Jefff Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Well, This might be pretty long, but hopefully someone can help me out.... I'm 24 years old, we started dating when we were 16 in highschool. It went well but then when we graduated I headed off for school in Arkansas on a baseball scholarship, she moved about 3 hours from vancouver (where we're from) to take nursing and play volleyball. We did the long distance thing, it went very well except for once when we broke up for about 6 months after being apart for a year. It was good as we both dated other people, etc...but ended up back together that summer and continued the long distance thing. May 2008 I graduated and moved back to vancouver, however she was still going to school 3 hours away. At this point I had left all my friends behind, and got somewhat depressed about missing them, I got really close to a lot of people in 5 years down there and it was hard to leave all that behind and come home. As a result of this I kind of let myself go, I've always been in good shape, but i got a bit of a belly going on, and I ended up being a bit of a hermit, either staying home watching movies, or working on my car. I guess I just became lazy and unmotivated. And when I went up to see her or she came down to see me i was lazy and unmotivated, and a little bit depressed, I ate garbage, didn't exercise at all and we never really did anything. Anyway, on may 1st this year (my birthday lol) she came down and I could tell there was a problem. We talked about it the next day and she said she was feeling really "disconnected" and unsure about us....said she didn't know how she felt about what she saw in me anymore. She didn't feel like she was "in love" with me anymore. We talked about it and kind of came to the conclusion that it was from the distance (not seeing eachother except for maybe 1 or 2 weekends a month) as well as the fact that I had become so lazy/unmotivated. But we decided that we would try to work things out, and give it a chance. She was finished school and back in the beginning of June, so we'd have a chance to finally be in the same place etc..... Well a couple weeks later it wasn't getting much better, but I didn't expect it to, and was just waiting for June when we could sort it all out. One night i talked to her, and she told me about this other guy. This guy is one of her close friends brother, and lives about 4 hours north of where she was going to school. She met him a couple months earlier and said they really "connected"....she said he saw all the things that she loved about herself in him, that she was attracted to his lifestyle, etc....she told him she had a BF, but this dude didn't really care and sent her a long email professing his love to her. She told him straight up that she was trying to work things out with me, and that she wasn't interested, but this guy didn't really listen and kept texting her. I went up to see her the weekend after i found out about this and we talked about everything. We had a really good couple days together, and she decided that she was going to tell the guy to leave her alone and come home and we would make things work. Well the next weekend i find out she's going to meet the guy, so I text her to call me. She says she went up there to tell him to leave her alone, but by the end of the conversation with him he had convinced her otherwise and now she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. I told her that she had to choose between me and him and i wouldn't be just an option to her....and she said she couldn't decide, but since i was making her make a decision that it was over with us..........2 weeks before we were finally living in the same place again. I couldn't believe it, and was destroyed. I still kept texting and calling her, which probably just made things worse.....but she agreed that we could meet and talk when she got home. We met a few times, talked a lot, and it seemed like things were getting better. She hadn't made any sort of commitments to the dude, but was still talking to him. We went for a couple walks together, went and had lunch a couple times, and she seemed to be opening up to me. This was all over about 2 weeks time.....then she said that he had texted her and said he's going to be moving down here sometime in november so he can have a chance to be with her....this made me furious, and i told her she had to tell him whatever they had was over and that she needs to stop talking to him if its going to work with us. She said she knew this and seemed to agree that she was going to do that. A couple days later I call her and see if she wants to do something that weekend. She says yeah maybe, and then made other plans with her friends. I got kind of mad as she wasn't putting in any effort at all to try to make it work, yet i was trying so hard. So i told her that, and she started crying, and saying how she's so confused and doesn't know what she wants, etc....I went to her house and tried to talk to her, she was crying and couldn't even say anything......So I said I was sorry and I left.... The next day we talked on MSN, she said she needed some space and time to figure herself out, she said she felt i was being too pushy and felt as if she was making decisions based on what i was telling her to, and not what she was thinking. So I agreed to that, I said I would leave her alone for a week and then after that I wouldn't be pushy, we could just go out and have fun, do stuff together and see what happens. I felt good about this and thought it was best. We had this talk on a sunday..... Well I left her alone, until friday when I found out from a mutual friend she was going back up to where she went to school that weekend, and that this other guy was going to be there. This made me furious as I couldn't believe she had asked me to leave her alone, but