gay guys were hitting on him, unless he brags about it cause he likes it :sick:I really don't know. He is the type that is more into the arts and pottery, things like that. At the same time, he still has this masculine side, as far as interests, so maybe he just has a good balance of feminine and masculine. if the guy is highly attractive I don't think females will befriend this type of person. Too risky because of constant sexual/physical tension on her part. Unrequited love will result. Also, bearing in mind most women are very much concerned with their physical appearance due to social pressure/norm a highly attractive male will make her feel constantly insecure and weary because of attention from other women. IF the guy is average and somewhat attractive then he's either gay, an intellectual whore, or a "baggage handler". Nice guys with lots of female friends.
MusicChick24 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Well I have two very different scenarios that relate. 1. My boyfriend has more female friends than males. He's never been a "hang out with the guys" kind of guy. He's always went to women for advice etc. In high school he was more comfortable being around a group of women than a group of men. HOWEVER, now that we are in college he studies engineering so there are rarely women in his classes. In this case he hangs out with the guys...but none of these guys are friends he would call to hang out or have a drink with...just see them in public and wave kind of friends... 2. My best male friend (other than my bf) all through high school only hung out with women. His best friends were women (me and another girl) and he spend all his spare time outside of school and work hanging out with women. In our last year in high school he came out to being gay after dating me and his other female best friend. He now, obviously only hangs out with women or gay men. I also must add that I have always had more male friends than female since I was in Elementary school. Mostly because early on alot of the females I were around were "preps" and that wasn't something I wanted to be. So I don't see anything wrong with a man who has close female friends if I have mostly male friends...oh and the majority of those male friends (with the exception of my best friend) have girlfriends of S/Os. So two different scenarios to consider.
monkey00 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 As a guy I think having a good balance of opposite sex friends or having less female friends than male friends works out pretty well. However it also depends on the proximity and the type of friendship that exists with the opposite sex. Personally for me I've always had more male friends than female friends. The female ones I do have I just hang out with them every now and then or going to social events because they are likely in the same circle of friends. I usually don't vent about problems to the females, only my boys. However I think it's a positive thing for guys to have female friends. It shows they're capable of relating to the opposite sex well and possess a certain level of empathy (as some other posters have already mentioned). It doesn't necessarily classify a guy as being gay or a 'doormat'. I have nice guy friends who are doormats that don't even have a single female friend in their lives.
Sam Spade Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Women terrify me, so the last thing on earth I want to be with them is friends . I'll stick to the caveman mentality for as long as feasible. More to the point, while good friends naturally can be of any gender , I just don't think that being friends with women justifies the extra trouble of doing so. In other words, I *don't* like the way women operate emotionally, so being friends with them would be more trouble than it's worth - 1 girl-*friend* is plenty, plus I've got other things to do, such as chase cats with my dog, or go hiking, or go wrestle with the gang, you get the idea . (Also, I assume we're talking about actual friends, not aquintances - I know plenty of women, but it would never occur to call any of them a 'friend')
39388 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's amazing there are any women stupid enough to feel this is an issue. About half or a little more than half of my friends are female. Another thing I need to lie about, at least be omission.
Yellowboy Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm a guy with more female friends than male friends. I'm not gay nor bisexual, I don't dress up like metrosexuals do, I'm not that much into art and cultures, and lastly, I am not a doormat. Then why do I end up with more girl friends? Lots of reasons. - First, my guy friends are sort of immature and obnoxious compared to my female friends. If I have a serious life problem to discuss, they're not the ones to talk with. They always just try to 'solve the problem' by drinking and getting **** drunk. - Their hobbies are very limited. Either they talk about sports, video games, movies, women, cars, the guy stuff. Granted I am into all of them (except cars), I would get bored if all conversations revolved around these topics. - I grew up raised by my mother so maybe it has something to do with that too. - On the other hand, my girl friends are good listeners. They may not necessarily have an answer for you, but at least give you insights or opinions. I also listen to their problems too. In that sense, I probably carry the same emotional openess like females do. - They talk about almost everything. They talk about politics, languages, travels, good food, etc. I don't know, my guy friends only care about drinking and trying to pick up chicks at a bar. And those who talk about dining tend to be elitist snobs, and I don't want those type of guys either. - But, I do get bored when girls do the girl talk. It's fun to hear their view and makes me learn a few things or two when I date women, but otherwise, yeah it can get awkward and I lose my place during that conversation. But thats probably the only uncool moment I can think of being surrounded by girls. - Lastly, yes, some of them are girls I've dated or at least tried to, and ended up getting friend zoned. Plus, they're not those types that keep asking favors from me, trying to take advantage of my feelings. They're not like that, which I'm thankful of. Those who tried that with me, are certainly not in my list of friends. So what does that make me?
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 When you learn to compartmentalize the behaviors which make you a great friend to women away from the ones which make you attractive as a romantic partner, then you'll have success. You can be both people. The fun part, I've found, is teasing one part over to the other. It really keeps women off-balance. They're expecting one behavior and get these little glimpses of something different. Lots of fun. Getting old doesn't have to be boring
paddington bear Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm a guy with more female friends than male friends. I'm not gay nor bisexual, I don't dress up like metrosexuals do, I'm not that much into art and cultures, and lastly, I am not a doormat. Then why do I end up with more girl friends? Lots of reasons. - First, my guy friends are sort of immature and obnoxious compared to my female friends. If I have a serious life problem to discuss, they're not the ones to talk with. They always just try to 'solve the problem' by drinking and getting **** drunk. - Their hobbies are very limited. Either they talk about sports, video games, movies, women, cars, the guy stuff. Granted I am into all of them (except cars), I would get bored if all conversations revolved around these topics. - I grew up raised by my mother so maybe it has something to do with that too. - On the other hand, my girl friends are good listeners. They may not necessarily have an answer for you, but at least give you insights or opinions. I also listen to their problems too. In that sense, I probably carry the same emotional openess like females do. - They talk about almost everything. They talk about politics, languages, travels, good food, etc. I don't know, my guy friends only care about drinking and trying to pick up chicks at a bar. And those who talk about dining tend to be elitist snobs, and I don't want those type of guys either. - But, I do get bored when girls do the girl talk. It's fun to hear their view and makes me learn a few things or two when I date women, but otherwise, yeah it can get awkward and I lose my place during that conversation. But thats probably the only uncool moment I can think of being surrounded by girls. - Lastly, yes, some of them are girls I've dated or at least tried to, and ended up getting friend zoned. Plus, they're not those types that keep asking favors from me, trying to take advantage of my feelings. They're not like that, which I'm thankful of. Those who tried that with me, are certainly not in my list of friends. So what does that make me? You've made me think, as actually the guys I know who do have more or mostly female friends, when I think about it now have either been raised by their mother, or were very close to their mother, or their father was there, but died at a young age. Perhaps it's what you are used to. If you're used to talking with women, sharing emotionally and all that stuff that women (in general) tend to do more naturally than men, well then of course you will gravitate to people who you can do that with, which will most likely be other women. One guy I know, has said much the same about his male friends now and from the past, the going out getting drunk and picking up chicks and not being really able to talk about anything is the reason he prefers to hang out with girls - however, he is a bit doormatty, I didn't think he was, but I've recently seen that he let's people walk all over him - in contrast to a good friend of his and mine, who is that 'stereotypical man', chasing girls, not talking about anything too deeply, but who has more boundaries and knows when to put his foot down. I don't think either process is wrong - i.e. if you're happy to drink your sorrows away or just be a 'manly' man, or if you prefer to go down the other 'feminine' route.
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