Do I need to find a new website???? Too pre-occupied by sex???

July 17, 2009

I know I ask questions on this site, very much centered around sex and think that it is/should be a driving force around relationships and marriages. I have asked what is "normal" and am jealous or blown away by those who state 7-10 X's per week....

So I see 3 posts over the past day, which I find fascinating and am the one posting and little traffic. Also have asked the question and stated that infidelity is almost (outside for serial cheaters) entirely based on the lack of sex at home....

Am I obsessed with the importance I place on it?

My spouse makes those comments, though I seldom say anything to her, outside her knowing I am concerned (typical male she says) and she too knows that after a while we should have sex (i.e. if none for 2 weeks.....).

Answer here or to those who have posted and are need of guidance or another perspective.....

July 17, 2009

I know I ask questions on this site, very much centered around sex and think that it is/should be a driving force around relationships and marriages.... Am I obsessed with the importance I place on it?

Well, yes and no.

There's no question that, assuming both parties are healthy, sex is the fundamental component of an intimate relationship. A sexless relationship is no relationship at all, you may as well be strangers sharing a house.

But it's also clear that the two parties have to come to an understanding about frequency. If one partner thinks that once every fortnight is plenty, and the other partner wants it daily, then there's a conflict.

Communicate, my friend, communicate! She cannot read your mind, you cannot read hers.

July 17, 2009

I just don't believe that lack of sex "causes most affairs".

July 17, 2009

What's the old saying? When the sex is good it's about 10% of the relationship, and when it's bad it's more like 90%?

I understand why the topic is so important to you. The questions becomes: what are you going to do about it?

July 17, 2009

I just don't believe that lack of sex "causes most affairs".

Depends on how you look at it. I think I understand what you mean, but there's often a disconnect between the important that a man puts on sex in a relationship from how a woman views it.

In general terms, women tend to involve themselves in affairs because they feel they're not being appreciated or honored in their marriage. This might be manifested by feeling that they're doing all the housework, taking care of the kids and all the rest and the hubby doesn't express his appreciation for all that.

Men tend to get into affairs also because they feel they're not being appreciated at home. The difference is that, rightly or wrongly, men tend to equate sex with appreciation.

So here's what happens, and it's very common:

Women with withdraw from sex because they don't feel appreciated. The man, being consistently rejected in bed, will tend not to do those things around the house that the woman perceives as being appreciative precisely because he's getting rejected sexually.

It all starts in the bedroom (or the stairs, or on the washing machine on the spin cycle... hey, whatever works, right?). A sexually satisfied man is far more likely to do those things that a woman appreciates rather than a man who's constantly being rejected.

It all starts with sex. All of it.

July 17, 2009

Sorry to disagree with you but the older I get the less stress I put on sex in a relationship. Same goes for the friends that I have when we have this conversation. As we are getting older we are placing more importance on the friendship and general affection of the relationship instead of the physical act of sex.

Since sex with out that affection/connection is just masturbation with someone else there.

July 17, 2009

Sorry to disagree with you but the older I get the less stress I put on sex in a relationship. Same goes for the friends that I have when we have this conversation. As we are getting older we are placing more importance on the friendship and general affection of the relationship instead of the physical act of sex.

Yes, I see what you mean and I don't entirely disagree.

It's clear that you have come to that conclusion based on the experience of years, and I absolutely respect that, props to you. My concern was the difference in the desire for sex between two partners who are not at the same stage as you are.

July 17, 2009

Yes, I see what you mean and I don't entirely disagree.

It's clear that you have come to that conclusion based on the experience of years, and I absolutely respect that, props to you. My concern was the difference in the desire for sex between two partners who are not at the same stage as you are.

Oh your concern is a very valid point!!

I live it every day and had to come to terms with it. Because if you don't it leads to nothing but problems down the road. Sex is important yes but it should not be the soul focus on if you are loved/cared for. Which for men is difficult thing to come to grips with.

July 17, 2009

I live it every day and had to come to terms with it. Because if you don't it leads to nothing but problems down the road.

