JaneS Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I have been in a LDR with my boyfriend for the last few months. Whilst the distance (3 hours apart) is not that bad, there are other issues within the relationship that are making me contemplate whether to carry on or not. My boyfriend has very serious mental health problems. I knew about this from quite early on. The issues cause him to be very self focused because he is so determined to get better. Underneath it all, he is a great guy but there seem to be so many things that are not right about the relationship right now. I just wonder whether I should hang on a bit longer to see if he gets better - not sure what to do for the best. My main concerns: - unpredictable on daily basis - sometimes he feels well, others not (and on the latter occasions, there is less communication) - little intimacy - no sex for a couple of months now- we have talked about it - self focused most of the time - it's all about him. Often I feel as though maybe he wants me there as his 'strength' rather than a girlfriend - distance - I don't plan on moving from where I am and neither does he (tho he has hinted I could move nearer to him) I am SO unsure of what to do - I do like him a lot but am fearful that it will always be this way. Any suggestions? Please help...........
Thaddeus Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 If he's on a healing path, it's not surprising that he'd be very self-focused. Mental health issues require a degree of self-focus, even a hint of narcissism, in order to get to the bottom of it. And the unpredictability is also pretty common when trying to get a handle on things. One day things are fine, the next day, for no particular reason, things may not be so good. The trigger could be anything, from hearing a song on the radio to a bad memory that surfaces at a bad time to, well, anything. I can tell you're somewhat waffling here - should I stay or should I go? That's normal. I can't advise whether you should stay with him or not, but whichever you decide, do it 100%. If you're going to stay with him, get all the way in, be there 100%. If you're going to leave, make it a "clean" break (if there is such a thing) with full NC all the way. One last thing: If he's healing (with the help of a mental health professional, I assume) then it will not always be this way. But healing does not happen overnight. It might take months or years. The question you have to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to be 100% with him for an undetermined period of time while he heals?" It's a tough call. Good luck.
Rollercoasterr Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Wait, you don't plan on moving and neither does he? Ever? If that's the way it is I see no reason for either of you to be in this relationship. LDRs are hard, and you're just playing with fire if neither of you is going to move.
Author JaneS Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Thaddeus, thank you - I appreciate your words. Good advice regarding being 100% either way. My gut instinct right now is to break away from the relationship. I do tend to sometimes hang on to things for far too long; I guess I am doing that now. I have been in a similar situation before where I ended the relationship because I couldn't envisage that 'undetermined period of time' whilst they healed. Thank you
Author JaneS Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Rollercoasterr, At this point in time, neither of us will be moving. He has a job that he will continue with come September and I have just accepted a new post in my area. Moving in future would be an option but not for at least one year. He has said a couple of times that I could move to be nearer him (until recently I was more flexible to move because I had no major ties - house, job). However, I have had a period of feeling unsettled having moved around quite a lot and feel the need to stay where I am right now. I think that it would be a risk for me to move to him with the way the current situation is, as selfish as that may sound. He needs to stay where he is as he has a big support network of friends and family near to him which is so very important as he is ill.
SomeGirl Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Hey JaneS I was in a situation like this before. He had extreme issues and even though he was working on getting over them, they at times would arise. (He's bipolar as well) If what he is doing is focus on himself then maybe he should just be doing that? It may not be the right time for him to be in a relationship. I know 3hrs is not much. Being in a LDR you have to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as in any type of relationship you need to be happy. You don't seem happy to me. Up to you if you want to continue. But I can tell you i'ts very draining. (When it was over for me, I felt so liberated!) Good luck.
Author JaneS Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 SomeGirl, thanks so much for your reply....good to hear from someone who has been through a similar thing. He has said from time to time himself that he wonders if he should be focusing on himself. I can understand that he would feel that way - however, I often felt as though we were on a knife edge...I was almost waiting for the chop as it were. You are right, the distance is not that bad and you do need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. There isn't even a flicker of one right now; my gut instinct at present is to end it, as sad as that will be. I really appreciate your comments
Recommended Posts