My fiance left me and made strange excuses--feeling so betrayed

July 18, 2009

A month ago my fiance called me when I was 3,000 miles away from home. He asked me how my day was, and then proceeded to listen to me talk about my day. When I asked him how his day was, he told me he had moved out of our house and it was over. I was in total shock. He had told me he was looking at houses for us to buy earlier in the week, and had called me every day on my trip to tell me that he loved me. We had talked every day. Everything seemed normal. When I asked him why he did this, his response was that we aren't the right people for one another and we don't have personalities that work well together.

Mind you, we've been together 3.5 years, engaged for 1.5. His news came from nowhere. There wasn't any fighting beforehand.I hadn't noticed any blatantly bizarre behavior.

After a few days had passed, he told me that he couldn't be with me more specifically because I'm verbally abusive and controlling. I had no idea what to make of that--no one in my life has ever told me such things! I asked him to explain. He said that because I once told him how to steep his tea or snapped on the phone when I was in a bad mood or got cranky once after spending 3 hours in the 95 degree heat with no water or shared my feelings with him when I felt hurt or because I once suggested he not eat a doughnut after he had complained about feeling chubby--these make me verbally abusive and controlling. I was in total shock. Then he told me had been keeping a list since December of every time he felt I did something wrong. Another moment of shock. He had also tried to remember every instance before December that he felt pegged me as a verbally abusive, controlling person. When I asked him about looking at houses, etc., he just said he was buying himself time to get away. That was so hurtful.

What is still bothering me about all this is the betrayal. I can't get over how cowardly he went about this whole process. And he took no responsibility. Also, he seems to have forgotten times when he himself has been less than stellar. Thanksgiving this past year was not so great. He punched 2 holes in the wall. He told me I was trash, a piece of ****, a cunt, etc. because he had become angry over something my dad said. Then he told my dad he never would speak to him again--without telling me first.

He broke up with me on multiple occassions over the past 9 months. Only for hours at a time, but over such trivial things as "You didn't say hello warmly enough to me." The drama continues. After the breakup, he said he's been wanting to do this for months. Now that it is all over, I guess it makes sense to some degree. What I can't help but feel confused over is WHY he didn't say something sooner. He never said he was unhappy. He never talked to me about anything on such a scale.

I guess I am just looking for anyone's thoughts on how to move on. I don't miss him anymore really. I've never been hurt by someone so much in my whole life. The betrayal and lying just keeps playing over in my head. I;m still not able to sleep. I have panic attacks and nightmares.

I'm also afraid that I will have a hard time trusting someone after this. My ex-fiance has told me up until the week I was away that I am the most amazing woman he's ever met, that he can't wait to marry me, that I am wonderful. After all this, I am almost starting to feel like I was either blinded by love or refusing to believe what I saw was there.

Any ideas?

July 18, 2009

I have experienced many of the same things.

You are a victim of someone who doesn't care two farts to make an effort to communicate in a relationship. Keeping a list of all the things he felt you did wrong? How silly that is, unless he was willing to sit down and talk to you about it.

This is the exact same type of person as my ex gf. There are some people who just sit back, kick up their feet, and watch the relationship fail. They'll never tell you that they're unhappy, they're just expecting things to work by pure magic. They think if you love them, you wouldn't be doing these things in the first place. But in reality sometimes we all just need a little reminder or a wakeup call that we've been behaving like jerks.

Look at it this way, that doesn't sound like someone worth marrying. Marriage requires communication. What was he going to do, spend his entire life with a secret notebook filled with all the things you did wrong, and never talk to you about it?

I will never understand people like that who refuse to communicate. I made it SO easy on my ex by always telling her how I felt. Meanwhile she expected me to read her mind. I know when someone really loves me, they will communicate with me.

I know none of this is going to help you right now. I am destroyed over a 1.5yr relationship, yours lasted even longer, plus an engagement.

Also lets not rule out the obvious fear of commitment that comes with engagements and house shopping. He says all the reasons for breaking up have to do with you, but maybe he is covering up the fact that he is scared to settle down.

