tmb1989 Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Ok, so my husband and I have only been married for 9 months and already its a hot mess. He is constantly putting me down, and when hes drunk he says the most hurtful things if i make him upset like a fat whore or a dumb bitch but the next day he tells me he never remembers saying any of those things and expects me to be fine with it just because he was drunk. But other days things are just perfect and hes sweet, loving and very caring of me. Before we got married i had never seen him become so nasty toward me and for the past few months, the fights have just been gettin worse and he never wants to have sex anymore. I had always told myself that i would never let myself be one of those women who gets herself in these situations and alot of times i just want him the hell out of my life. But when the fights are over and he comes around, he just wants to be with me. I dont kno wat to do! It's such a mind F.U.C.K! i dont kno what to do, should i leave? Should i stay and hope things go back to the way things used to be? Or maybe is it my fault that he treats me this way? Am i such a piece of s.h.i.t that i bring this out of him? Please, i need some advice =/ -sorry bout the language..
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Tell him to shape up his attitude, treat you better or you're going to divorce. You've only been married less than a year! It shouldn't be like this. Anyway, he's being emotional abusive and you deserve better. Don't let his words make you feel worthless. It is NOT your fault he is being such an a-hole!
Thaddeus Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I have to ask this: You MUST have known about his boozing and his hurtful attitude before you got married. So why did you marry this dude? There's nothing complicated at all about this, despite the thread title. He's an abusive alcoholic. The only question is, how long are you willing to put up with it for?
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I agree with Thaddeus.. how come you didn't see that? Love is blind.. or you thought he would change after the marriage.. well.. YES they do change.. but not for the better.. sorry... I would NEVER EVER put up with a azz like that.. there is NOOOOOO excuse for him to be abusive like that.. DO NOT excuse him with alcohol or what not.. This is only the first 'part' of the abuse.. next .. they sometimes become physically abusive... do you seriously want to live in 'hell".. get out now.. this guy is a jerk.. I don't care how much you say he's sweet.. yadayada.. he's a jerk... UNLESS he stops drinking.. this will never stop. it will only get worst.. sorry..
Heroic Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 The guy has no respect for you.....run while you can, it will only get worse.
bean1 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I hope the 1989 in your username isn't your birth year. Are you only 20 years old? This is awful, and it is hard to see that you think that YOU are to blame for this verbal abuse! Is there a trusted friend or family member you can talk to you? This situation looks like it will quickly escalate into physical abuse.
Author tmb1989 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 yes, 1989 is my birth year and i turned 20 today =] i knew that he liked to drink every now and then before we got married and that didnt seem like a problem because some people like to get drunk sometimes right? its only been in the past few months that he started to drink more than usual. and he was never as verbally abusive up until recently. and its mostly only when hes drinking or if im "nagging". What kind of wife doesnt nag, ya kno? he thinks im too emotional and that "I" am the one with the problem. i just dont understand where all of this anger is coming from, because if i had known i would be putting up with this before, i would have never gotten married.
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 yes, 1989 is my birth year and i turned 20 today =]Congratulations, and Happy Birthday! What kind of wife doesnt nag, ya kno?After cheating, abuse and denial of sex, nagging is probably the worst thing that one person can do to another in a marriage.i just dont understand where all of this anger is coming from, because if i had known i would be putting up with this before, i would have never gotten married.Makes no difference at all where the anger is coming from. The source of it is irrelevant. The question remains: how long are you willing to put up with it for?
HsMomma Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Congratulations, and Happy Birthday! :bunny:After cheating, abuse and denial of sex, nagging is probably the worst thing that one person can do to another in a marriage.Makes no difference at all where the anger is coming from. The source of it is irrelevant. The question remains: how long are you willing to put up with it for? Thaddeus, you may just be my long-lost fraternal twin! OP, first, happy birthday! Second, run like H*LL! Nobody ever deserves abuse in any form, whether it's emotional, verbal or physical. You have your entire adult life in front of you & I can't believe that his 'sweetness' is enough to make you want to stay in this relationship for years & years. While I'm not one to say "divorce" immediately in most situations, the other posters on here are absolutely right. These things do NOT improve with age/time. You need to make yourself your first priority here...and as far as I can see from what you've written, there's nothing on earth that would make me stay in that kind of relationship. Have self-respect, believe in yourself & your inherent worth & move along with your life, without him. Just my two cents' worth.
Author tmb1989 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Thankyou =D yeah your right about the nagging i guess lol im still learning how to be a good wife! =] As for putting up with it, i made a commitment to this man when i took those vows at the alter... As long as he never lays a hand on me im gonna try my best to see this thing through till the end. I came to LS because i dont have a close friend in the whole wide world that i can talk to about this. My husband is the only person i really have that i can talk to. And since all of this behavior started, ive felt so alone. I found this website by googling "my marriage sucks" one day lol i just need a place to get all of this off my chest and find some kind of peace. (i sound like a cornball lol)
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 TAs for putting up with it, i made a commitment to this man when i took those vows at the alter.No, you didn't. You wrote,... because if i had known i would be putting up with this before, i would have never gotten married.You didn't commit to the man he's become, you committed to the man he used to be. Physically, they're the same dude. Emotionally and mentally, they're not. Ask yourself this: If your best friend married someone and he turned out to be an abusive alcoholic, would you tell her to stick it out through thick and thin, or get out of it to save her skin?
