Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Hello to all the wise forum here! I'm new, I wrote what is happening to me in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195295/ Now...feeling that he is more distant lately, not calling as much etc.. I got fed up, and for second time, I called him and I told him up front, in a very relaxed but firmly way that I felt that he was loosing interest and in that case was better to stop seeing each other... his reaction AGAIN was: (He told me:) Why??? I want to continue seeing you, I'm just busy, but I'm fine etc... he doesn't want to finish! I don't get it! I'm trying to make it easy for him, putting the words in me and in that way he could run from my life easy. Well, last night, I said, don't worry, just think about it and let me know tomorrow, if I don't hear from you again it will be OK, not hard feelings, all good. Well... he sent me after we hung up a text saying good night with lots of kisses on it, and in today in the morning he sent me another text asking me how I was and lots of kisses... I answered... and he didn't answer me back (well...just two hours ago) Are you with me that this guy makes no sense? Normally, they (the guys) do the disappearing act.. he doesn't. Or they don't want commitment, he says he wants. He treats me extremely well when he is with me, BUT when we are not together he normally only texts me, rarely call... and I can feel he is distant. I'm giving him the gift of freedom, and he doesn't want it WTF???? Help me to understand this... Thanks guys!
Author Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Any ideas? Advice? Suggestions.. anyone??? I'm falling for this guy but I don't want to get hurt. Can you read any red flags?? ....
Amy35 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Can you read any red flags?? .... Only yours.... Passive Agression, manipulation, insecurity.....any more? My advice would be lower your expectations, get a life, stop focusing on what he ISN'T doing, cut him some slack, and instead of telling him he can leave why don't you take some responsibility for how YOU are feeling and acting, start taking control of your life....telling him he can leave...imagine if he did....then it's his fault you got dumped....right? I may sound harsh.....but trust me....I been where you are and it's not pretty, it's darn unattractive and very selfish.
Thaddeus Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 From a guy's POV, a relationship is only very rarely the #1 priority in his life. Wedding day, honeymoon, birth of children, sure, those are times when it's #1. But those days/events are generally pretty rare. I don't get the sense that he's seeing you as an option, but I do the the sense that he has other things on his plate right now. You say that when he's with you, he's with you 100% and that's excellent. But he does have a life outside of your relationship - his career, his community, his church (if he's into such things... I'm not, personally, but for those who are inclined it can be a pretty important involvement) and all the rest. Now, I'm NOT suggesting that you settle for taking "scraps" of his life and his time, but I AM saying that you may want to adjust your expectations slightly about the amount and type of involvement that you expect of him. And I'd strongly recommend to keep communication with you more in-person or on the phone than via text. Texting is too short, too impersonal and too open to misinterpretation.
Author Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 Thank you Amy35, that was a good advice. I think I started to get in a defensive mood after he started acting strange ... I don't know if you read my former thread, but his ex-girlfriend called me from his mobile...and everything started to change from there. I have the feeling that he has been lying to me, but I don't have any proof, only my intuition. I have a life, a busy one. But when you live n different cities and your only communication is based in 2 texts each day... and suddenly he comes to see me with a very suspicious black eye and his excuses are weird...then, is when I get very protective of my self, and doesn't matter if he is an angel when he is with me, because he is truly fantastic when he is with me...that is the paradox but he is clearly mysterious when he is not... you know what I mean. I thought in disappear my self from his life (because if I talk to him he always asks me to don't leave him...and I really like him and is difficult for me to say no!) Or definitely, just concentrate in my life, do my stuff, and maybe date other guys... But thanks Amy... you really opened my eyes.
boogieboy Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I read your other thread, and you should have bailed on him a while ago. He is still hiding something, and now hes distant? hey if you like the mystery and drama, and possibly competing with his ex, then hang in there.