was still talking to the other guy. I tried to not worry about it, but it tore me up inside and I ended up calling her on friday before she left. The conversation actually went well, We talked about work and stuff, nothing really serious. She said she was going out of town but didn't say anything about this guy. Anyway that weekend I sent her some angry drunk text massages (so stupid i know)....saying how i thought she was probably up there with buddy, and how i was starting to think that she really didn't care about me at all....she didn't reply. I sent her another one the next day apologizing for the messages, she didn't reply to that either. I tried to keep leaving her alone, but it was too hard and on the next friday I called her, and asked her if she was still talking to the guy, she said yes. I got pretty upset and the phone call didn't go well. She sent me an email a couple days later saying that the last couple weekends she had been trying to open up to me and give us a chance, but everytime she was starting to come around i would call or text or email, and she felt pressure and felt like she was coming back to me out of guilt etc...she said there was just too much hurt right now and that maybe we could meet in a couple months when our heads are on straight and we can think clearly....she told me how much she loves me and cares about me, and that she wants to be friends and wants me in her life...but it was fairly obvious that she only wants to be friends and not in a relationship. I replied basically telling her I was sorry for not giving her the space, but knowing that she was still talking to the other dude made it almost impossible to give her that space....etc....I told her that I would give her that space now, and asked her to try to not write me off, and to consider opening up to me again. I told her I needed a couple weeks to sort myself out and to not call me for 2 weeks if she does come around. I wanted to make sure that if she does come around again I wont be all needy and pushy etc....but I said I wouldn't call her again even after those couple weeks, said I'd let her call me if she changes her mind. I never heard back which is expected since i told her not to for two weeks lol.... I sent that message the Sunday before last....so it'll be two weeks this sunday. I've heard from people that she misses me a lot, but she is also still talking to this other guy, and has plans to see him, etc.....they dont have any kind of title or anything, they're not in any kind of real relationship.....mostly im assuming because he lives 7-8 hours away from here and wont move here till november/decemberish.... Now I'll throw in that a lot of good has come from this, it launched me out of the depressed rut i was instantly.....in the last two months my life has made a huge 180.....I've lost 28 pounds (im 6'6, was 256, now 228)....I've been going to the gym 4-5 times a week and running everyday...I've started going out and doing things again, I see my friends a lot more, I've been doing better at work (im an electrical engineer)....been going on hikes every week, me and friend bought a boat and have been camping or boating on the weekends, etc.....I'm so much happier with myself now, I have a lot more confidence. In better shape than I've ever been etc....And I know that if I had been able to do all this a year ago then we wouldn't be having the problems we're having right now. But that being said, I'm consumed by thoughts of her, and it's only getting worse. I miss her terribly and cant beleive she doesn't want to give us a chance now that we dont have the distance between us. Furthermore how she could throw everything we had, 8 years, away for a new guy she barely knows, and who lives 8 hours away. I doubt she'll be calling next week (after the 2 weeks is up).....And as of right now I'm thinking the best thing to do is to not call her or anything.....I feel like she needs to come to me if its going to work....But I'm just not sure how long I'll be able to hold out for, and keep wondering if maybe leaving her alone for too long is just going to let her let go of me. I know she misses me a lot now (heard from mutual friends, etc)....I hate waiting, im not a very patient person, and I just know with the changes I've made in my life we would be happier together now than we've ever been, but I guess she has to want to give it a chance..... so yeah, thats my situation, and I'm wondering if anyone has any opinions...specifically if I should be contacting her in any way? I just want some outside opinions.....
Author Jefff Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 nobody? still cant decide what to do....
marz Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Wow. This is an intense situation. I have never been with anyone this long but I can relate to the love you feel and being consumed by thoughts of her. To be completely honest, and without sounding too harsh, it honestly seems like she is over it and is for some reason continuously keeping you hanging on. Like the carrot. I say this because she doesn't really make an effort but is clearly seeing the other guy. I know that you have been together for so long but I think that you need to try and get over it. She is mean for not saying that she is over it and thinks that you both should move on.. She needs to say this, for you, because that is what you need. It is wrong that she seems to think that a guy who she barely knows is better than you, but maybe she needs time to be alone (since you said those two have to title) and be free. I mean, 8 years is a lifetime and you guys seem very young. If she doesn't call, take it as a no. That's it. I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I know that it's easier said than done, but you can't wait forever, and she seems to think that you will while she is mucking around etc.
