crystal_lostheart Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Hi Guys, Just an update on my story..... Wow how things have changed.....MM and I have been together going on 2 years since it all started..... I told him constantly that our R would never go anywhere while he remained M and that I just couldn't do it anymore because of how wrong it was. I walked away from him and tried to get on with my life. I was exhausted, sad and deeply hurt but knew I had done the right thing. I never thought he would leave his W.......BUT he did. If any of you think it is an easy road when they leave, let me tell you, in my case anyway, it was not....it just got worse at first. He started drinking, missing his son. I wasn't coping at all emotionally. Somehow, we are slowly pulling together. Support really helps. He is living with a very supportive friend that is helping us both through it. Emotionally, I don't cope with things well. I just don't know if I could trust him. Something I m trying to deal with now. After all, it took him 18 months to leave, after I argued with him constantly about what we were doing. I am still very angry at him. I am trying to move forward and we are trying to work on things but we still argue a lot (although it has calmed down a bit). My point is - it is VERY, VERY hard to work through and find a balance once they leave. So if you are with a MM or MW, ask yourself if it is really worth it because once they leave and you decide to stay with them, you have to work through a long, drawn out process that is extremely emotionally draining. Good Luck to you all.
White Flower Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Best of luck CLH! Keep us posted and let us know if it was worth it. Hugs, and hang in there.
boldjack Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Cyrstal, Most post-affair relationships never work out, so you are an exception. Best of Luck, to you.
Tsm Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Hi Guys, Just an update on my story..... Wow how things have changed.....MM and I have been together going on 2 years since it all started..... I told him constantly that our R would never go anywhere while he remained M and that I just couldn't do it anymore because of how wrong it was. I walked away from him and tried to get on with my life. I was exhausted, sad and deeply hurt but knew I had done the right thing. I never thought he would leave his W.......BUT he did. If any of you think it is an easy road when they leave, let me tell you, in my case anyway, it was not....it just got worse at first. He started drinking, missing his son. I wasn't coping at all emotionally. Somehow, we are slowly pulling together. Support really helps. He is living with a very supportive friend that is helping us both through it. Emotionally, I don't cope with things well. I just don't know if I could trust him. Something I m trying to deal with now. After all, it took him 18 months to leave, after I argued with him constantly about what we were doing. I am still very angry at him. I am trying to move forward and we are trying to work on things but we still argue a lot (although it has calmed down a bit). My point is - it is VERY, VERY hard to work through and find a balance once they leave. So if you are with a MM or MW, ask yourself if it is really worth it because once they leave and you decide to stay with them, you have to work through a long, drawn out process that is extremely emotionally draining. Good Luck to you all. Im new here but i have registered a while ago, just been going through the posts here,,, must say very interesting. Iam going through the same thing, my MM has moved out going through a D, and its not easy, i have actually decided to let him be and give him space, cause we constantly fight all the time. So i guess this happens and it gets to a stage where you dont know what to do and i guess giving each other a break is the way to go sometimes. Good luck dear
torranceshipman Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Wow this sounds like a heck of a lot of baggage for the (legitimate) start of a R...I hope he is worth it!!!
Confused4Now Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Im new here but i have registered a while ago, just been going through the posts here,,, must say very interesting. Iam going through the same thing, my MM has moved out going through a D, and its not easy, i have actually decided to let him be and give him space, cause we constantly fight all the time. So i guess this happens and it gets to a stage where you dont know what to do and i guess giving each other a break is the way to go sometimes. Good luck dearThat's the right thing to do.....give them space let them grieve the death of their marriage and even though the D has started it's not over till it's final. My divorce went final however the MW I went NC with never even started hers.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I wish it was so easy.... Was it really that easy for all the married couples here? Just fell in place no ultimatums? I highly doubt that. Love is patient. Sometimes we have to be patient to get what we want. OP: follow your heart. GEL
Author crystal_lostheart Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Let us know if it's worth it to destroy a marriage and a family for her own selfish desire and need? This is some selfish, sick, evil, but yet casual question. Well, I guess someone had to crawl out from a rock and throw some stones....And that's fine by me......I guess you have a valid reason for your situation...whatever that may be.....but each to their own. And since you don't know me from a bar of soap - how can you possibly judge my situation like you have already? If a M is that strong in the first place - NOTHING would come between a couple. So before you point the finger at the OP - have a look at where things really go wrong in a R for situations like these occur. And it's NOT always people's selfish needs as I don't believe that this was the case with my R. I didn't go looking for a MM - things happen.... in fact I walked away from him many times because I didn't want to be the selfish one and told him to go work on his M. He CHOSE to leave his M - I didn't break it up. But I guess in your eyes we deserve each other.... Right?? Go crawl back under your rock
Author crystal_lostheart Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 I wish it was so easy.... Was it really that easy for all the married couples here? Just fell in place no ultimatums? I highly doubt that. Love is patient. Sometimes we have to be patient to get what we want. OP: follow your heart. GEL Thanks GEL - as always - well said HUGS
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Hi Guys, Just an update on my story..... Wow how things have changed.....MM and I have been together going on 2 years since it all started..... I told him constantly that our R would never go anywhere while he remained M and that I just couldn't do it anymore because of how wrong it was. I walked away from him and tried to get on with my life. I was exhausted, sad and deeply hurt but knew I had done the right thing. I never thought he would leave his W.......BUT he did. If any of you think it is an easy road when they leave, let me tell you, in my case anyway, it was not....it just got worse at first. He started drinking, missing his son. I wasn't coping at all emotionally. Somehow, we are slowly pulling together. Support really helps. He is living with a very supportive friend that is helping us both through it. Emotionally, I don't cope with things well. I just don't know if I could trust him. Something I m trying to deal with now. After all, it took him 18 months to leave, after I argued with him constantly about what we were doing. I am still very angry at him. I am trying to move forward and we are trying to work on things but we still argue a lot (although it has calmed down a bit). My point is - it is VERY, VERY hard to work through and find a balance once they leave. So if you are with a MM or MW, ask yourself if it is really worth it because once they leave and you decide to stay with them, you have to work through a long, drawn out process that is extremely emotionally draining. Good Luck to you all. I don't have a good feeling that this ends well for you. MY advice is to take several large steps back as previously suggested. In fact, I would go so far as to say do NOT enter into an exclusive relationship with him at this point. Step back...spend some time with him but do NOT focus on him. Careful...be careful...