We may be inches away from uncovering a glittering gem of wisdom here, so I'd like to tease it to the surface a bit more.

Pkn, if it's not too personal, how did you and your partner come to some sort of agreement about frequency? It sounds like much could be learned from your experience.

July 17, 2009

Oh your concern is a very valid point!!

I live it every day and had to come to terms with it. Because if you don't it leads to nothing but problems down the road. Sex is important yes but it should not be the soul focus on if you are loved/cared for. Which for men is difficult thing to come to grips with.

You're looking at this backwards. Sex alone is not what men need to feel important. Being sexually rejected all the time can make men feel worthless.

Do you understand the difference?

July 17, 2009

We may be inches away from uncovering a glittering gem of wisdom here, so I'd like to tease it to the surface a bit more.

Pkn, if it's not too personal, how did you and your partner come to some sort of agreement about frequency? It sounds like much could be learned from your experience.

LOL!!!!

How did we come to an agreement???

Well we didn't.

I needed up in an affair where the driving force that made me available for that affair was the lack of affection as measured by a lack of sex. The relationship with the OW was different to the point that I valued her friendship and affection more than the sex. Which opened my eyes to what I really value and how that is different then when I was in my 20's.

So when I decided to reconcile with my wife I just learned to deal with what was available and to accept it. Now that does not mean I am happy about it but it is what it is. But I realize my wife does love me, just not in the way I would most prefer.

So the agreement is me just accepting what she is willing to give for frequency and what she is willing to do.

July 17, 2009

You're looking at this backwards. Sex alone is not what men need to feel important. Being sexually rejected all the time can make men feel worthless.

Do you understand the difference?

Not understanding what exception you are taking to my post.

Rejected sure makes you feel like crap so does hearing "are you done yet" when you do get it.

I just don't see why sex is considered that big of a deal. To me there is so much more to a connection than just that physical act. But some folks (I used to be one of them) seem to equate the physical act (in frequency and actions) to that emotional connection.

July 17, 2009

Not understanding what exception you are taking to my post.

Rejected sure makes you feel like crap so does hearing "are you done yet" when you do get it.

I just don't see why sex is considered that big of a deal. To me there is so much more to a connection than just that physical act. But some folks (I used to be one of them) seem to equate the physical act (in frequency and actions) to that emotional connection.

So it isn't important to you, yet you had an affair. You are a male right (sorry my brain is a little too fuzzy juggling work)?

I don't think I am obsessed with sex, just the fact I don't think I get it enough and hear the same in offhanded comments from friends.

I have read countless posts in my short time here about the lack of sex and the importance people place on it. The answers are not simple.

I also am convinced that women can turn it off much simpler then men. I also know that frankly the longer I go without sex, I do get antsy on one hand, but also know that my physiological yearning for it can wane too, but my head says I want it.

What most males if they are in tune will tell you is that after sex, or for that short period after (12 hours, 1-3 days), when they are with their partners, they will have stirrings downstairs (penis) in more often, when it is regular, then when there is a long lag between.

What I am saying if have sex on a Wednesday, I will want sex again on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday (usually does not happen:rolleyes:)..... However if it has been 3 weeks, while I want sex, it then becomes more a psychological need then a physical need.

Hope that makes sense.

July 17, 2009

Not understanding what exception you are taking to my post.

Rejected sure makes you feel like crap so does hearing "are you done yet" when you do get it.

I just don't see why sex is considered that big of a deal. To me there is so much more to a connection than just that physical act. But some folks (I used to be one of them) seem to equate the physical act (in frequency and actions) to that emotional connection.

The physical act alone does not make the connection, but the physical act alone has the power to destroy a good connection. Does that make sense?

For example, a car needs 4 wheels to drive. One wheel alone cannot make it drive, but one wheel alone can sure as hell crash it!

July 17, 2009

I needed (sic - probably supposed to be "ended"?) up in an affair where the driving force that made me available for that affair was the lack of affection as measured by a lack of sex.

Bolded for emphasis, and my point entirely.

July 17, 2009

So it isn't important to you, yet you had an affair. You are a male right (sorry my brain is a little too fuzzy juggling work)?

