I want what I can't have

[hockysa]

What is your exact position? Somebody who is willing to risk a healthy relationship for a new sexual experience? Then surely anyone who has ever cheated or have wanted to cheat is in your position?

 

If your girlfriend has said no, that means she's not into it. Just like if you asked her if you sleep with her sister/mother/aunt/friend and she said no.

 

Learn to respect boundaries, or leave her and find a girl who will indulge your desires. Believe it or not, having a threesome is not a right that you are owed.

 

*sigh*

to know my position read the background in the very first post.

 

I haven't asked my gf again the thread is not about convincing her

 

I do respect the boundaries once again I'm not trying to convince her about performing a threesome. I have not i repeat HAVE NOT asked again for a threesome.

 

she is totally unaware that I have such a strong desire. to her knowledge all she thought was I was horny and I wanted to do something kinkii

[Thaddeus]

Hockysa, I think it's clear that you already have your answer but you seem to be looking for an answer that will give you license to ask your GF about it again.

 

So, to be really direct and to directly answer the two questions posed in your OP:

So what I'm asking is, for the older males do those feelings of wanting such a fantasy ever go away?? What I'm hoping for is for it to fade away.

It may or may not. Entirely depends on how much you focus on it.

Will something I've wanted for such a long time (most of my life) ever fade?

Same answer.

[hockysa]

Hockysa, I think it's clear that you already have your answer but you seem to be looking for an answer that will give you license to ask your GF about it again.

 

So, to be really direct and to directly answer the two questions posed in your OP:

It may or may not. Entirely depends on how much you focus on it.

Same answer.

 

thank you, thank you very much

 

I don't wish to ask her again. Having a threesome with her would end our relationship.

 

I left this out initially but the reason I wanted to know if such feelings fade or not was

to help me decide whether the relationship should end now or not

 

for awhile I felt like I was talking to a brick wall and this thread got misguided

[hockysa]

Just thought I'd update this post.

 

Some of you might be happy to know that I've since left this girl and deeply regret it.

 

I would assume that alot of people here would think that I deserve this fate and I don't disagree.

 

I would do anything to have this girl back in my life but she's either on the rebound or has already moved on with a man that potentially deserves her more than I do.

 

Sucks that it had to be this way but I would have never fully appreciated her unless this happened.

 

 

Life sucks...

Edited April 20, 2010 by hockysa

[CLC2008]

Sorry if this is posted in the wrong section, but I'd really like a few opinions on my situation.

 

Background

I'm a male dating a girl, been with her 2+ years officially maybe 3 unofficially.

So it's not a lifetime, but I can't say that it's a short time either.

 

I really like this girl, I can picture myself being happily married to her, have kids running around doing picnics and other sorts of family outings.

 

I wouldn't say that she loves me more than I love her, but when I think about it it does seem like she cares more for me than I do her.

And that my attraction spawns from her caring and affection.

 

 

 

Problem

I really want to have a threesome. She doesn't. I know she doesn't because I've brought the topic up before. She's not into girls and she will be very jealous. She already got jealous over the idea.

 

but...

 

She also loves me very much and would probably do it for me if she knew how much I wanted it. She would do anything for me.

But that doesn't help me because if that happened I'd be overcome with guilt, and wouldn't be able to enjoy my fantasy.

 

 

I've wanted one for such a long time I remember saying after my previous girlfriend that I'd never get into another relationship till I got what I wanted. After futile attempts sleeping around I somehow got into a relationship.

 

So what I'm asking is, for the older males do those feelings of wanting such a fantasy ever go away?? What I'm hoping for is for it to fade away.

Will something I've wanted for such a long time (most of my life) ever fade?

 

It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. She's not into open relationships, and if your need for one pushes her boundaries to the point where she gives in, she will only end up resenting you for it in the end.

[hockysa]

It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. She's not into open relationships, and if your need for one pushes her boundaries to the point where she gives in, she will only end up resenting you for it in the end.

 

Yeah, I don't want it anymore. I just want her and only her but it's too late now....

 

I'm still hoping a miracle happens and that she leaves her current boyfriend and gives me another chance, but I highly doubt that.

[2sunny]

are you always so obsessive and self centered about things you can't have?

 

seems like it.

 

and just to clarify - you can't pm yet unless you pay money to be on this site... you have to wait. hope you don't obsess about that one too.

 

i think your exgf just got herself a huge favor when you two broke up. first things first - lose the ego if you want to seem even slightly desirable.