Mino Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Let us know if it's worth it to destroy a marriage and a family for her own selfish desire and need? This is some selfish, sick, evil, but yet casual question. The M is usually already destroyed, people have a way with shoving everything under the carpet instead of dealing with the problem. Its not the OP fault for their failure.
Mino Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 True love does no destruction, especially not a marriage or a family. well if it were true love in the marriage, why didnt they save it?
greengoddess Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Curious. You are not even married yet. Do you think it will be easier when you are married and living together? The true dating part, before a marriage, should be easy fun and without constant fights. Why would you stay with a man you are not even married to that you do not trust. I think you were so use to fighting for this relationship that you do not know when to be done fighting and let it go. You aren't married. You don't sound happy. You should not need help and counselling before you are married. If you need that before then you should not marry. Leave him and go on to a healthy relationship that makes you happy all the time. Love should not be a struggle. So many people say if the marriage wasn't perfect then you could not have gotten involved with him. Well what about your relationship now? It's not perfect. You fight a lot so does that mean you should cheat on one another or let another person in to your heart? No that means you need to fix the problems or move on. Find happiness for yourself. I don't think you will find it with a man with one failed marrieage behind him that he couldn't face and chose to cheat instead of being a man and ending the marriage.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Back off and let him heal and cope with all the changes in his life. IF you two are going to have a real shot at this, then start off right - Meaning, get OUT of the affair mode and start over with an out in the open relationship. Date, and DO NOT move in with him for a long time. Realize that his kids have to come first and also accept that his exW is always going to be 'around' and in his life to a point. Don't get upset or jealous about it either..
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 It"s not easy.. there is a 'trust' issue for sure.. You don't know how it will go.. just be patient.. give him space .. he probably needs more time to get his 'emotions' in place... When my MM (first ex) moved in with me.. we had been in our A for 11 years.. it was hard at first.. since he wanted to go out... (he was used to that life with his W)... he was rarely at home. ... I had to put my foot down and give him an utlimatum... it's the club or it's me.. that was it.. from then on.. we were connected at the hip... for 18 years..
White Flower Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Let us know if it's worth it to destroy a marriage and a family for her own selfish desire and need? This is some selfish, sick, evil, but yet casual question. You obviously haven't been around this forum much nor have much experience. It was the WS who destroyed the M and he did so due to HIS needs as they weren't being met. Who knows, maybe his W never had a chance to meet those needs, that is not for us to say, but the OP here did not destroy a M, lol!!!
NoIDidn't Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 crystal, I love your honesty in your OP. You didn't paint a rosy, I-got-what-I-wanted-so-I'm-totally-happy picture like some do. The transition IS hard. And sometimes, a separation between you two is necessary for a chance at a successful post-affair relationship. This relationship may or may not work out in the end, but I think your emotional honesty with him and YOURSELF, most importantly, is going to be your saving grace.
BlackWhite Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 You obviously haven't been around this forum much nor have much experience. It was the WS who destroyed the M and he did so due to HIS needs as they weren't being met. Who knows, maybe his W never had a chance to meet those needs, that is not for us to say, but the OP here did not destroy a M, lol!!! Denial is a great weapon to ease the guilt or burried it all in, isn't it?
Author crystal_lostheart Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 crystal, I love your honesty in your OP. You didn't paint a rosy, I-got-what-I-wanted-so-I'm-totally-happy picture like some do. The transition IS hard. And sometimes, a separation between you two is necessary for a chance at a successful post-affair relationship. This relationship may or may not work out in the end, but I think your emotional honesty with him and YOURSELF, most importantly, is going to be your saving grace. No it's not easy....and I don't think people understand until you go through it....I don't know if it will work out, and it hurts me to say that because I want it to but I must be realistic. These situations hurt. Everybody gets hurt because of the damage that was previously done. Only time will tell..
