My fiance left me and made strange excuses--feeling so betrayed

[RedDevil66]

The saddest part about all this, or at least the most confusing, is that my ex had his heart broken. His first serious gf cheated on him and left. You would think that would teach someone compassion and wisdom. Apparently not. All it did was make him fear getting hurt and abandoned. It is very sad.

 

And thank you, LisaUk. It is HIS problem. I'm starting to realize that.

 

No, I would think that experience left him TERRIFIED and he's now the dumper before he becomes the dumpee again.

He's an immature person and TRUST ME, in a few months down the road, you will see you dodged a HUGE bullet. Imagine you had a home and kids with this baby-la-la, he would have run and left you with all that.

 

He's going to have a very sad life

[broken_promises]

My ex-fiance did that to his 2 previous ex gfs. In fact, with one of them, she went to buy milk at the store and he packed a duffel bag and took a taxi to the airport. He then bought a ticket to Germany. Once he was there, he called the gf and said it was over. For whatever reason, I didn't hear this story and run. I stayed.

 

And now, he has run from me. And I've no doubt that he already has someone new or will within a month. That has been his m.o. for the past 10 years. I'm still angry at myself for thinking that I would be different!/QUOTE]

 

Yes, unfortunately that is the MO of the commitment phobe. They are very good at convincing you that YOU are unlike all of the other poor exes in the long line of exes. That they have just been waiting to meet YOU. And they are also really good at telling you how their exes contributed to the breakdown of the past relationships... again, completely deflecting blame. They get you on their side, so to speak, and you start thinking how awful those mean ol' exes were to this great guy!!! Until the same things start happening to you. I remember a distinct moment last summer where I started thinking, "Huh... I wonder if this is how his ex-wife was feeling."

 

I have actually fantasized about contacting his two last exes on Facebook and seeing if they would concur with my assessment of my ex and share our similarities. But then, I thought that would look kind of psycho. I have also wanted to warn the new girl he is wooing, but again... trying not to look like a crazy, stalking ex-g/f.

 

I also continue to beat myself up over thinking this really was going to be different even though I could see his history that he told me about re-occuring with me. The thing that gets me through is to keep reminding myself that this was NOT something with me but something with his inability to commit. I have to continue to remind myself that I was his longest relationship ever (3-1/2 years) and he is 37. We lasted longer than his one marriage, even. I guess the best thing I got out of this is that I know that this is a pattern I will be able to recognize and RUN from if I date someone like this again.

[Exit]

I have actually fantasized about contacting his two last exes on Facebook and seeing if they would concur with my assessment of my ex and share our similarities. But then, I thought that would look kind of psycho. I have also wanted to warn the new girl he is wooing, but again... trying not to look like a crazy, stalking ex-g/f.

 

I think the same thing sometimes about contacting the last guy my ex was with before me, especially because I probably caused him a lot of pain by allowing her to start seeing me immediately. I feel like there's a potential reconciliation with him in the fact that we could bond over how crappy that girl really is. But I'm not going to risk it. If the other guy has been healing for 2 years I don't need to remind him what happened.

 

I hope my common sense takes over soon and I stop missing her. Despite all the things I've realized about her, I'm still sitting here missing her.

[frustrated&sad]

Ah, EXIT, I feel your pain! But are you really missing her or the image of what you thought she was? Obviously, she is somewhat different than you thought. Think of how much she has hurt you. I don't know if you are into self-help books, but I recently read a book called Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott. I have never picked up a book like this in my life. I've actually always been rather snobby about self books. I was so desperate 2 weeks after the breakup, so hurt, so lost, that I bought it. It has brought me a lot of comfort. There is also a really great excercise in it called the Relationship Invetory, which I recommend anyone with a broken heart do.

 

When I sleep, I wake up every morning around 2 or 3 am with an anxiety attack, and my thoughts immediately turn to how much I miss my ex. So I know how you feel. I realize that all this is a blessing in disguise, and yet...the pain is not dulled. My trick? I journal. Everytime I feel sad, confused, angry, hurt, broken, and more, I begin to write. anything. And sometimes just the act of writing is soothing. It helps with the pain.

