i've cheated...

[Stark]

Telling someone you cheated is one of those righteous but ultimately selfish things to remove the guilt. It's just going to screw the other person up.

 

No, there's nothing wrong with telling someone you cheated. I've been told it before, and while it upset me, I at least respected the fact they came honest, and clean, and it put my mind at ease to either give them another chance, or to totally forget about them

 

Do you know whats worse than being told something than being cheated on? Breaking up with a crappy excuse, which you know is lies, because that sets you wondering why if you know for a reason that the reason they gave is wrong, and wondering is worse off than outright knowing.

 

 

Then you don't understand human nature. Life isn't black and white, and neither are people. There are temptations in life, and even though as civilization evolves, there is still more than a good amount of savagery to mankind that overrides logic. It happens everyday in countless examples.

 

Untrue, life is what you make it.

 

What's the easiest way of not being tempted? Don't put yourself in temptations way. Sorted. If you know you're attracted to someone and there's chemistry between you, you distance yourself from them and never put yourself in a situation where it occurs or give out signals to them.

 

Cheating is not a mistake. It's a choice. You are aware of everything you are doing. You have the option to stop it happening before it even gets that far.

 

Going from knowing you're attracted to someone, their attracted to you, to putting yourself in a situation where you're alone together, to drinking with them, to flirting with them, these are all things you are in control of even before you sleep with someone.

 

Cheating is not a mistake, it's a decision.

[Hkizzle]

Different people react differently to being told they got cheated on.

 

However, the act of telling someone you cheated is usually driven by the need to remove the guilt. It's a selfish act in itself, it's rarely an act driven by a desire to benefit the other person.

[Dexter Morgan]

Then you don't understand human nature. Life isn't black and white, and neither are people. There are temptations in life, and even though as civilization evolves, there is still more than a good amount of savagery to mankind that overrides logic. It happens everyday in countless examples.

 

 

well my human nature is that if someone betrays me, they don't deserve to be with me, and will find their belongings out on the front lawn.

[Dexter Morgan]

Different people react differently to being told they got cheated on.

 

However, the act of telling someone you cheated is usually driven by the need to remove the guilt. It's a selfish act in itself, it's rarely an act driven by a desire to benefit the other person.

 

trust me, if my xW would have told me what she did before we got married....it would have been of HUGE benefit to me.

[Hkizzle]

trust me, if my xW would have told me what she did before we got married....it would have been of HUGE benefit to me.

 

Yeah which is why I said this guy should leave the girl. If he really meant her good.

 

But telling someone is usually a second selfish act to add insult to the first.

[Athena]

OH man, yeah you screwed up.

*************

Don't be a self righteous prick, and ruin her life and mind by telling her.

 

If he doesn't tell her, he's just gonna "screw up" again... it's just a matter of time. In time he'll see he 'got away with it' and then when the opportunity arises again, he won't have any reason not to indulge. You learn from experience, and basically you are telling him not to face the consequences for his piss-poor choice... thing is, what the heck is that gonna teach him?!

[Stark]

Different people react differently to being told they got cheated on.

 

However, the act of telling someone you cheated is usually driven by the need to remove the guilt. It's a selfish act in itself, it's rarely an act driven by a desire to benefit the other person.

 

I think most people would prefer the truth than a lie. Breaking up because "it just wasn't working out " when it's a lie, and it's a lie you'll be able to tell through is just going to leave people wondering WHY it didn't work out.

 

Human beings have more fear of the unknown than they do of things they know.

 

Also, it might be removing guilt, but it doesn't matter. The rules which make a relationship up have been broken. The other person deserves a right to know they have been broken.

[Hkizzle]

If he doesn't tell her, he's just gonna "screw up" again... it's just a matter of time. In time he'll see he 'got away with it' and then when the opportunity arises again, he won't have any reason not to indulge. You learn from experience, and basically you are telling him not to face the consequences for his piss-poor choice... thing is, what the heck is that gonna teach him?!

 

Which part of if he's really going to do the right thing then he should walk away did you guys not read in my post?

 

Selective reading is a psychological phenomenon btw. It shows people want to read what they want to read.

[Athena]

I am in a long term relationship with a girl I love very much, we've been together for nearly 4 years and we are thinking of moving in together.