Author crystal_lostheart Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 Curious. You are not even married yet. Do you think it will be easier when you are married and living together? The true dating part, before a marriage, should be easy fun and without constant fights. Why would you stay with a man you are not even married to that you do not trust. I think you were so use to fighting for this relationship that you do not know when to be done fighting and let it go. You aren't married. You don't sound happy. You should not need help and counselling before you are married. If you need that before then you should not marry. Leave him and go on to a healthy relationship that makes you happy all the time. Love should not be a struggle. So many people say if the marriage wasn't perfect then you could not have gotten involved with him. Well what about your relationship now? It's not perfect. You fight a lot so does that mean you should cheat on one another or let another person in to your heart? No that means you need to fix the problems or move on. Find happiness for yourself. I don't think you will find it with a man with one failed marrieage behind him that he couldn't face and chose to cheat instead of being a man and ending the marriage. I understand to a point what you are saying....have you however been in a situation like this? I know things sometimes seem so black and white...but love is not black and white and that's why at times it can be a struggle. There is so much to my situation. I could be here for weeks explaining it. If you see in my past threads, MM has come along way in many things. Recognizing his faults, his past mistakes and the damage he/we have caused others. It has been a long journey of discovery on both parts and as weird as it sounds, one that we both needed to shake us up and wake us up to stop being such selfish people. I just truly believe that time will tell with us
jj33 Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Crystal I wish you a lot of luck with this. Reading everyone' s posts, it seems like this is the hardest part. Loads of people fall in love, more rarely people leave, but it seems like the really hard part starts once the MP is free and the new relationship needs to be negotiated. In a way you and Green Goddess are both right. You have invested LOADS in this relatoinship and you know you love each other. If you just met him and didnt trust him, youd say thanks but no thanks. But you have invested a lot. And just like in any other long term relationship, when you have invested a lot and there is real love there, its worth seeing if you can sort out the issues and make a life together. Hang in there and I hope it works out for you.
OWoman Posted July 19, 2009 Posted July 19, 2009 Let us know if it's worth it to destroy a marriage and a family for her own selfish desire and need? Now there's a presumptious generalisation! BW obviously has intimate knowledge of the particular couple and their dynamics - or assumes s/he has - to know that Crystal is selfish, that her MM and his W had anything to destroy, and that the family is in fact destroyed. I don't know Crystal or her MM personally, so can't speak about that situation, but in my own, the MM and his xW had nothing to destroy, as she'd already systematically destroyed anything over the years; the family was left intact - just without her in it, and everyone much happier. But I guess from BW's name that their view of the universe doesn't permit facts that don't fit in with their prejudice. If they're convinced that the moon is made of green cheese then it is, dammit - no matter what Neil Armstrong or others who've actually been there might say... No it's not easy....and I don't think people understand until you go through it....I don't know if it will work out, and it hurts me to say that because I want it to but I must be realistic. These situations hurt. Everybody gets hurt because of the damage that was previously done. Only time will tell.. Crystal - it might not be easy, but sometimes it's easier. Easier than what went before, when you wished he would leave, when you put yourself through the wringer waiting for this moment. If it's what you want, and what he wants, and you're both prepared to put in the work, it certainly can work. But this part is rough - there is always guilt for the MM, no matter how misplaced or valid, and there is always a feeling of somehow having failed through not having been superhuman enough to have made his doomed M work despite the odds. There is a sense of hurt around the kids - that somehow, they're having to see sides of their parents that kids shouldn't have to see - and there is a sense of loss for that neatly predictable - if dull and boring - future that has now been replaced with uncertainty, possibility, hope even - but insecurity. Don't take it personally. The fighting is probably because you're nearest, not because you're culpable. Keep your sense of perspective - but also your sense of self. If you're feeling you're not being treated as you'd like, say so, stand your ground and insist on your worth. You didn't buy into this to be treated badly. Love him, if your heart says so, but love yourself more.
Author crystal_lostheart Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 O/W - thank you for the reply I do love him and he is so confused and is feeling all of those things you said he would. I am giving him time to think and to sort his life out....I want him to be absolutely sure because I don't want my life to end in ruins again...In the meantime, I am taking care of me
me003 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Let us know if it's worth it to destroy a marriage and a family for her own selfish desire and need? This is some selfish, sick, evil, but yet casual question. since you seem to have such a wonder insight, PLEASE help everyone in this world live better lives. Your wisdom is so wonderful. Maybe you will be able to fix EVERYTHING. I'm sure you have plenty of time and such a wonderful life that with your gentle ways of expressing your views you will enlighten ALL. good luck to you and the people around you. Please continue to make LS forums flourish with your sensitivity, kindness and words of love.
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