Exit Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Finally the snooping around lead down the wrong path. Pictures of her holding hands with a guy, wasn't 100% evidence so I kept snooping around, and find out they are together. I find it strange that she's allowed me to keep writing to her and pursuing her, when she left her previous BF to start dating me, she did sit down and tell the guy straight to his face what was going on and why it was happening. So all this time that she has been allowing limited contact and reads my letters about how much I'd change for her, I gave her credit and told myself "if there was more to it than this, she would just tell me, she's had the backbone to tell guys the truth before". I'm trying to consider it a blessing. This girl left a 4 year relationship to be with me, bailed on a year and a half with me, and will probably break this guy's heart in the end too. She didn't even have the guts to tell me.
BCCA Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Finally the snooping around lead down the wrong path. Pictures of her holding hands with a guy, wasn't 100% evidence so I kept snooping around, and find out they are together. Thats why its best to avoid this kind of stuff, it doesnt lead anywhere good. It's also breaking NC, since youre technically checking up on them, when you should be avoiding them like the plague. I find it strange that she's allowed me to keep writing to her and pursuing her, when she left her previous BF to start dating me, she did sit down and tell the guy straight to his face what was going on and why it was happening. So all this time that she has been allowing limited contact and reads my letters about how much I'd change for her, I gave her credit and told myself "if there was more to it than this, she would just tell me, she's had the backbone to tell guys the truth before". It's more common that you would think. A lot of people will take the ego stroke of knowing you want them, the whole time knowing they dont want anything to do with you. You should have skipped the letters and talk about changing, that didnt help at all. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, just remember next time, immediate NC!!! As for the other guy, she sadly probably had him in her sights before leaving you. Thats usually the way things go. She told other guys before because you were worth it, this guy is probably just a rebound. And I can promise you that anything she says to you is going to be mostly BS from here on out. I'm trying to consider it a blessing. This girl left a 4 year relationship to be with me, bailed on a year and a half with me, and will probably break this guy's heart in the end too. She didn't even have the guts to tell me. She's a branch swinger. Nothing you can do, its obviously a pattern with her. She didnt tell you beacause in her mind, she didnt have to. She owes you nothing the moment she breaks up with you, next time dont expect jack. I know it sucks bro, but youll make it.
asuman Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I've said it before and I will again: This is a good thing. Learning the truth is a good thing. Accepting reality is good. Not being strung along, not having false hopes, not dragging things on needlessly are all good. Not bad. Seeing these pictures forced you to reach that point. Now, don't ever go back again. You saw what you had to see. It was painful. It won't get less painful by looking at them again, so don't. I am now on approximately week #5 since the very last time I even saw her Facebook profile. We are "friends" but I haven't had the temptation to cheat even once. Stay away, so you can move on with your life. I know this sucks, and it will suck for a little while, but then it will get better and you will recover.
Bayern Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Snooping is so easy to do if you have any computer know-how. It's a curse at times though. Sorry - good luck.
Beeotch Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Guess everyone's different. The thought of snooping on my ex gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. I KNOW I will be upset at what I find (regardless of if he is speaking to someone new or not)...therefore curiosity NEVER gets the best of me because I already start getting mad and upset just by thinking of it...so I never end up actually doing it. It's funny...because I do not want to be with him with his unresolved issues and I know that no matter what relationship or fling he has it will not last because of his issues...so in some ways I would look at this new woman and shake my head knowing that pretty soon she will end up in my shoes....BUT nevertheless the idea of him messing around with other women sickens me. So I'd rather keep it out of sight and mind.