Author Jefff Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 To be completely honest, and without sounding too harsh, it honestly seems like she is over it and is for some reason continuously keeping you hanging on. Like the carrot. I say this because she doesn't really make an effort but is clearly seeing the other guy. I know that you have been together for so long but I think that you need to try and get over it. She is mean for not saying that she is over it and thinks that you both should move on.. She needs to say this, for you, because that is what you need. It is wrong that she seems to think that a guy who she barely knows is better than you, but maybe she needs time to be alone (since you said those two have to title) and be free. I mean, 8 years is a lifetime and you guys seem very young. If she doesn't call, take it as a no. That's it. I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I know that it's easier said than done, but you can't wait forever, and she seems to think that you will while she is mucking around etc. Yeah, I see what you're saying, and dont worry about being blunt, lol.... Thing is I'm starting to think she honestly has no idea what she wants, hence why she is trying to get to know this other guy better, but she feels after 8 years she knows me well enough. In a perfect world I would forget about her and move on, and thats what I've been trying to do 100% this last couple weeks of NC.....but letting go just isn't happening....no matter how hard i try......But it also seems as if she wants to see what this guys about, and knows that if it doesn't work out with him, I'll still be here for her...not to happy about that I am going on a date tomorrow night with another girl though, i feel bad almost as if i'm leader her (new girl) on by dating her when i'm still all about the ex, but hell its just a date, it should be fun if nothing else...lol.. Im thinking the best Idea is just to give her that space, and do my best to move on.....even though I honestly cant see myself being able to let go for a long time. The only thing is I hate that she's getting to know this other guy better while I leave her alone. I guess I'm wondering if I should lay it down saying that I'm not going to be there anymore if things dont work out with this new guy....if that would just hurt things more, and push her further away.....or if i should just leave it alone
Narf Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hey I think your doing the right thing leaving her alone... I know you want to talk to her and remind her you are there but really that is what she said pushed her away in the first place... I would try to accept that for now it is done... The fact she talked to the other guy and told you she needed space is not fair on you, she should of been talking to you. She allowed the confusion by hanging out and chatting to another guy she is interested in. Im sure she does still have feeling for you and misses you greatly but the fact she has another guy would be a MASSIVE red flag. She is doing damage to your trust. Good luck i would let her contact you, but try not to wait for it (i kow that is near impossible) You need to get out of the grey area... I think you need to get your self esteem back and take the decision from her. You need to look at what has been happening logically and decide what is best for you. To pursue (i would strongly advise no) or to let go and see what else is out there
Author Jefff Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 yeah, well i've also been thinking that part of it is she knows how I feel about her, i was stupid at first and was pretty needy and begged a lot....so she feels that she can get to know this guy better, see what he's all about and then if it doesn't work with him she thinks i'll be sitting here waiting for her.... The guy does live 8 hours away, I'm sure she'll go up and visit him a couple times, or he'll come down and visit her, but I dont think she's going to jump into any kind of committed relationship with him being so far away. He said he might be moving down here (she told me all this while we were trying to work things out) at the end of the year (november/december).... I'm sure I will see her again before she moves down here, she said in the last email she sent me that in a couple months we could go for coffee or something and hopefully our guards will be down and we'll be able to talk about things without getting all emotional.....I'm just worried by that time she'll be closer to him, and I'll be kicking myself for not trying to do something sooner.... but yeah, I will give it another week of NC....shouldn't be hard as I'm going on a 3 day hiking trip fri-sunday, have a date tomorrow night and going to do some work on my new boat (big hole in the hull, didn't see a rock! ahahha).... but thanks for the replies guys....its good to get some outside opinions, I'm trying to not talk about it with my friends anymore cause I think they're getting sick of hearing about it lol
marz Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I guess I'm wondering if I should lay it down saying that I'm not going to be there anymore if things dont work out with this new guy....if that would just hurt things more, and push her further away.....or if i should just leave it alone Do not do that because you know perfectly well that if it doesn't work out with him and she gets a bit lonely, she will come crying back to you and your love for her will just come pouring out all over the pavement again. Leave it alone. I agree with Narf. It is impossible to not wait for her response, but try giving yourself a further date, like maybe the end of the year. Tell yourself that she will get in contact with you then and it's a long way away. It's fantastic that you are going to see someone else. Do not mention 'the love of your life' to her though lol. It is the one and only thing on your mind, no doubt, and I know that you aren't seeing her because you are interested, but she is a person too, so don't go hurting peoples..