I feel for you 100%. I would have done anything for my ex if she just sat down and talked to me about it, instead of keeping her feelings a secret. Some people are just spoiled and expect that they should never have to ask for anything, so they don't communicate.

July 18, 2009

hey Exit.

That was an excellent post.

I was also in a very similar position as frustrated&sad and the feeling of betrayal took a lot out of me.

frustrated&sad, please re-read Exit's comment again in a week.

All the best!

July 18, 2009

Firstly, I am very sorry that this happened to you. I don't agree at all with the way he treated you. As far as the list things goes, to be honest, I am going to do something slightly like that with my next bf....only because I've been treated like crap in my past two relationships and I need to be able to identify red flags, so I do plan on journaling about my experiences with my next bf. But that doesn't mean someone should just keep a list and then say it's over. If he started to feel bad about the relationship, he could have gone to you and said something like "there are things you have said that really hurt my feelings." He could have asked you to work things out with him...maybe even gone to a couple's councelor, instead of letting these things build up and saying "Here's my list. I'm leaving."

But I do want to point out something...the fact that he called you a cunt...that is terrible. That was a huge, HUGE red flag that this person may not be the right person for you. That is a degrading, disgusting word to call someone.

What he did...pretending to look for a house for the two of you and telling you that he wants to marry you when he didn't want to...oh gosh, this man is an arse wipe. You are so much better off without him.

I have a feeling there were many red flags with this person that you did not see, or did not want to see. When you feel better, you can evaluate your relationship and learn from it. That will come with time.

We are all here for you. Read over some of the other threads...you can really learn a lot in this forum.

July 18, 2009

Frustrated, I am in an amazingly similar situation. My not-quite-ex-yet told me that he had to take some time to think about things after we were preparing to put an offer on a house Monday. Our marriage was supposed to take place in less than a month. We had been together for six years with a few breaks here and there whenever his mommy stuck her nose into his business and told him he couldn't do it (we're in our thirties). The breakdown this time around is for much the same reason: his mother hates me and doesn't want him to do it.

As I write this, it boggles my own mind to think that I'm having even a moment's hesitation to end this, myself, rather than let it linger the way it has been all week. If history is any indicator, he'll want to pretend that nothing happened, but I know in my heart that the central issue is unresolved, and it's doomed to failure.

This guy has the same issues with the lack of communication. If we'd have an argument about anything at all, no matter how big or small it was, he'd want to sweep it under the rug and just not deal with it. He couldn't handle the stress, he said. What that led to was festering resentment on his part, while I just sat and did the same things that stressed him out, never really knowing that it was having that kind of an effect on him until it was too late.

What Exit said was spot on. People who manage to get very far into adulthood at all without the ability to communicate -- and who are, in fact, afraid of communicating -- have far deeper issues to conquer before a healthy relationship with them is even possible. If someone is capable of the kind of unconditional love that is synonymous with marriage, he would tell you these things in the interest of making the relationship work. If he doesn't tell you, it's because he can't be arsed to, and that should tell you (and me) all you (and I) need to know.

I am being helped tremendously at the moment by holding onto all the things I chose to overlook throughout the past six years, rather than cling to what was good about the relationship. With each passing minute, I'm realizing that I overlooked a LOT, and that the complaint he lodged about me -- that I hold him to his promises (oh, the humanity!!!) and get upset when he doesn't follow through -- pales in comparison to all of it. He's making things unnecessarily messy by sending me messages every so often to tell me that he loves me and that he hasn't given up on this, but the more I step back and look at it, I think I'm placing that ball back in my court. This should really be my call; not his.

As it's been said before, we're all here for you. I'm wishing you all the best.

*hugs*

July 18, 2009

This thread is therapeutic for me, lots of people going through the very same thing.

Justdana I know how you feel about being the one to overlook their faults. I overlooked a lot and maybe it was a mistake on my part.

