Struggling with jealousy

[New Again]

First, I know that this probably isn't a huge deal. I just need some advice/tips on how to deal with it (my MO is to always keep it to myself, but then I start overanalyzing and overthinking everything).

 

This guy I'm dating is friends with his ex-gf, and a lot of his good friends are also friends with his ex-gf. They dated off and on for two years, and they broke up about two years ago. She currently has a bf.

 

He has a picture of him and her together, face up, in the drawer where he keeps his condoms. It's been there the entire time I've known him.

 

I recently met his ex at a party (her bf was also there). My guy spent a good 20 minutes chatting with her, just the two of them. The rest of the night he hung out with the guys while I was with the girls, and at the end of the night he was hanging out with me pretty much the whole time.

 

But, I am jealous of the time he spent talking alone with his ex.

 

The next day he apologized for the ex being there, saying he didn't know she'd be there, and was I angry or uncomfortable that she was there. I said it was fine; later I wondered if the reason he thought it might be uncomfortable was because there were unresolved feelings or something, so I asked him if they were both over each other. He said yes. That night, I noticed that the picture in the drawer was turned face down.

 

I know this seems incredibly dumb, but for some reason I'm obsessing about this.

[boogieboy]

I asked him if they were both over each other. He said yes.

You expected him to tell you no? You cant believe what he says. Believe what he does.

 

Ive never been friends with an ex, while still keeping photos and things of her, so I dont know what hes thinking.

 

So from my perspective, theres only two things you can do, since youre feeling inadequate with your jealousy.

 

You can do things all kinds of things for him that will make him forget about her, and have him thinking "my new girl is SOO fantastic, my ex is a pig compared to her". But you have to up your game, you willing to do that?

 

or you can bail out. If you dont have the confidence to think that you are such a great gf that you will never lose him to her, youre going to continue to resent him everytime she comes up.

 

You might have to accept that you might not be in a great position right now. Bad timing. Problem is you do nt have proof...

[kizik]

I too would be suspicious and jealous if my (hypothetical) GF was good friends with her BF. My thoughts would be, "If they're such good friends, what's stopping them from f*cking?"

 

I think you should tell him that their R makes you uncomfortable. His reaction ("chill out" or "OK, I'll stop seeing her") will tell you volumes about him.

[hoping2heal]

First, I know that this probably isn't a huge deal. I just need some advice/tips on how to deal with it (my MO is to always keep it to myself, but then I start overanalyzing and overthinking everything).

 

This guy I'm dating is friends with his ex-gf, and a lot of his good friends are also friends with his ex-gf. They dated off and on for two years, and they broke up about two years ago. She currently has a bf.

 

He has a picture of him and her together, face up, in the drawer where he keeps his condoms. It's been there the entire time I've known him.

 

I recently met his ex at a party (her bf was also there). My guy spent a good 20 minutes chatting with her, just the two of them. The rest of the night he hung out with the guys while I was with the girls, and at the end of the night he was hanging out with me pretty much the whole time.

 

But, I am jealous of the time he spent talking alone with his ex.

 

The next day he apologized for the ex being there, saying he didn't know she'd be there, and was I angry or uncomfortable that she was there. I said it was fine; later I wondered if the reason he thought it might be uncomfortable was because there were unresolved feelings or something, so I asked him if they were both over each other. He said yes. That night, I noticed that the picture in the drawer was turned face down.

 

I know this seems incredibly dumb, but for some reason I'm obsessing about this.

 

 

Why is he keeping pictures of her around? I don't understand that part.

[New Again]

Why is he keeping pictures of her around? I don't understand that part.

 

I don't really think anything of the fact that he has a picture...I have pics of exes; I have a friend who has pics of her ex in her underwear drawer and she's def. over him...it's more the location of the photo that bothers me, combined with the fact that it's been face up for over a year and then after that convo he turned it face down, but left it in the drawer.

 

I feel like it should be in a place that he doesn't see every single time he hooks up with someone else (me).

[boogieboy]

I don't really think anything of the fact that he has a picture...I have pics of exes; I have a friend who has pics of her ex in her underwear drawer and she's def. over him...it's more the location of the photo that bothers me, combined with the fact that it's been face up for over a year and then after that convo he turned it face down, but left it in the drawer.

 

I feel like it should be in a place that he doesn't see every single time he hooks up with someone else (me).

 

Why do you have pics of your exs?

Do you still hang out with them?

if you dont hang with them, whats the point of keeping the pictures?

[New Again]

Why do you have pics of your exs?

Do you still hang out with them?

if you dont hang with them, whats the point of keeping the pictures?

 

I'm friendly with all my exes but one. I don't hang out with any of them and rarely talk to any of them. However, just because you break up with someone doesn't mean you need to purge your life of every tiny aspect of that person - that seems dramatic and immature to me, assuming the break up is on good terms and is a clean break.

 

All pictures of exes are packed away in a shoebox somewhere. Maybe one day when I move or do some major cleaning or something I'll get rid of them when I stumble across that box. As it is I have never even cared enough to take the time to find them and throw them away.