Author Jefff Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 It's fantastic that you are going to see someone else. Do not mention 'the love of your life' to her though lol. It is the one and only thing on your mind, no doubt, and I know that you aren't seeing her because you are interested, but she is a person too, so don't go hurting peoples.. definitely....I did feel a little awkward about it, so I told her that i just got out of a long term relationship and I'm not looking for anything really serious, and she said she was in the same boat, so i'm happy for that, it'll be good for both of us
marz Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 definitely....I did feel a little awkward about it, so I told her that i just got out of a long term relationship and I'm not looking for anything really serious, and she said she was in the same boat, so i'm happy for that, it'll be good for both of us Good good
NopeNah Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Have fun on your date! There's ALOT of beautiful women out there!
selena_cat Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hey Jeff,welcome to LS,if you are new here, I say its time to employ the famous NCR Rule, No Contact, meaning dont msg her or reply to her msgs unless she really really means to get back with you its hard, i know it but your just going to be strung along,like u have been already. she's obviously trying to get with this new guy,meanwhile heep telling you i dont know,is that fair? all u will do is figure,hope,wish,even obsess,what can u do to help a hopeless situation, you're a guy,plenty of other gals out there,really time to open your eyes and go out there and meet other people,that will help,no need to chase after anyone,spoken from someone whose soo been there.
Author Jefff Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Hey Jeff,welcome to LS,if you are new here, I say its time to employ the famous NCR Rule, No Contact, meaning dont msg her or reply to her msgs unless she really really means to get back with you its hard, i know it but your just going to be strung along,like u have been already. she's obviously trying to get with this new guy,meanwhile heep telling you i dont know,is that fair? all u will do is figure,hope,wish,even obsess,what can u do to help a hopeless situation, you're a guy,plenty of other gals out there,really time to open your eyes and go out there and meet other people,that will help,no need to chase after anyone,spoken from someone whose soo been there. thanks for the welcome and advice.... yeah, I've been No contact for 15 days now, I did drive by her yesterday (not stalking, just randomly on my way to work) and waved, she waved back lol....but thats the extent of contact for the last 15 days, and she hasn't tried to contact me, except for a comment (completely meaningless comment) on one of my pictures on facebook, which I ignored..... I do feel like I would really like to give us a chance, as the problems with our relationship, the distance, and me being in that depressed/lazy rut are gone now, and I know things would be a lot different. Not necessarily saying everything would be perfect, but I do see a lot of potential and would really like to see how things worked out, if anything just because we did the long distance thing for so long and it seems like a huge waste to not even try it out without the distance. But I do see now that thats her decision to make, and it will only work if she comes to me. As for going out and meeting new girls, I do have that date tonight, but that kinda fell into my hands, I wasn't looking for it, but I'll go at it with an open mind and see what happens. Other than that though I think I'm ok with being single for a while. I've got a lot going on in my life, and I'm starting to be pretty happy again. So yeah, I'm hoping she can find some clarity, whether she wants to be with this new guy, or give us a shot (hearing from a mutual friend last night that she really is undecided, and doesn't know what she wants). I'm going to leave her alone and keep doing the things that make me happy. I've been doing a lot of hiking, and me and a buddy are thinking about getting into some BASE jumping.....I'm also going to get a motorbike again, and fix my blown up transmission in my subaru (400HP impreza that i autocross, drag and road race), get some wakeboarding in, etc.....so my plate is pretty full and I wont be sitting around all depressed about her absence......I'm sure she'll call or text or something sometime in the next couple months.....so maybe I'll be posting up here again trying to get some more opinions on what to do at that point, but for now I'm gonna try to not worry about it..... thanks again guys, its always good to hear from people in the same, or similar situations.....makes u feel not so alone and confused.
selena_cat Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 One thing you dont want to do is wait around till she makes up her mind,believe me i am now in the same boat,not exactly the same model boat,but struggling w/trying to let someone go who has someone else, so i have lots of things to tell,but not here,i have to let go and u will too,keep yourself busy like youre doing and i'm here to help,anytime:) have fun w/your date,and no comparing new person w/the ex!
