Angel1111 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 It's actually amazing to me that he left as soon as he did. It's very difficult for men to leave a marriage because they believe it's their responsibility to take care of their family; and this responsibility is directly tied to their manhood. Most women don't understand what a strong instinct this is for men and they underestimate the power it has. In that sense, it's much easier for a woman to leave a marriage than for a man. This is why, for the most part, women leave and men cheat. In your case, he did leave so don't judge him for having done that. In your mind it took him too long, in his mind, he did what he could when he could. It's never easy cutting ties. Right now, you and he don't need to be pursuing a relationship. He needs his space, and I'm telling you this from my own first-hand experience. I left my husband and within a few weeks, met someone and started dating him. It was a nightmare because I was SO distracted by the divorce. I felt a lot of guilt about it because I was the one who left. I eventually devloped ulcers because my ex was so controlling and annoyed me so much. There were so many emotional factors that I had to contend with that I did not need to be dating anyone. I eventually ended the relationship with the guy I was dating because he just expected too much out of me, and he didn't understand that I didn't need pressure in any way. You best move right now is to remain a friend to him so that he doesn't have to worry about making one relationship work, while he's trying to end another one. Just be a listening ear and don't put any pressure on him. Only after a year or two will you know if the two of you have anything that's lasting.
White Flower Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Denial is a great weapon to ease the guilt or burried it all in, isn't it? I'm sure it is for those you need to use it. I wouldn't know.
White Flower Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Now there's a presumptious generalisation! BW obviously has intimate knowledge of the particular couple and their dynamics - or assumes s/he has - to know that Crystal is selfish, that her MM and his W had anything to destroy, and that the family is in fact destroyed. I don't know Crystal or her MM personally, so can't speak about that situation, but in my own, the MM and his xW had nothing to destroy, as she'd already systematically destroyed anything over the years; the family was left intact - just without her in it, and everyone much happier. But I guess from BW's name that their view of the universe doesn't permit facts that don't fit in with their prejudice. If they're convinced that the moon is made of green cheese then it is, dammit - no matter what Neil Armstrong or others who've actually been there might say... Crystal - it might not be easy, but sometimes it's easier. Easier than what went before, when you wished he would leave, when you put yourself through the wringer waiting for this moment. If it's what you want, and what he wants, and you're both prepared to put in the work, it certainly can work. But this part is rough - there is always guilt for the MM, no matter how misplaced or valid, and there is always a feeling of somehow having failed through not having been superhuman enough to have made his doomed M work despite the odds. There is a sense of hurt around the kids - that somehow, they're having to see sides of their parents that kids shouldn't have to see - and there is a sense of loss for that neatly predictable - if dull and boring - future that has now been replaced with uncertainty, possibility, hope even - but insecurity. Don't take it personally. The fighting is probably because you're nearest, not because you're culpable. Keep your sense of perspective - but also your sense of self. If you're feeling you're not being treated as you'd like, say so, stand your ground and insist on your worth. You didn't buy into this to be treated badly. Love him, if your heart says so, but love yourself more. I was going to PM you with thanks for being so observant and helpful but I'm sure all will agree with me if I do it here. As always, you weigh the pros and cons, give critical and consice advice without judgment, and offer help to others when you gain nothing for it. Your experience and knowledge, once again, benefits others. Thank you.
Author crystal_lostheart Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 since you seem to have such a wonder insight, PLEASE help everyone in this world live better lives. Your wisdom is so wonderful. Maybe you will be able to fix EVERYTHING. I'm sure you have plenty of time and such a wonderful life that with your gentle ways of expressing your views you will enlighten ALL. good luck to you and the people around you. Please continue to make LS forums flourish with your sensitivity, kindness and words of love. LOL - love it - Thanks ME
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