I left him and now I want him back. how?

[darknightie]

I am going to explain this although I feel ever so guilty about it.

 

Last year about this time I fell into a deep depression and shut down completely. I isolated myself from family, friends, everything.

 

Including my bf whom I met in college and had been with for years.

 

He tried, for a couple months anyway - to get me to come back. I never "broke up" with him, I simply didnt talk to him (often) or see him ever. Eventually I guess he realized I wasnt coming back and rebuilt his life.

 

I have finally pieced myself together and am trying to get him back, but I just dont know how to do this. First I tried suggesting we get together, but the thought of how I was going to apologize to him, and where do I start? that type of anxiety hit, and it took me another month to work up the nerve to finally meet with him.

 

FINALLY, a year since we'd last seen each other I met up with him for a bit after his shift. Everything felt like it always had - it was like we'd never missed a beat.

 

However. In all of our years together, he was always the pursuer, me the pursuee. I am, after all, a woman. I like him to come to me.

 

Now? He wont come to me, he wont initiate plans, wont even contact me really unless I do so first.

 

I feel like he doesnt really want me back after all, because if he did wouldnt he try?? He says that after trying so hard to get me back, he has given up and its up to me to show him I mean business.

 

I must be fragile or something though because this whole scenario is just odd to me. I ask him to do something on a saturday and he has a bachelor party. Ok...so I ask again the next weekend and he has another (?)

 

I saw him this week for a while, dinner actually. I paid, which is ...unheard of basically.

 

How am I supposed to chase this man? I know he knows I want him back - and I want US back.

 

This is just so hard...he has a whole new life - one that doesnt seem to include me at all.

 

Should I let him go on with his life? I hurt him tremedously. He tells me that he went for months in a deep hole of darkness, missing me terribly and I do remember him sending me texts and emails about it. I was being selfish at the time and only caring for myself.

 

As I am writing this I am beginning to think I should just let him go. I love him so much this is making me cry, my heart aches over it. But I have caused him such pain and anguish, he has shut off to me it seems.

 

He tells me of course he cares, or why would he bother wasting his time with me? But...he doesnt really HAVE time for me, is the thing.

 

I dont know. I am so torn about this.

[BCCA]

Should I let him go on with his life? I hurt him tremedously. He tells me that he went for months in a deep hole of darkness, missing me terribly and I do remember him sending me texts and emails about it. I was being selfish at the time and only caring for myself.

 

Now? He wont come to me, he wont initiate plans, wont even contact me really unless I do so first.

 

I feel like he doesnt really want me back after all, because if he did wouldnt he try?? He says that after trying so hard to get me back, he has given up and its up to me to show him I mean business.

 

I must be fragile or something though because this whole scenario is just odd to me. I ask him to do something on a saturday and he has a bachelor party. Ok...so I ask again the next weekend and he has another (?)

 

I saw him this week for a while, dinner actually. I paid, which is ...unheard of basically.

 

How am I supposed to chase this man? I know he knows I want him back - and I want US back.

 

This is just so hard...he has a whole new life - one that doesnt seem to include me at all.

 

You really did a number on him, and he's not sure he wants to take his chances again. I cant really blame him, he cant be sure you arent going to just be selfish again unless you prove it.

 

You should just come out with it, and say that you want him back, are VERY sorry for what you did, and will make every effort to prove to him that youre serious...IF that's something he's interested in. If not, youre still sorry, and wish him the best.

 

It's going to be hard for him to trust you for a while. Believe it or not, you might have changed internally, but you probably act a lot like you did before. Its hard to believe people have changed, because most havent, they just say they have.

 

I say leave it in his court, put it out there on the line, and see what he says. It's you're only option, no one deserves indefinite limbo.

[darknightie]

Thank you BCCA - believe me. I have told him I want him back, I have cried to him how sorry I am and how horrible I feel for what I have done. Usually, he just looks at me like he's searching for a sign of truth.

 

Unfortunately for me, all of his friends/family convinced him I left because I was "cheating". I tried to level with him that although possible, none of them KNOW me like he does - nor do they know the circumstances or how I feel for him. Only I and he know these details for certain.

 

This whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. I messed up BIG. How do you possibly make up for something like that? You cant just say, "here, here's a check to make up the difference", you cant offer much really except a promise. How completely sad.

[BCCA]

In all seriousness, did you cheat on him?

 

That didnt sound like much of a denial, moreso a 'they dont know anything for sure'.

[boogieboy]

You already told him the words, now you have to back it up with actions. if you want to EARN his trust and TIME again, you have to pursue him like you never pursued anything before.

 

Hes not going to invest in you and give up his new life just like that until you prove that youre worth it. You gotta risk your pride and everything.