 

Also, in some strange way, it is better to feel the pain, to miss her, than to feel nothing and move on with the snap of your fingers (like your ex). We all need time to grieve the death of something. And you should realize that this only makes you more human, more open to other people. Look at how much good you've already done for others on this website!

 

And we all have to realize, myself very much included, that one day the pain will go away. And we will be stronger if we learn from it all. And we can love ourselves more.

 

BROKEN PROMISES: Thank you. Your posting is great and spot-on. I feel like I had deja-vu when I read your post. It gave me the chills. I thought it was something I wrote myself. My heart goes out to you, too.

[Exit]

Thanks frustrated&sad. I've been on the forums just about all day today, and it has been helping me a lot to have people to talk to, especially those of you whose ex's seem so similar.

 

I'm aware of the fact that I am missing a false image of her. I know she wasn't that great. I even think of the times she wanted to take a break during the relationship, and way back then I should have told her we were done. I keep going down the list of everything she did wrong, and get disgusted that she's already with someone new, and keep telling myself she isn't worth missing. But so far I still do.

 

I have the same problem at night. Sometimes I wake up way too early, and my thoughts and my heart start racing, and I'm stuck unable to fall back asleep. Or if I do manage to sleep through the entire night, when I wake up, she is the first thing on my mind, and I start the day feeling terrible until I can somewhat shake it off.

 

I am not opposed to those kind of books. I recently read "Change your thoughts, change your life" by Wayne Dyer, and learned a lot about letting go, accepting that life is leading me down a different path, etc etc. It is hard to remember this when I feel awful though. Maybe I will check out that book you mentioned.

 

I probably should journal a bit more often. I have written her a few letters that I ended up not sending, and I know it felt good just to get the thoughts out of my head.

 

I feel like I have no backbone right now. I'm being such a baby over a year and a half. I know there are people going through so much worse. I know I always take breakups incredibly hard and eventually feel better, yet I keep telling myself I'll never get over her.

[frustrated&sad]

I have to smile at your post Exit. I, too, have been reading posts all day today.

 

And I am somewhat relieved to hear about your sleeping patterns. I have the same problem with the waking up even when I sleep. Racing heart, and my thoughts immediately turn to him. Do you have the nervous stomach, too? Almost like butterflies, but worse? When I wake up feeling this way, I can't go back to sleep. I've been trying a few tricks--maybe they will help. I try to take deep breaths for 2-3 minutes and I think in my head "No thoughts." Sounds corny, but my therapist recommened it. (Yes, I started therapy. It's been really helpful.)

 

Or, something else I've been doing. When I wake up at a normal hour and my thoughts turn to him, I turn on music. Peppy or loud music. For me, stuff like The Ramones, The Clash, David Bowie, NIN, Green Day--something like that. Even when I feel awful, like someone kicked me in the stomach, I turn on my Ipod and I make myself sing, dance, sway, or hop. It always makes me feel a little better.

 

Also: you shouldn't feel bad that you are so upset over 1.5 yrs. You have every right to be! Some people are true lovers, and when they give their love, they give it all. And you sound like that kind of person. And there is no shame in that! I am the same way. When I fall in love, I fall hard. But I would never change that about myself. And you certainly have a backbone! The fact that you are posting on these fora, asking for help and giving it means you want to get past this. That takes courage. So don't be so hard on yourself! (I'll try to take my own advice, too)

 

When you feel like you won't get over her, write a list of all the great things you have in your life. My list includes things like: I have a roof over my head, great friends, youth, love of others, and sensitivity to others. The journaling really works. I write a daily letter to my ex. I try not to even think about what I'm writing. I just write. I bring that damn journal everywhere. If I start feeling weird about anything, I pull it out and write. It's like my little leatherbound crutch. I've become quite attached to it.

 

I'm definitely going to check out the book you mentioned. I REALLY think you'll like the book I listed. It sounds write up your alley based on what you've written in your most recent post. It's been very helpful for me. It put everything in perspective. It didn't make the pain any less, but it made me realize that one day I am really going to be happy about all this.