[Rearden Metal]

See this thread.

 

There's a time to be honest and forthright, and there's a time to keep your yap shut and leave it in the world of fantasy.

 

This is the latter.

 

FWIW, threesomes aren't all they're cracked up to be. Trust me on this.

 

QFT, they're so much more fun fantasizing about than actually doing.

[hockysa]

are you always so obsessive and self centered about things you can't have?

 

seems like it.

 

and just to clarify - you can't pm yet unless you pay money to be on this site... you have to wait. hope you don't obsess about that one too.

 

i think your exgf just got herself a huge favor when you two broke up. first things first - lose the ego if you want to seem even slightly desirable.

 

Wow you are a dick. Although I agree with what you're saying, afterall I've already said it.

 

Think you need to lose the ego if you want to seem slightly considerate.

 

QFT, they're so much more fun fantasizing about than actually doing.

 

yeah I think so too now.

not that I got one, just when I imagine it now I doubt things will happen the way I wanted it to like in the movies and stuff.

[Ilovecake]

I don't think the problem is with what you want but that you're so obsessed about it to a point that you're willing to ruin two lives to get it. That's messed up. I think before you live out your fantasy you might want to try some therapy.

 

Like someone else said why didn't you make this happen when you were single? You know you could have just paid for it.

Edited April 20, 2010 by Ilovecake

[linwood]

So what I'm asking is, for the older males do those feelings of wanting such a fantasy ever go away?? What I'm hoping for is for it to fade away.

Will something I've wanted for such a long time (most of my life) ever fade?

 

After a while you realize fantasy is really better off left as fantasy.

The reality is seldom as good.

 

There`s really no one size fits all answer to whether these desires will "fade away" or not.

 

The bigger picture you should be looking at is your sexual compatibility with this girl.

 

Threesomes she doesn`t want but you do.

There`s an incompatibility right there.

 

I don`t think that`s a big or worthy problem ( because I`m pretty sure you don`t know what you`re asking for)but it may be a clue to give some thought about the ways each of you relates to sex and what you want out of it.

[linwood]

OOps..sorry.

 

Must read whole thread before replying!!

[Ilovecake]

and for gods sake

you're = you are

your = belonging to you.

[sacg]

My god, three pages, the geezers a wind up!

[hockysa]

and for gods sake

you're = you are

your = belonging to you.

 

who made that mistake?

[confused and broken]

When I read your first post I was going to say that you should have a threesome because the poor woman you were with doesn't deserve to be with someone sitting around obsessing over threesomes, but I guess you already fixed that.

 

So now go out there and be a man make your fantasy come true... get it out of your system and then write and tell us what new crazy fantasy your into (foursome maybe?)

 

You are never satisfied

 

First you need to get satisfied with yourself

[hockysa]

When I read your first post I was going to say that you should have a threesome because the poor woman you were with doesn't deserve to be with someone sitting around obsessing over threesomes, but I guess you already fixed that.

 

So now go out there and be a man make your fantasy come true... get it out of your system and then write and tell us what new crazy fantasy your into (foursome maybe?)

 

You are never satisfied

 

First you need to get satisfied with yourself

 

Nah unfortunately my lust for a threesome left when I'd realised I'd lost her.

 

If anything, I think as much as I wanted a threesome, I didn't just want it with anybody I wanted it with her.

 

*edit* I just want her in general

Edited April 21, 2010 by hockysa

[CLC2008]

Yours was a sexual need that involved more than one person, who didn't share the same need, in order to fulfill the need of one person (you).

 

Suffice to say we are all "selfish" by nature. But it's not fair to impose a non-monogamous lifestyle onto someone if/when they don't share the same mindset. I guess for the same reason that those who need, want and believe in a monogamous relationship, shouldn't frown upon or impose those beliefs onto those who don't.

[hockysa]

Yours was a sexual need that involved more than one person, who didn't share the same need, in order to fulfill the need of one person (you).

 

Suffice to say we are all "selfish" by nature. But it's not fair to impose a non-monogamous lifestyle onto someone if/when they don't share the same mindset. I guess for the same reason that those who need, want and believe in a monogamous relationship, shouldn't frown upon or impose those beliefs onto those who don't.

 

I can't tell whether I'm being selfish or not at the moment.

 

I wish I could give it all up just to have her back. I can't even look at another woman in my current condition without thinking about her and feeling guilty about the fact that I wanted more than just her.