I don't think I am obsessed with sex, just the fact I don't think I get it enough and hear the same in offhanded comments from friends.

I have read countless posts in my short time here about the lack of sex and the importance people place on it. The answers are not simple.

I also am convinced that women can turn it off much simpler then men. I also know that frankly the longer I go without sex, I do get antsy on one hand, but also know that my physiological yearning for it can wane too, but my head says I want it.

What most males if they are in tune will tell you is that after sex, or for that short period after (12 hours, 1-3 days), when they are with their partners, they will have stirrings downstairs (penis) in more often, when it is regular, then when there is a long lag between.

What I am saying if have sex on a Wednesday, I will want sex again on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday (usually does not happen:rolleyes:)..... However if it has been 3 weeks, while I want sex, it then becomes more a psychological need then a physical need.

Hope that makes sense.

Now I did not say it was not important. I have learned to live with what I have. Yes I had an affair because one of the reasons was I judge the health of a relationship by how the sex was. Like you I wanted more and better and felt neglected when that was not meet. (There are other things but this thinking got the ball rolling)

I have come to terms with the idea that in marriage that measure is not as accurate as it is when you are single and dating.

Now I don't find sex to be that driving of a factor like it used to be. My idea of what a good relationship can be made of is different. As strange as it sounds I can say my OW is the reason for this change.

Phateless you make a valid point but if sex is the measure of how successful a relationship is, unless you find that perfect person you will be disappointed eventually.

I will say personally it was an epiphany when I realized what I really wanted out of a relationship and how that did not revolve around sex. But up until that point that is how I always measured the health of a relationship, since that is all I knew.

So to the OP personally I would not worry about the quantity of the sex at this point. I would worry about the connection that you feel is missing and what you really are looking for in that connection.

July 17, 2009

Now I did not say it was not important. I have learned to live with what I have. Yes I had an affair because one of the reasons was I judge the health of a relationship by how the sex was. Like you I wanted more and better and felt neglected when that was not meet. (There are other things but this thinking got the ball rolling)

I have come to terms with the idea that in marriage that measure is not as accurate as it is when you are single and dating.

Now I don't find sex to be that driving of a factor like it used to be. My idea of what a good relationship can be made of is different. As strange as it sounds I can say my OW is the reason for this change.

Phateless you make a valid point but if sex is the measure of how successful a relationship is, unless you find that perfect person you will be disappointed eventually.

I will say personally it was an epiphany when I realized what I really wanted out of a relationship and how that did not revolve around sex. But up until that point that is how I always measured the health of a relationship, since that is all I knew.

So to the OP personally I would not worry about the quantity of the sex at this point. I would worry about the connection that you feel is missing and what you really are looking for in that connection.

Don't worry about me (the OP).... I am not in my 20's or 30's or only with my spouse for a few years. I have learned many other things are more important. I only wanted to ask about my pre-occupation;) and the importance I and others place. I do think it is somewhat sad that we make these huge concessions about intimacy in many cases.

I have asked before what is normal??? To me 2-3 X's a week is fair. And please let's not argue whether that is right or wrong. Is not 2-3X's/mth thus a huge drop off and thus sex controlled by the spouse. Remember too I am talking about two adults where all the parts work and not even broaching the topic of fantasies, positions, kinks....

July 17, 2009

Well for me it is once a week like clock work every Saturday, in the dark, the same way, blah blah blah......

I think the placing of importance on sex is valid if the rest of the relationship is solid. If not it is a misplaced importance.

July 17, 2009

Don't worry about me (the OP).... I am not in my 20's or 30's or only with my spouse for a few years. I have learned many other things are more important. I only wanted to ask about my pre-occupation;) and the importance I and others place. I do think it is somewhat sad that we make these huge concessions about intimacy in many cases.

I have asked before what is normal??? To me 2-3 X's a week is fair. And please let's not argue whether that is right or wrong. Is not 2-3X's/mth thus a huge drop off and thus sex controlled by the spouse. Remember too I am talking about two adults where all the parts work and not even broaching the topic of fantasies, positions, kinks....