 

Oh, and one final note. I've been trying to do activities that I love to get me out of my funk. I love to cook, so I'm taking some cooking classes on Greek and Thai cooking. I've always wanted to take a spin class, so I just signed up. I thought that with all this heartache, maybe doing some things for me, nurturing myself with activities I love, perhaps this might help. I also thought it would be a great way to get out of bed, my house, my mental prison. Perhaps you might try something like this!

[Exit]

Yeah, I get the nervous stomach feeling too. I try to slow down my breathing as well.

 

I'm honestly considering therapy. I want to know why I've never broken up with anyone even when I know it's going bad. I want to know why I'm torturing myself over this. I'll see how this week goes, and if I still feel bad, I might make an appointment.

 

For the last few hours, I think it started sinking in, the pain just kind of faded to a dull depressed feeling. Kind of defeated I guess, I know now there's nothing I can do.

 

I think I will start writing my thoughts down, not just because of her, but because I feel like I need to get "centered" again. I feel like I'm not always in touch with who I am anymore. So I will probably try that.

 

I've also been doing as many activities as possible. Been working out a lot again, and watching what I eat. Every time I make it out of the kitchen without snacking on comfort food, I feel like it's a victory, because I'm going to get in shape before she ever sees me again. I went to two concerts on two separate nights this weekend. Saturday night I couldn't find parking and almost wanted to go back home and cry, but I told myself not to give in, and I ended up having a good night with my friends. I just need to find a job and maybe go back to school.

 

i think I'll be able to sleep tonight.

[Exit]

Crap! I was looking through my friend's myspace friends for a completely different reason, and the guy is on there! Ahh it sent a rush through my whole body having to see that picture again.

[frustrated&sad]

Sorry, Exit! Pictures are really the worst. I am so sorry you had to see it. I've been trying to avoid anything like that, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

 

Just remember: anything related to her is a stimulus. Like a drug. I've been trying to stay away from my ex-fiance--NC, but it is REALLY hard. Every time I get an email from him or his name comes up in conversation, this little part of me is thrilled and upset all at once. He really is like heroin or something.

 

Also, feel sorry for that guy. He has no idea what he's gotten himself into! You are in a much better place--or will be. I promise. I write these words knowing that I will be better too. It just takes time and introspection.

[D-Lish]

I write these words knowing that I will be better too. It just takes time and introspection.

 

It does take time! But trust me- I now look back at my ex and have no clue how I was ever into him.

 

I know that feeling of being excited and sick at the same time, it sucks, but it goes away.

 

I found it best to sever all contact. I really do gather strength when I apply NC.

[Exit]

I should be ok from this point on. I got a job today so no more sitting at home all week long. IF I ever accidentally come across that picture again, I think I'll stare at it until the sickness dies down, but I don't plan on seeing it again.

 

f&s, I'm glad you're doing good with your NC. It's a reality check for me when I'm freaking out over the loss of a gf, some people here have to say "ex-fiance". I'm glad I never got far enough to buy her a ring.

 

I hope we all continue healing!

[frustrated&sad]

Thanks, D-Lish and Exit. Without even knowing who you both are, your last two posts were quite helpful.

 

May the healing continue for all of us!

 

[i'm still trying to avoid those pictures...]

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, unfortunately that is the MO of the commitment phobe. They are very good at convincing you that YOU are unlike all of the other poor exes in the long line of exes. That they have just been waiting to meet YOU. And they are also really good at telling you how their exes contributed to the breakdown of the past relationships... again, completely deflecting blame. They get you on their side, so to speak, and you start thinking how awful those mean ol' exes were to this great guy!!! Until the same things start happening to you. I remember a distinct moment last summer where I started thinking, "Huh... I wonder if this is how his ex-wife was feeling."

God, just reading this, I feel so stupid all over again for getting pulled in by him. Like many commitment phobes, he was extremely charming and persuasive. Damn, could he sell it (he was an actual salesman, and a great one). I fell hook, line, and sinker for his BS about how I was the one he'd been looking for all his life. Ugh. :sick:

 

He's the only ex I completely cut out of my life. I have had my moments of wanting to contact him, but thinking about all this makes me so glad I haven't, and reinforces my commitment not to have anything to do with him.