Do I need to find a new website???? Too pre-occupied by sex???

[Toodamnpragmatic]

True but if that occured Nature wouldn't win, now that I understand what's in front of me I can deal with it or at least choose to do so. No fault of the lovely ladies, I feel this is entirely a genetic trait.

 

Yes and no..... While predominantly men complain, I have heard of a few lucky ones....

 

Giotto, you said something interesting that counseling brought out deeper issues. Can I guess this was on your wife's part, not yours? I ask because as a sexist;), I imagine women have triggers that fester much longer and deeper then men. I am sure my wife has many issues with me, no more then I have with her, but she would consider her's much more important.

 

Then you talk about the resentment in even when it improved to once a week, was it at least enjoyable for her?

 

Been through this before, when I say if a woman orgasms, does not that mean it worked (could be a really good one or just ok)? Men too have different grades of orgasms, but none that I would characterize as bad...... If it works, then why do you not want to do it more? Are we talking putting aside 10 minutes for it, 30 minutes or 2 hours???? It is seldom a time issue as I see it...

[giotto]

Yes and no..... While predominantly men complain, I have heard of a few lucky ones....

 

Giotto, you said something interesting that counseling brought out deeper issues. Can I guess this was on your wife's part, not yours? I ask because as a sexist;), I imagine women have triggers that fester much longer and deeper then men. I am sure my wife has many issues with me, no more then I have with her, but she would consider her's much more important.

 

Then you talk about the resentment in even when it improved to once a week, was it at least enjoyable for her?

 

Been through this before, when I say if a woman orgasms, does not that mean it worked (could be a really good one or just ok)? Men too have different grades of orgasms, but none that I would characterize as bad...... If it works, then why do you not want to do it more? Are we talking putting aside 10 minutes for it, 30 minutes or 2 hours???? It is seldom a time issue as I see it...

 

where do I start?

 

Counselling: my wife's always been a "reserved" type of woman. She just would not open up and everytime I had to extract her feelings with a pair of pliers. It was like sucking blood from a stone! This was due to some issues in her childhood. When we started going to counselling, obviously she found it quite difficult and she didn't enjoy to hear what I had to say. I was brutally frank and I said that I would leave if our sex life didn't improve. But then, during the sessions, I changed my mind and I said I could never leave the children. So, it was set in stone. I would not leave, so the power was back in her hands and sex went down to once a month... she even proposed a sexless marriage!

 

Everytime I complained she said it was "me, me me"! I was trapped. I could not leave and we had no sex. My resentment grew so much, that I became impossible to live with and she finally left me at the end of last December. I spent New year's Eve with friends! But then we got back together and we separated again, because she said she didn't know whether she could have sex with me ever again. So, I wrote her a letter saying that I was leaving. That's when she decided to "compromise". To keep the family together (when we separated I didn't leave the house and we didn't tell the children). She asked me how often I wanted sex and I said "once a week". She agreed. We are back together and we have sex I would say once every 10 days, which is ok with me, also because I don't care about it anymore! It's not good when you know that your wife is having sex with you just to keep you there and that she would be quite happy to lead a sexless life.

 

Funnily enough, she enjoys sex very much and she always has. I must say she is a lot more sexual now. She has a powerful orgasm every time. Why she doesn't want it more often is a mystery to me. But surely it has something to do with being 'in the mood', being 'right... When she is ready, she is very happy to have sex, but it has to be right in her head. I have stopped complaining and behaving in a resentful way, so I suppose she is pleased about that. But, unfortunately, the toy is broken for me, after all she put me through... I care about her, but if I could get out, I would...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and yes I equate an orgasm to everything working.... and it being enjoyable.

 

So I say to her "but i have not brought it up for 3 weeks"..... She responds "Doesn't matter, I know it is there....."

 

No winning....

[Thaddeus]

So I say to her "but i have not brought it up for 3 weeks"..... She responds "Doesn't matter, I know it is there....."

 

No winning....

Unsurprising, I'm afraid.

 

When sex is working in a relationship, it's never a problem. But when it's not working, or one partner is holding out, then it becomes the sole focus. That's why I always say that EVERYTHING in a relationship starts with intimacy. Everything. If there's an exception, I've never heard of one.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Unsurprising, I'm afraid.

 

When sex is working in a relationship, it's never a problem. But when it's not working, or one partner is holding out, then it becomes the sole focus. That's why I always say that EVERYTHING in a relationship starts with intimacy. Everything. If there's an exception, I've never heard of one.

 

Whether you believe it or not, we are a happy couple, we are affectionate (i.e. do sleep together, fairly closely, sit on the couch with her feet on me.....). Enjoy each others company and plan on staying together for many many years......

 

This site is cathartic and let's me get things out, and react and note other's situations and know for the most part I am damn lucky.....

[giotto]

I think you are quite lucky...

[Phateless]

Whether you believe it or not, we are a happy couple, we are affectionate (i.e. do sleep together, fairly closely, sit on the couch with her feet on me.....). Enjoy each others company and plan on staying together for many many years......