I agree, 2x - 3x is totally reasonable. Even 1x a week at the bare minimum, but 2x - 3x per month is just too little. If there is no definite reason to NOT have sex, then it's time to look for something amiss.

If your partner won't talk to you, suggest couples/individual counseling for both of you.

Sex doesn't make a relationship, but it can sure as hell destroy one.

July 18, 2009

Sex doesn't make a relationship, but it can sure as hell destroy one.

Completely true. Sex creates intimacy. When the sex is gone, it's only a matter of time before someone begins looking outside of the relationship looking for what's missing in their relationship. Sex is an extremely important factor of any relationship.. I'd say it's right up there with trusting your partner, imo.

Lack of sex killed my last relationship. Talking was pointless.. she didn't feel there was anything wrong with only having sex a couple of times a month. It was only when I was walking out the door did she finally want to talk, but by that point, I was no longer emotionally invested in our relationship so I didn't care what she had to say anymore. I only wanted out.

July 18, 2009

we were having sex twice a month and I was resentful of this (also because I had to initiate all the time and it seemed such hard work for her...). We discussed it and decided to go to MC. Result? Sex dwindled to once a month, because ugly truths surfaced and we got more distant and disillusioned. When I started behaving like I didn't care anymore, getting drunk and ignoring the family, she left me. Then we got back together and separated again. She still didn't want to have sex with me. I decided to pack my bags... she decided to compromise to once a week! She wanted to keep the family unite. You know what? Now that I got it, I don't really care about it anymore! I think our relationship is finished and I want to leave, but I'm staying because of the children.

So, briefly: if you don't have it, you want it like mad (and you put a lot of enphasis on it), if it's on the plate you end up not wanting it anymore at some point. I envy people who have a good marriage, love their spouses and are loved in return and the problem is that they are only having sex once a week!

But marriage is a compromise and, as pkn says, you learn to deal with it. I am a very disillusioned person and I do tend to get depressed about stuff. Maybe it's a middle life crisis. Who knows? I've made many mistakes in my marriage, but just because I didn't know how to deal with issues presented to me, unilaterally. I suppose I'm no good at dealing with other people problems. I was never prepared for this and I never will. But is the grass always greener somewhere else? I doubt it...

Sorry for the rant!

July 18, 2009

I'm going to give my theory on Women/Marriage, I'm not saying this is all women but a good portion of them.

1. When they are in late teen years they get this urge (sometimes they don't even know it) to Nest, during this time they will do what they must to attract/keep a mate. This would include frequent sex with BJ's etc.\

2. You marry them and all is well, she gets pregnant and has one, two, three or however many she feels is right. Here is where men start seeing a change, we are no longer needed for reproduction and notice in most cases a drastic reduction in sex drive from the wife.

3. After the wife is done reproducing us men are basically tolerated at this point, sex drops off and if we complain we are called "sex addicts".The thing is we didn't change, they did. So boys either learn to deal with it or get ready to be a cast away.

It took me 35 years and THOUSANDS of $$ of figure this out, I only hope I can help a brother from facing this fate!

July 18, 2009

I agree to a certain point, especially what happens after the children, and I just wish we - men - would be told about this before marriage! There's should be some kind of course about the pros and cons of marriage... with many possible scenarios explained!

July 18, 2009

True but if that occured Nature wouldn't win, now that I understand what's in front of me I can deal with it or at least choose to do so. No fault of the lovely ladies, I feel this is entirely a genetic trait.

July 18, 2009

True but if that occured Nature wouldn't win

yes, nobody would probably get married...

Sign In

Do I need to find a new website???? Too pre-occupied by sex???

Recommended Posts

Toodamnpragmatic

Thaddeus

silktricks

GorillaTheater

Thaddeus

pkn06002

Thaddeus

pkn06002

Thaddeus

Phateless

pkn06002

pkn06002

Toodamnpragmatic

Phateless

Thaddeus

pkn06002

Toodamnpragmatic

pkn06002

Phateless

malcom5

giotto

TroyNJ

giotto

TroyNJ

giotto

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...