Sevenscars Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Memories, they come and go. Sometimes out of nowhere, a single memory pops up inside your head and devastates you. I was preparing to do a yoga routine based around the seven chakras. With my lighter in my hand, I reached for the candle when time reverted and I found myself a few months back, making love to my (at the time) girlfriend. Her phone rang, and I told her to ignore it, it was my time with her. She jumped up, as the call was missed, and raced to the phone, claiming it was her best friend, whom I know. I still remember the look in her eye. It has been 72 days of No Contact for me. The pain I have experienced in these past few weeks has at points been unbearable. Now it is better, I only miss her occasionally. I am still very bitter -- she cheated on me, I took her back, and then she left me again, ruthlessly and completely dropping me as though the past year and the future plans meant nothing. Over my time in NC, I have put together many pieces of the puzzle. She never got rid of that other boy. Her best friend stopped talking to me directly, instead talking to her about me. When I would go visit her, she would leave for an hour or two claiming to be working on a project or something. My ex girlfriend "confided" in me about her best friend, and how she cheated on her boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend. She stopped wearing the jewelry I got her... All this time, she was slowly getting rid of me. And then the day came, and I was clueless. How could I have missed all these signs! My ex sent me an email about a month ago, asking for a phone call. I ignored it. Now, I want to reply and tell her that I know all about it. I want to curse her for toying with me like that, especially all that we had been through: in her case, something that only a rare man would have stuck around for and helped her through. So many promises, so many more lies. That girl told me that she wanted to marry me. She told me I was the only man in her life, even though she may not be the only girl in my life. So many things... And all the while, she was cheating. What a huge, huge blow to the ego. What utter destruction of my self esteem. I congratulate myself and all of you that have been able to withstand this battery of pain on the heart. But it hurts, bad. Especially memories that pop up out of nowhere -- and I realize all along the truth behind them...that it was not her best friend, it was him. She looked sad as though she would be found out, but I did not say anything. Shame on me. If only I found out, and left on the higher ground, instead of her dropping me like a flea. I want her to have the GUILT knowing what she did to us. What she did to me. I want her to miss me so bad that she cries tears of pain every night under the moonlight. She is probably not, though. Things must not have worked out with her cheater boy, which may be why she emailed me...for validation, to still feel wanted, all while burning me to dust. So if that has happened, she'll be mourning the loss of him now, without even sparing any time for the loss occurred with me. Like I was nothing. But you know what? Screw it. She is vile and disgusts me. How you could have a complete absence of respect for someone you claimed to want to spend the rest of your life with... I will never talk to her again. I will never, ever talk to her again. On the eve of day 72, I am here bearing my heart out, hoping to heal the pain completely. Every day is up and down. It's kind of sad to me that I expect her, nay...WANT her to at least send me some kind of anything on my birthday, coming up in a few weeks. To show that she feels guilty... to show that she misses me... to show that I was not a complete nothing to her, even though I do not want her or want to talk to her or even think about her. I just want that: for her to know her actions towards me, and feel remorse for treating a human being she "cared" so deeply about like an absolute nothing. It is even sadder considering the thought of her not contacting me somehow in some way to say something on my birthday hurts me. Oh well, All is well, Life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
BW007 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Very similar timing and story( go look at my very first entry if you want the recap) Man, I feel so much empathy for you. It is going on 4 months of NC for me as well, and I still have such a raging turmoil going on internally. I want her to want me back so badly, to ask for forgiveness, to miss me. But I am so mad too. The fact that I still have any positive feeling for her just makes it harder and I have tried and tried to get to the bottom of why that is. What I think it is, is that I was ready for the lifelong commitment in my mind and there is a part of me that really remembers the good parts. All this time, she was slowly getting rid of me. And then the day came, and I was clueless. How could I have missed all these signs! Hey my friend, it seems like you and I are very much alike. I would give anything for an unsolicited letter that said I meant a lot to her still and she was aware that she did me wrong and most of all loved me still. But with NC it is difficult to believe she ever has those thoughts. So what? I gotta move on to someone who will treat me good, but its hard when you had the crap kicked out of your self esteem. But only I am responsible for my self esteem and Sevenscars, I bet you meet some great yoga girl and bounce into a healthy relationship with some more wisdom and insight (and a bit of fearfulness) than you had before. I am at the stage where I wish I would start meeting some women that I liked. Link to post Share on other sites
aboynamedmike Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Similar story too. My ex cheated on me (would answer phone calls from the guy she was cheating on me with in my presence and good outside to talk). I can't believe how dumb I was..Dumb enough that I figured if I took her back we could fix things. Ultimately, she ended up more insecure than me, and was extremely jealous! So it's been a solid week of NC and about 3 weeks with a few texts. But I know my life is better without this one person in it. There's 6 billion people in the world... Good luck with everything man. Link to post Share on other sites
stablesong Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Jesus Christ. People that can cheat like that scare the **** out of me. It's literally evil. My ex was so good at concealling it too; makes me worried about future partners. You think you know someone for so long... Link to post Share on other sites
Giha Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 I was not cheated on (yet), but I hear you about the memories. It can really ruin my day...and it happens all the effing time. I too wish she knows how bad she treated me and I really hope she misses me in her life. Alas, that probably is not the case. She's got her new relationship to keep her mind busy and probably forgot all about me, as I was not much to her (or so it seems). Tomorrow will mark 1 month of NC. I feel like crap atm but things will get better. Im sorry she had you go through that crap, no one deserves that. It makes me getting a little afraid of getting into a new relationship. You never know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sevenscars Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 Thank you all for the comments. While it is disheartening, it is still comforting to know that other people have been in similar situations. So what? I gotta move on to someone who will treat me good, but its hard when you had the crap kicked out of your self esteem. But only I am responsible for my self esteem True words... what are you doing to rebuild your self esteem? After such things happening, it's hard, and takes time. So it's been a solid week of NC and about 3 weeks with a few texts. But I know my life is better without this one person in it. There's 6 billion people in the world... There are 6 billion people in this world, many of which are no doubt able to treat us better than we have been treated. Good luck with your NC...one week is a long time! Imagine what one month, one year will feel like. Jesus Christ. People that can cheat like that scare the **** out of me. It's literally evil. My ex was so good at concealling it too; makes me worried about future partners. You think you know someone for so long... It really is evil. Hopefully someone new will give us the respect we deserve. Tomorrow will mark 1 month of NC. I feel like crap atm but things will get better. 1 month is incredible! You have done well and will only do better...and things to get better. You really never do know what people are like until these things happen...one thing I would like to say I have learned is that upon the moment of seeing a red flag, discontinue with the relationship, for it will cause nothing but trouble. What is sad is that I not only saw a red flag, but a red army, and was still too weak to do anything about it. What sucks is that this has made me so unsure of relationships, I do not even want one. Sure, I want someone there for me, and someone close to me, but this is just a hole of loneliness that another person can not fill -- I must do it myself. Maybe some day I will meet a great woman. But as for now, girls make me sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Giha Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 I hear you. well, kind of. With my ex a saw a red flag and i did nothing about it. I guess what i have learned the same but in a more...gentle way. Link to post Share on other sites
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