Author Exit Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 My feelings are split down the middle. I generally don't advocate snooping because of the hurt it can bring, but in my case, like asuman said, I needed the truth. I obviously wasn't going to get the truth from her. The false hope was going to continue until I saw her smiling with someone else. I didn't look because I like bringing pain on myself, I looked because I knew some day I would probably see something that would give me a wakeup call. Now I don't even WANT to miss her. Hopefully this is the push I needed. Rebound or whatever, I'm not going to sweat it. This guy really doesn't look quite like her type, but we'll see. Whatever happens happens. I would be willing to talk to her eventually, but right now I will just use this for motivation for myself. And now that I know, I am DONE looking. It's a definite mixture of hurt and pain. I am trying to see the silver lining and realize this is probably good for me. I know she has issues. Funny that she always accused me "you just want me back cuz you're scared to be alone". Ha, at her rate, she'll have been in relationships for 10 consecutive years, she looks like the one scared to be alone. It is a bit hard on my ego seeing that this guy appears to be a bit more successful and is still going to school like she is, whereas I have been out of a job and a little confused about where my life is going. But if she wasn't willing to stick by me through that then whatever.
asuman Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 It is a bit hard on my ego seeing that this guy appears to be a bit more successful and is still going to school like she is, whereas I have been out of a job and a little confused about where my life is going. But if she wasn't willing to stick by me through that then whatever. You nailed it, right there. Ok, so you're going through a period of transition right now. Do you really want to be with someone who can't stick by you during such a time? You can use this temporary blow to your ego as motivation to improve your life. Tell yourself that you'll accidentally run into her a year from now and your life will be ten times better then than it was now, because.... [fill in the blank].
vring81 Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 My ex had hidden her comments on myspace but I found a way to look at them. When I saw what the new person said to her I was devastated. My heart broke a million times so I deleted her as my friend. I knew I couldnt have her as my friend and not look. It's so masochistic and I had to stop it.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I remember warning you Exit, what you were doing, keeping in contact, was foolish. I knew this would happen, I knew it 100%, no doubt in my mind, and tried to warn you.
mr.dream merchant Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Ay man, we all fall down. I'm pretty sure my ex is kickin it with a new guy.....so what? The way I see it is two things duke, if they've moved on so fast they're either: 1. Lying to themselves, and their new guy, and it will be a failed relationship (Don't sweat about him being better than you, that's nonsense). or 2. She wasn't in love with you at all and just faked her emotions like a professional which is why it was so easy for her to move into a new relationship. If this is the case man, well ****, would you want that in your life? Do you want to be saying "I love you" to a shorty like that? Hell no. Point is. Your ex is going to fall flat on her face. Nothing good comes out of jumping from relationship right into the next. You don't play with people's emotions.
Author Exit Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Yeah, in a way, I know that this is all resolving itself, without any input on my part. If she ever changes her ways and decides to talk to me, then great. If she continues changing relationships like a pair of shoes, then I'll gladly let someone else deal with her problems. In a strange way, it all makes sense, and I just need to accept it completely. It's hard because I was there for all the stress and difficult times, helped her through school, gave her money when she needed it. Now she's graduated, her career is taking off, she probably has more free time to spend doing fun things, and someone else is getting to enjoy it with her. I guess I got my wish, all along thinking that she was single made it hard to understand why she wouldn't give me a chance, I almost thought I wanted to know that she was seeing someone. Well, now I know. I'm feeling pretty miserable. Didn't fall asleep til 6am and only slept a few hours. And of course the pain was waiting for me when I woke up this morning. I know I deserve better, and I am constantly reminding myself of all the things she did wrong, and all the ways she wasn't an ideal partner. Unfortunately it isn't working too well right now. But I was starting to feel better up until this point. This will be a slight setback and have me feeling crappy for a few days, but hopefully then I can continue moving on.