Author Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 He is still hiding something, and now hes distant? hey if you like the mystery and drama, and possibly competing with his ex, then hang in there. Yes boogieboy...Hmm... that is the horrible feeling I have inside me and I don't have any proof! And although he is very nice when he is with me... my gut feeling is sending me different signals
paddington bear Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I've come to realise that when a man pulls away, there's always always always another woman involved. She might not be there in presence. Maybe he's heard she's marrying someone else. Maybe he's bumped into her in the street. Maybe he's met someone new while out and about and is now thinking that he has other options than you. I did the same as you with one guy. Got the full-on I really really like you signals, then an abrupt change. So I told him if he was not interested to tell me straight up, that I could take it. And same thing happened 'what's wrong with you? You misconstrued, I really do like you' text message with lots of kisses at the end. A week later he dumped me to go back to his ex. My point is, that when you feel like a guy's behaviour has changed towards you, it's because it has. And there's usually a reason for that. In which case cut him lose to work out whatever issue it is (and believe you me, you'll rarely find out what exactly it is, so there's no point asking), and get on with your life, try to meet someone else. If he bounces back to you, maybe you're willing to give him another shot, maybe he missed his chance.
Author Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 From a guy's POV, a relationship is only very rarely the #1 priority in his life. Wedding day, honeymoon, birth of children, sure, those are times when it's #1. But those days/events are generally pretty rare. I don't get the sense that he's seeing you as an option, but I do the the sense that he has other things on his plate right now. You say that when he's with you, he's with you 100% and that's excellent. But he does have a life outside of your relationship - his career, his community, his church (if he's into such things... I'm not, personally, but for those who are inclined it can be a pretty important involvement) and all the rest. Now, I'm NOT suggesting that you settle for taking "scraps" of his life and his time, but I AM saying that you may want to adjust your expectations slightly about the amount and type of involvement that you expect of him. And I'd strongly recommend to keep communication with you more in-person or on the phone than via text. Texting is too short, too impersonal and too open to misinterpretation. Thaddeus, thank you for your feedback, makes lots of sense what are you saying, I'll try to wait maybe some more days and I'll be self aware of my own actions... but my gut feeling is telling me that he has something going on in the background that I don't know...(and I don't think he'll tell me!) I just don't want to be played here... The paradox is that he acts as a proper gentleman when he is with me...
Author Soulmind Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 I've come to realise that when a man pulls away, there's always always always another woman involved. She might not be there in presence. Maybe he's heard she's marrying someone else. Maybe he's bumped into her in the street. Maybe he's met someone new while out and about and is now thinking that he has other options than you. I did the same as you with one guy. Got the full-on I really really like you signals, then an abrupt change. So I told him if he was not interested to tell me straight up, that I could take it. And same thing happened 'what's wrong with you? You misconstrued, I really do like you' text message with lots of kisses at the end. A week later he dumped me to go back to his ex. My point is, that when you feel like a guy's behaviour has changed towards you, it's because it has. And there's usually a reason for that. In which case cut him lose to work out whatever issue it is (and believe you me, you'll rarely find out what exactly it is, so there's no point asking), and get on with your life, try to meet someone else. If he bounces back to you, maybe you're willing to give him another shot, maybe he missed his chance. Paddington bear.... you are absolutely right...at least is exactly what I was planning to do, just disappear, not answering texts or calls (he rarely calls anyway!) and go on with my life, is hard, because I have feelings for him, but this forum is giving me so much strength! I'll start that strategy right now.. I need to think in my self!
paddington bear Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Paddington bear.... you are absolutely right...at least is exactly what I was planning to do, just disappear, not answering texts or calls (he rarely calls anyway!) and go on with my life, is hard, because I have feelings for him, but this forum is giving me so much strength! I'll start that strategy right now.. I need to think in my self! It IS hard. That's the damn problem. It's not like most of us have millions of other available men/women throwing themselves at us, which makes it harder to let go of that spark of hope, particularly when you like the person. All I can say is that you have to see yourself as a valuable catch, as opposed to waiting for him to see you as a valuable catch in order to believe that. Again, difficult, when you're basically being ever so slowly rejected by someone you like. It doesn't do much for the self-esteem - again why it's better to cut the cord now, and go through the pain, otherwise you'll just feel more and more unworthy of his or any other man's attention.
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