Author Jefff Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 One thing you dont want to do is wait around till she makes up her mind,believe me i am now in the same boat,not exactly the same model boat,but struggling w/trying to let someone go who has someone else, so i have lots of things to tell,but not here,i have to let go and u will too,keep yourself busy like youre doing and i'm here to help,anytime:) have fun w/your date,and no comparing new person w/the ex! for sure man. Definitely dont want to be waiting around. I just feel like after 8 years together I could use some time single, to not have any sort of commitments etc....if a girl comes along i'll jump all over it (like the date tonight).....if not I'm not worried.....if she comes crawling back we'll see how that goes when the time comes.... sorry to hear you're in the same boat man....definitely not a lot of fun....
Author Jefff Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 How was the date Jeffrey? went ok... i dunno though, i think it's still soon ended up making me just miss the ex a lot...overall made things worse.... was fun though
selena_cat Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 went ok... i dunno though, i think it's still soon ended up making me just miss the ex a lot...overall made things worse.... was fun though I know what happened,while youre out on that date,at the dinner table,you were probably wondring,what your ex was doing,or whether she was having dinner w/him,which is most likely, or why wasn't she the one sitting at the table in front of you,so all u do is think about it,or you perhaps constantly check your phone to see if there are any txt msgs or calls,i know b/c i've done the same,, my guess is unless your super attracted to the person u r dating,believe me your ex will slip your mind,so unless i myself really like the person i'm out with,i'd rather stay home and watch The "Mentalist" it'll just take time,maybe u should try other activities besides dating,i'm part of this cool,meet up group that goes out to dinner in different restaurants in the city i hope it helps,i'll check in this post to see how youre doing. Selena
Author Jefff Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I know what happened,while youre out on that date,at the dinner table,you were probably wondring,what your ex was doing,or whether she was having dinner w/him,which is most likely, or why wasn't she the one sitting at the table in front of you,so all u do is think about it,or you perhaps constantly check your phone to see if there are any txt msgs or calls,i know b/c i've done the same,, my guess is unless your super attracted to the person u r dating,believe me your ex will slip your mind,so unless i myself really like the person i'm out with,i'd rather stay home and watch The "Mentalist" it'll just take time,maybe u should try other activities besides dating,i'm part of this cool,meet up group that goes out to dinner in different restaurants in the city i hope it helps,i'll check in this post to see how youre doing. Selena yes and no...i mean i definitely thought about her....not so much what she was doing but just about her in general..... as for dating, well i had a really good time...but yeah, just too soon and still caught up on teh ex..... today has been better though, im starting to think about all the things I didn't like about her, instead of the last few weeks where she was faultless in my mind......so thats good, maybe im starting to let go? who knows.....10$ says as soon as i let go she'll be calling lol..... as for other activities, if anything i have too much on my plate already....work is getting busy again too....so i think i'll be just fine... thanks again guys
marz Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 You're awesome! Good job!! I am very happy for you Jeff!
Author Jefff Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 You're awesome! Good job!! I am very happy for you Jeff! ahah thanks.... honestly i didn't think it would be feeling better about everything so fast.... i mean theres definitely still times i really miss her and all that.....it gets bad at times, especially at night..... but i guess im just trying to not worry about it, i honestly have no idea what im going to do if she calls, i'd still like to really give it shot with her, but at the same time im starting to think that after everything that happened it might just fail miserably.....i dont think she'll call for a while, so worrying about it is pretty stupid.....i'll deal with that when it happens....and im sure i'll bring this thread up from the dead.....
marz Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Don't worry about what she will say now. You will know what to do when she calls.. If she calls. There are thousands more fish in the sea. I know people always say that but it's true. Do the boating and stuff, get full on in your work, and you will be fine. Best of luck. Mariella.
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