These type of people feel like "if i have to ask you for what I want, it doesn't mean anything". This is a very childish way to think. Asking someone for what you want, and having them love you enough to do whatever it is you ask of them, is no less valuable then having them read your mind and do it without a verbal request. In one of the letters I wrote her post break-up, I told her "I would have done anything you asked of me. But you're too proud to ask for what you want. This is why we couldn't work".

I hate that I still miss her even though I know all this. And I know if she ever came back, and tried to do the same "sweep it under the rug and ignore it" fix, I would have to have the nerve to finally say no.

July 18, 2009

It seems to me that your ex has issues...and that it goes way deeper than what he is saying.

I disagree with the notion that he just wanted the relationship to fail and sat idly by...trust me, a lot of times things are not as black and white or cut and dry as that. If you do not have issues or particular issues things that seem common sense, simple and easy to you may not be to the person with issues.

His behavior is clearly absurd and abnormal....just like my exes and I later realized that he has a problem communicating feelings and emotions based on his attachment style which is one that is insecure. It is no fault of his really why he is like that and I think he knows something is wrong but doesnt know what it is and doesn't even know how to begin to address it....

Not saying you should chase down your ex...but it is worth a look at it to really examine his behavior over the course of the relationship, point out everything you feel is strange/abnormal/off putting and doesn't feel right...do a little research and you may find that this person is not just an a-hole but may be suffering from some issue that hinders the way he communicates, reacts, etc.

I found that out with my ex. Now it doesn't make me less upset at him and we haven't gotten back together and we aren't really friends...but I had peace of mind that it wasn't me or our relationship but HIM and no matter who he is with it would be the same because of his unresolved issues. It also made me feel less hate and anger as I realized he was not being malicious but he is dysfunctional.....

July 18, 2009

Wow, sounds a lot like the ex that brought me to LS a few years ago!

I am pretty sure he was making a list of my downfalls from the moment we started dating and storing them up. He never spoke to me about his issues with me directly, and when he broke up with me he spewed venom at me and listed all my character flaws.

I realized afterward that he was so issue laden himself and couldn't face himself.

Honestly, the guy sounds like a coward. He sat in waiting storing up resentment, even creating things to resent you for, so when the moment came- he could throw a pile of crap on you without feeling any guilt or remorse or acceptance of personal responsibility. He also chose to spring this on you while you are away, over the phone- another cowardly move.

As much as it hurts- I think you'll realize (as I did) down the road, how much better off you are being out of this relationship.

July 18, 2009

I am trying to accept some of those realizations that you mentioned, Beeotch. Not that I want to give myself false hope, or cheer myself up by thinking that my ex's relationships will fail, but I truly think she will never find happiness until she gets the guts to look in the mirror and figure out what her problems are. For now, she chooses to just jump from relationship to relationship with eerily similar guys, hoping that by some sort of magic, she'll find a guy she can get along with without having to make any sort of effort. Until she learns to communicate, and confront problems instead of avoid them, I don't think it will work out for her.

I'm doing my best to stop beating myself up. I do need to acknowledge that much of it WAS her fault. I'm more than willing to accept my share of the blame, but I'm not going to tell myself that she was perfect.

D-lish, the ex you're describing again sounds so incredibly similar to the people we are discussing in this thread. Scary that they all fit the same mold so well. Do these people really expect a relationship can ever be a success if you sit there and bottle up your feelings until one day it becomes too much?

July 18, 2009

Also lets not rule out the obvious fear of commitment that comes with engagements and house shopping. He says all the reasons for breaking up have to do with you, but maybe he is covering up the fact that he is scared to settle down.

I went through something similar to this myself. (What is it about the 3.5 year mark!?!) My ex was definitely a commitment phobe and it sounds like that is what you have here too. And I also have the irony of my ex saying that he felt that I had an underlying level of anger for him after he bailed on the first time we were supposed to get an apartment together. He didn't seem to see that maybe it was that he totally pulled the rug out from under me and then proceeded to YELL at me on that and a few other occasions that effectively kept my anger in check for the rest of our relationship. He also put a hole in a wall. How did my anger manifest? Apparently wanting to, you know, find out what he was wanting for the future of our relationship and then looking angry/upset when he couldn't give me a commitment.