This underlined quote from your post is what I believe is important here -- see, if you have had the opportunity to cheat on your g/f in the last four years but chose NOT to -- why did you cheat NOW?

 

I think it may have something to do with the part where you and your g/f were making plans to move in together now.

 

There is a part of you that does not want to commit to her and the relationship in that way, so you sabotaged it by cheating.

[Stark]

Yeah which is why I said this guy should leave the girl. If he really meant her good.

 

But telling someone is usually a second selfish act to add insult to the first.

 

All that's going to cause is concern in her mind. Like I said before, humans fear the unknown than they do the known.

 

We subconciously wonder why something ended, is there any way to make it better. The excuses people give can usually be seen through, analyzed and deciphered.

 

Whereas when you know they cheated, it will hurt, but it's going to stop them wondering why it ended, and they can adjust their lives to deal with it or forgive.

[Hkizzle]

I think most people would prefer the truth than a lie. Breaking up because "it just wasn't working out " when it's a lie, and it's a lie you'll be able to tell through is just going to leave people wondering WHY it didn't work out.

 

Human beings have more fear of the unknown than they do of things they know.

 

Also, it might be removing guilt, but it doesn't matter. The rules which make a relationship up have been broken. The other person deserves a right to know they have been broken.

 

You make a good point in that giving closure is important too.

 

The debate over what does the least damage though is a more difficult arguement, since it depends on how the person reacts and different people react differently.

 

Just because closure might be something you think is more important, it doesn't mean all people want to know the truth. Some people will be more hurt and ultimately disillusioned with relationships by finding out about the cheating. Other people want the closure.

 

So your answer could be the best choice, but I stick by my answer too.

[Athena]

Which part of if he's really going to do the right thing then he should walk away did you guys not read in my post?

 

Selective reading is a psychological phenomenon btw. It shows people want to read what they want to read.

 

Yes you did say he should walk away from her. However, if he does that, he STILL 'gets away' with not facing the consequences of cheating.

 

I do agree with you to an extent that if you are not going to stay in the relationship then you don't need to tell. But if you are going to stay, you should tell, because a relationship cannot be based on dishonesty. It looks like the original poster wants to make amends with his g/f, which is why I suggest he tell her... nothing good can come from staying and lying to her... he will have to remain guarded about that secret, and in time it will cause him to watch what he says and eventually be distanced. There's a lot of bad that comes from lying... it's even worse than cheating.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

I laugh every time I see someone write that cheating isn't a mistake.

 

A mistake is a poor choice, often made with limited information.

 

Forgetting to take out the trash is not a mistake. There was no choice made, conscious or otherwise. It was forgetting.

 

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mistake

 

–noun

1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

 

I agree that telling can be a selfish act.

[Dexter Morgan]

I laugh every time I see someone write that cheating isn't a mistake.

 

A mistake is a poor choice, often made with limited information.

 

Forgetting to take out the trash is not a mistake. There was no choice made, conscious or otherwise. It was forgetting.

 

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mistake

 

–noun

1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc..

 

 

maybe you want to make further analysis into the definition.

 

there is NO error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement. When someone cheats, they know exactly what they are getting into and there is no error in anything listed above because there is a desired outcome.

 

There is no "poor reasoning", because there is no reasoning at all. Only and end outcome knowing that its wrong.

 

There is no carelessness or insufficient knowledge when one cheats. they know full well what they are doing.

[eyeswide]

I don't think there's an easy answer to this question (despite the onslaught of people that are here who so facilely declare that this one experience has destined you and your gf for the relationship trashheap no matter what course you take)...

 

I think there are some people who are truly able to compartmentalize their personae and put the "guy that cheated" into a tidy little shoebox in the corner of their psyches and bring their A-game to their relationships for the rest of their days. (Admittedly, those who can really do that scare me just a little.)

 

Then there are those who need to confess to truly be able to show up in their relationships as a complete and dedicated person. I"m guessing that since you showed up here, clearly wrestling with your conscious over this, you're probably in the latter category.