 

This site is cathartic and let's me get things out, and react and note other's situations and know for the most part I am damn lucky.....

 

There must be SOMETHING going on that she won't share with you and for that the blame is on her.

 

When my gf pulled this same crap on me after we'd been together one or two months it nearly broke us up. It came out months later that it was because her finances were in the toilet and she was ashamed to talk about it. She was so stressed about it all the time that she couldn't think of sex. She kept telling me everything was fine and that I was imagining the sharp and sudden dropoff, that it was normal for it to dwindle, etc. She basically tried to BS me when I could sense that SOMETHING was OBVIOUSLY off...

 

Why she chose to self-destruct us rather than admit her money problems is beyond me. That's a major red flag that is still on my mind...

[Thaddeus]

She kept telling me everything was fine and that I was imagining the sharp and sudden dropoff, that it was normal for it to dwindle, etc. She basically tried to BS me when I could sense that SOMETHING was OBVIOUSLY off...

So very common it's almost cliché.

 

He: "I feel that there's something you're not telling me. You keep pushing me away."

 

She: "No, everything's fine."

 

He: "Everything is NOT fine. Please communicate."

 

She: "No, really, everything is FINE."

 

He: "I'll ask you one more time, and one more time only. I know there's something wrong and I'd like you to share it with me."

 

She: "Fercrissakes, EVERYTHING'S FINE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

 

*fast forward a month*

 

She: "There's a problem in our relationship."

 

He: "But you said everything was fine. I took you at your word. You even got mad at me when I asked you about it."

 

She: "You shouldn't have to ask! You should JUST KNOW!!!"

 

(Note: The genders could easily be reversed, this is just an example.)

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think you are quite lucky...

 

 

Actually I am.....

 

Sorry about your situation Giotto.... What amazes me and most men is usually their partners enjoy sex, and then just shrug their shoulders afterwards......

 

I can only imagine the number who watch their spouses watching a re-run of a show they've already seen and upset if their spouse tries to start something that with good mechanics is mutually satisfying and done in 20 minutes or less... Yes in case you're wondering, I am that good....

[OpenBook]

Just want to say, thanks guys for writing about these issues. This thread is definitely an eye-opener, a rare glimpse into marriages from the male point of view... and I think it should be required reading for all W's out there, especially the BS's.

 

With all the heated debates about sex in marriage and infidelity on this forum, there's hardly ever input from the point of view of the MM. And I think that perspective is badly needed in order to get the whole picture of why things go awry in a marriage... and maybe solve some of it so that infidelity becomes a less common occurrence??

 

Maybe not. But one can always dream.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Ellie writes for the Toronto Star and is also syndicated..... Here are a few letters over just the last week. Same answers that amount to a hill of beans as far as I'm concerned....

 

Q: My wife of 17 years and I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. We both play sports, both have nights out with friends, do lots of fun things, have a great family life.

Our only issue is sex.

I always have to ask. She only wants me to be on top, won't participate in oral sex for either of us, and I can't touch her breasts. We talked with a sex therapist, discussed what we wanted from each other and all agreed (including her) that this was her issue.

I know she loves our life together and me. We both make a good living, her body is great.

When we do talk about sex, things get better for a while and then revert.

I don't want to talk with another person, I just want a healthy sex life. We're on the same page with every other aspect of life and our relationship.

Frustrated

A: It may be her issue with regard to some sexual hang-ups but it's a couple's issue with regard to time, effort and energy. You're on the same page but it's a very crowded page!

Parenting two youngsters, working, scheduling all those activities and people...it's keeping up that seems to be the family focus, rather than keeping connected to what brought you two together.

Your wife does need to talk to a counsellor alone about past attitudes or experiences regarding sex that are contributing to this problem. Together, you need to interrupt the activities merry-go-round long enough for cuddling, intimate talks, a regular "date night," and romantic gestures.

It takes more than hopping into bed to have a healthy sex life.

 

 

Now one from a woman....

 

Q: I'm 23, married one year to my Prince Charming. He's 31, funny, outgoing and romantic. However, he didn't make love to me on my wedding night and only did so three times this whole year.

I've tried to be spontaneous, to arouse him – nothing. He says he lacks sleep and consistent workouts. I encourage both, try and dress sexily for him...nothing helps. He assures me I'm attractive to him. It's taken a year for him to see a doctor to check for a medical cause. He has refused counselling. I love him but can't take this for much longer.

Heartbroken

A: Follow up on the doctor's visit and make sure there has been discussion of this sexual void. If there's no medical cause, insist on counselling as a condition of staying together.

It's possible that the realities of marriage (expenses, responsibilities, time usage) have overwhelmed and depressed him, affecting his libido. Or that he has sexual hang-ups owing to past experiences that he has not explored or shared. There's also the possibility he has sexuality issues.

Without working on this, his distance and rejection will ultimately destroy your relationship. Better to address it early.

 

How about the simple answer..... He is ridiculously messed up or gay...

 

Always makes me feel better.....