mr.dream merchant Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Yeah, in a way, I know that this is all resolving itself, without any input on my part. If she ever changes her ways and decides to talk to me, then great. If she continues changing relationships like a pair of shoes, then I'll gladly let someone else deal with her problems. In a strange way, it all makes sense, and I just need to accept it completely. It's hard because I was there for all the stress and difficult times, helped her through school, gave her money when she needed it. Now she's graduated, her career is taking off, she probably has more free time to spend doing fun things, and someone else is getting to enjoy it with her. I guess I got my wish, all along thinking that she was single made it hard to understand why she wouldn't give me a chance, I almost thought I wanted to know that she was seeing someone. Well, now I know. I'm feeling pretty miserable. Didn't fall asleep til 6am and only slept a few hours. And of course the pain was waiting for me when I woke up this morning. I know I deserve better, and I am constantly reminding myself of all the things she did wrong, and all the ways she wasn't an ideal partner. Unfortunately it isn't working too well right now. But I was starting to feel better up until this point. This will be a slight setback and have me feeling crappy for a few days, but hopefully then I can continue moving on. You will man, its the only way for you to go. And yeah man it hurts, but just know that the hurt is going to make you a better person. You were there for this girl, and helped her get her life on track. Don't regret anything you did for her. It made you the person you are now. Just know that its her loss man. She may not think or feel so, but I'm sure this next guy isn't going to be there for her like you were. She may learn the hard way. She may come back. She may not. The important thing for you to realize now is that she does not matter anymore. She is no longer part of your life. Why suffer for what she's doing now? That's why I try not to think about my ex as much as possible. She is no longer part of MY life. That means I have the blessing of not having to care or give two ****s about what she's up to. It gives ME time to work on ME. What if she saw you a year from now and you were doing great? What if she saw you a year from now and you got buff as ****, and you have two bangin broads on your arm? I'm sure she would feel like you're doing better than her. Its all perspective. Yeah your ex looks like she's livin it up right now, and she prolly feels so, but give it a month or two, and let that honeymoon period (which will be short lived) die down. She'll prolly next dude just like she did you. And he will be stuck wondering about what HE did wrong, and what's wrong with HIM. And if he ends up on here, lol, I will gladly sit him down with you Exit and tell the both of you that it was neither of you. It was her.
Author Exit Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Haha thanks for the encouragement Merchant. I just finished working out and I'm feeling good for the time being. I definitely plan on using this pain and turning it into motivation. I know one day this will all make sense. Painful thoughts still creep into my mind, like the way I helped her all through school, and those pictures of them together was at her graduation party, so I got to do all the hard work and someone else got to celebrate with her. But I try to push these thoughts out of my head as quickly as possible.
Bayern Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 There you have it. Use this to your advantage. Use it as motivation and get going boy!
Author Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks Bayern. Tonight was a bit rough. I almost stayed home but I forced myself to go see my friends play a show. Had a few drinks and a few laughs with people, but can't deny that I spent a lot of time thinking about her. I've been through my share of breakups but this is the first time where the ex moved on to someone else so quickly and it just opens up a whole other level of hurt and confusion. But I have to ask myself how the last guy felt when she left him to be with me, and straight up told him that was what she was doing. He must have been crushed. At least in my case I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that we really did break up for reasons pertaining to our problems, and she only met this guy recently. But it is paying off as motivation at least, I'm back on my diet.
asuman Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Just take things one day at a time. You can't force yourself to stop thinking about her per se, but you can do things that will avoid situations in which your thoughts about her run loose and out of control. NC is key to this. Obviously, avoiding her FB and Myspace pages is a part of NC. I have a good sense about you, that you will move on and heal quite well from this experience with the passage of time. You will come to see that regardless of why she broke up with you, the very fact that she broke up with you meant that she was not good enough for you.
kizik Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I remember warning you Exit, what you were doing, keeping in contact, was foolish. I knew this would happen, I knew it 100%, no doubt in my mind, and tried to warn you. What a fantastic contribution. Typical Thomas, saying "I told you so" and talking about himself (classic narcissism) when someone is deep in the throes of pain. As the OP stated, he doesn't necessarily regret looking at her FB. It was something he felt he needed to do, so maybe now he can learn not to do it again. We've all been there, Thomas, so don't pretend you haven't. As someone who consistently makes threads of your own, about YOUR OWN pain, you should at least attempt sympathy.
