joseffrost Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Hi there, I know that seemingly everyone here is an advocate of going No Contact at the end of a relationship, but I'm just curious as to whether anyone thinks that making a final grand gesture might be helpful in the long run? In my case, I wasn't there for my ex when she needed me after she had a bad experience at uni at the end of degree. A couple of days later she called to end things. We didn't talk at all over the weekend, but on the Monday I flew from London to Ireland to see her. I made a point of not begging and pleading, but just told her that I couldn't bear to leave things with a phone call. It was weak, it was silly, but it is what I did. Question is, if she does end up missing me in the long run (she won't do know, she's seemingly permanently on holiday this summer), will this work in my favour? I know it was too little, too late at the time, but if you were in her shoes would you see this as a major sign of weakness (a bad thing) or a sign that I genuinely did care about her?
Thaddeus Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 There are two schools of thought about this sort of thing, and they generally are divided along gender lines. One school of thought seems to indicate that expressing emotions is healthy and authentic because it is in line with what's going on inside your head and is to be commended. That's generally - and I have to speak in only general terms here - how women tend to view things. Another side of the coin is that being emotional is perceived by the other party as a manifestation of weakness. It's not that it is weak, but it's seen as being weak. This is more of a male mind-set (again, generally speaking). IME, there's a big disconnect between what women say they want and what they actually respond to and respect. They may say that they appreciate it when a man displays his emotions, but when it actually happens they look at him as less than masculine. I've lived that disconnect and, damn, it's hurtful. So, in short, and IMO and IME, your final grand gesture unfortunately probably did more harm than good.
Ronni_W Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Hey josef. From a woman's PoV, I would not see it as either caring about me or weakness on his part. (Given my understanding of your post, as to where you guys were at the time you flew to Ireland) I would just be totally indifferent to it. "Ho hum, he showed up, so what?" As you say, too little, too late. But maybe mine will not be the common response. And in any case, your ex's response is going to be unique to her -- nobody knows how she viewed it except the lady, herself. If she hasn't acknowledged and expressed her appreciation for the gesture, perhaps more than likely that it didn't make much, if any, of a positive impression on her? Sending hugs and good wishes.
Author joseffrost Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 I suppose so... Though I don't think it made a huge impression on her, I think it did at least allow us to have a vaguely enjoyable last day together. It may have not done my chances of getting her back any good, but that wasn't the aim, it just seemed like the most natural thing to do at the time. At the very least, it gives me a good (if bittersweet) story to tell!
darknightie Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 You left things on a good note: you made an effort. Albeit too late - at least you DID it. But in literal terms, her decision to come back will probably have nothing to do at all with that entire situation. It will be on a more grand scale. If you were there for her USUALLY - then great. If not, then you know better now...and without learning from the experience, what do you gain? It's done and over with, I wouldnt try to dissect it for how she will view it. It's relative and none of us "know" her. But from another female POV, it would only mean "ok, youre here. so?"
Thaddeus Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 "Ho hum, he showed up, so what?" But from another female POV, it would only mean "ok, youre here. so?" See what I mean? Taking time out of your week to put yourself through the hassle of an airline flight, telling her that you had to see her again because you didn't feel it was appropriate to have your last contact by phone... only to be met with a shrug and a "so what?". Kinda makes you wonder why you bothered, doesn't it? Final grand gestures might make for good movies and books, but real life is a far, far different story.
darknightie Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Final grand gestures might make for good movies and books, but real life is a far, far different story. Amen to THAT.
BCCA Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 IME, there's a big disconnect between what women say they want and what they actually respond to and respect. They may say that they appreciate it when a man displays his emotions, but when it actually happens they look at him as less than masculine. I've lived that disconnect and, damn, it's hurtful. Final grand gestures might make for good movies and books, but real life is a far, far different story. A wise man. There is a HUGE disconnect between what women say they want, and what they respond to. Women want someone strong that they can look up to for support, not someone who is emotional and appears weak. Who wouldnt want a guy to come throw himself at you one last time (in vein), but that doesnt mean its going to change anything. John Cusack movies might make you think that last minute sappy crap works, but it most certainly does not. By the time you get the word that youre dumped, youve probably been dumped in the girls mind for a couple months. She is going to be completely turned off by anything related to you, especially throwing yourself at her.
darknightie Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 A wise man. There is a HUGE disconnect between what women say they want, and what they respond to. Women want someone strong that they can look up to for support, not someone who is emotional and appears weak. Who wouldnt want a guy to come throw himself at you one last time (in vein), but that doesnt mean its going to change anything. Any woman who says she wants an emotional man is off her rocker. We want a man who is sensitive to OUR needs, who supports us and acts as our rock. Never misinterpret that - let me tell you, sensitive men do not prevail. John Cusack movies might make you think that last minute sappy crap works, but it most certainly does not. This made me almost spit out my tea. SO very true. By the time you get the word that youre dumped, youve probably been dumped in the girls mind for a couple months. She is going to be completely turned off by anything related to you, especially throwing yourself at her. This man knows his stuff. Women are already mentally checked out by the time we break up with a man (generally. Exceptions exist but dont be gullible), as a matter of fact I think it works both ways. Men too - they are done before they even say it. Its sad, it really is. I hate love.
Ronni_W Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Final grand gestures might make for good movies and books, but real life is a far, far different story. Amen to that! Show up and make grand gestures DURING the relationship, please.
Author joseffrost Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Amen to that! Show up and make grand gestures DURING the relationship, please. I really did though, I used to make a habit of surprising her with gifts and taking sneaky days off work to see her. She even said on that final day, "I'm not surprised you came". Truth is, you guys are right, it wasn't my not being there just prior to the breakup that finished things, it was probably something she had been stewing over - and hiding from me - for weeks or even months. I've just about given up thinking about any of my actions in the "will I get another chance" context - if it happens it happens, but it will have to be after some time, would have to be a 'new' relationship and not a continuation of the old one, and will definitely have to come from her. Having said that, I am not going to hang on to false hope. I say this without a shred of arrogance or conceit - she could do a lot worse than me.
Ronni_W Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 - she could do a lot worse than me. Amen to THAT! There likely will still be some "bad" days, but it sounds as if you're shifting your focus in a direction that is more positive for you. Sending hugs and good stuff.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 OP, if who you showed yourself to be throughout the relationship is the authentic you, mind this: The right woman for you will respond positively to and respect your authentic self. Do not spend a lifetime of acting to fit into a box which you feel women have decided you should fit into. Hold your head up, be who you are, and move forward. Second chances, like movies, are way over-rated
Thaddeus Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Amen to that! Show up and make grand gestures DURING the relationship, please. Works both ways, too. It's also up to women to make those grand gestures. Relationships are a two-way street.
wow123 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Listen...everyone does things out of their nature when they are going through a breakup. Both the dumper and the dumpee. Don't overanalyze what you did. You did it because you wanted to whether it was right or wrong. Who cares?
georgia girl Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Here's another woman's opinion... If there was enough wrong in your relationship that she just fell out of love with you, then nothing you do now will really make an impact right now. In her mind, it's over. She's not in love with you anymore. It's hard to hear, but it's true. Having said all that, IMO, you did the right thing to try and save your relationship. You made an effort so you won't look back with regrets. Now, go on with your life. If she wants to come back, believe me, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't figure out a way to do so!
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