Your ex sounds like a TOTAL douche. I know with my ex, he put all the focus on what I was doing wrong in the relationship so that it wouldn't be directed at him. ANY attempt to talk about his role in the end of our relationship was met with hostility and passive-aggressive comments and turning it around on me. I think commitment phobes do that because they want to deflect all blame off of them and then force you to focus on what you should have done differently - even if they weren't telling you anything they were unhappy about until the end.

It sounds like that is what your ex wants you to do. What a total ass. Seriously - I know it is easier said than done but don't waste a second trying to figure out how you should have/could have done things differently. He just wanted to, in no way, be implicated as the one flaking out on this relationship and put all the blame on you.

July 18, 2009

D-lish, the ex you're describing again sounds so incredibly similar to the people we are discussing in this thread. Scary that they all fit the same mold so well. Do these people really expect a relationship can ever be a success if you sit there and bottle up your feelings until one day it becomes too much?

I think people like this have an expectation of failure from the get go.

They also set things up so it's never going to be their fault. That's how they justify things to themselves- and it's also how they sleep at night.

July 18, 2009

I know with my ex, he put all the focus on what I was doing wrong in the relationship so that it wouldn't be directed at him. ANY attempt to talk about his role in the end of our relationship was met with hostility and passive-aggressive comments and turning it around on me. I think commitment phobes do that because they want to deflect all blame off of them and then force you to focus on what you should have done differently - even if they weren't telling you anything they were unhappy about until the end.

They also set things up so it's never going to be their fault. That's how they justify things to themselves- and it's also how they sleep at night.

Wow, the connections that keep popping up are uncanny. My ex is exactly the same. We could NEVER discuss any part that she may have played in the failure of our relationship. It was always about me. You are 100% right that this is how they justify their actions to themselves. They have no doubt in their twisted minds that they didn't do anything wrong. Maybe on some level deep down they know, and they just refuse to face it.

July 19, 2009

Wow, the connections that keep popping up are uncanny. My ex is exactly the same. We could NEVER discuss any part that she may have played in the failure of our relationship. It was always about me. You are 100% right that this is how they justify their actions to themselves. They have no doubt in their twisted minds that they didn't do anything wrong. Maybe on some level deep down they know, and they just refuse to face it.

I think that accepting any part of the responsibility is precisely what they go out of their to way to deceive themselves about. To accept that they contribute to their own failures is to accept that they are a failure. An insecurity I imagine they have long been struggling with.

The key to dealing with people like this is to recognize that this issue belongs to them- not us.

My ex said horrible, unwarranted things to me when he dumped me- and I walked around with that burden for a long time. I hope the OP doesn't do this.

Just because he said you're controlling and verbally abusive doesn't make it the truth. It's just the way he had to spin the truth to himself in order to absolve himself of any guilt or responsibility.

July 19, 2009

I have to say that all these posts have been tremendously helpful. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with such thoughtful answers and wonderful insight. I'm glad to know that this thread is also helping some of you who have and posted responses. I'll have to think about all this tonight and write something more tomorrow. I will definitely have to revisit these posts over the next few weeks.

July 19, 2009

I am trying to accept some of those realizations that you mentioned, Beeotch. Not that I want to give myself false hope, or cheer myself up by thinking that my ex's relationships will fail, but I truly think she will never find happiness until she gets the guts to look in the mirror and figure out what her problems are. For now, she chooses to just jump from relationship to relationship with eerily similar guys, hoping that by some sort of magic, she'll find a guy she can get along with without having to make any sort of effort. Until she learns to communicate, and confront problems instead of avoid them, I don't think it will work out for her.

I'm doing my best to stop beating myself up. I do need to acknowledge that much of it WAS her fault. I'm more than willing to accept my share of the blame, but I'm not going to tell myself that she was perfect.

D-lish, the ex you're describing again sounds so incredibly similar to the people we are discussing in this thread. Scary that they all fit the same mold so well. Do these people really expect a relationship can ever be a success if you sit there and bottle up your feelings until one day it becomes too much?