 

However, this is a relationship and there are another person's needs/temperament to consider. Some people who've been cheated on really want to know and some really don't. (Now I would say that the ones who really don't want to know AT ALL are not the most healthy people, but I recognize that's a judgment. ) It's likely that your gf would want to know. But you need to think about HOW MUCH does she want to know. I would start with the generalized confession that something happened between you and another woman and then feel her out about how much more she wants to know.

 

DON'T: Give her the rationalization about why it happened! You do not want her to feel like it's her fault. When she asks you why, then you can start to tell her where your head was at.

 

DON'T: Give her all the details until she's ready for them. This is not your confessional -- it's not about your catharsis, it's about your relationship. Let her take the lead on when and how much. Let her know that you're ready to tell her all when she's ready to hear it. And it may take her a while.

 

DON'T: Get upset with her for her reaction. This is one of the most devastating things one can hear. I swear, it was as bad as finding out my dad had 6 months to live -- worse maybe, because I immediately started hating myself and the one person I wanted to turn to for comfort was the person who hurt me. Let her process it and do your best to never hold her reaction against her.

 

DO: Be patient, loving, honest and kind. No matter how hard it is. Your future relationship will depend on it.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

there is NO error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement. When someone cheats, they know exactly what they are getting into and there is no error in anything listed above because there is a desired outcome.

 

Because there is a desired outcome a person may use poor judgement. Leading to an action they normally would not undertake.

 

There is no "poor reasoning", because there is no reasoning at all. Only and end outcome knowing that its wrong.

 

If the offender knows it's wrong there is reasoning. Knowing it's wrong and continuing is a poor decision.

 

There is no carelessness or insufficient knowledge when one cheats. they know full well what they are doing.

 

There is carelessness. The cheater did not take care when considering there partner's feelings. Yet proceeded anyway. A poor decision.

[Stark]

A mistake is something that someone does not intend to do, but for some reason or other, ends up making it.

 

Like, I can make a spelling mistake. This is probably due to carelessness, me rushing writing, or lack of knowledge on how to properly spell the word.

 

Had I knew how to spell the word, and went ahead and spelled it wrong anyway, that's not me making a mistake at all.

 

The person cheating, is fully aware of their decisions, and are totally aware of what they are doing, but disregard it all the same.

 

It is not down to poor decision like you keep claiming, because for them, it is not a poor decision. They wanted to sleep with the person, and they ended up sleeping with them.

 

How is that a poor decision? It is only a poor decision when concerning their partner, but in regards to what their aim was, it is not a poor decision in the slightest. They got what they wanted.

 

I'll repeat this again. A mistake is impossible if you are fully concious of the mistake your making. A mistake is something not intended. When you sleep with someone, you are intending to sleep with them, which eradicates it from being a mistake..

[Samari]

where did I say they couldn't? I said it wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious decision. to call it a mistake is to downplay the action and play the woe-is-me card.

Again, if you regret something that means you made a mistake. Something that you thought you wanted, but in the end didn't. Or rather, something you believed was correct, but was actually wrong. How is that not a mistake by definition?

[Samari]

Untrue, life is what you make it.

 

What's the easiest way of not being tempted? Don't put yourself in temptations way. Sorted. If you know you're attracted to someone and there's chemistry between you, you distance yourself from them and never put yourself in a situation where it occurs or give out signals to them.

 

Cheating is not a mistake. It's a choice. You are aware of everything you are doing. You have the option to stop it happening before it even gets that far.

 

Going from knowing you're attracted to someone, their attracted to you, to putting yourself in a situation where you're alone together, to drinking with them, to flirting with them, these are all things you are in control of even before you sleep with someone.

 

Cheating is not a mistake, it's a decision.

You're mincing words. A decision can be a mistake. This is common sense. If I walk down the wrong street, a street I thought was the correct one, that's a mistake. I made the decision to walk down the street though, but I was wrong with my decision, i.e. choice. How is that not a mistake? The same logic can apply to cheating.

 

It's easy for someone to say "don't put yourself in certain situations and nothing bad will happen". But you have to realize that not everyone has the same heritage growing up and you're also forgetting the most important aspect of human nature: people aren't perfect. Life is what you make it? Yes, we all strive for that, but life is seldom logical and direct like what you're ridiculously advocating. Things happen. Not everyone is raised the same or influenced by the same people. Nor are people not condemned by their own natural emotions in everyday choices. If that were the case, the world would wouldn't have the social issues it has today and has always had.

