br0ken_w0lf Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 This is a question that has been bugging me for quite a while now so I'm finally asking So I'm one of those people who simply doesn't keep a lot of friends in my circle; in fact, my circle largely consists of me a lot of the time. I just seem to find it difficult to maintain friendships, get out with people on a regular basis, etc. I'd say I have a couple of acquaintances but that's it. My really good friends (also a small number) are on the other side of the country and I just haven't really made any good friends where I live now. I admire the hell out of people that *can* do this (one of my ex-girlfriends for one) however. So, I guess I'm wondering if women out there would see this as an issue in a dating scenario? I almost feel embarrassed with my situation and may be blowing it out of proportion but I *am* curious... I guess I should also mention that I'm certainly capable of hanging out with people (I don't have full-blown Tourette's or anything and I'm not rude to people at all ) but I just don't make the time, a lot of the time. Comments?
pwnstigator Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 The biggest problem you'll face is that you're going to have drastically different amounts of free time. You don't want to be more available than she is, and keep in mind that most women pretend to be significantly more busy than they actually are. This is because women tend to equate being constantly busy with high social desirability, whereas men equate it with poor time management and not being in control of one's life. Make friends. Go to coffee shops, bars, whatever. Make yourself available, and realize that making good friends takes time and involves a lot of trial and error, false starts, et cetera. Even if this doesn't help you find a girlfriend, it's a good idea nonetheless.
nobody's girl Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Well as a female in the same situation, I don't see anything wrong with it. Funny thing is it makes me look like I have tons of friends since it always seems like I'm saying "Oh a friend of mine said," or "Oh a friend of mine had the same situation" It's just that the friend isn't someone I see regularly or even see anymore. Personally, I like it that way. Otherwise things seems like they would be boring and stagnant if I hung around with the same people all the time. I like meeting new people, even if it's just for a short time. Just my opinion, though.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Also, I've noted, each of us is different in how we define what a friend is. To me, it is generally a longer lasting association where we socialize together in public as well as share more private moments at each others homes without large groups. As I think I mentioned to my wife on more than one occasion, people aren't my friend until they've accepted an invitation for a home-cooked meal at my home. If they make it though that and I hear from them again, they're really a friend Seriously, though, we're all different. I would only be concerned about a woman who said she lacked a number of friends if it was shared as a complaint and if her words and her actions didn't match or if she otherwise showed signs of emotional instability. As men tend to be more 'independent' than women, it's more common for a man to have a few good friends and a wider circle of acquaintances and associations. Some men describe the latter as 'friends'. That's cool. It's what they feel
Un-Conventional Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I think it would only be an issue if the lack of friends causes u to constantly be around ur GF, so you would be coming off as clingy, but u said u do go out with people even if they are just acquaintances. Now of course I'm a guy so I can't fully comment on whether women see this as a problem or not but as long as u are able to occupy ur when you guys are apart whether its with friends, hobbies,or something I think u will be fine.
Bayern Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I know exactly how you feel. I'm like that in large part. I keep few close friends, while I do not maintain a large entourage of people. I would just have to agree with everyone else in saying that it really depends on how you go about using your time. If you can enjoy staying at home and hanging out (which I assume you do) then it will not be a huge problem. If you want to go hang out with your gf all the time it may become one. Good luck.
paddington bear Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I dated a guy with only one friend. I had significantly more friends than him and it led to difficulties in terms of the fact that I found it hard to include him and them in my life, as he didn't seem to have any life outside of me, and I grew to resent that I had to be his girlfriend and best friend and male buddies all rolled into one. Also, for me anyway, it's nice when your guy calls you and tells you about what experiences he's had with other people and I would hope the same would work in reverse. I think it helps keep your relationship more healthy and each party keeps their individuality, otherwise the person with less friends can become too reliant on their SO to fulfil all their needs, as mentioned above, and things can just stagnate. And then, just from my own experience, there were the times that I thought goddammit, I wish he had some buddies to go and play poker with or something, I just need some time to myself and now I feel guilty if I'm not keeping him company, so I ended up feeling resentful of his lack of friends. I guess if you are self-reliant and are happy to keep yourself amused and don't rely on your partner to fulfill every emotional need, then the lack of friends nearby wouldn't be a problem. It's lack of friends combined with neediness that would be a problem...but then neediness is always a problem I guess..
D-Lish Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I don't know if it would be a deal breaker for me, but I would definetely wonder if there was an issue forging long term bonds, and whether this would translate to avoidance of commitment in your romantic life.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Perhaps relevant to another current thread, the issue I've had over the years is maintaining long-term platonic friendships with women, mainly because BF's or H's get territorial. As I noted prior, my psychology trends more towards fewer friends but with long term (like decades) and substantial emotional investment. I think my longest term female friendship was about 10 years, until she got married. A couple of my male friends are now pushing 20 years. All are/were adult friends, not outgrowths of school, etc. Interestingly, my wife used to complain about me not having enough friends and that I was always around. Very true as my shop is where I live and I love where I live. I also have a huge number of interests and am always involved in something and travel a lot. So, when I was around, I was around too much. When I was gone, I wasn't around. As you can see, we had some issues Now that I'll be single again, I really don't care how women feel about my friendship style. I accept and support their friendships and their style of socializing and expect a compatible partner to accept and support mine, or else we're ....drum roll... incompatible. I'm not playing those games again
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks for the replies, definitely some good discussion here! I'm not too concerned about the difference in free time thing; I have my own hobbies that I enjoy on my own and I do enjoy my alone time for sure. I think D-Lish touched on what I would be partly worried about i.e. a woman might think, "hmmm, why doesn't this guy have any friends?...". But I'm not a commitment-phobe and, in fact, was married and now divorced and just wanting to dip my toes in the dating pool again (hence, the question ). Carhill, as usual, I think you have the right attitude, which is not to worry about it. If someone accepts it, great; if not, it probably won't work anyway. I think all of this came about from my own insecurity of checking out a couple of dating sites and seeing everyone saying, "... and I have tons of great friends...". Then I began thinking of my own situation which is a bad thing
Bayern Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Then I began thinking of my own situation which is a bad thing It's only bad if you make it.
Butterflying Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 It depends on what you mean by lack of friends. When I think of a friend, I think of someone who knows all my secrets, whom I love and trust. And the same is reciprocated from them as well. Everybody needs at least one "friend" on this earth whom they can relate to and share life with. It's great if that friend is close enough geographically to spend a lot of time with in social settings. People who manage to have more than one "friend" are very fortunate. But I think most people have social aquaintances (not friends) who keep them very busy. These aquaintances serve a variety of purposes in a person's life. I admire people who give friendship a priority over social aquaintances. I believe people who can't function on their own without being surrounded by "social aquaintances" is a sign of insecurity. I stay away from men who claim to have a lot of friends, especially if they occupy so much of his time that he doesn't have time for me;)
Recommended Posts