Wow this is my ex to the TEEEEEEEEE!

It is rather sad...but some people have to learn the hard way.

July 19, 2009

Wow, the connections that keep popping up are uncanny. My ex is exactly the same. We could NEVER discuss any part that she may have played in the failure of our relationship. It was always about me. You are 100% right that this is how they justify their actions to themselves. They have no doubt in their twisted minds that they didn't do anything wrong. Maybe on some level deep down they know, and they just refuse to face it.

Oh they know....which is why they go out of their way to avoid it and deny it or are hostile when you bring it up.

As one poster said...these people are now experts at running away from their issues and problems...but eventually it catches up with them.

It is really sad though, as the time spent in denial and running away, only compiles your problems and at the end of it you have more damage done and more things to face.

We KNOW when we're wrong. Unless you are a sociopath with no conscience, no moral compass, no idea of anything. Even when we don't admit it out loud or to others we have an uneasy feeling lurking in the back of our minds that we're not being truthful with ourselves and that something is wrong....eventually you have to face it. Often times though these people have to go through something traumatic or awful or come to a point when their issues have pushed everyone away and they have hit rock bottom before they finally face it.

July 19, 2009

Yeah, it's nice to sit here and think that one day it'll catch up to her and she'll finally realize how awful she was, but on the other hand, life isn't fair, and some jerks on this planet get through life without ever having to face up to what they've done. I hope one day my ex does go through an experience that makes her look at herself. And I know exactly what it needs to be, someone needs to dump her. She has never been dumped. She is always the one leaving out of nowhere. She needs to have her heart broken and see things from the other perspective. I don't want to wish hurt or pain on her, but rather for her benefit, I hope one day something does wake her up.

You are right, they must know deep down what they are doing. My ex was the sweetest soft-spoken girl in the world. But since the breakup, any time I try to ask if she sees how BOTH of us could have done a better job, not just me, her answers were always incredibly cold and snappy and bitchy, and I know that is proof that she is trying to put on a tough exterior and prevent any of these ideas from actually getting into her head and making her think about what she did. She's been incredibly cold and terrible to me, but I know the coldness is also her way of not having to experience the pain she should rightfully be feeling over all of this. It's not just that she wants to give me these quick heartless answers to my questions, it's that she doesn't want to even allow herself to sit there and analyze what really went wrong.

Still, knowing all this about her, I miss her and I want to punch myself for it.

July 19, 2009

I realize something. I thought I was the weak one...I couldn't let him go, I was the one who has been crying for over 2 months. But you know what? My ex is the one who was weak. He ran and didn't look back. He didn't want to talk about the collapse of our relationship. He didn't want to feel anything from it. He put all of self-doubts, pain and frustration into another relationship so he does not have to look at himself. He lies to himself and to me so that he can stomach looking in the mirror. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him. What a bastard, and that poor gal he's with now...she doesn't know what's coming. Gosh, he really is a loser.

July 19, 2009

Hi, I've just been/going through something very similar. My fiance left me after 18 years, 10 months before our wedding, coming out with all sorts of excuses I'd never heard before. He too had a problem with communication, but in his case as part of a wider commitment problem.

I totally understand the hurt and betrayal you are experiencing and well, just the shock of it all, to be blantly lied to and strung along, not at all nice feeling.

The thing is, this is HIS problem, not yours, he is projecting his own insecruities onto you.

To the other lady who posted her wedding is in a month and her fiance is messing her about, you sound very strong, make the decision for him hunny, pull the plug, if he's waited until a month before and can't communicate, he obviously has problems with commitment. Until he can deal with this? There is nothing you can do. I feel for you, keep posting.

July 19, 2009

I realize something. I thought I was the weak one...I couldn't let him go, I was the one who has been crying for over 2 months. But you know what? My ex is the one who was weak. He ran and didn't look back. He didn't want to talk about the collapse of our relationship. He didn't want to feel anything from it. He put all of self-doubts, pain and frustration into another relationship so he does not have to look at himself. He lies to himself and to me so that he can stomach looking in the mirror. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him. What a bastard, and that poor gal he's with now...she doesn't know what's coming. Gosh, he really is a loser.