 

You have to take a chance that all your efforts will amount to him saying no after a while. You have to do all the things he probably did for you in the beginning of your relationship.

 

You gotta put in the work, and get over that fact that you like to be pursued. WORK WORK WORK! he doesnt trust you at all, he shouldnt, and frankly I wouldnt either.

 

Apparently when the going gets tough, you implode and wont let anyone help you. Who would want to return to that??? In a REAL relationship, your SO helps you with your problems, you dont shut them out.

[darknightie]

No I didnt cheat on him. I had some dates somewhere after we'd been apart 8 mos because I thought it was better to let him move on. As I continued to miss him though, and he still contacting me, I decided to at least TRY. I have my pride and emotional balance to lose, but so what.

 

I have heard though, that men do not react favorably to being pursued. He even told me that another girl was in his life for a while during this "break" but he made her pursue him as well, and eventually he decided not to move forward. I am not an aggressive type and this is all so unfamiliar.

 

He said last night that he wants to see how I act so he knows if he is just someone I am after because someone else didnt work out, as a last resort, or if I really want him because he is the best.

 

Hes no dummy, he knows I have men come on to me pretty regularly and had plenty of chances. I dont want other men though, I want him.

 

I was brought up in a family where we shut down our emotions when bad things happened, rather than lean on one another. As you can imagine, I am one messed up cookie because of it. If I were him I'd go running for the hills, actually. So I am lucky he is giving me the time of day.

 

So I should act kinda like how he did when we first started dating? Doing nice things for him, doting on him, calling him, etc etc???

[boogieboy]

No I didnt cheat on him. I had some dates somewhere after we'd been apart 8 mos because I thought it was better to let him move on. As I continued to miss him though, and he still contacting me, I decided to at least TRY. I have my pride and emotional balance to lose, but so what.

 

I have heard though, that men do not react favorably to being pursued. He even told me that another girl was in his life for a while during this "break" but he made her pursue him as well, and eventually he decided not to move forward. I am not an aggressive type and this is all so unfamiliar.

 

He said last night that he wants to see how I act so he knows if he is just someone I am after because someone else didnt work out, as a last resort, or if I really want him because he is the best.

 

Hes no dummy, he knows I have men come on to me pretty regularly and had plenty of chances. I dont want other men though, I want him.

 

I was brought up in a family where we shut down our emotions when bad things happened, rather than lean on one another. As you can imagine, I am one messed up cookie because of it. If I were him I'd go running for the hills, actually. So I am lucky he is giving me the time of day.

 

So I should act kinda like how he did when we first started dating? Doing nice things for him, doting on him, calling him, etc etc???

 

 

Do whatever you gotta do.

 

As far as I know, men have no problem being pursued by women they like. So pursue away.

[BCCA]

So I should act kinda like how he did when we first started dating? Doing nice things for him, doting on him, calling him, etc etc???

 

Do as much as you can to show him youre serious without being pathetic, if that makes sense. He's going to have a hard time trusting you for a while, its to be expected. If you show him youre serious, and you two are meant to be, it will happen. And if not, you gave it your best effort. No one is perfect, life goes on.

[mark982]

darknightie, actions speak volumns,you can tell him all the things you think he wants to hear BUT your actions will be the deciding factor. can you really blame him for being gun shy? good luck.

[darknightie]

Sure - dont be pathetic - definitely not.

 

But what are the "do"'s?

 

Tonight, for example I asked to see him. He said no, friend was coming to town and he had to pick him up from the airport and then this guy was staying with him. They do this every summer. I understand.

 

But, a moment ago I get a text that this guy missed his flight and can I hang out? After I agreed to babysit my neighbors kids. Kids are asleep, I can't exactly leave.

 

So now I feel like he's going to think, "gee thanks for the rejection" or something of that nature. Oh well - I cant do much about it now anyway.

[boogieboy]

Sure - dont be pathetic - definitely not.

 

But what are the "do"'s?

 

Tonight, for example I asked to see him. He said no, friend was coming to town and he had to pick him up from the airport and then this guy was staying with him. They do this every summer. I understand.

 

But, a moment ago I get a text that this guy missed his flight and can I hang out? After I agreed to babysit my neighbors kids. Kids are asleep, I can't exactly leave.

 

So now I feel like he's going to think, "gee thanks for the rejection" or something of that nature. Oh well - I cant do much about it now anyway.

 

He cant fault you for making plans after he blew you off. Long as you told him what happened. Dont sweat it, keep trying. Him calling you was a good sign.

[darknightie]

Him calling you was a good sign.

 

I'm not going to lie, my heart leaped out of my chest when I saw the message

 

So, no serenading him at his window sill, eh?

 

kidding

[big_mistake]

I can't help but notice the similarities in our situations...how is everything going for you?