m-j Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Yesterday I was reading up on meditation, anxiety and being more assertive in my relationship only to come home and take a MAJOR backwards step. so last night everyone was going out into the city to meet our friend's new girlfriend. they had been planning it all afternoon and my bf said he wouldnt be going because he was broke and I said i wouldnt be going because I am broke and I have to work in the morning and I had a big headache all afternoon. when everyone got home, our housemate/friend told my Bf she would lend us $100 if we wanted to come out so my Bf told me and I said to him I wont go out anyway but you can and he said "gee, thanks for the permission" and i said "well i only said it because im your girlfriend and i dont want you to feel obligated". Now, this whole time I wanted my bf to stay home with me because we could have had the house to ourselves and spent some quality time together, but of course I wouldnt tell him that. He has expressed his concern before that I am anti-him going out without me which I honestly dont think is true but he is SO sure of it he says it is fact. After a few hours I asked my bf if he was going out and he said yes. When he went into our room I said "do you have to go out?" and something switched inside him and he rolled his eyes and said I knew it and basically saying i do this every time and how i need to act like an adult and well, this all made me CRY. I cry sooooo ****ing much. He gave me a hug and said my natural reaction to you crying is to give you a hug. But hugging him made me cry more because I knew he was going and I wouldnt get to have hugs all night. He got up and started to get ready and he was slamming things down and making noise in a bad mood. He continued to say I have now ruined his night because he is in a bad mood which made me even more sad. I was basically bawling at this point and I could NOT control it! I told him I think I'm moody or PMS or something and he said its bull****. I always thought it was bull**** too but what other explanation could there be? Well, it gets worse. I tried to calm myself down and go out into the kitchen and talk to people like normal but i had the worst headache and i felt ill and i felt like i was going to cry at any moment. I just wanted to go somewhere and cry and there was no where to go (our friend/housemate was in our room because she was borrowing my clothes) and my Bf was in there too so I had to go past them into the bathroom trying to be discreet and I just closed the door and sat on the floor and bawled like go past them into the bathroom trying to be discreet and I just closed the door and sat on the floor and bawled like an infant. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I then felt so sad and sick that I nearly vomitted. I was a mess. My bf came in and I just wanted him to stay out because I was so embarrassed. He was really worried and scared because I had never done anything like this before - as was I. I finally pulled myself together and went out and just didnt know what to say. I said sorry you had to see that and I dont know where it came from and its not going to happen again. He was pretty silent. I went to lay in bed because I was absolutely exhausted and he came up and cuddled me again and made some jokes and made me laugh which was so good. I just wanted to forget I was ever acting like a psychopath and we could just be normal again. He said our friend/housemate heard me vomitting and asked if i was ok and if i was upset because he was going out. He said he didnt say yes or no, he didnt know what to say. I guess he was embarrassed at how i was behaving as well. I got it together and went out and chatted to our friends and my Bf came up behind me and hugged me and was being affectionate. I think im basically pathetic and immature. If I heard this story from anyone else I would say they have MAJOR separation anxiety. I cant admit that. What does it mean? I have to break up with my Bf to get over it? I dont even know if its separation anxiety. Maybe its just a bad week and some serious PMS? I went to bed around 9pm. I woke up when housemate 1 came home at 2am and I got a bit excited because I thought my bf would be with them. Negative. Then when housemate 2 came home at 3:30am I thought my bf might be with her. Negative. My bf came home around 4 or 5am and we greeted each other and we cuddled and he said ahhhhh this is good and passed out. He was still passed out when i got ready this morning and barely speaking. I feel so sorry for my Bf and his tether is only so long. I must seem like the biggest psycho to him but i KNOW im not! He said that we will need to talk about it today. I feel like i need to piece together some kind of explanation for how I was behaving but I have none. Anyway, I felt all day like I was going to go home and be ASSERTIVE because I knew there was a chance he would be going out without me and I knew that I would feel bothered by it but I would have to deal with it. And I failed. Miserably. I really need to get it together.
Female Tech Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I can truly identify with your scenario. I feel I have been in such a situation myself. I'd like to think I have grown and learned a lot since then, but no doubt I'm always learning. lol I did want to suggest that you try to be open with him. You immediately knew you didn't want him to go, and knew you'd be upest if he went. I don't see that it would be wrong insead of saying you weren't going, to say.. well I don't know, we'd have the house alone tonight if we stayed home, what do you think? But with you saying flat out no, and he obviously wanted to go... he knows you will be home waiting for him when he gets there. He has no real incentive to stay home thinking you had a headache and needed to get to bed early for work. I know it's often hard for me to understand and often I ask my guy why he doesn't think of things that seem SO obvious to me. I think when in a relationship where we are so close to our mates that often we feel they should just "know" what we are thinking. The only way to prevent that is to make sure they know what we are thinking by offering it up. I'm not saying this would have made the evening go the way you wanted, but it would at least have started a dialogue about going out so you could express your feelings and then decide as a couple what to do together. I hope he was able to talk the next day (but again it proves they know that you'll be home waiting so why wouldn't he go do what he wanted to instead of what you want. They can put it off until the next day and still get their way.) If this is often how things go, maybe you can try and discuss what causes it (maybe not being open about your thoughts, or his need to feel he can still do what he wants w/o having to ask or get permission), and address those issues together. If you can get some ideas going of how to change the outcome, try a few and see if anything works for you. It's much easier to try and discuss these options when you are in "good times", and before things get out of hand or before you feel out of control.