You worded that very well. I feel the same way. I saw the picture of her holding her new guy's hand with a big smile on her face, but somehow I sensed the sadness underneath that smile. And I feel sorry for the new guy because I could tell by his picture captions that he is already crazy about her, but it's only a matter of time before the same problems happen to them. Honestly I hope this is the guy to get sick of her crap and break up with her. I wish I had been strong enough to do it. The best thing for this girl's problems is to get dumped and deflate her ego.

You are right, they just run run run, into someone else's arms, making sure they never have time to stop and think about what they did.

July 19, 2009

You are so right, Exit. They do just run run run. My ex-fiance did that to his 2 previous ex gfs. In fact, with one of them, she went to buy milk at the store and he packed a duffel bag and took a taxi to the airport. He then bought a ticket to Germany. Once he was there, he called the gf and said it was over. For whatever reason, I didn't hear this story and run. I stayed.

And now, he has run from me. And I've no doubt that he already has someone new or will within a month. That has been his m.o. for the past 10 years. I'm still angry at myself for thinking that I would be different!

Like you, Exit, I feel bad for the next person, too. I wish that I could warn them, but it would never work.

The saddest part about all this, or at least the most confusing, is that my ex had his heart broken. His first serious gf cheated on him and left. You would think that would teach someone compassion and wisdom. Apparently not. All it did was make him fear getting hurt and abandoned. It is very sad.

And thank you, LisaUk. It is HIS problem. I'm starting to realize that.

July 19, 2009

The saddest part about all this, or at least the most confusing, is that my ex had his heart broken. His first serious gf cheated on him and left. You would think that would teach someone compassion and wisdom. Apparently not. All it did was make him fear getting hurt and abandoned. It is very sad.

This is a very powerful realization you've made about him. Yes for some people, getting hurt teaches them a lesson about compassion, but in other people, it creates a phobia of ever getting hurt again. So you truly are in a position to understand that all of this is HIS problem and you didn't really do anything wrong. He may be able to keep running and avoid the pain he once felt before, but he won't exactly be achieving true happiness either.

My ex didn't have any traumatic breakups in her past, but her parents are divorced and I think there may be some pain caused by her father, and maybe that contributes to her fear of people leaving. Just a few weeks before our breakup, I called her and told her we needed to talk, and she knew I wasn't too happy either, so maybe she took the chance to get up and run before I dumped her.

You and I are both guilty of feeling like we would be treated differently than the people in their past who got dumped and hurt. How could I have started dating someone who just walked away from a 4 year relationship? Part of me worried all along that some day the same thing would happen to me, and it did! It's not our responsibility to convince ourselves that they'll treat us differently, instead we should be guarding our hearts and make them PROVE that they aren't going to hurt us like they have everyone else.

Also I hope you don't mind that I'm spending so much time talking about MY ex in YOUR thread. I didn't mean to take over the discussion, but it seems like we are all talking about practically the same person!

July 19, 2009

I don't mind hearing about your ex at all, Exit. These posts are all therapeutic. Plus, it's nice to know that we are all not alone. I've been thinking about how such a person could exist for the last month. Now I realize that there are many more people who are like him. To me, that is still shocking. I really believe, though, that those of us who are sharing our broken hearts will come out better in the end. We've loved, and as long as we gave it our all, there shouldn't be any regrets.

And I agree with you about guarding our hearts more. I, too, worried from day one that one day my ex would go get milk and I'd get a phone call saying it was over. We even had a running joke about it. Any thoughts on how to make someone prove they wouldn't treat you that way? I would love to hear them!

July 19, 2009

Yeah, it's nice to sit here and think that one day it'll catch up to her and she'll finally realize how awful she was, but on the other hand, life isn't fair, and some jerks on this planet get through life without ever having to face up to what they've done. I hope one day my ex does go through an experience that makes her look at herself. And I know exactly what it needs to be, someone needs to dump her. She has never been dumped. She is always the one leaving out of nowhere. She needs to have her heart broken and see things from the other perspective. I don't want to wish hurt or pain on her, but rather for her benefit, I hope one day something does wake her up.