Author tmb1989 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 but that man i married has to still be inside him somewhere.. i miss him so much :'( i just want my husband back... i dont want to become another statistic, please say that everything will be ok! please i just want my husband back
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 please say that everything will be ok!Nobody can foretell the future. The "universe" (or whatever you wish to call it) will NOT "open as it should." You have no pre-determined destiny. Your path, whichever one you choose (and you do choose it, it is not chosen for you) will take effort and will demand pain and heartbreak. And even then, there are no guarantees. That's just life. The future has yet to be written. So write your own.
BlackWhite Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Thankyou =D yeah your right about the nagging i guess lol im still learning how to be a good wife! =] As for putting up with it, i made a commitment to this man when i took those vows at the alter... As long as he never lays a hand on me im gonna try my best to see this thing through till the end. I came to LS because i dont have a close friend in the whole wide world that i can talk to about this. My husband is the only person i really have that i can talk to. And since all of this behavior started, ive felt so alone. I found this website by googling "my marriage sucks" one day lol i just need a place to get all of this off my chest and find some kind of peace. (i sound like a cornball lol) Come here, birthday girl, I'll give you a hug.
HsMomma Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Thankyou =D yeah your right about the nagging i guess lol im still learning how to be a good wife! =] As for putting up with it, i made a commitment to this man when i took those vows at the alter... As long as he never lays a hand on me im gonna try my best to see this thing through till the end. I came to LS because i dont have a close friend in the whole wide world that i can talk to about this. My husband is the only person i really have that i can talk to. And since all of this behavior started, ive felt so alone. I found this website by googling "my marriage sucks" one day lol i just need a place to get all of this off my chest and find some kind of peace. (i sound like a cornball lol) As my teen daughter would say, "Oh no, you didn't" - you made a commitment to a man you thought would treat you with love & respect. What about HIS vows? Do you not feel he should have to live up to those as well? As for the "as long as he never lays a hand on me..." part, what part of ABUSE are you not getting? Just because someone doesn't hit someone else does not mean there's no abuse here. Have you ever seen a child who grew up being told he/she wasn't good enough, smart enough, whatever enough? That child has been abused. He/she will now see the world as a place where he/she will never be enough. This is no different - you are being told how to act, who to be (or not be), etc. At some point, you will come to believe these things to be fact - especially if he's the only person you feel you can talk to. (wo)MAN up! If you are determined to make this marriage work, you will need to set the tone now, in the early days. YOU will have to teach HIM how you want to be treated. If he believes he can get away with treating you like this now, I guarantee it will get worse. That's about the ONLY guarantee in life...
Thaddeus Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 What about HIS vows? Do you not feel he should have to live up to those as well? No question that he should be living up to his vows. But the OP cannot make him do anything. In a very real sense, nobody can really make someone else do anything. She only has control over herself.
HsMomma Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 No question that he should be living up to his vows. But the OP cannot make him do anything. In a very real sense, nobody can really make someone else do anything. She only has control over herself. I agree completely, Thaddeus, BUT she doesn't have control over herself right now...she is ALLOWING him to treat her like dirt. That's what I was trying to say - she has to have enough self-respect to say, "Hey, I'm not going to put up with being treated like a "bad dog". We took wedding vows to love, honor, respect, etc., EACH OTHER." One cannot expect respect - one must command it by respecting oneself first.
StarChick Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 No one should put up with abuse. Yes, it's abuse. Just because he hasn't "hit" you YET, doesn't mean it's not abuse. A mean drunk is a mean drunk. If he is truly "blacking out" and not remembering what he's saying/doing to you, then it's a very dangerous situation for you to be in. You need to get help, fast. And I hope I'm not over-stepping the line by saying this, but please, please, PLEASE don't get pregnant. Not yet. You don't want a child witnessing this. Do the right thing, hon. Please, don't YOU become a statistic. *hugs*
stuckinoz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Years ago my husband used to do the same thing...Get drunk & be as mean as a snake to me & claim "OH I don't remember anything"....IT"S BULL-****...Also used to blame me for his outbursts - those he could remember. Said if I didn't instigate them - he wouldn't be mean. HA!! Cracks me up now. When I was younger I put up with it - for fear that if I made him more mad...I couldn't imagine what would happen. Well - When I left his sorry @ss (at the time) for a significant amount of time due to the drinking - he shaped up. He's tried it again twice in the almost 8 or so months that we've been back together, but now I'm not afraid of him. I stand up to him & it shuts his "excuse" down FLAT. (he doesn't drink the way he used to - which is why we're giving it a go now) He also KNOWS I won't put up with it. Perhaps standing up for yourself is a start with your situation. Let him know that under NO circumstances will you put up with his behaviors.
Recommended Posts