Author m-j Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 i hate that after we've been through so much and we're so comfortable together (even thought one year isnt all that long i guess) we still have to be appealing to each other. we cant just say "i need to hang out with you tonight without being appealing". last night he said that he wanted to stay home with me because i was such a mess but he also wanted to go out still out of principle. i always look back on things hes said and think how smart and mature he is. my friends think i am being emotionally bullied, but i think my reaction makes it appear that way when really he always has good intentions. we havent spoken about it yet, we will tonight. there is always the possibility that he will be spending time with his friends again and not me alone. should i be preparing myself for that? should i say thats not on and we need to talk about this? or am i just being anti-friends again (which i never realised i was in the first place)? I suppose all i can do is say i'll be better in the future. Do you think he did anything wrong in that scenario? I feel like such an idiot because it was all my fault.
Female Tech Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Well unless you clarified when you said "well talk about this tomorrow", then it's hard to say he won't get upset if you 'assumed' you would have privacy to do this. Of course as a woman, I feel that's obvious, but as a guy.. maybe not so much. Just don't get upset as that piles up the issues and will just make it worse to get to the heart of the matter. As often is said.. pick your battles. I know that no matter what I say, you will still feel the pain. I had great advice when I was like this, but once you feel that trigger pull back there is no control over how you feel, react, act, or what you say even. (at least that's how it was with me.) It seems to roll down hill fast and you feel there is no getting out of that dark place. I have been in my current relationship for almost 6 years and we still often have to go back to the basics to work things out. Men are like us, they want to know they are desired too. It isn't a "must" to keep your man perhaps, but it never hurts to remind him he means a lot to you and that you want him with you because he makes you feel good and it would make you happy to be together. If he insisted on the party, then perhaps you should give in and go and say how about we both go, then next time we have the home alone let's hang out instead of go out? After reading this last post of yours about it, it does sound like he did try and extend himself to help out, but he may not know how. If you shut yourself off in the bathroom, insist he go anyway.. then he won't know you feel otherwise. He may have felt you needed some time alone to work through it. If you'd rather have him stay, be honest with yourself when this is happening and tell him how your heart feels. If you ache because you really want/need to share quality time with him, then tell him so. Don't expect him to just figure it out. And no, don't blame yourself. Love is complicated. Communication is absolutely a must! It's a learning experience. Unless you purposefully did this to hurt him (and I truly do not believe you did at all), then it isn't your "fault". Just try and stay open-minded and remember he is with you, he loves you, but he may not understand you yet in ways you want him to. So help him =) I truly hope it goes well!!!
Female Tech Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 OH and... don't think of it as "I'll do better next time"... this is a relationship issue. It's "WE".. you both need to work through to find a way to make this good for you both, not just you. ok? =) Don't be so hard on yourself! If he loves you, he will want to work on it for a better relationship and to learn from mistakes made =)
Author m-j Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Thanks so much for your help, female_tech. I am starting to think I might have Adult Separation Anxiety. Although I have never experienced extreme separation or abandonment, now that I think about it, my mother has previously threatened to disown me when I moved interstate with my current boyfriend (he was there for work and I moved down with him for a few months) because she disapproved of him so badly. she since has become more comfortable with him and possibly even likes him. but my mother has always given us the idea that her love is conditional. my current boyfriend also cheated on me last year which has severely affected me. these might have triggered separation anxiety, fear of abandonment in myself. I seem to have transformed into an insecure immature person instead of the strong independent woman i used to be. i am going to look into treatments and steps to help myself out. i'm going to talk to my boyfriend about it tonight hopefully and not use this as an excuse but a possibly explanation for why him going out has affected me so much. i know i need to stop being so clingy, but without closing myself off emotionally. just need to put it in practise!
Female Tech Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Wow, you do have very valid reasons, but again he needs to be involved. Not only the person that may have a type of disorder needs help, but those they love and live with also need to be involved. As you try to help yourself, he needs to be more supportive and help you as well. If he wants to keep growing the relationship he needs to be involved. Please don't put all the blame on yourself. Even if you have a disorder, he has fueled it by his infidelity. It's good you can get past it, if you have. But he also should understand how he's contributed to this and needs to help make you feel more secure. Don't look at it as blame either.. just look at it as a chance to grow and repair things that may have gotten off track. You have learned how things can trigger your fear and are working now to do what you can to lessen that anxiety. =) Try to remain possitive. You seem to know what's going on within you to a degree and that alone is a possitive step =) Do let us know how things go. And again, Please do NOT take all the blame on this. Put it out there as a relationship issue and that you both need to help so that things aren't so difficult. A couple should work together. No matter who may need help from time to time, it's something you should tackle together when it affects you both as this clearly does. You care about him else you wouldn't want to make things better for you both. I'll be sending you positive vibes =)
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