[New Again]

Well I (finally) told my guy that I was creeped out that he has a picture of his ex in the same drawer he keeps his condoms and he (and sometimes I) see it every time we hook up. I asked, "Does that picture really have to be in that specific drawer?"

 

He said that he would throw it away, or replace it with a picture of me; and apologized for the fact that it was there, said that he just never even thinks about it. So this is good, since I only implied he should move it, and he offered to throw it away.

 

I'm still bothered by the fact that he never thought to move it or get rid of it until I brought it up (especially since he recently obviously thought to turn it face down, but still didn't move it). I can't bring that up though, because he would know that I went into the drawer on my own and saw that it was face down. I'm kind of hoping that he forgets to toss it or move it and next time we're hooking up it's still there so I can bring it up.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

I'm still bothered by the fact that he never thought to move it or get rid of it until I brought it up (especially since he recently obviously thought to turn it face down, but still didn't move it). I can't bring that up though, because he would know that I went into the drawer on my own and saw that it was face down. I'm kind of hoping that he forgets to toss it or move it and next time we're hooking up it's still there so I can bring it up.

 

I had alot of pictures of female friends on my computer, including pictures from girls i had been flirting with or dating. I knew i had them on my computer but never thought about removing them, untill my current girlfriend noticed them and said she was a little uncomfortable with me having those pictures. I offered to delete them and so i did.

 

I think you should just let it go and be glad he offered to throw away the picture.

[fallendisguise]

I keep pictures of my ex's as well. The way I look at it is, they were a part of your life and just because something ceases to exist should you throw it away? I've thrown the letters, tickets, sentimental stuff away, but I like to keep pictures. Maybe I'm just afraid that I'll have alzheimer's one day and need pics to remember my youth. As a matter of fact, I have a pic of me and my ex on my fridge with pics of all my other friends and family. Why? Because we're still friends and he is someone who is important to me. I am over him and my new guy has not said anything about it. If it bothers him, of course I'd move it. I guess my concern is why in the drawer with the condoms? He'd have to see it everytime you get it on....? That I don't get. At least he offered to throw it away and if he does, then let it be. If he wasn't over it, he wouldn't throw it away.

[fallendisguise]

Sorry, I also wanted to say that it is ok you feel the way you do. It's one thing for someone to keep momentos of their last relationship, but another to have that person still in their lives, even if it is just through mutual friends. At least he is the type of guy that can stay cordial after things have ended. Also, he took you to a party that she could potentially show up at (she did), so it doesn't seem that he is trying to hide you or your relationship from her. I think that says a lot.

[New Again]

Fallendisguise, I completely agree with you about pictures of exes! You're right, the only reason this picture bothers me is because of its location - I'm so creeped out at the thought that he saw it every single time we hooked up - it's not as though the picture is shoved to the back of the drawer or something - it's literally in the front RIGHT next to the condoms. Otherwise I never would have seen it in the first place.

 

I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I'm a little bothered/jealous about his current relationship with his ex. He's friends with other exes and I don't have an issue or ever feel uncomfortable about it.

 

Thanks for the reassuring words!

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Fallendisguise, I completely agree with you about pictures of exes! You're right, the only reason this picture bothers me is because of its location - I'm so creeped out at the thought that he saw it every single time we hooked up - it's not as though the picture is shoved to the back of the drawer or something - it's literally in the front RIGHT next to the condoms. Otherwise I never would have seen it in the first place.

 

I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I'm a little bothered/jealous about his current relationship with his ex. He's friends with other exes and I don't have an issue or ever feel uncomfortable about it.

 

Thanks for the reassuring words!

 

Thats very good to hear. I understand that position of the photo is pretty awkward. It it was a photo album or anything like that ok, but next to condoms is a little odd.

[New Again]

Thats very good to hear. I understand that position of the photo is pretty awkward. It it was a photo album or anything like that ok, but next to condoms is a little odd.

 

Pretty much! I know it's dumb, but I'm still incredibly annoyed that when I said something to him about it he was like "Oh, I never see it, I didn't even think about it, it's not even on my radar." But he obviously DID see it, since he finally turned it face down after I asked if he was over his ex.

 

I'm so annoyed, thinking - well you saw it, so why the hell didn't you move it?!?! And I know it's stupid, because probably he just didn't think too much about it.

 

We actually pretty much never fight about anything, and while this is an issue for me (jealousy), I do wonder if I'm looking to pick a fight or have a little drama or something, because I should be able to leave it at "OK I'll throw it away" but I'm still dying to press the issue with him.

[Thaddeus]

I'm still dying to press the issue with him.

And what will that get you? Seriously... what's to be gained from making this more difficult?

[New Again]

And what will that get you? Seriously... what's to be gained from making this more difficult?

 

I absolutely know that I shouldn't say anything; I know that I should let it go at "I'll throw it away."