kizik Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Exit, you're a great guy who got dealt a sh*tty hand. Rather, the hand looked like a full house, when it was only two pair the whole time. You misread your hand. The pain you're going through is completely normal and it sucks and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Ugh. All you can do is distract your mind and body. Sounds like you work out, that's awesome. Forcing yourself to go out with your buddies? Hell yes. ANY and everything you can do to stimulate your social, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. You'll make it.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Lol kizik, your posts are always funny. You are eerily obsessed with me. Any topic I am ever in, you try to call me out. The funniest of all, however, is you trying to throw around cluster B disorders as if you have ANY knowledge of them, or psychology as a whole. You trying to speak to me about psychology never fails to brighten my mood. That's like a high school drop out with a double digit IQ trying to lecture astrology to NASA. Your passive aggressive attitude, coupled with at LEAST borderline sociopathy, is tired and predictable. But alas, keep giving me attention, because that's what "narcissists" love, isn't it? (If you actually know what a narcissist is) I have known Exit for a while, talked to him many times in many topics, unlike you. I told him exactly what he needed to hear, so he wouldn't make the same mistake next time.
Author Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 No need to argue guys =P, I know Thomas was just reminding me that snooping around inevitably leads to this type of discovery. If I don't feel better in a few days, I may go seek professional help. Despite all my efforts, some days I feel like I'm regressing instead of progressing. I've come to realize so many bad things about her, to the point that I know I couldn't take her back unless she had a long list of changes she'd be willing to make, yet I still miss her. I should be happy that somebody else has to deal with her BS instead of being jealous. Last night was actually pleasant because I had a dream about some different girl, didn't even know who it was, but at least it wasn't about her! I'm definitely not checking up on her anymore. When I told one of my friends what I had found, they asked me how long they had been friends on Facebook, and I couldn't remember, and I wasn't even willing to go back and look. I do not want to see any more.
mr.dream merchant Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Just gotta let it be man. Those were the first words of advice I got during my breakup. I remember them alot because it was an 80 year old man. A war veteran, a player from the 1940's. He had seen alot in his life. What better advice could one get? He told me that when you let go, you realize alot of things. And that if you let go, and they don't come back, well you never had them in the first place. I remember telling the guy that I wanted to know if there was another man in the picture. He told me that some things are best left unknown and proceeded to ask if finding that out would do me any good at this point. He was right, somethings you just don't wanna know at a certain point.
lostwithafuture Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 I think stealing someone elses girl is never a good start, I done that and she done the same to me now. I would try and delete her from my memory for the time being, so just delete her number and everything. That way you have no way of contacting her even if you wanted. I wish you all the best although you seem to be recovering well.
Author Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 I think stealing someone elses girl is never a good start, I done that and she done the same to me now. Yeah, I'm not happy about the way our relationship started and I know in a certain way, I deserve this to happen to me. I can't imagine the pain I caused the guy she was with before me. I was too happy to be getting together with her that I never stepped back and wondered how sick she must be to behave like that.
lostwithafuture Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Yeah, I'm not happy about the way our relationship started and I know in a certain way, I deserve this to happen to me. I can't imagine the pain I caused the guy she was with before me. I was too happy to be getting together with her that I never stepped back and wondered how sick she must be to behave like that. There seem to be some type of girls the just keep doing this, but the truth is they never turn out well. They spend their later years alone, divorced etc......coz they have screwed too many guys over. When they start getting older no one wants them anymore because they dont have the looks etc, but because they have kicked the people that truly cared for out of their lives they end up having a s**t life.
Author Exit Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Haha yeah, not that I like to sit here and think mean thoughts, but she can go ahead and enjoy her time while she's attractive (she goes to work every day with her chest popping out of her shirt). Looking at her mother, I'd say her looks are going to fade eventually. Lol I know that sounds awful, I'm just trying to cheer myself up lol.
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