[Stark]

Again, if you regret something that means you made a mistake.

 

No, it means you feel sad and upset over what you did and are sorry for doing it. Nothing more.

 

Or rather, something you believed was correct, but was actually wrong. How is that not a mistake by definition?

 

Cheating is never correct, and the person who cheated knows this, they know it's wrong, but go ahead anyway. If I know how to spell a word, realize I'm misspelling it, and continue spelling it wrong, is it a mistake? No it's simply me not caring.

[Samari]

well my human nature is that if someone betrays me, they don't deserve to be with me, and will find their belongings out on the front lawn.

I'm not condoning cheating. I'd probably do the same thing if someone cheated on me. Just saying, it's unrealistic to expect the same morals and ethics from everyone on the planet. Or to expect that everyone is perfect.

[Stark]

You're mincing words. A decision can be a mistake. This is common sense. If I walk down the wrong street, a street I thought was the correct one, that's a mistake.

 

Thats because you did not have the knowledge at hand that it was the correct street.

 

I made the decision to walk down the street though, but I was wrong with my decision, i.e. choice. How is that not a mistake? The same logic can apply to cheating.

 

It's a mistake because you never knew any better. If you don't know any better, it's a mistake. If you knew better and go ahead, it's not a mistake.

 

Someone knows if they like someone, and make fully concious decisions about wether to pursue it or not. If in your example, you KNEW the street was the wrong street and went down it anyway, you are no longer making a mistake, you're simply not caring.

 

It's easy for someone to say "don't put yourself in certain situations and nothing bad will happen". But you have to realize that not everyone has the same heritage growing up and you're also forgetting the most important aspect of human nature: people aren't perfect. Life is what you make it? Yes, we all strive for that, but life is seldom logical and direct like what you're ridiculously advocating. Things happen. Not everyone is raised the same or influenced by the same people. Nor are people not condemned by their own natural emotions in everyday choices. If that were the case, the world would wouldn't have the social issues it has today and has always had.

 

It's even easier to do. If you're attracted to someone, and in a relationship, common sense should tell you that getting involved with them is never going to lead to anything good.

 

It's nothing to do with heritage, it's to do with putting YOUR PARTNERS feelings over your own.

[Samari]

No, it means you feel sad and upset over what you did and are sorry for doing it. Nothing more.

 

If you feel upset about doing it, then you obviously regret it. Which means you obviously wouldn't do it again if you had the chance.

 

Cheating is never correct, and the person who cheated knows this, they know it's wrong, but go ahead anyway. If I know how to spell a word, realize I'm misspelling it, and continue spelling it wrong, is it a mistake? No it's simply me not caring.

 

But if you are spelling something you believe what you are doing is correct at the time. You believe you are making the right decision, but when you find out that you are wrong, then you regret that decision to misspell the word. Same logic applies here. You're making a mistake.

[Stark]

If you feel upset about doing it, then you obviously regret it. Which means you obviously wouldn't do it again if you had the chance.

 

That is not true. regretting something i did does not mean i wouldn't do it again. It just means I'm sorry for doing it. Plenty of cheaters will testify to that.

 

I'm sorry when I break up with people, and I feel regret over it. But it doesn't mean I won't ever do it again.

 

But if you are spelling something you believe what you are doing is correct at the time. You believe you are making the right decision, but when you find out that you are wrong, then you regret that decision to misspell the word. Same logic applies here. You're making a mistake.

 

How can cheating ever be correct? One of the rules in a relationship is to be only with that person, emotionally and physically. You break that rule if you cheat. How can someone ever draw the conclusion that breaking the no.1 rule of a relationship can ever realistically be considered correct?

 

That example is flawed I'm afraid, because cheating can never be considered correct.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not condoning cheating. I'd probably do the same thing if someone cheated on me. Just saying, it's unrealistic to expect the same morals and ethics from everyone on the planet. Or to expect that everyone is perfect.

 

who said anything about being perfect? And if you think it can be human nature to cheat....hey, whatever works for ya. I simply won't put up with that part of human nature, especially since its not in mine.