You are right, they must know deep down what they are doing. My ex was the sweetest soft-spoken girl in the world. But since the breakup, any time I try to ask if she sees how BOTH of us could have done a better job, not just me, her answers were always incredibly cold and snappy and bitchy, and I know that is proof that she is trying to put on a tough exterior and prevent any of these ideas from actually getting into her head and making her think about what she did. She's been incredibly cold and terrible to me, but I know the coldness is also her way of not having to experience the pain she should rightfully be feeling over all of this. It's not just that she wants to give me these quick heartless answers to my questions, it's that she doesn't want to even allow herself to sit there and analyze what really went wrong.

Still, knowing all this about her, I miss her and I want to punch myself for it.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I also know how that is. The bold statements above are exactly what I'm hoping for, too. Unfortunately, life isn't "fair" and some things will never catch up with you.

In fact, you can be WWII war criminal, move to Argentina and become the saint of the village and loved by all. The counter resets once you meet that new special someone, and the people left behind in your wake, are just memories and victims that have to learn that only they are responsible for their own feelings. Waiting for something to happen to the person is reactive. You should be getting proactive and improving yourself, once the healing has begun.

We gave everything and we got sucker punched where it hurts. But we learned that to win you need to step back in the ring. Most people are spectators and we're the main show.

Honestly, think about it. There are three possibilities to how they're thinking when they're sitting alone in their bedroom reflecting on a failed relationship:

a) They realised and recognised the hurt they projected upon someone else and have vowed to change, even though they would never apologise to you personally (guilt vs. pride)

b) They realised they are too weak and will continue to behave in the way they always have, hating themselves for destroying things they love

c) They are just oblivious to other people's feelings, i.e. no empathy/sociopathic

This is the answer I received from my ex (this is a direct quote):

"But you are right about the theraphy, maybe I'll get myself to do that, one day..." (that was the only line in her email). I guess my one is b). She'll continue running, it's her way of coping.

Now really, aren't we all glad that we're *not* together with that person? We're the people that don't understand those actions. We're the ones that think the other person is missing an "empathy" gene. We're more mature and able to communicate our feelings and how we tick. Full disclosure.

It's time to get in the ring people

July 19, 2009

Well the worst thought that crosses my mind is that she WILL learn a lesson from some of the things I talked to her about, and instead she'll use it to make her relationship with this new guy better, instead of ever giving me the chance. But I don't think this is the case. One of the key things she said in her last letter to me was that she had been spending time learning to respect herself more. Hah. She has plenty of respect for herself, she needs to think about other people for once. So I don't think I need to worry that the new guy is getting an improved version of her, if anything she has even bigger issues than before.

But yeah, I try not to get too caught up in telling myself that her relationship will fail, or she'll end up miserable and alone, because maybe she won't. Maybe a year from now I'll hear that she's marrying this guy and I'll want to die all over again. It would be great to think that she'll learn her lesson some day, but life isn't that predictable, so I'm not counting on it.

She grew up a spoiled child in a divorced family, she's never been dumped, she always gets her way, and I gave her the satisfaction of chasing after her, I don't think she's going to learn a lesson any time soon. She expects everyone on the planet will always be this in love with her, and that's why I think someone needs to break her heart. Her own mother said the very same thing to me, that maybe she needs to find out what this pain feels like.

The pain is going away very slowly, but at least it's fading. That picture of them together that I saw on Facebook is just burned in my brain, and it seems like it's from another dimension. I just can't believe she's smiling and holding hands, and probably more, with someone else already. Ugh.

But I try to remind myself, currently I still talk to almost every girl I've been in a relationship with. And back when those relationships first ended, I felt just as terrible, and never thought I'd have those people back in my life. And of course there was a period where we forgot each other even existed, but eventually somebody makes contact again. Maybe one day I'll hear from her.

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My fiance left me and made strange excuses--feeling so betrayed

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