 

I do struggle with having to know "why" and I'm sure that he really did just never think about it - but to my mind it's just so obvious that you don't put a pic of an ex RIGHT EXACTLY in a spot related to sex, that you will see every single time you hook up with someone else.

 

I also know that I won't say anything, unless it's not gone next time I see in the drawer.

 

But how do I stop thinking about it and let it go? I know that I'm being crazy/obsessive about this and that it's dumb.

[lora22]

You're right, that is a creepy place to keep a picture of an ex. I can understand why that bothers you so much.

 

However, the location of the picture obviously didn't have any impact on you two hooking up right? I bet he was so focused on getting a condom and making YOU feel good that he really didn't notice the picture - and is anything else in that drawer that he would ever go into it and see the picture if he wasn't hooking up with you?

 

I think it's important to focus on what you said earlier - you suggested he move it, and HE said he would throw it away. This makes it obvious to me that he's not really attached to it, and probably never thinks about it. It's not important to him.

 

I agree it's a little weird that he turned the picture face down but still didn't move it, but maybe that was his subtle attempt at fixing the problem after you asked if he was over his ex? Of course that's when he should have gotten rid of it or moved it (if that's what he was thinking), but maybe he's just a little clueless or something?

 

And of course, if he doesn't throw it away, well you're all set up to ask him why he turned it face down instead of throwing it away - you'll have your answer (which is probably he just didn't think to), and it won't seem like you're being dramatic or crazy or trying to cause problems.

 

Shy of that scenario though, just accept that he said he'll throw it away. Focus on that.

[lora22]

Just thought of this too; it might seem really dumb, but someone told me this a long time ago and it actually helped me a lot:

 

Jealousy is a wasted emotion. Throw it away.

[Trialbyfire]

New Again, there's a way to push the envelope. Take the picture, hide it somewhere and see how he reacts. If he asks about it, just say "Oh, since you said you were going to throw it out, I threw it out for you, since it bothered me". If he throws a hissy fit, you know he never intended to throw it out in the first place, just hide it somewhere else...

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

New Again, there's a way to push the envelope. Take the picture, hide it somewhere and see how he reacts. If he asks about it, just say "Oh, since you said you were going to throw it out, I threw it out for you, since it bothered me". If he throws a hissy fit, you know he never intended to throw it out in the first place, just hide it somewhere else...

 

Yeah, i dont think thats a good idea personally. I would get annoyed and cranky if someone messed with my stuff behind my back dispite my promise i would throw it away.

 

And if he 'hides it somewhere else' then its no longer near the condoms so whats the problem then ?

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, i dont think thats a good idea personally. I would get annoyed and cranky if someone messed with my stuff behind my back dispite my promise i would throw it away.

 

And if he 'hides it somewhere else' then its no longer near the condoms so whats the problem then ?

The problem would be that he's a liar. Don't lie about throwing it away, when that's not what she asked for. And most importantly what's so precious about an exes photo, that you would be willing to lie about it?

[lora22]

 

And if he 'hides it somewhere else' then its no longer near the condoms so whats the problem then ?

 

You might be right about this, since the OP seems to take issue with the specific location of the picture.

 

However, at this point, him simply moving it might also cause an issue if the OP finds out he moved it instead of throwing it away - since he said he would throw it away, implying he doesn't care about the pic/ex.

 

Moving it rather than doing what he said he would might imply that he really is attached to it.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Alright, accept and believe he will throw it away. Next time you notice its still there, mention it.

 

But dont go looking for excuses to bring it up imo.

[New Again]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

Lora, you're right, jealousy is a wasted emotion. I'm normally not a jealous person - not even a little. I've been thinking about why this is bothering me so much. It seems like such a dumb, silly thing to be this upset about.

 

I still haven't put my finger on why I'm jealous, although I suspect having actually met the ex is what sparked all this.

 

However, I've realized that there are other things that are contributing to my jealousy, and for whatever reason I'm just fixated on this one particular aspect of it (the picture of them from when they were dating next to the condoms). Being jealous about a combination of things is what's causing me to want to press the issue on this one thing.

 

A couple of examples of other things that are making me jealous are:

- seeing online pictures of them together recently - at other parties/bars that I wasn't at where basically those two were together the whole time (like the party I went to where he spent 20 mins just talking to her) even though her bf was there

 

- one of his profile pictures is of him, his sister, and his ex gf from one of those parties I wasn't at

 

- after meeting her, when he and I left, he was giving me some background on this girl's relationship with her current bf (they've been together for years - she cheated on my guy several times with the guy she's with now, and dated her current bf when she and my guy were "off again"). I said something along the lines of she sounds pretty demanding (I phrased it as a question - "Oh, is she a little high maintenance/demanding/adjective?) and he totally defended her.

 

** Maybe I should add that the reason I commented on that was because she made her current bf move and get a new job TWICE - first because she thought she wanted to live across the country, and the second time because after a couple months she decided she didn't like it and wanted to move back. To me that's a little high maintenance.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

yeah that sounds high maintanance alright heh.