[mickleb]

Quick note to people posting on this thread without reading the whole thread: read the whole thread.

 

Quick note re. being able to PM others: you don't need to pay to do so, just need to make a certain number of posts here for a certain amount of time. Not sure what the 'certain' bit is though.. ask a mod on that one, if you want to.

 

Quick note to the OP: I'm sorry you have learned all this the hard way.

 

Your thread title sums it all up. You now have (at least) two examples of this. You could be commitment phobic, which, if you're young (early twenties?), might not be SO terrible. But you're not happy, so it's probably best you investigate this possibility now, to avoid the cycle continuing. Get hold of a Stephen Carter book and consider therapy (and, if you think I'm way off the mark, neither of these actions will do you any harm.)

 

I suggest you delve into what you REALLY want from a partner before pursuing thoughts of your ex further, or anyone else.

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

x

[teanoranges]

Not to throw a rocket in a fire...

but I'm sure that if you got her back, and gave it... oh, say 3 months or so (depending on you), you'd probably go back to craving a threesome...

you are at a tough part in your life and you'll really just need to live yourself out until you realize what you really want..

 

... or something like that.

[hockysa]

Quick note to people posting on this thread without reading the whole thread: read the whole thread.

 

Quick note re. being able to PM others: you don't need to pay to do so, just need to make a certain number of posts here for a certain amount of time. Not sure what the 'certain' bit is though.. ask a mod on that one, if you want to.

 

Quick note to the OP: I'm sorry you have learned all this the hard way.

 

Your thread title sums it all up. You now have (at least) two examples of this. You could be commitment phobic, which, if you're young (early twenties?), might not be SO terrible. But you're not happy, so it's probably best you investigate this possibility now, to avoid the cycle continuing. Get hold of a Stephen Carter book and consider therapy (and, if you think I'm way off the mark, neither of these actions will do you any harm.)

 

I suggest you delve into what you REALLY want from a partner before pursuing thoughts of your ex further, or anyone else.

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

x

 

Thanks for the advice. You could be right, it's been a month now I'm doing ok now. I don't think I'm afraid of commitment anymore, I think I'll wait for this girl for as long as I can. Either till she gets sick of this new boyfriend of hers or till I'm sure that she's fallen in love with him. Else for now I'm still worried that she could be making a huge mistake being underexperienced and unknowingly going on the rebound, I'd like to be the one that catches her when and if she falls.

 

Not to throw a rocket in a fire...

but I'm sure that if you got her back, and gave it... oh, say 3 months or so (depending on you), you'd probably go back to craving a threesome...

you are at a tough part in your life and you'll really just need to live yourself out until you realize what you really want..

 

... or something like that.

 

That could be true too, maybe somewhere inside I'll always think yeah it would be nice to have one but my priorities are different now.

 

It's like how I always loved my girlfriend, its just that I used to think getting a threesome would be more important than keeping her. I now know better.

 

Also I'm not one to go back on my word.

[mickleb]

This is why I'm suggesting you read something by Stephen Carter. You've now gone into 'passive CP' mode by waiting around forever for someone who is no longer interested.

 

You need to move on from this. Learn from it. Learn about you and try again.

 

Otherwise this little dance around reality will become an unbroken circle.

 

Good luck.

 

x

[Els]

If you really want a threesome so much, will you consider one with another man instead, or a lesbian girl who will only interact with her? After you try that it might dim your perception of it enough that you won't yearn for one anymore.

 

Edit: Whoops, a lot happened since this thread started huh. I can only wish you all the best now.

[hockysa]

This is why I'm suggesting you read something by Stephen Carter. You've now gone into 'passive CP' mode by waiting around forever for someone who is no longer interested.

 

You need to move on from this. Learn from it. Learn about you and try again.

 

Otherwise this little dance around reality will become an unbroken circle.

 

Good luck.

 

x

 

What's a passive cp?

 

I've been reading a lot on what to do about the situation but most of the books are specifically for males that have been dumped by females because of their over protectiveness.

 

also could you please clarify the dance around reality circle thing, what are you referring to specifically?

 

 

If you really want a threesome so much, will you consider one with another man instead, or a lesbian girl who will only interact with her? After you try that it might dim your perception of it enough that you won't yearn for one anymore.

 

Edit: Whoops, a lot happened since this thread started huh. I can only wish you all the best now.

 

lol thanks